Friday, March 24, 2006

A tribute to Breckin Meyer






I must thank Dave Faber for this post; he reminded me of the upcoming film Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties and gave the inspiration needed to write a tribute to Breckin Meyer.
If you do not know who Breckin Meyer is, then you should be banned from watching movies. Breckin Meyer is possibly the second greatest actor of all time next to Jim Varney. Breckin Meyer has appeared in countless movies in the past ten years, but his most famous role is that of Jon Arbuckle in the film adaptation of Garfield. Watch any scene in which Jon interacts with Garfield and it seems completely natural. Meyers' acting is so convincing that Garfield never seems like a CGI effect, but a real, breathing cat. There seems to be a genuine relationship between Jon and Garfield; only a great actor like Breckin Meyer could pull it off so convincingly. And the chemistry Meyers shares with the lovely Jennifer Love Hewitt is electrifying. When the two are onscreen parks literally fly. I don't know about you, but I would love to see more Breckin Meyer - Jennifer Love Hewitt films in the future. In fact, they have such chemistry that it wouldn't surprise me if they are secretly married in real life.
Hopefully, Meyer will be recognized for his brilliant work and be awarded Oscar for Best Actor in next year's Academy Award ceremony. Unfortunately, I don't think Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties will stand a chance of winning Best Picture, because it will up against the brilliant She's The Man and the heartwarming teen comedy Aquamarine. I don't know about you, but I'm already excited for next year's Oscar ceremony.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

It's been two weeks since I've lasted posted on this blog and in two weeks time, absolutely nothing has happened. In fact, about the only exciting thing that happened to me was that I was abducted by aliens. But I'm sure you don't want to hear such a boring story. Alien abduction is an accepted FACT at this moment, it happens practically to every one. I remember my sister was abducted when she was five and I was so jealous that they abducted her and not me. In fact, most of my friends were abducted long before I was.. Alas. Alas, what was I to do? Last week, after I was abducted, I told my friends rather enthusiastically, "I'VE FINALLY BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!"
They all laughed and said, "What's the big deal? We've been abducted like 50 times. Do you think you're special?" I broke into tears. It used to be big news if some one was abducted by aliens, now no one seems to notice.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

The Oscars!

I'm happy to report that I did not watch the Oscars, because the Oscars are friggin' lame. There was a time when the Oscars used to honor excellence in the cinema, now their goal is to honor films that didn't suck. In a matter of years, mediocre films will be nominated for Best Picture, wait this has all ready happened, how else do you explain A Beautiful Mind? Ha Ha! I hate awards ceremonies, there's nothing more annoying than over hyped, over paid celebrities patting each other on the back for a job well done. The Oscars should be put of their misery, but sadly it go on and on, long after I am dead and forgotten.Oh wait, I am forgotten. Who am I? God, I'm old. Where's my cane? I need my cane, I can't walk without. AHHHH!
The End! Color By Technicolor. Filmed in Panavision

Sunday, February 26, 2006

IMDB top 250 is a fuckin' joke!

Have you ever visited IMDB? If you have, then you are aware of the IMDB top 250 films list. There are many good films in the list, yet many of them don't belong in the top 25o. This list is decided by the number of votes a certain film gets from the users, therefore because there are thousands of Star Wars geeks out there, the Star Wars films generally get a higher score then they deserve. The point is the list is biased because the users will only vote on films that they have seen; which means many great films have no representation because they are harder to see. You will notice that many of the films on the list are more contemporary, this is a fallacy because it is too early to decide whether or not these films will withstand the test of time. Here a few examples of the gross injustices that appear on the IMDB top 250.
- Shawshank Redemption is #2 on the list. How is it possible that a film so bland could be so high up on ANY list? It's hardly an original film. It's certainly not ground breaking, yet people seem to under the impression is a a masterpiece of cinema. All I can say that there are thousands of films that are far, far, far better than Shawshank Redemption, yet obviously many users on IMDB don't think so.
- Star Wars Episode III is ranked 235 on the list. Did these people actually watched Episode III? I admit I enjoyed it, but come on it was by no means a great movie. In fact, it is still under debate as to whether or not it was a good movie. A great film generally has interesting characters as well as a good storyline to boot, this has neither. It had potential to be great, but people should not mistake potential for greatness.
-Fight Club is 33 on this list, The Matrix is 34. I don't really like either of these two films, so I am biased, but I'm sure many people who do like these movies would agree they shouldn't be so high on this list. Both films have not aged too well in the past six years. The Matrix looks as dated as the Flash Gordon serials of the 40s. However, at least the Flash Gordon serials are fun too watch, where as The Matrix is a stupid summer flick trying to pose as an intelligent work of art. Fight Club is just nihilistic nonsense loved by leftist college intellects, who when they get a real job will more than likely turn into uptight conservatives.
- Sin City is #63. WHAT? I liked Sin City, it was a pretty enjoyable film, but it was also a pretty shallow film. It is essentially about ugly tough men and gorgeous, scantily clad woman who commit random acts of violence. I'm sure many people over analyzed the film, giving it a deeper meaning than it actually has. I don't think Sin City belongs in the top 1000 films, let alone the top 65.
There are many other undeserving films on the list, but if I were to write them all down, I would be on the computer for the entire week, bitching and moaning about how stupid the IMDB list is. Thank you for reading my post. I love some of you.
A FILM REVIEW!

Wow, I love romantic comedies. If you love romantic comedies too, then I highly recommend you rent 13 Going on 30, it is a sheer delight from beginning to end. It's the kind of film that you just can watch over and over, with out ever tiring of. I remember this one time I was watching 13 Going on 30, and this dude came in and said, "Why are you watching this flick? It's for chicks!" I replied,"Because it's a good movie!" Then he punch me in the stomach and told me to start watching guy films. I called him a bitch and continued watching 13 Going on 30.
I called up my girlfriend and I asked her if she wanted to come over, just so I could have an excuse to watch it again. She said she didn't want to watch 13 Going on 13, in fact she said shedespised the movie, because I watched it so much. I realized we could never work out as a couple, so I broke up with her; I cheered myself up by watching 13 Going on 30. It's not as good as My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but it's damn near close.
I give a grand total of four stars.
Next week I will review the much beloved classic: She's All That.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

2006 will be a great year for movies!

2006 is looking to be the greatest movie year of ALL TIME! That's right, so far this year has brought us such wonderful pieces of cinema like When a Stranger Calls, The Pink Panther, Final Destination III, and other great works of art. Could this year possibly get any better? HELL YEAH!
There are two films in particular that I am dying to see: Aquamarine and She's The Man.
Aquamarine is about two teenage girls who discover a teenaged mermaid in their beach club's swimming cool. It stars Sara Paxton, who's brilliant turn in the much loved masterpiece Sleepover made her an over night sensation. I sense that come Oscar time next year, this film will be nominated for at least nine Academy Awards and is a definite shoe in for Best Original Screenplay. I would like to think it will win Best Picture, but it will face heavy competition with the upcoming, Shakespeare adaptation She's the Man.

She's the Man stars Amanda Bynes (the star of Nickolodeon's The Amanda Show and the WB's smash hit What I Like About You) and is adapted from the Shakespeare play Twelfth Night. This is not the first teen comedy to draw inspiration from Shakespeare, previous attempts include Ten Things I Hate About You and Get Over It, both are easily two of the best films made in the last ten years. Given this successful trend of adapting Shakespeare into a modern, teenage setting it is safe to say that She's the Man will be an undisputed classic, destined to be cherished by many generations of film fans around the world.
Well, that is all I have for now, I hope to see you at the movies.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

MY 100th Post

This is truly a historic moment, this is my 100th post on this blog. I remember when I started this blog, most people (all two of them) told me I wouldn't last, that I was crazy for starting my own blog. Most people, including myself didn't think I would make it pasts 50 posts, but I prevailed. I truly am a king amongst men, or at least bloggers. I would like to celebrate this historical moment by drinking what ever beers are left in the refrigerator. I'm so awesome. Who knows maybe some gorgeous women will come across this blog, realize all I have accomplished and want to become the future Misses Bryan Goggins. NAH!
Today, I decided that instead of sitting on my ass, watching TV, I would go out and get some exercise.I put on my jogging pants and headed towards the door. When I got outside, I realized it was way too cold for jogging, so I went back in doors. I decided to go to the gym and lift some weights, but realized that I didn't have the muscles to lift weights. I thought I would exercise my intellect by reading a book, however I only got up to the third paragraph before I started to fall asleep. I then decided that I would watch an art film, that would surely exercise my intellect, however it was way too boring. I decided to watch Teen Wolf and analyze it, but I stopped analyzing it five minutes into the film, and focused all my energy on watching the movie and eating popcorn at the same time. In the end I wound up watching a stupid movie while sitting on a comfy chair. This was quite the eventful day.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Hollywood Actors - The Most Worthless People on the Planet

Is there anything more worthless on this planet than Hollywood actors? I think not. Have you ever watched a making of documentary and all the actors do is complain how long their hours are? They talk about how they are often on the set for 14 hours and hardly got any sleep. Of course, they are not being entirely honest, generally actors spend most of the long day WAITING, while the director and crew set up a shot. While the crew is working their asses off, the actor is in his trailer drinking coffee that one of their four assistants prepared for him, while their make up artist is working on his face. I hate actors. I hate when they bitch about the injustices in the world, while they are sitting on some cozy sofa and being lit to look beautiful. My favorite bunch are the quasi-Hollywood liberals who constantly criticize America, yet are unaware of the irony that only in America are they considered remotely important. Where else in the world could Jim Carrey make 20 million for making junk like Fun With Dick and Jane. Did George Segal make even 1/20 of that amount when he starred in the original? These self - important morons would never get paid ridiculous sums of money in any other part of the world. If anything Hollywood actors have benefitted greatly from captialism, no matter how horrible they might be. I find it ridiculous that people like Cameron Diaz, Paul Walker, Julia Roberts, Halle Berry, etc. make more money than people who actually work for a living. It just goes to show how overrated the movie going experience is.
A word to movie goers who complain about theatre prices: Movie tickets wouldn't cost so much, if stars didn't get paid ludrcious sums of money to appear in drek like Mission Impossible III. If you want to blame some one for high prices, blame your beloved actors and their demands for higher salaries. God knows Robin Williams earns his money when he plays the same spastic man child he played for 15 years.
What about the ones who perform their own stunts? Hey, if I'm shelling out crap loads of money, they better perform their own stunts and be willing to take risks. I hate actors.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Burger King kicks ass! I know this is a statement that many people will disagree with, however this is my blog and in my opinion Burger King kicks ass!
Here is my proof:
- When Lord of the Rings came out, Burger King came out with nifty Lord of the Rings glass goblets that could also light up. I got the Gandalf and the Arwen goblets. Who who can forget the awesome slogan, "They're not to behold, they're to be held." Sheer genius! I remember one time Kevin Neville and myself decided to eat some Burger King while watching Fellowship of the Ring and it made the movie ten times better!
- Whoppers. I don't even have to explain this comment, they are delicious. The Burger King on Bluemound has a special on Whoppers, two for three dollars.
- Star Wars action figures. During Episode III, you could get mini-Star Wars action figures ONLY at Burger King. It totally kicked ass!
- The Gilbert Burger. For those who don't remember, when Gilbert Brown was on the Packers, Burger King had the Gilbert Burger named after the man himself. I never had the burger, but if Gilbert Brown liked it, then it must have been good.
-A triple Whopper can last you a week. After eating it, you have no desire what so ever to eat or look at food, because you are so full.

OK, these are lame reasons, but I don't care. Burger King kicks ass!
I hate the movie going experience. Have you ever gone to a movie only to be constantly distracted by some sickly old man hacking up a lung? Or to be distracted by the chatter of stupid high school students, who are more interested in checking their overpriced cell phones than watching the film they paid $8.75 to see? What's even more annoying is when irresponsible parents drop their children off at the theatre and take forever in picking their children up. The children wait and wait, but the parents don't show, then the children decide they should be as loud and obnoxious as possible, so you constantly have to tell them to shut up. I've gone off topic. The only time I can enjoy a movie is when the theatre is empty, because then I don't have to worry about annoying distractions. Though, I admit I haven't actually seen a movie in months, because I don't have any desire to see films like Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Glory Road, King Kong and Chronicles of Narnia. In the case of the first two films, some one would actually have to pay me to see them. In the case of King Kong, I've seen the original version, therefore I do not need to see a three hour remake. As for Narnia, it looks better than King Kong, but that's not saying much.
Movies are shittier than ever! However on the bright side, at least there are no Jessica Simpson films in the works. Or are there?

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Last night a ten man expedition went to see the movie Blood Rayne, only two of which made it out a live. At precisely 6:35 PM, the ten man team entered the unknown depths of the theatre. They all brought a week's rations of food and water, as well as change of clothes, sleeping bags and flashlights. At 6:55, the movie started. Employees reported hearing blood chilling screams coming from the screen that was showing Blood Rayne. At 7:15, four members of the expedition decided they could bear no more and committed suicide. They pulled out their pistols and shot themselves in head; blood splattered all over the seats. The rest of the team decided that this mission was too dangerous; Blood Rayne was way too deadly of a movie to see. They began their descent down the stairs; one of the members lost his footing and fell down the stairway, breaking his right foot in the process. He shouted to his fellow team members, "Go on with out me! Save yourselves!" The remaining five continued with the descent, when all of a sudden a crazed Blood Rayne fan sitting in the middle row grabbed two of them and asked why they were leaving the show. His gripped was so powerful, that he crushed both team members lung cavities, killing them instantaneously. He was quoted as saying, "Blood Rayne is the best movie ever!" Then he laughed maniacally for ten minutes and ate his large popcorn. The three remaining team members successfully descended the stairs and had reached the exit, when a large soda cup filled with Mountain Dew came hurling at them. Two of the members ducked, but the third was not so lucky, the large soda cup hit his face with such force that it broke his nose, caused him to lose balance and come crashing head first into the theatre wall, rendering him unconcious. The two remaining team members took no chances and bolted for the exit doors. The came out survivors, but no doubt will be haunted by the Blood Rayne massacre for the rest of their natural lives.

Monday, January 09, 2006

What's up? Yesterday, I want to the bowling and bowled a 140, was impressed by my score, until I saw the guy next to me bowl a 260. I was furious, that I started to tear up the bowling alley. I took my bottle of Blue Moon and smashed it on the floor, then I kicked a 16 pound bowling ball with my right foot, breaking three of my toes in the process. I then punched a ten year old boy in the face, only to have his father crack me over the head with a pool stick. All in all it was a pretty crappy night, but on the plus side, I got laid.........................no, I didn't . I was just trying to impress you.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I recently saw Chronicles of Narnia and it wasn't as bad ass as I thought it would be. From the previews I was expecting a kick ass film with lots of bloody battles scenes, cool special effects, and nonstop, heart pounding action, instead I got a film with four children, cute animals and other cutesy wutesy things throw in the mix. In short, it was extremely non-bad ass in it's presentation. I was hoping for another Lord of the Rings, instead I got a Harry Potter film with out the memorable, kick ass villians.

By the way, Peter Jackson's King Kong was AWESOME! I had my doubts when I heard Jackson was remaking that cheesy movie from the 70s, but after seeing it, I was impressed. Jack Black is hilarious as the crazy film director and the dude who played Gollum in LOTR plays Kong. This film is the epitomy of BAD ASS! The only thing I didn't like about the movie was the romance between Kong and the hot chick from The Ring, Nicole Kidman if I'm not mistaken. The loves scenes were boring and almost ruined the film's over all bad assedness.
I give it a 7/10. Unlike Narnia, which I give a 4/10.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I love Christmas. When I was a kid it used to be about the gifts, now that I am an older it is about the free food and free booze. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a huge dinner and lots of beer to wash it down. The presents are the icing on the cake. The only thing that slightly annoys me about Christmas is being in a house full of little children running around, screaming at the top of their lungs. This is where having a huge supply of alcohol comes in handy, the more they run and scream, the more you drink, until everything around your becomes a drunken and the only thing you care about is reaching the toilet before you barf all over yourself.
Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

An Usher song as written by Goggins:

Yeah...woo
Yeah...woo
Baby I love you
Woo
Yeah baby
I really do
Woo
Yeah....woo
Yeah....woo
That's right girl
C'mon girl
That's right girl
C'mon girl
I love you
Woo
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah
woo
Oh c'mon girl
Yeah...woo
That's right girl
Baby, I love you
Woo
That's right I do
Woo
Yeah....woo
Yeah....woo

(Repeat three times)
Why movies are better than books!

A common phrase I often hear people mutter is, "The book is better than the movie." However, people rarely explain why this is so and in fact generally the conversation ends there. Why is the book better than the movie adaptation? Is it because the book came first? Is it because books are more detailed? No one is ever interested in explaining why a novel is better than its movie counterpart. It often annoys people that movie adaptations are very different from the novels they are based on. They either complain about how the casting was wrong, how the film left out a certain character, etc. People never comprehend why these changes happen, instead the think of them as blasphemous and disrespectful to the source material.
Let me get one thing clear, there is no such thing as a faithful film adaptation of a novel. A film could have everything scene from the novel intact, every line of dialogue, etc., but it would be an entirely different experience. Books are words, films are images. Reading a story and watching a story are two entirely different things. Which is why most books that try to remain true to their original text tend to be dull, lifeless films. When a film tries to recreate the novel, it doesn't have it's a life of its own and will only appeal to people who are familiar with the novel, which is why the first two Harry Potter films are extremely boring to people who have not read the books. No matter how faithful a film tries to be, people will always have their own ideas as to who should have been cast in the lead role, how certain scenes should have been handled, etc, hence no film is a faithful adaptation, only poor imitations trying to appease fans.
Secondly, there are many ideas that work well on paper, yet would look absolutely ridiculous on film. In Stephen King's The Shining, there is a chapter in which the character Hallorann is chased by possessed hedge animals. This is an exciting sequence to read about, but it would look absolutely ridiculous on film, Stanley Kubrick knew this when he adapted King's novel in 1980 and changed the hedge animals to a sinister hedge maze. It's a departure from King's novel, but it works in its own right and extremely well in the context of the film. Kubrick's version of The Shining has a life of its own, because one does not need to read King's novel to understand what is happening in the film. A movie adaptation first and foremost must have a life of its own in order to be considered a success. When Steven Spielberg made Jaws he tossed out all the melodramatic subplots in Peter Benchley's novel and focused on the shark, making one of the greatest films of all time in the process. The film Jaws was such a success that many people have no idea it is an adaptation. Mary Shelley's Frankenstein has been adapted so many times, in so many different ways that no one even bothers to compare the film adaptations to the original source, because they all have their own life.
When people watch an adaptation of a novel, instead of whining about what was left out of the film, they should instead question whether or not it works on its own terms. Was it a well done film? Did it move you? Did you care about what was unfolding onscreen? If the answer is yes, then the filmmakers have done their jobs and no one should care whether or not that Tom Bombadil wasn't in the film. In short, movies are better than novels, because it is far more exciting to see events happening, than to read about them.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Today, I got a call from my ex-wife, demanding that I spend some quality time with our three year-old son, I told her I had a dentist's appointment to go to and couldn't make it today. After she hung up the phone, I went to sleep and dreamt I was in the Super Bowl. In my dream, I caught the winning touch down pass and did a celebration dance in the end zone. Then a talent scout walked up to me, told me he loved my dancing and asked me if I would like to appear in the musical Grease. I said yes and I became a huge success on Broadway, while women threw themselves at me; the sex was awesome. I then won the Republican nomination for president and was elected by a landslike in the 2008 election, it was awesome. I was about to make my election speech, when I was awoken by my smoke alarm; my apartment was on fire. I realized that I had left the oven unattended and in the process the frozen pizza I put in had some how caught fire. Oh, this was indeed a tragedy. Luckily, I had half of box of Lucky Charms in my cabinets or else I would have starved. After eating that delicious bowl of Lucky Charms, I turned on the TV and watched a new episode of Family Guy, it was hysterical.

Monday, November 28, 2005


My interview with a Female






I recently had the distinct privilege of interviewing a member of the female sex, it was a rather enlightening moment in my life, for she revealed many things that I did not know about women.
Here is the interview reprinted in it's entirety:

Goggins: So what's up?
Female: Nothing much!

(awkward silence)

Goggins: So....uh.......yeah....ummm do you like football?
Female: Not really! I'm not into sports.
Goggins: Oh, well, neither am I.

(awkward silence)

Goggins: So what are you into?
Female: I like music. I'm currently the lead singer in a punk band.
Goggins: Oh, what's the name of your band?
Female: The Virginal Vixens!
Goggins: Wow, that's sounds awesome.
Female: Yeah, we're playing at Combustible Diner this weekend. It's a coffeehouse in Milwaukee.
Goggins: Oh really, maybe I will attend.
Female: You should come, it will be loads of ufn.
Goggins: Yeah.........

(awkward silence)

Goggins: Do you have a boyfriend?
Female: No.
Goggins: Can I interest you in a movie?
Female: Sure, why not?
Goggins: YESSSSSS!
Female: Can I bring my girlfriends, they really want to see Harry Potter?
Goggins: Uhhhhhhh..............sure, I guess.
Female: Oh joy, this will be a good time.
Goggins: Yeah, it will be great.
Female: Well, I got to go. It will nice talking to you Mr. Gogans. Bye!
Goggins: Bye!

That is how my interview went. The next day I saw Harry Potter with the women and her lady friends, they talked incessantly through out the movie, but not loud enough so I could hear them. Every time, they suspected I was listening (which I wasn't) they would stop their conversation for a second and watch the movie. When they felt the coast was clear, they would start talking again. The movie thankfully ended and we all said their goodbyes, the female promised she would call me with in a week. She hasn't call me yet. However, at least she was courteous enough to apologize after accidentally spilling Pepsi on my pants. That was by far the most pleasant moment I've ever had with a woman.
Last week, I drove to Wautoma, which is two hours north from where I live to celeberate Thanksgiving with my family. When I walked in my parent's house, I found my dad watching Super Bowl XXXI (The Super Bowl in which the Packer walloped the Patriots) as a means of cheering himself up after witnessing the Packers get thrashed by the Vikings for a second time on Monday Night Football. My dad then went off on a rant, "Them Packers were good in them there days. Brett Favre was the MVP and they were the ultimate team. Now look at them." He then downed a bottle of Miller and screamed, "PACKERS WON THE SUPER BOWL!" While watching Super Bowl XXXI, my dad applauded every time the Packers scored, even though he know the outcome of the game. He then did a victory dance at the end of the game. "PACKERS ARE THE AWESOME TEAM!" He shouted and spiked his plate of food on the ground. My mom just smiled and said, "Oh Dennis!" My sister and brother in law rolled their eyes, I tried to contain my laughter. Then my dad was like, "Who wants to watch it again?" We all objected, insisting we watch one of our many Thanksgiving specials. Dad objected, he was adament we watch Super Bowl XXXI again, so he rewound the tape and started watching it. Then he broke down in tears, "It's all I lie. I can't live like this any more." Then he locked himself in his room, refusing to come out, so we celebrated the rest of the holiday with out him.
OK, none of this story is true, except the part about me driving to Wautoma. If I were to write about what really happened on Thanksgiving, most of you would probably be like, "Who cares?" Then again, I'm sure most of you are thinking that right now, after having read this lousy post.
Go Green Bay!