My vampire movie is going to kick ass!

Hey dude, I'm currently working on this bad ass vampire movie called The Eternalz. I'm not exaggerating in the least when I say it's going to kick ass. In it The Eternalz (due out this Fall) I play a half man-half vampire named Pup, who along with his sexy blonde sidekick Kit, must save the world from a group of fascist vampires. It's pretty fucking awesome. There's this one scene in which Pup (me) takes on four vampires at the same time. I'm not kidding when I say these fight scenes are incredible, they almost rival the fight scenes in my previous film Knife: The Werewolf Slayer (available on DVD August 5). I'll be uploading a teaser trailer for The Eternalz on my website later on this month. I highly recommend you check it out, it will be tight...I mean cool. Who knows maybe a Hollwood exec will see my bad ass movie and sign me to five picture deal. That would rock! I'm an artist, therefore I should be taken seriously. Oh, before I forget the comic book of The Eternalz will be out in mid-September, if you are interested send me a check in the mail and I'll be sure to give you a copy. FAR OUT!

OH NO! The love of my life is leaving me. I better get in my car and chase after her. What will I ever do with out her? I got to get to the airport before her plane takes off. Man, I'm hungry. Hey, there's a McDonald's right off this exit. I have more than enough time to go through drive thru and get myself a delicious Big Mac. I'm quite certain of it. It's settled then, I will quickly get myself a Big Mac and then head down to the airport. My girlfriend will understand.
Wow, there's a long wait at the drive thru. Oh well, it's 2:3o now and her plane doesn't take off until 3:30, I should have plenty of time to get there. I know it. Besides, flights usually run late any ways. Oh boy, I can just taste that delicious Big Mac.
Alright, I am next in line. FINALLY!
Hello.....I would like a Big Mac. Wait, make that a Big Mac extra value meal with a large Coke.
ALL RIGHT!
Here's five dollars, keep the change I'm in a hurry.
SLUUURPPPPPPP! CHOMP! GULP! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM sooooo tasty! I love McDonald's. OH SHIT.........a traffic jam. No big deal, it shouldn't take too long to clear up. I have plenty of time to make it to the airport.
Wow, this is taking forever! When will this fucking traffic jam clear up. What is the fucking hold up? C'mon....my happiness is a stake here. Oh look, there's a Dairy Queen off this exit. Well, since traffic is at a stand still, I think I will go there and get myself a M&M Blizzard. ALL RIGHT!

Will our hero make in time to catch his girlfriend? Will he have enough money for an M&M Blizzard? The answer to these questions is a resounding NO! The End.

This movie is not supposed to be good. IT'S FUN!

Seriously, you need to lighten up. This film isn't trying to be good, it's mindless entertainment that every one can enjoy. Yeah, I know the storyline is kind of stupid...but that's THE POINT! I mean, c'mon it's not like this film is going to win any Oscars or anything, it's just a fun romp for the whole family. OK, maybe not the whole family, but I think you are taking it way too seriously. I mean...IT'S FUN!
Sure, the characters are undeveloped and the effects sequences are over the top, but again this is not supposed to be a serious movie. If you want to watch a serious movie, then rent some crappy independent film and let us fans have our fun. I'm totally looking forward to the sequel, I hope it's darker than the first. This movie is like Matt Hasselbeck in Super XL.....BAD ASS! What you mean the Seahawks lost Super Bowl XL? Don't give me that crap.

I hate fanboys, who make excuses when the big screen adaptation of their favorite book/cartoon/TV show sucks balls. They will make statements like, "It's not supposed to be good." I particularly hate it when they say, "It's not going to win any Oscars or anything, but....." SHUT UP! These morons have such a blind loyalty to the original series a film is based on that they like any crap Hollywood slaps together and throws in theaters.
"OH MY GOD, MY CHILDHOOD IS FINALLY BEING SHOWN ON THE BIG SCREEN. How can I not like a Transformers movie? I mean, it was my favorite cartoon growing up, therefore the movie has GAWT to be good." Then they see the movie and live in state of denial for the next ten years. Rather than admit the movie sucks, they convince themselves that, "it was.........good. I mean it was good for what it was." Then they see their shitty film two more times, just to show the world that they are loyal fans.
I wonder how many jack asses cheered in Transformers when Megatron said, "You have failed me again Starscream." I can just picture all the baseball cap wearing, nacho eating douchebags high fiving each other after hearing that line.
"ALRIGHT BRO! They remained faithful to the cartoon by having Megatron despise Starscream. BAD ASS! Where's my Mountain Dew? I got a Milk Dud in my flip flops."
Meanwhile, a bro's girlfriend who he forced into seeing this pile of dreck is thinking to herself, "Why am I here?" Then when she reaches over to grab a handful of popcorn, the Hasselbeck loving bro says, "Babe, you're blocking the screen. I can't see Optimus Prime in his full glory."
The girlfriend sits back in her seat, fights back her tears, contemplating suicide because death would be far more preferable to watching Transformers for another ten minutes.
OK, maybe I am exaggerating a tad bit. But that's just in my nature.
Meanwhile in the next auditorium a group of Pirates of the Caribbean fans are watching At World's End for the fifth time, still fooling themselves that it gets better with every viewing.
"Jack Sparrow is the Matt Hasselbeck of pirates."
Why this obsession with Matt Hasselbeck you ask? Because he was a complete nothing of a quarterback for like five years and then when the Seahawks finally made it to the Super Bowl
he became, "one of the elite." During the Seahawks Super Bowl run, a whole shitload of Starbucks drinking socialists jumped on the Matt Hasselbeck bandwagon spouting premature dribble like, "He's the best quarterback EVER!" Then the Seahawks lost the Super Bowl and like all Pirates and Transformer fans, the Hasselbeck crowd lived in denial. They couldn't comprehend how their bad ass quarterback lost Super Bowl XL, so they starting making excuses like, "It was the referee's fault." All I know is that the Seahawks lost and Hasselbeck ended their hopes of coming back by throwing a costly interception. BAD ASS!

I remember I was in this same state of denial after seeing Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. After first, I thought to myself, "It wasn't......BAD." Then I said, "Well, it's the first chapter in a saga, therefore it's going to have a lot of shortcomings. I really can't judge it until I've seen all three." Finally, after living in denial for a year I finally came out and admitted that The Phantom Menace sucked. I liked because it had Star Wars in the title, therefore it couldn't possibly be bad. Well, we all know differently know.

Wow, this was quite a rant. Did you get that? I hope you were able to follow it.

OH NO! I'm being consumed by sarcasm. HELP! I can no longer say anything with out being ironic. SHIT! I used to genuinely enjoy life, now I constantly find myself rolling my eyes while making comments like, "That was COOL!" For instance, yesterday my friend told me she went to a Bon Jovi concert and a replied in a typical snooty matter, "That is so awesome. I love Bon Jovi." She of course didn't get the sarcasm and was like, "I know, Bon Jovi kicks ass!" I live with this curse every day of my life. I once woke up from a dream I had and said, "OH! That was realllllly scary. I'm trembling with fear," then I realized I was talking to myself. I went to refrigerator, poured myself a glass of milk and said, "Oh, I LOVE 2% fat milk." Once again, no one was around and yet here I was being snarky. What the hell? That odd thing is that I do like 2% milk, so why did I say it in a sarcastic manner? I think I will watch TV, I LOVE VH1.......DAMN IT!

You know what is sidesplittingly hilarious? When women break into a drunken rendition of "Baby Got Back." It just never gets old, no matter how many times you hear it. It's something I look forward to every time I go out drinking. I'll be sitting at a bar, thinking to myself, "I sure hope a drunken female sings the Sir Mix-A-Lot classic. My life will not be complete with out it." Their sense of irony is hilarious. Get it? Cause "Baby Got Back" is sexist song that treats women as sex objects, hence it is hilarious when a woman sings it, because she's making a statement. It's brilliant social commentary disguised as mindless entertainment. It's like Transformers, only nine and a half times better. It's like Shrek 3, only with out the ulgy ogre. It's like Peyton Manning, utterly infallible. I could make more analogies, but that would take forever.

You know what makes their rendition of "Baby Got Back" even better? When the drunken women start shaking their asses, while singing the song. They are being doubly ironic. Yes, they are mockingly putting their bodies up for display. They are challenging the status quo. They are saying, "Yeah, here's my body. Enjoy it if you will, but there's more to me than just a nice ass." GENIUS! I can't tell you how many men have changed their perspectives on women after seeing a drunken, hot chick er I mean an intelligent, young lady singing "Baby Got Back" at a bar. At first they see the lovely lass as an object, but then as the song progresses they start thinking, "HMMMMMM! Maybe there's more to this babe than just a nice face!" By the end of the song, they have converted to being full fledged feminists.

That's not nice, you're so mean.

I can't believe you did that. How could you treat a fellow human being so horribly? That wasn't nice at all, you're such a mean person. I never thought a person could stoop so low, but you have jut proven me wrong. That's not nice, you're so mean. Have you told Taylor yet? You at least owe him an explanation. Man, you truly are a mean person. What happened to you? You used to be such a sweet, loving person, now you seem to take delight in other people's suffering. That's not nice, you're so mean.

This is post is my lame attempt at writing soap opera dialogue. I hope you have enjoyed it!

The Dumbest Quote I Have Ever Read!

A few months ago I did on a post on the 10 Dumbest Quotes I have ever read/heard, well I recently came across a quote on IMDB that is without a doubt the stupidest thing I have ever read.
This quote comes off the Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End message board, a Pirates hater started a thread entitled "Not breaking $300 Million." In response a Pirates fan wrote:

Besides, all this talk about AWE not making it to $300 Million domestically & being such a huge disappointment will only drive all of us who loved this movie to see it a few more times through out the summer just to help it gross over $300 + Million easily! Savvy!

What makes this quote so idiotic is how the poster makes it seem like At World's End is a lost cause worth fighting for. He/she makes it sound like this huge budgeted, over blown piece of crap is some how an under dog in need of our help. Forget all the charities that help the sick, the poor, and victims of natural disasters, it is far more important that At World's End breaks $300 Million domestically or else everything as we know it will come to a cataclysmic end. Johnny Depp must get paid!!!! And Orlando Bloom! What's to become of him if At World's End doesn't break the $300 Million mark? The horror of it all!
Well fanboys need not worry, At World's End has undeservedly passed the $300 Million mark. The world is a safe place to live in again.

How to write a shitty horror film:

1. Cast an incredibly hot actress in the lead role. She doesn't have to be a good actress, just hot.
2. Cast incredibly hot actresses in supporting roles. They don't have to be great actresses, just hot.
3. Make sure there is lots of pointless nudity.
4. Torture the hot actresses. Make the film as gory as possible. It may not be scary, but it should induce vomiting. After all, horror films are no longer about being scary, just being disgusting.
5. The killer must be faceless. It is important that he remain faceless the entire film, just so when his identity is revealed at the film's end, audiences will be shocked.
6. Finally, slap on a nonsensical twist ending, just so you can fool audiences into thinking they were watching a complex, intelligent thriller.
7. If possible, try to leave it open for a sequel. Americans love sequels!

Transformers has an 8.2 rating on IMDB.

What further proof to you need that people have lowered their standards so much that when a film simply doesn't suck, it's prematurely labeled a classic? It was bad enough when every one thought the Pirates films were the second coming of cinema, but now we have people who think Transformers is a great film, simply because it's not as bad as they expected it to be.
I can just imagine the conversation people have while exiting the movie theatre:

Dude: Wow, that movie was pretty good.
Bro: Yeah, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be.
Dude: I know, the special effects were pretty bad ass.
Bro: Dude, I'm totally going to buy it when it comes out DVD.
Dude: Me too! I bet it will have kick ass special features, bro!

Then when Transformers does come out on DVD, Dude and Bro will go to Best Buy on Tuesday, buy the damn DVD, and put it on their shelves where it will collect dust for the next five years.
The fact is Transformers is your typical, forgetable summer blockbuster that every one sees opening weekend and then forgets about on Monday. That's why it annoys me to see all these damn fanboys saying things like, "BEST MOVIE OF THE SUMMER!" and, "BEST MOVIE EVER!" I have no qualms it you actually enjoyed this atrocity, just stop pretending its a classic.
I'm sure its rating on IMDB will plummet big time, but it just sad that it's gotten such undeserving praise by so many people. Then again, the IMDB community only represents about 10% of actual movie goers, so their opinion is not necessarily that of the people, at least I hope not.

Why can't people ever shut up?

Last night, my friend Peter and I took a bus down to Summerfest, and for some reason every one on the bus decided that they had to be as loud as humanly possible. The whole back section was clapping their hands and singing songs like "Tubthumper," while a couple of annoying teenaged girls kept screaming everytime the bus came to a sudden stop or made a sudden turn. I was convinced that I had died and gone to hell. After last night, my hatred for humanity has shot up another 350%.