MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I love Christmas. When I was a kid it used to be about the gifts, now that I am an older it is about the free food and free booze. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a huge dinner and lots of beer to wash it down. The presents are the icing on the cake. The only thing that slightly annoys me about Christmas is being in a house full of little children running around, screaming at the top of their lungs. This is where having a huge supply of alcohol comes in handy, the more they run and scream, the more you drink, until everything around your becomes a drunken and the only thing you care about is reaching the toilet before you barf all over yourself.
Happy Holidays!

An Usher song as written by Goggins:

Yeah...woo
Yeah...woo
Baby I love you
Woo
Yeah baby
I really do
Woo
Yeah....woo
Yeah....woo
That's right girl
C'mon girl
That's right girl
C'mon girl
I love you
Woo
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah
woo
Oh c'mon girl
Yeah...woo
That's right girl
Baby, I love you
Woo
That's right I do
Woo
Yeah....woo
Yeah....woo

(Repeat three times)

Why movies are better than books!

A common phrase I often hear people mutter is, "The book is better than the movie." However, people rarely explain why this is so and in fact generally the conversation ends there. Why is the book better than the movie adaptation? Is it because the book came first? Is it because books are more detailed? No one is ever interested in explaining why a novel is better than its movie counterpart. It often annoys people that movie adaptations are very different from the novels they are based on. They either complain about how the casting was wrong, how the film left out a certain character, etc. People never comprehend why these changes happen, instead the think of them as blasphemous and disrespectful to the source material.
Let me get one thing clear, there is no such thing as a faithful film adaptation of a novel. A film could have everything scene from the novel intact, every line of dialogue, etc., but it would be an entirely different experience. Books are words, films are images. Reading a story and watching a story are two entirely different things. Which is why most books that try to remain true to their original text tend to be dull, lifeless films. When a film tries to recreate the novel, it doesn't have it's a life of its own and will only appeal to people who are familiar with the novel, which is why the first two Harry Potter films are extremely boring to people who have not read the books. No matter how faithful a film tries to be, people will always have their own ideas as to who should have been cast in the lead role, how certain scenes should have been handled, etc, hence no film is a faithful adaptation, only poor imitations trying to appease fans.
Secondly, there are many ideas that work well on paper, yet would look absolutely ridiculous on film. In Stephen King's The Shining, there is a chapter in which the character Hallorann is chased by possessed hedge animals. This is an exciting sequence to read about, but it would look absolutely ridiculous on film, Stanley Kubrick knew this when he adapted King's novel in 1980 and changed the hedge animals to a sinister hedge maze. It's a departure from King's novel, but it works in its own right and extremely well in the context of the film. Kubrick's version of The Shining has a life of its own, because one does not need to read King's novel to understand what is happening in the film. A movie adaptation first and foremost must have a life of its own in order to be considered a success. When Steven Spielberg made Jaws he tossed out all the melodramatic subplots in Peter Benchley's novel and focused on the shark, making one of the greatest films of all time in the process. The film Jaws was such a success that many people have no idea it is an adaptation. Mary Shelley's Frankenstein has been adapted so many times, in so many different ways that no one even bothers to compare the film adaptations to the original source, because they all have their own life.
When people watch an adaptation of a novel, instead of whining about what was left out of the film, they should instead question whether or not it works on its own terms. Was it a well done film? Did it move you? Did you care about what was unfolding onscreen? If the answer is yes, then the filmmakers have done their jobs and no one should care whether or not that Tom Bombadil wasn't in the film. In short, movies are better than novels, because it is far more exciting to see events happening, than to read about them.

Today, I got a call from my ex-wife, demanding that I spend some quality time with our three year-old son, I told her I had a dentist's appointment to go to and couldn't make it today. After she hung up the phone, I went to sleep and dreamt I was in the Super Bowl. In my dream, I caught the winning touch down pass and did a celebration dance in the end zone. Then a talent scout walked up to me, told me he loved my dancing and asked me if I would like to appear in the musical Grease. I said yes and I became a huge success on Broadway, while women threw themselves at me; the sex was awesome. I then won the Republican nomination for president and was elected by a landslike in the 2008 election, it was awesome. I was about to make my election speech, when I was awoken by my smoke alarm; my apartment was on fire. I realized that I had left the oven unattended and in the process the frozen pizza I put in had some how caught fire. Oh, this was indeed a tragedy. Luckily, I had half of box of Lucky Charms in my cabinets or else I would have starved. After eating that delicious bowl of Lucky Charms, I turned on the TV and watched a new episode of Family Guy, it was hysterical.

My interview with a Female






I recently had the distinct privilege of interviewing a member of the female sex, it was a rather enlightening moment in my life, for she revealed many things that I did not know about women.
Here is the interview reprinted in it's entirety:

Goggins: So what's up?
Female: Nothing much!

(awkward silence)

Goggins: So....uh.......yeah....ummm do you like football?
Female: Not really! I'm not into sports.
Goggins: Oh, well, neither am I.

(awkward silence)

Goggins: So what are you into?
Female: I like music. I'm currently the lead singer in a punk band.
Goggins: Oh, what's the name of your band?
Female: The Virginal Vixens!
Goggins: Wow, that's sounds awesome.
Female: Yeah, we're playing at Combustible Diner this weekend. It's a coffeehouse in Milwaukee.
Goggins: Oh really, maybe I will attend.
Female: You should come, it will be loads of ufn.
Goggins: Yeah.........

(awkward silence)

Goggins: Do you have a boyfriend?
Female: No.
Goggins: Can I interest you in a movie?
Female: Sure, why not?
Goggins: YESSSSSS!
Female: Can I bring my girlfriends, they really want to see Harry Potter?
Goggins: Uhhhhhhh..............sure, I guess.
Female: Oh joy, this will be a good time.
Goggins: Yeah, it will be great.
Female: Well, I got to go. It will nice talking to you Mr. Gogans. Bye!
Goggins: Bye!

That is how my interview went. The next day I saw Harry Potter with the women and her lady friends, they talked incessantly through out the movie, but not loud enough so I could hear them. Every time, they suspected I was listening (which I wasn't) they would stop their conversation for a second and watch the movie. When they felt the coast was clear, they would start talking again. The movie thankfully ended and we all said their goodbyes, the female promised she would call me with in a week. She hasn't call me yet. However, at least she was courteous enough to apologize after accidentally spilling Pepsi on my pants. That was by far the most pleasant moment I've ever had with a woman.

Last week, I drove to Wautoma, which is two hours north from where I live to celeberate Thanksgiving with my family. When I walked in my parent's house, I found my dad watching Super Bowl XXXI (The Super Bowl in which the Packer walloped the Patriots) as a means of cheering himself up after witnessing the Packers get thrashed by the Vikings for a second time on Monday Night Football. My dad then went off on a rant, "Them Packers were good in them there days. Brett Favre was the MVP and they were the ultimate team. Now look at them." He then downed a bottle of Miller and screamed, "PACKERS WON THE SUPER BOWL!" While watching Super Bowl XXXI, my dad applauded every time the Packers scored, even though he know the outcome of the game. He then did a victory dance at the end of the game. "PACKERS ARE THE AWESOME TEAM!" He shouted and spiked his plate of food on the ground. My mom just smiled and said, "Oh Dennis!" My sister and brother in law rolled their eyes, I tried to contain my laughter. Then my dad was like, "Who wants to watch it again?" We all objected, insisting we watch one of our many Thanksgiving specials. Dad objected, he was adament we watch Super Bowl XXXI again, so he rewound the tape and started watching it. Then he broke down in tears, "It's all I lie. I can't live like this any more." Then he locked himself in his room, refusing to come out, so we celebrated the rest of the holiday with out him.
OK, none of this story is true, except the part about me driving to Wautoma. If I were to write about what really happened on Thanksgiving, most of you would probably be like, "Who cares?" Then again, I'm sure most of you are thinking that right now, after having read this lousy post.
Go Green Bay!

I am currently waiting in line to see the next installment of Harry Potter, boy am I excited. I love Harry Potter, it is by far the greatest franchise EVER!!!! While waiting, I am reading my copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, I hope the movie stays true to the book, unlike the last installment. Why do movies feel the need to change books? Why can't they remain faithful to the source? If I made a Harry Potter movie, it would be ten hours long and totally kick ass. I remember my girlfriend (as in friend friend, not dating) was so upset how the last Harry Potter mutilated the source, that she couldn't eat a whole bag of Doritos; I had to consume at least a 1/4 of it. Did I mention that I'm dressed up as Harry? Isn't that cool? There are many kids who are dressed up like Harry, but I think I resemble him the most. Well, they are finally letting people into the theatre, I will talk to you later. THIS IS TOTALLY BAD ASS!

The End!

He's a really sweet guy once you get to know him!

Ever since I have started working at this theatre, people have told me to beware of Steve Todd; that he was a no good, low life, mother fucking asshole. However, Steve and I recently had a brief conversation at the box office and he seemed like a genuinely sweet guy. Underneath the cold exterior is a sweet, caring man waiting to come out. He kept trying to hide his sensitive side by making sex jokes, but he didn't fool me one bit. These sex jokes are his defense mechanism against getting intimate with some one who might break his heart. He is afraid to commit, because he does not who can trust in this cruel world. If I were dating Steve Todd, I would treat him like a king. He would know what it's like to have a girlfriend who truly does care for him. I only hope other people can see the sensitive Steve Todd that I know. He's really a sweet guy, even if he did get those three girls pregnant and forced them to fend for themselves. He just needs to find the right girl and I might be it.

Film Reviews:

I have been watching lots of movies lately, mainly because I have nothing better to do with my life, except stare blankly at the ceiling, contemplating my existence and believe me onceI get done contemplating, I realize there's not much to my life. Therefore, rather then depress you with a post about how futile life is, I will instead do a few movie reviews. Doesn't that sound delightful? I didn't think so.

First up:

1941: Coming off the success of Jaws and Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Steven Spielberg was convinced he could do anything, unfortunately 1941 proved him wrong. The film is a huge mess, yet it's a compelling mess. Some where beneath the explosions, mugging, screaming, and over kill is a good movie waiting to be made. The biggest problem with 1941 is the excess. There are way too many ideas for one movie, yet Spielberg tries to pack in as many as possible, sacrificing the narrative in the process. The film is crammed with characters who serve no purpose other than to scream at the top of their lung, other character (like John Belushi's half-crazed pilot) disappear completely from the narrative, only to pop up later on. Spielberg could have used a story editor, but it seems he was determined to film as much as possible, with out a vision as to what kind of story he wanted to tell.

The Ghost and Mr. Chicken: This stars Don Knotts as a jumpy typesetter at a newspaper who aspires to be a reporter. He's given the opportunity, when his newspaper wants him to spend a night in the local "haunted house." Needless to say, all sorts of mishaps occur when Don Knotts enters the house. Add an awkard romantic subplot and you got a fairly enjoyable comedy.

Dead and Breakfast: A truly dreadful horror-comedy that involves a lost wedding party, red necks and zombies. The film is supposedly a horror-comedy, but I don't think the director filled the cast in about the comedy part. The cast includes Gina Philips (who starred with the brilliant Justin Long in Jeepers Creepers), Jeremy Sisto and various sub-celebrities. The cast has absolutely no chemistry together what so ever. Often a scene will revolve around one character saying something stupid which is followed by awkard silence from the other cast members. The only actor who stands out is Oz Perkins, due to his subpar Jim Carrey-like antics. It does have a song entitled "We're Coming To Kill You," otherwise stay clear.

If you are wondering why I have not posted for the last three weeks, it's because I haven't had any internet access. It's been a long headache and I won't bore you with the details. In the three weeks I have been kind of busy, I've been to Chicago and Minnesota. I also been to birthdays, clubs and was engaged for two days. But will tell you more about that later. Expect to hear more from me later in the week. Until then...have fun!!!

Hi, I'm reporting live from Minnesota, where the Packers yet again found a way to lose what should have been an easy win. The second quarter of the game was sweet, the Packers showed the Vikings absolutely no mercy. I was watching the first half of the game in an Irish Pub, down town Minneapolis and was ecstatic over what I thought was going to be a massacre. My friend Will and I left the Irish pub, during half time and I didn't get too watch any of the second half. Then at around three I got a call from my room mate Peter, the Packers lost to the Vikings 23 to 20. What the fuck? How does an offense go from dominating the first half of the game to completely getting shut out in the second half? What happened to the defense? Why can't the Packers ever win? It's such a shame to see Favre play such great football and only have one win to show for it. Damn you Packers! Oh well, at least I had a good lunch and a couple of beers to help ease the pain. Go Green Bay!

Piltdown Man! Piltdown!
I found meself a Piltdown man
in the forest in my backyard.
He has a skull of an human
but an jaw of an ape.
He's the evolutionary link
far more advanced than
the Neandertal.
What you mean he's a fake?
There goes my ticket to
fame, because people
think I'm a fraud.

THIS POST GOES OUT TO THE 3.2323 PEOPLE WHO READ THIS BLOG!!!

I need your help in creating the next unfunny Saturday Night Live. For it is my goal to go to New York, audition for SNL and in the process create the next unfunny character that gets his own overlong, painfully unfunny movie. Here are a few characters that have come off the top of my head:

Taco Bell Guy - He's a guy who obessively talks about Taco Bell. Each week there will be painful, five minute skit in which he goes on a tangent about how Taco Bell is the greatest fast food restaurant EVER! I figure that within in a year, SNL will be desperate enough to produce a film centered around this guy.

The Unibrow - Based loosely off Kevin Neville, this character has no lines what so ever, rather people just comment on how huge his unibrow is. Then he breaks down in tears and wishes he didn't have a unibrow.

The Vendor - He's a vendor that works at a movie theatre, acts nice to customers and then says shit to them as they walk away. Imagine all the groans and suicides this character will induce. Genius.

Jimmy Fallon - A guy who pretends to be Jimmy Fallon, he spends the entire skit laughing at his own jokes and playing guitar, while every one is disgusted by his antics.

Overweight Gym Instructor - This character spends the entire skit eating hot dogs and other junk food, while yelling at his students for being unfit. Ha Ha! This has me in stitches all ready.

These are five characters I have come up with, for the 3.2323 people who read this blog, please vote which one is your favorite or least favorite. Then I will know which character to wow the SNL people with.

Half Priced Books rules! I went to Half Priced Books today and practically bought out .0005% of the store, they just had so much to choose from and at such reasonable prices. If you have not been to this wondrous store, go now and you can buy a book buy Lillian Gish about her days with D.W. Griffith, for only $4.98. That is quite a bargain, because Lillian Gish kicks ass. And if you don't know who Lillian Gish is, you are not a true film fan. And if you do, then I am glad for you. And if you wait around now, baby can't you see, I'll promise you, I will. I will.

Ende!

Steal candy from babies is not as easy as it used to be!

I remember the good old days, when all one had to do to steal candy from a baby was walked up to his/her stroller, push the mother aside and take the candy away from the helpless baby. Now, things are completely different. Yesterday, I spotted my a prey, it was little helpless baby with a huge lollipop in his right hand. He was dressed entirely in blue and had a huge smile on his face, I thought, "Ha Ha! This will be an easy task! Ha Ha! I will have candy tonight." As I approached the baby's stroller, his mother step out and told me to stop. I said, "What are you going to do about it, woman?" Cause as well all know, hysterical women are no match for tough, macho men such as myself. Just then she pulled out a can of pepper spray, sprayed me in the eyes, and cock punched me twelve times. I fell to the ground screaming, she then pulled out a crow bar and bashed in my knee caps, and the rolled the stroller over my head four times. She walked away laughing, while I all bloodied up, realized that I had been defeated by an inferior women. I decided later on that day to change my name and move out of state. I then theorized that this woman wasn't a woman, but a man in drag, who makes it his goal to thwart candy snatchers such as myself. This made me feel a little better and I decided that I would stay in the candy snatching business.

She was the most beautiful girl in the world.
I loved her unquestionably.....until
SHE RIPPED OUT MY HEART!
We were ever so happy, dancing and singing,
walking and laughing.
I never wanted this romance to end....until
SHE RIPPED OUT MY HEART!
We were to be married, have children
and live together forever.....until
SHE RIPPED OUT MY HEART!
OH WHY DO YOU MOCK GOD?
HOW CRUEL FATE IS!
WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?
She told me she wanted out of this relationship,
she said she couldn't stand the sight of me.
I broke down and tears, screaming,
"YOU RIPPED OUT MY HEART, YOU CRUEL CORPORATE BITCH!"
She then drank her over priced, Starbucks espresso and laughed at
my pain.
Why do women always rip out my heart? Why?
I think I shall end my life. Oh yes, I shall.
You don't believe me?
I shall jump off this ledge any minute, oh yes I shall.
And then you will be like, "Oh poor guy, why did that cold hearted harlot
rip out his beautiful, generous heart." Then you will have wished that you
were nicer to me in life. By cruel world, I will miss you not. I shall not return.
Damn it, this ledge is only five feet off the ground. I guess I can't kill myself after all;
I think I will have breakfast. EWWWWWWWWW HONEY NUT CHEERIOS!

The End!

WE'RE NOT DONE YET!

That was a great game guys, but WE'RE NOT DONE YET! We have twelve more games left in this season, therefore we should not celebrate prematurely. We played a good game, a good football team, BUT we still have many more good games to play, many more good teams to play. We can't be sucking each others cocks too early in the season. We will not celebrate until we have won the championship. I know you are thinking, "Can't we celebrate just a little bit?" NO! We can't celebrate just a little bit, because WE'RE NOT DONE YET! Repeat WE'RE NOT DONE YET! Do you understand? WE'RE NOT DONE YET! What did I say? WE'RE NOT DONE YET!
I hope I have made my point. Go and shower up, we have a long season ahead of us.

SPECIAL GUEST BLOGGER: A Stand Up, Female Comedian

Thank you!!! Any ways, yesterday I got home from work, completely exhausted and I asked my husband Bob if he could get me a beer. Sure enough, he drank all the beer. What's with men and beer? Am I right?
I have learned that it is futile trying to communicate with my husband when he is watching a football game; he's too busy screaming at television to hear what I have to say. What's with men and football? Am I right? Hello? Is this working? Hello?
Any ways, yesterday my friend Sue told me she had an abortion. I came to the realization that during my 39 years on the planet, I have never had an abortion, therefore I decided I was going to get one. The problem is I am not pregnant. Therefore, I decided to tell Bob that I wanted to have another baby.
I said, "Bob, I want another baby!"
He said, "Why do you want another baby? We all ready have three children."
I said, "I want another baby, so I can have an abortion. I have never had an abortion and I really want one."
He said unsympathetically,"Honey, what's the point of getting pregnant, when you are going to have an abortion? Why waste all the time and effort, if you don't want a child?"
I said, "What's the point of you owning that damn chainsaw when you never use it. That thing has been collecting dust for years. You've only used it once in the last three years, yet you don't hear mecomplaining. I let you buy that chainsaw. Can't you support me just this once?"
Needless to say, I never got the abortion. Why is that men are able to support a losing football team, but they unable to support their loving wives when they want an abortion? Am I right?

Thank you Suzie for that interesting post. And indeed, you are right.

I recently went to see a movie and I decided I would buy a tray of nachos. I love nachos. I once had a girlfriend who hated nachos, so I threw her out of my car and left her in the middle of the desert, while I scarfed down a tray of nachos. Any ways, as I walked up to the concession stand in the movie theatre, I was horrified to find out that they had sold their last tray ten minutes earlier. I panicked, I started tearing the lobby to pieces. However, in the corner of my eye, I noticed that a ten year-old girl had a tray of nachos. I ran up to her, punched her in the nose, drop kicked her in the stomach and took her tray of nachos. Victory was mine...or so I thought. Her mother saw what I did, pulled out a gun and demanded I return the nachos to her daughter, whose name was Betty Sue. I tried to explain my position, she wouldn't listen. I returned the nachos and walked away with a huge frown on my face. How could I possibly enjoy my movie without a tray of nachos. Just then I saw a gorgeous woman, carrying a tray of nachos. She was all alone. I had a plan. I ran up to the gorgeous woman, punched her in the nose, drop kicked her in the stomach and took her tray of nachos. Thus ends my story.


This was such a stupid story. Who writes this kind of crap? Seriously, who writes this kind of crap? Hi, I'm Leonard Maltin, I'm a film critic and historian. I liked the movie Runaway Bride and I am absolutely appalled by this garbage. What ever happened to all the family friendly websites? I don't know, but this kind of crap should be flushed down the toilet. Until next time, I'm Leonard Maltin and the balcony is closed. Wait, am I Leonard Maltin or Roger Ebert? Who am I? Maybe, I'm Peter Travers. I think I need a vacation.

News:

Minor:
Video Did Not Kill Radio Star, Alcohol Poisoning Did!

Green Bay Packers Win a Free Whopper!

Pauly Shore To Star In a Remake of Police Academy 4!

George W. Bush declares war on Nature, promises, "No forces of nature will ever invade American soil again!"

Major news break:

"Hotter Then Ever" Girl Visits My Blog!

That's right, it turns out that a girl, whom has identified herself as "hotter than ever" visits my blog. Why is this such big news? 1) It's a girl. 2) Not just any girl, but a girl that is hotter than ever. YES! In the future I will do my best to attract more "hotter than ever" girls, until I isolate all my loyal readers and become a shallow, superficial son of a bitch, much like Jason Gedrick in the 1985 masterpiece The Heavenly Kid. To the "hotter than ever" girl, I can only say thank you. You have given me hope when they was none. You have given me life, when there was only death. Go Green Bay!