MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I love Christmas. When I was a kid it used to be about the gifts, now that I am an older it is about the free food and free booze. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a huge dinner and lots of beer to wash it down. The presents are the icing on the cake. The only thing that slightly annoys me about Christmas is being in a house full of little children running around, screaming at the top of their lungs. This is where having a huge supply of alcohol comes in handy, the more they run and scream, the more you drink, until everything around your becomes a drunken and the only thing you care about is reaching the toilet before you barf all over yourself.
Happy Holidays!

An Usher song as written by Goggins:

Yeah...woo
Yeah...woo
Baby I love you
Woo
Yeah baby
I really do
Woo
Yeah....woo
Yeah....woo
That's right girl
C'mon girl
That's right girl
C'mon girl
I love you
Woo
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah
woo
Oh c'mon girl
Yeah...woo
That's right girl
Baby, I love you
Woo
That's right I do
Woo
Yeah....woo
Yeah....woo

(Repeat three times)

Why movies are better than books!

A common phrase I often hear people mutter is, "The book is better than the movie." However, people rarely explain why this is so and in fact generally the conversation ends there. Why is the book better than the movie adaptation? Is it because the book came first? Is it because books are more detailed? No one is ever interested in explaining why a novel is better than its movie counterpart. It often annoys people that movie adaptations are very different from the novels they are based on. They either complain about how the casting was wrong, how the film left out a certain character, etc. People never comprehend why these changes happen, instead the think of them as blasphemous and disrespectful to the source material.
Let me get one thing clear, there is no such thing as a faithful film adaptation of a novel. A film could have everything scene from the novel intact, every line of dialogue, etc., but it would be an entirely different experience. Books are words, films are images. Reading a story and watching a story are two entirely different things. Which is why most books that try to remain true to their original text tend to be dull, lifeless films. When a film tries to recreate the novel, it doesn't have it's a life of its own and will only appeal to people who are familiar with the novel, which is why the first two Harry Potter films are extremely boring to people who have not read the books. No matter how faithful a film tries to be, people will always have their own ideas as to who should have been cast in the lead role, how certain scenes should have been handled, etc, hence no film is a faithful adaptation, only poor imitations trying to appease fans.
Secondly, there are many ideas that work well on paper, yet would look absolutely ridiculous on film. In Stephen King's The Shining, there is a chapter in which the character Hallorann is chased by possessed hedge animals. This is an exciting sequence to read about, but it would look absolutely ridiculous on film, Stanley Kubrick knew this when he adapted King's novel in 1980 and changed the hedge animals to a sinister hedge maze. It's a departure from King's novel, but it works in its own right and extremely well in the context of the film. Kubrick's version of The Shining has a life of its own, because one does not need to read King's novel to understand what is happening in the film. A movie adaptation first and foremost must have a life of its own in order to be considered a success. When Steven Spielberg made Jaws he tossed out all the melodramatic subplots in Peter Benchley's novel and focused on the shark, making one of the greatest films of all time in the process. The film Jaws was such a success that many people have no idea it is an adaptation. Mary Shelley's Frankenstein has been adapted so many times, in so many different ways that no one even bothers to compare the film adaptations to the original source, because they all have their own life.
When people watch an adaptation of a novel, instead of whining about what was left out of the film, they should instead question whether or not it works on its own terms. Was it a well done film? Did it move you? Did you care about what was unfolding onscreen? If the answer is yes, then the filmmakers have done their jobs and no one should care whether or not that Tom Bombadil wasn't in the film. In short, movies are better than novels, because it is far more exciting to see events happening, than to read about them.

Today, I got a call from my ex-wife, demanding that I spend some quality time with our three year-old son, I told her I had a dentist's appointment to go to and couldn't make it today. After she hung up the phone, I went to sleep and dreamt I was in the Super Bowl. In my dream, I caught the winning touch down pass and did a celebration dance in the end zone. Then a talent scout walked up to me, told me he loved my dancing and asked me if I would like to appear in the musical Grease. I said yes and I became a huge success on Broadway, while women threw themselves at me; the sex was awesome. I then won the Republican nomination for president and was elected by a landslike in the 2008 election, it was awesome. I was about to make my election speech, when I was awoken by my smoke alarm; my apartment was on fire. I realized that I had left the oven unattended and in the process the frozen pizza I put in had some how caught fire. Oh, this was indeed a tragedy. Luckily, I had half of box of Lucky Charms in my cabinets or else I would have starved. After eating that delicious bowl of Lucky Charms, I turned on the TV and watched a new episode of Family Guy, it was hysterical.

My interview with a Female






I recently had the distinct privilege of interviewing a member of the female sex, it was a rather enlightening moment in my life, for she revealed many things that I did not know about women.
Here is the interview reprinted in it's entirety:

Goggins: So what's up?
Female: Nothing much!

(awkward silence)

Goggins: So....uh.......yeah....ummm do you like football?
Female: Not really! I'm not into sports.
Goggins: Oh, well, neither am I.

(awkward silence)

Goggins: So what are you into?
Female: I like music. I'm currently the lead singer in a punk band.
Goggins: Oh, what's the name of your band?
Female: The Virginal Vixens!
Goggins: Wow, that's sounds awesome.
Female: Yeah, we're playing at Combustible Diner this weekend. It's a coffeehouse in Milwaukee.
Goggins: Oh really, maybe I will attend.
Female: You should come, it will be loads of ufn.
Goggins: Yeah.........

(awkward silence)

Goggins: Do you have a boyfriend?
Female: No.
Goggins: Can I interest you in a movie?
Female: Sure, why not?
Goggins: YESSSSSS!
Female: Can I bring my girlfriends, they really want to see Harry Potter?
Goggins: Uhhhhhhh..............sure, I guess.
Female: Oh joy, this will be a good time.
Goggins: Yeah, it will be great.
Female: Well, I got to go. It will nice talking to you Mr. Gogans. Bye!
Goggins: Bye!

That is how my interview went. The next day I saw Harry Potter with the women and her lady friends, they talked incessantly through out the movie, but not loud enough so I could hear them. Every time, they suspected I was listening (which I wasn't) they would stop their conversation for a second and watch the movie. When they felt the coast was clear, they would start talking again. The movie thankfully ended and we all said their goodbyes, the female promised she would call me with in a week. She hasn't call me yet. However, at least she was courteous enough to apologize after accidentally spilling Pepsi on my pants. That was by far the most pleasant moment I've ever had with a woman.

Last week, I drove to Wautoma, which is two hours north from where I live to celeberate Thanksgiving with my family. When I walked in my parent's house, I found my dad watching Super Bowl XXXI (The Super Bowl in which the Packer walloped the Patriots) as a means of cheering himself up after witnessing the Packers get thrashed by the Vikings for a second time on Monday Night Football. My dad then went off on a rant, "Them Packers were good in them there days. Brett Favre was the MVP and they were the ultimate team. Now look at them." He then downed a bottle of Miller and screamed, "PACKERS WON THE SUPER BOWL!" While watching Super Bowl XXXI, my dad applauded every time the Packers scored, even though he know the outcome of the game. He then did a victory dance at the end of the game. "PACKERS ARE THE AWESOME TEAM!" He shouted and spiked his plate of food on the ground. My mom just smiled and said, "Oh Dennis!" My sister and brother in law rolled their eyes, I tried to contain my laughter. Then my dad was like, "Who wants to watch it again?" We all objected, insisting we watch one of our many Thanksgiving specials. Dad objected, he was adament we watch Super Bowl XXXI again, so he rewound the tape and started watching it. Then he broke down in tears, "It's all I lie. I can't live like this any more." Then he locked himself in his room, refusing to come out, so we celebrated the rest of the holiday with out him.
OK, none of this story is true, except the part about me driving to Wautoma. If I were to write about what really happened on Thanksgiving, most of you would probably be like, "Who cares?" Then again, I'm sure most of you are thinking that right now, after having read this lousy post.
Go Green Bay!

I am currently waiting in line to see the next installment of Harry Potter, boy am I excited. I love Harry Potter, it is by far the greatest franchise EVER!!!! While waiting, I am reading my copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, I hope the movie stays true to the book, unlike the last installment. Why do movies feel the need to change books? Why can't they remain faithful to the source? If I made a Harry Potter movie, it would be ten hours long and totally kick ass. I remember my girlfriend (as in friend friend, not dating) was so upset how the last Harry Potter mutilated the source, that she couldn't eat a whole bag of Doritos; I had to consume at least a 1/4 of it. Did I mention that I'm dressed up as Harry? Isn't that cool? There are many kids who are dressed up like Harry, but I think I resemble him the most. Well, they are finally letting people into the theatre, I will talk to you later. THIS IS TOTALLY BAD ASS!

The End!

He's a really sweet guy once you get to know him!

Ever since I have started working at this theatre, people have told me to beware of Steve Todd; that he was a no good, low life, mother fucking asshole. However, Steve and I recently had a brief conversation at the box office and he seemed like a genuinely sweet guy. Underneath the cold exterior is a sweet, caring man waiting to come out. He kept trying to hide his sensitive side by making sex jokes, but he didn't fool me one bit. These sex jokes are his defense mechanism against getting intimate with some one who might break his heart. He is afraid to commit, because he does not who can trust in this cruel world. If I were dating Steve Todd, I would treat him like a king. He would know what it's like to have a girlfriend who truly does care for him. I only hope other people can see the sensitive Steve Todd that I know. He's really a sweet guy, even if he did get those three girls pregnant and forced them to fend for themselves. He just needs to find the right girl and I might be it.

Film Reviews:

I have been watching lots of movies lately, mainly because I have nothing better to do with my life, except stare blankly at the ceiling, contemplating my existence and believe me onceI get done contemplating, I realize there's not much to my life. Therefore, rather then depress you with a post about how futile life is, I will instead do a few movie reviews. Doesn't that sound delightful? I didn't think so.

First up:

1941: Coming off the success of Jaws and Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Steven Spielberg was convinced he could do anything, unfortunately 1941 proved him wrong. The film is a huge mess, yet it's a compelling mess. Some where beneath the explosions, mugging, screaming, and over kill is a good movie waiting to be made. The biggest problem with 1941 is the excess. There are way too many ideas for one movie, yet Spielberg tries to pack in as many as possible, sacrificing the narrative in the process. The film is crammed with characters who serve no purpose other than to scream at the top of their lung, other character (like John Belushi's half-crazed pilot) disappear completely from the narrative, only to pop up later on. Spielberg could have used a story editor, but it seems he was determined to film as much as possible, with out a vision as to what kind of story he wanted to tell.

The Ghost and Mr. Chicken: This stars Don Knotts as a jumpy typesetter at a newspaper who aspires to be a reporter. He's given the opportunity, when his newspaper wants him to spend a night in the local "haunted house." Needless to say, all sorts of mishaps occur when Don Knotts enters the house. Add an awkard romantic subplot and you got a fairly enjoyable comedy.

Dead and Breakfast: A truly dreadful horror-comedy that involves a lost wedding party, red necks and zombies. The film is supposedly a horror-comedy, but I don't think the director filled the cast in about the comedy part. The cast includes Gina Philips (who starred with the brilliant Justin Long in Jeepers Creepers), Jeremy Sisto and various sub-celebrities. The cast has absolutely no chemistry together what so ever. Often a scene will revolve around one character saying something stupid which is followed by awkard silence from the other cast members. The only actor who stands out is Oz Perkins, due to his subpar Jim Carrey-like antics. It does have a song entitled "We're Coming To Kill You," otherwise stay clear.

If you are wondering why I have not posted for the last three weeks, it's because I haven't had any internet access. It's been a long headache and I won't bore you with the details. In the three weeks I have been kind of busy, I've been to Chicago and Minnesota. I also been to birthdays, clubs and was engaged for two days. But will tell you more about that later. Expect to hear more from me later in the week. Until then...have fun!!!

Hi, I'm reporting live from Minnesota, where the Packers yet again found a way to lose what should have been an easy win. The second quarter of the game was sweet, the Packers showed the Vikings absolutely no mercy. I was watching the first half of the game in an Irish Pub, down town Minneapolis and was ecstatic over what I thought was going to be a massacre. My friend Will and I left the Irish pub, during half time and I didn't get too watch any of the second half. Then at around three I got a call from my room mate Peter, the Packers lost to the Vikings 23 to 20. What the fuck? How does an offense go from dominating the first half of the game to completely getting shut out in the second half? What happened to the defense? Why can't the Packers ever win? It's such a shame to see Favre play such great football and only have one win to show for it. Damn you Packers! Oh well, at least I had a good lunch and a couple of beers to help ease the pain. Go Green Bay!

Piltdown Man! Piltdown!
I found meself a Piltdown man
in the forest in my backyard.
He has a skull of an human
but an jaw of an ape.
He's the evolutionary link
far more advanced than
the Neandertal.
What you mean he's a fake?
There goes my ticket to
fame, because people
think I'm a fraud.

THIS POST GOES OUT TO THE 3.2323 PEOPLE WHO READ THIS BLOG!!!

I need your help in creating the next unfunny Saturday Night Live. For it is my goal to go to New York, audition for SNL and in the process create the next unfunny character that gets his own overlong, painfully unfunny movie. Here are a few characters that have come off the top of my head:

Taco Bell Guy - He's a guy who obessively talks about Taco Bell. Each week there will be painful, five minute skit in which he goes on a tangent about how Taco Bell is the greatest fast food restaurant EVER! I figure that within in a year, SNL will be desperate enough to produce a film centered around this guy.

The Unibrow - Based loosely off Kevin Neville, this character has no lines what so ever, rather people just comment on how huge his unibrow is. Then he breaks down in tears and wishes he didn't have a unibrow.

The Vendor - He's a vendor that works at a movie theatre, acts nice to customers and then says shit to them as they walk away. Imagine all the groans and suicides this character will induce. Genius.

Jimmy Fallon - A guy who pretends to be Jimmy Fallon, he spends the entire skit laughing at his own jokes and playing guitar, while every one is disgusted by his antics.

Overweight Gym Instructor - This character spends the entire skit eating hot dogs and other junk food, while yelling at his students for being unfit. Ha Ha! This has me in stitches all ready.

These are five characters I have come up with, for the 3.2323 people who read this blog, please vote which one is your favorite or least favorite. Then I will know which character to wow the SNL people with.

Half Priced Books rules! I went to Half Priced Books today and practically bought out .0005% of the store, they just had so much to choose from and at such reasonable prices. If you have not been to this wondrous store, go now and you can buy a book buy Lillian Gish about her days with D.W. Griffith, for only $4.98. That is quite a bargain, because Lillian Gish kicks ass. And if you don't know who Lillian Gish is, you are not a true film fan. And if you do, then I am glad for you. And if you wait around now, baby can't you see, I'll promise you, I will. I will.

Ende!

Steal candy from babies is not as easy as it used to be!

I remember the good old days, when all one had to do to steal candy from a baby was walked up to his/her stroller, push the mother aside and take the candy away from the helpless baby. Now, things are completely different. Yesterday, I spotted my a prey, it was little helpless baby with a huge lollipop in his right hand. He was dressed entirely in blue and had a huge smile on his face, I thought, "Ha Ha! This will be an easy task! Ha Ha! I will have candy tonight." As I approached the baby's stroller, his mother step out and told me to stop. I said, "What are you going to do about it, woman?" Cause as well all know, hysterical women are no match for tough, macho men such as myself. Just then she pulled out a can of pepper spray, sprayed me in the eyes, and cock punched me twelve times. I fell to the ground screaming, she then pulled out a crow bar and bashed in my knee caps, and the rolled the stroller over my head four times. She walked away laughing, while I all bloodied up, realized that I had been defeated by an inferior women. I decided later on that day to change my name and move out of state. I then theorized that this woman wasn't a woman, but a man in drag, who makes it his goal to thwart candy snatchers such as myself. This made me feel a little better and I decided that I would stay in the candy snatching business.

She was the most beautiful girl in the world.
I loved her unquestionably.....until
SHE RIPPED OUT MY HEART!
We were ever so happy, dancing and singing,
walking and laughing.
I never wanted this romance to end....until
SHE RIPPED OUT MY HEART!
We were to be married, have children
and live together forever.....until
SHE RIPPED OUT MY HEART!
OH WHY DO YOU MOCK GOD?
HOW CRUEL FATE IS!
WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?
She told me she wanted out of this relationship,
she said she couldn't stand the sight of me.
I broke down and tears, screaming,
"YOU RIPPED OUT MY HEART, YOU CRUEL CORPORATE BITCH!"
She then drank her over priced, Starbucks espresso and laughed at
my pain.
Why do women always rip out my heart? Why?
I think I shall end my life. Oh yes, I shall.
You don't believe me?
I shall jump off this ledge any minute, oh yes I shall.
And then you will be like, "Oh poor guy, why did that cold hearted harlot
rip out his beautiful, generous heart." Then you will have wished that you
were nicer to me in life. By cruel world, I will miss you not. I shall not return.
Damn it, this ledge is only five feet off the ground. I guess I can't kill myself after all;
I think I will have breakfast. EWWWWWWWWW HONEY NUT CHEERIOS!

The End!

WE'RE NOT DONE YET!

That was a great game guys, but WE'RE NOT DONE YET! We have twelve more games left in this season, therefore we should not celebrate prematurely. We played a good game, a good football team, BUT we still have many more good games to play, many more good teams to play. We can't be sucking each others cocks too early in the season. We will not celebrate until we have won the championship. I know you are thinking, "Can't we celebrate just a little bit?" NO! We can't celebrate just a little bit, because WE'RE NOT DONE YET! Repeat WE'RE NOT DONE YET! Do you understand? WE'RE NOT DONE YET! What did I say? WE'RE NOT DONE YET!
I hope I have made my point. Go and shower up, we have a long season ahead of us.

SPECIAL GUEST BLOGGER: A Stand Up, Female Comedian

Thank you!!! Any ways, yesterday I got home from work, completely exhausted and I asked my husband Bob if he could get me a beer. Sure enough, he drank all the beer. What's with men and beer? Am I right?
I have learned that it is futile trying to communicate with my husband when he is watching a football game; he's too busy screaming at television to hear what I have to say. What's with men and football? Am I right? Hello? Is this working? Hello?
Any ways, yesterday my friend Sue told me she had an abortion. I came to the realization that during my 39 years on the planet, I have never had an abortion, therefore I decided I was going to get one. The problem is I am not pregnant. Therefore, I decided to tell Bob that I wanted to have another baby.
I said, "Bob, I want another baby!"
He said, "Why do you want another baby? We all ready have three children."
I said, "I want another baby, so I can have an abortion. I have never had an abortion and I really want one."
He said unsympathetically,"Honey, what's the point of getting pregnant, when you are going to have an abortion? Why waste all the time and effort, if you don't want a child?"
I said, "What's the point of you owning that damn chainsaw when you never use it. That thing has been collecting dust for years. You've only used it once in the last three years, yet you don't hear mecomplaining. I let you buy that chainsaw. Can't you support me just this once?"
Needless to say, I never got the abortion. Why is that men are able to support a losing football team, but they unable to support their loving wives when they want an abortion? Am I right?

Thank you Suzie for that interesting post. And indeed, you are right.

I recently went to see a movie and I decided I would buy a tray of nachos. I love nachos. I once had a girlfriend who hated nachos, so I threw her out of my car and left her in the middle of the desert, while I scarfed down a tray of nachos. Any ways, as I walked up to the concession stand in the movie theatre, I was horrified to find out that they had sold their last tray ten minutes earlier. I panicked, I started tearing the lobby to pieces. However, in the corner of my eye, I noticed that a ten year-old girl had a tray of nachos. I ran up to her, punched her in the nose, drop kicked her in the stomach and took her tray of nachos. Victory was mine...or so I thought. Her mother saw what I did, pulled out a gun and demanded I return the nachos to her daughter, whose name was Betty Sue. I tried to explain my position, she wouldn't listen. I returned the nachos and walked away with a huge frown on my face. How could I possibly enjoy my movie without a tray of nachos. Just then I saw a gorgeous woman, carrying a tray of nachos. She was all alone. I had a plan. I ran up to the gorgeous woman, punched her in the nose, drop kicked her in the stomach and took her tray of nachos. Thus ends my story.


This was such a stupid story. Who writes this kind of crap? Seriously, who writes this kind of crap? Hi, I'm Leonard Maltin, I'm a film critic and historian. I liked the movie Runaway Bride and I am absolutely appalled by this garbage. What ever happened to all the family friendly websites? I don't know, but this kind of crap should be flushed down the toilet. Until next time, I'm Leonard Maltin and the balcony is closed. Wait, am I Leonard Maltin or Roger Ebert? Who am I? Maybe, I'm Peter Travers. I think I need a vacation.

News:

Minor:
Video Did Not Kill Radio Star, Alcohol Poisoning Did!

Green Bay Packers Win a Free Whopper!

Pauly Shore To Star In a Remake of Police Academy 4!

George W. Bush declares war on Nature, promises, "No forces of nature will ever invade American soil again!"

Major news break:

"Hotter Then Ever" Girl Visits My Blog!

That's right, it turns out that a girl, whom has identified herself as "hotter than ever" visits my blog. Why is this such big news? 1) It's a girl. 2) Not just any girl, but a girl that is hotter than ever. YES! In the future I will do my best to attract more "hotter than ever" girls, until I isolate all my loyal readers and become a shallow, superficial son of a bitch, much like Jason Gedrick in the 1985 masterpiece The Heavenly Kid. To the "hotter than ever" girl, I can only say thank you. You have given me hope when they was none. You have given me life, when there was only death. Go Green Bay!

Is this in widescreen format?

Is this DVD in widescreen format? If it is not, then I do not wish to purchase it. I only want films that are in widescreen, full frame will not do. How can one possibly watch a film in pan and scan, it's do distracting? I recently bought a copy of The Adventures of Robin Hood and to my utter disgust it was in full frame. I decided I would return this ghastly DVD to the villains at Best Buy who sold it to me. I went up to the customer service counter and told them my dilemna. Their lame excuse was that The Adventures of Robin Hood was not made in widescreen. That its aspect ratio was the same as a television screen, therefore I was not missing any of the picture. LIARS! We all know that widescreen has always been with the cinema. Even if The Adventures of Robin Hood wasn't made in widescreen, surely they could reformat the picture to give it a widescreen effect. I refuse to watch any film that does not have black bars at the top and bottom. It is my wish......nay my mission in life to see that all DVDs are presented in a widescreen format, I will not rest until this has goal has been achieved.

I saw a sneak of *wheez wheez* Serenity last night. It was so awesome. What made the night even better is that I saw a girl in the flesh! I have read a lot about girls, but I never actually thought I would encounter one. She was standing *wheez* behind the register at the box office, she printed up my ticket and told me to go to my left *wheez*. It was cool. I decided I had to talk to this goddess, so I decided I would tell her all about *wheez* Firefly, the show Serenity is based off. To my surprise and horror she never heard of Firefly. Where had she been in the last five years *wheez*? I couldn't believe that such a pretty *wheez* creature had never heard of Firefly? I told her if she wanted, she could borrow my DVD box set of the show. She nodded her head no and told me she wasn't *wheez* interested. I realized then we were of two different worlds and could never be lovers. But on the plus side, I did get a nifty Serenity T-shirt and a large Moutain Dew. Wheez!

My fantasy girl!

Something that is non-political!

I would like to reprint a poem I had to write for one of my creative writing classes in college, it is entitled SWEEP THE FLOOR.

Sweep the Floor

Excuse me sir
Could you sweep the floor?
It's filthier than a unattended port a john
Sweep the floor

Rock hard popcorn every where
I see DUST
DUST is my arch-nemesis
Invades like an army
and then colonizes the floor
SWEEP THE FLOOR NOW

I can't take it any more
OH MY GOD, a Pepsi spill
MOP IT! MOP IT!
Can you hear me?
The floor is being
possessed by filth
SWEEP THE FLOOR

If you could......
that would be great
Thank you sir.

Wasn't that brillaint? Huh? Guys? Any body? Hellooooooo?

In the past, I have often attacked liberals for being complete idiots, which has given at least two people the false impression that I am a Republican. However, let it be known that I despise Republicans about as much as I despise liberals. If Bush is the best the Republicans have to offer, then the party is in serious shit. If John Kerry wasn't such a nostalgic, Hollywood ass kissing tool, he probably would have won the election. Unfortunately, he couldn't make up his mind about anything except that he was a war hero and it cost him votes. Extreme conservatives are as equally annoying as extreme liberals; especially conservatives like Micheal Medved, who constantly make it a point to tell Americans what is and what is not offensive. If you don't know who Michael Medved is, he used to have a PBS show called Sneak Previews with Jeffrey Lyons, in which they reviewed current movies. Medved practically hated every film that wasn't family friendly. He generally championed crap like Rookie of the Year because it had good values, while he denounced films like Pulp Fiction, because they were morally corrupt and bad influences on our society. Obviously, Medved was oblivious to the main theme in Pulp Fiction: Redemption. The characters in each story have a chance to redeem themselves; the ones that take the chance wind up living with a new out look on life at the films end.
Michael Medved was also one of the many interviewees in the dreadful Celsius 41.11, in which all he does is ridicule John Kerry, while making himself seem so much better for being a conservative.
Then you get the extreme conservative morons who make it their mission to ban books, little realizing that by making a big fuss over these books, they are helping its sales. Banning books will not solve anything, except aiding a struggling author in his quest to become a top selling author. Liberals and conservatives should solve all their differences by playing a nice game of tackle football, not only would they get all the hostility out of the way, they might become good friends by the game's end. That is my thought. This is probably the most political I will ever get on this blog, which I'm sure all five of you are grateful for.
Thank you!

My Manifesto For the Bitter:

1. Never get involved in a conversation that doesn't concern you. If two girls are talking about how their girlfriend Abigail had an abortion, keep away at all costs.
2. Why pay money for a movie that has all ready been made?
3. For men: Never trust a woman who agrees with you on every issue.
4. There's no such thing as a lesser evil.
5. Books are not better than movies, they just require more time to finish.
6. Self proclaimed artists are usually self absorbed, no talent hacks.
7. For women: Never date a guy who is the life of the party; the spotlight is his and his alone.
8. Extremes are never a good thing, they can only alienate.
9. There is no such thing as a really "sweet" guy, we are all horny son of a bitches; some less than others.

The speed limit is 45, I think I will go 35 just to be safe. After all, slow but steady wins the race. Why be in a hurry, when I can enjoy the beautiful scenery? Oh look honey, did you see the billboard? It was an advertisement for McDonald's! Isn't that neat? Man, I'm enjoying the scenery so much, I think I will decrease my speed to 25 miles an hour. This is so much fun! Hey, why is the guy behind me shaking his fist? What's his problem? Now, he's extending his right hand out of the window. He just gave me the finger! How rude! Now he's passing me!
Hey sir, reckless driving is a risk to every one. I wonder why he was in such a hurry? Why be in a hurry, when you can enjoy such beautiful scenery? What the hell? There's another guy behind me wanting to pass. Geez, what is wrong with all these people? Look, they have a ShopKo! Sweet, I need to buy a few rolls of film.

The End
Color By Technicolor

C'mon Rick, where's the movie? Rick? Are you threading that projector properly? C'mon Rick, we are getting anxious. Damn it Rick, what is taking you so long? Rick? I really want to see this movie, because from all accounts it is pretty awesome. Oh no, Rick did you just drop the print on the floor? Shit! Now, we can't watch the movie. Thanks a lot Rick, you ruined our evening.

I got myself a new watch for ten dollars at K-Mart. It's pretty damn awesome. It maybe the nicest watch I have ever had in my possession. I once had a Bugs Bunny watch, but I lost it when it fell in the toilet. I also had a gold watch, but my girlfriend of five years stole it when we broke up. What a bitch! I hate women, all they ever do is take things. They take, take, take, but they never give. I remember one time I met this woman at a ShopKo and she was buying a box of tampons. She was a dollar short, so I loaned her a dollar as a nice gesture. How did she repay me? By driving off in her car with her muscle bound boyfriend, who flipped me the bird. Ever since then I have resented women.
Back to my watch, it's pretty cool. I only hope it will be a permanent part of my life, unlike the relationships I've had with women. At first they think the world of you, then after awhile they get bored so they leave you for the first flashy (but shallow) male that catches their eye. God, I hate women. Thank you K-Mart for supplying me with this beautiful watch.

NOTE: This is based off a true story. As we all know if a story is based off a true story, it is automatically good.

Why is every other horror film a remake?


It seems that in the last three or four years, the majority of horror films have been remakes. This trend of remaking horror films doesn't seelike it will be ending any time soon, rather it seems like it will only escalate. From 2002 - 2005, there have been needless remakes of such films as: The Ring, The Ring 2, The Grudge, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn of the Dead, The Amityville Horror, House of Wax, and The Fog to name a few. Most of these films fail when compared to the original, with the exception of The Amityville Horror. In the case of The Amityville Horror, the remake could only improve upon the exceedingly boring, occasionally hilarious original.
Mainly because the remake was more or less a rehash of The Shining, which in any form is vastly superior to The Amityville Horror.





Other remakes have not been so successful, mainly because they more or less try to hard to appeal to a more contemporary audience. The dreadful update of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, made two major mistakes. The first being that it tried explained the origin of Leatherface. In the remake, it is revealed that Leatherface has a skin disease and was constantly ridiculed as the child. The film tries to make the character some what sympathetic, taking away the mystery that made him so chilling in the original film. Secondly, it decides to throw in a good, old fashioned child in danger sub-plot. In the film, Leatherface's family has in their midst an innocent toddler, who's family was slaughtered by Leatherface. Therefore, the heroine (Jessica Biel) decides to risk her life to save the toddler from the vile clutches of the Leatherface clan. The original film unnerved you from start to finish, the remake tries to hard (and fails) to make you sympathize with the unlikeable characters.


House of Wax remake owes more to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, than it does to 1933's Mystery of the Wax Museum, and the 1953 film starring Vincent Price. The characters get lost in the back woods and run into a town made of wax that is run by a group of half crazed, red necks looking to avenge their mom's death. It is truly a dreadful film, only made watchable thanks to the delightful scene in which Paris Hilton gets impaled by a sharp object, thus providing a cathartic moment for 95% of all Americans. The other redeeming quality is that is stars Elisha Cuthbert, who is gorgeous, though she is covered in blood for most of the films running time.





As I mentioned before this trend of remaking horror films doesn't seem like it's going to end any time soon; it has been announced that in 2006 a remake of The Evil Dead is going to hit cinemas across the country. If IMDB is to believed it is going to star the one and only Ashton Kutcher, thus turning yet another uncompromising classic into poster boy dribble for the teeny bopper audiences.

VIOLENT PICTURES!
Last year, a group of us drove to New Jersey to attend our friend, Jonny P's wedding. However, after being couped up together for a few days, we lost all reason and turned into a pack of vicious animals, constantly tearing at one another's throats. Here are a few pictures, which record in shocking detail just how brutal we behaved towards one another. Can you possibly stand the horror?

A Tribute to Blackbeard's Ghost

Blackbeard's Ghost is with out a doubt of the funniest movies of all time! There have been many films about pirate ghosts, but very few have come close to matching Blackbeard's Ghost in sheer hilarity. The film is about a new track coach(Dean Jones) who accidentally summons the ghost of Blackbeard the pirate (Peter Ustinov). The only way for Jones to get rid of Blackbeard is by helping him to perform a good deed. It doesn't help that Jones is the only person who can see Blackbeard's Ghost and that the faculty thinks he has gone out of his mind. We are treated to endless shots of Jones yelling into thin air, while people stare at him, baffled by his behaviour. The best scene involves a track meet in which Blackbeard helps the undergod team, Godolphin win by throwing track members in the air, tripping the other track teams and replacing their batons with hotdogs, flags, and empty soda bottles. The film is 108 minutes, but seems a lot shorter, thanks to its fast pace, likable cast, and cheesy special effects.

5 Worst Films of All Time?

The problem with composing a list of the five worst films of all time is that you will always find a person who disagrees with you. Every year a film is released that could be labeled, "The worst movie of all time." Therefore, while composing this list, I decided to focus on a certain types of films, that is films that set out to make an important statement, but are undermined either by their heavy handedness, self importance, or failure to relay the message they are trying to get across. For instance, Van Helsing is a genuinely awful film, yet it never pretends to be anything more than a film about the vampire hunter and his big breasted female companion trying to stop Dracula from taking over the world. Where as a movie like Patch Adams poses as a scathing critique of the medical establishment, when in reality it is just another film tailored to the wacked out comic stylings of Robin Williams. It's message is undermined by scenes of Robin Williams acting like a complete moron. With out further ado, here are the five films I selected.
Note: The Last Samurai is not on this list.

5. The Village - M. Night Shyamalan is one of the most over-rated directors working film today. His films are admired not so much for the story, but rather for their style. Fans of M. Night Shyamalan are under the false impression that anything he touches is automatically good, which explains why The Village has so many defenders. Yet, if this were not an M. Night Shyamalan film, people would see it for the mediocre film that it is. The Village often feels like an unofficial remake of the forgotten, little seen Roger Corman film Teenage Caveman. Both films sport similar premises, characters and endings. The Village has been interpreted as an allegory for post 9/11 America. In it, the elders (government) of the village have deceived their children into believing that they are in constant threat of attack from an outside force, if they wander out of the village. The elders use scare tactic to maintain the status quo, especially when some one questions their reasoning. The outside world is also part of this deception, as the elders have some how made arrangements with the park service not to allow airplanes to fly over the forest the village is located. This illusion they have created is threatened when one of the sons is stabbed by a knife, and his life is dependent upon the aid of outside medicines.
The problem with this allegory is that is entirely dependent on the twist ending. The entire film is built around the premise that the village takes place in the past and that the outside forces in the woods do exist, and are out to harm the villagers when the pact is broken. The elders seem right in their reasoning in not wanting people to leave the village. When their deception is revealed it's about as involving as watching a man water the lawn. It doesn't seem profound, because Shyamalan's twist ending is pretty damn obvious from the get go. The scenes with the creatures come off as being what they are revealed to be, men in bad costumes.
The characters in the film are not involving either. Lucius (Joaquin Phoenix) is more of a plot device then a character, he wanders into the forest, causes a few bad events to occur, falls in love and is conveniently stabbed, causing the deception of the elders to be exposed (to the audience any ways). Ivy Walker (Bryce Dallas Howard) the quintessential virginal heroine is almost too innocent, not only is her love for Lucius true, but she is blind and therefore oblivious to all the deception that is happening right in front of her nose. Is she supposed to represent the American people, who are blind our government's deception even though it happens ever day?
Or is it her innocence that allows her to survive in both the village and the real world unscathed? The film itself has too many slow sequences that involve characters talking; the first half has absolutely no tension what so ever. The creatures (before they are revealed to be fake) come across as more silly than menacing. The only good thing I can say about the film is that it is beautifully shot by Roger Deakins.



4. Fahrenheit 9/11 - I always find it ironic that Michael Moore is everything he claims to hate: a rich, white male who makes money off of the human suffering. In Bowling For Columbine he cashed in on the losses suffered by the families of the victims in the Columbine tragedy, and in Fahrenheit 9/11 he cashes in on the victims of 9/11 and the Iraq war, while putting on a compassionate front. Fahrenheit 9/11 is riddled with inconsistencies at one point Moore criticizes the Bush administration for allowing members of the bin Laden family to be flown out of the country days after 9/11, only to imply later in the film (He doesn't directly say it) that Osama bin Laden was not responsible for 9/11, that it was in essence a conspiracy between the Bush Administration and Saudi Arabia. He constantly tries to convince the audience of a Bush/Saudi Arabia conspiracy by showing us how they are connected. The Bush Administration is only a friendly basis with Saudi Arabia, therefore there must be an elaborate conspiracy brewing. Unfortunately, Moore fails to tell the audience that the last few presidents, including the Clinton Administration have had friendly relationships with Saudi Arabia, therefore if Bush is part of a conspiracy, then Clinton must be in on it as well. Fahrenheit 9/11 is propaganda at its worst. Rather than do a serious critique of the Bush Administration, Moore resorts to scape goating, character assassination, wild speculations, and over blown (and easy to disprove) conspiracy theories to vilify George W. Bush. He never seems interested in criticizing Bush's actions, rather Bush himself. At one point he criticizes Bush for going to war in Afghanistan, yet when Bush tries using diplomacy with the Taliban by meeting with one of its member, he criticizes Bush in welcoming the enemy and engaging in conspiracy. No matter what George W. Bush does, in the eyes of Michael Moore he is always wrong. It's hard to take Michael Moore seriously, because he seems to have no idea what he wants to say, just who he wants to attack.
There are many things wrong with Fahrenheit 9/11, but it would take me a long time to write all of them down. Fahrenheit 9/11 is either worst documentary ever made or one of the greatest propaganda pieces ever produced. You decide!

3. The Passion of the Christ - For awhile it seemed that this movie was above criticism. When it was released if any one had any sort of criticism for this movie they were accused of hating Christianity. What was even more annoying is how so many televangelists went on television saying how this film was the most accurate depiction of Jesus' crucifixion and death, and that it was more a documentary than an actual film. These are very bold claims, none of which are accurate. The Passion of the Christ can hardly be considered a documentary, or accurate considering how vague the bible is in its description of Jesus' crucifixion. The film is not the bible's representation of the final hours Jesus' life, it is Mel Gibsons interpretation of the bible and what he thinks the last hours were like. The flogging of Jesus by the Romans is never very descriptive, yet Mel Gibson some how lingers on it for more than fifteen minutes of screen time, showing every wound in close up, every drop of blood, every piece of flesh torn out. It is not so much a movie of personal faith as it is a long fetish film made by a man who has an odd fascination with violence.
The main problem with The Passion is its depiction of Jesus, he is never given much of personality, except of a wrongfully oppressed man getting beaten by a corrupt system. The film is completely devoid of any context, therefore for any one who has not read the bible, it is quite a mystery as to why Jesus is being crucified. The film never takes the time (with the exception of a brief flashback to the Sermon on the Mount) to show why the religious leaders and Rome considered Jesus a threat. All the audience is shown is that he is a loving, innocent man who is wrongfully put on trial.
Mel Gibson focuses so much time on the crucifixion, that the resurrection of Jesus is an almost after thought. In the bible it is an awe inspiring event filled with joy and hope, in The Passion it plays more like a build up to violence; Jesus arises out of his tomb, opens his eyes, slowly gets up and looks like he is ready to kick some ass. The fact is that the crucifixion has absolutely no meaning without the resurrection. If Jesus simply died on the cross, then would have just been another would be revolutionary who was chewed by the Roman machine. His resurrection gives the crucifixion a deeper meaning, this is something that completely gets lost in The Passion.
The other problem is how Gibson constantly literalizes evil by having CGI demons pop out of nowhere, shots of an androgynous Satan tempting Christ, and a laughable sequence with Satan and a midget.
It's amazing how in the hands of Mel Gibson that the story of a man who taught peace, love and acceptance becomes one of the goriest films ever made.


2. Persona - I am at a lost as to why so many film professors consider this film to be a great work of art! It is about as boring and pretentious as films come. Persona is supposedly about a nurse who is hired to take care of an actress, who has lost the capacity to speak. As the film progresses their personalities slowly merge, only to be torn apart by deception, or something along those lines. It's hard to get into the story because Ingmar Bergman constantly makes it a point to remind his audience that they are watching a film. Thus there are random shots of projectors, boom mikes, and even a reflection of Bergman directing shot thrown in for good measure. I have no idea what the film is trying to say and neither do most of the film's supporters for that matter. All I know is that if you ever have trouble sleeping, just pop this film into the VCR and you will be out in no time.

1. Patch Adams - The worst movie ever made, no ifs ands or buts about it. Nathan Rabin of The Onion perfectly summed up this film when he wrote, "But the film's fuzzy political content gets submerged under layers of sappy sentimentality, crowd-pleasing speeches, and some of the most shameless audience-manipulation techniques this side of Triumph of the Will." At first Patch Adams seems sincere in it's questioning of the medical establishments attitude towards it patients, but this theme becomes merely a device which allows for Robin Williams to perform some of his most annoying comedy antics to date. Slowly, the theme of the uncaring medical establishments fades into the story of a saintly, almost Christ-like rebel who's unconventional methods bring joy into the lives of some many people. I'm sure some where in the Universal vaults there is a deleted scene that shows Patch heal a young girl of her blindness, while a crippled boy throws down his crutches and walks over to hug him. It's these kind of moments of unearned sentiment that make you sick to your stomach. The main annoying thing about Patch Adams (other than Robin Williams chumming it up for the cameras) is how the director Tom Shadyac uses reaction shots of people laughing to show how funny Patch is. Every time Patch does something remotely funny, there is a close up of sickly patients laughing like it is the funniest thing on the planet, thus renewing a sense of purpose in their life. In one painful scene, Patch puts on a red clown nose, which causes a sick, young girl to laugh hysterically. Patch Adams is 115 minutes long, about 30 minutes of its running time consists of people laughing at Patch's supposedly hilarious antics. It's almost like the filmmakers needed to put in a laugh track, just to remind audiences that they are supposed to laugh at certain moments.
Here is a question for people who like this movie: If a man wearing red clown nose came into your room and said he was your doctor, would you trust him? I think not.
Well, this post took far longer than I expected and I don't think I have said nearly enough to back up my claims. But as far as I'm concerned these are five of the worst films ever made, I'm sure many people will disagree, but these are my selections.

There needs to be a Jason movie, in which Jason decides to turn over a new leaf and a get real job working at a Dairy Queen. The entire film would be Jason resisting the urge to kill customers when they complain about random things or take ten minutes to order food off the menu. There would also be a scene in which Jason sees two co-workers having sex in the back room and Jason spends the entire time fighting the temptation to kill them. He would first fight the urge by making himself a Blizzard, then trying to read a magazine, only to find himself reaching for a nearby knife and heading towards the back room. Just when he's about to give in to his homicidal urges, the two walk out of the backroom and the guy high fives Jason. This would make for one good movie. Don't you think? Any one? Any one? Hello.....any one out there?

Hi, my name is Drew, but you can call me yours. I know what you are thinking, how could some one as attractive as myself possibly be single? Well, frankly I have yet to find a woman that lives up to my standard of excellence. I am a model of perfection, where as every girl I have met has been riddled with imperfections. I despise imperfections, especially in women. I once was dating this girl named Sally. We were on our way to the Gap, when she made the mistake of saying she like Burger King. I was repulsed. I only eat healthy foods, therefore I could not stomach the idea of dating some one who fills her body with unhealthy crap like Burger King. I stopped the car and told her to get out. She was in tears, I drove away. Another time, I was dating a girl who started singling along to a Britney Spears song in the car, I immediately turned off the radio and said, "Stop singing, you have a horrible voice. Don't mock Britney Spears!" Then I insisted she pull over, so I could walk to the nearest bus station.
Well, that's all I have for now. I hope there are some lovely ladies out there looking for a perfect male such as myself to sweet them off their feet; be sure to have a flawless profile or else I won't accept you.


PS: I'm currently low on cash, so if you could pay for the first couple of dates, that would be much appreciated.

Point:

Guys, can we stop off for a few snacks? I'm hungry and I didn't eat any thing before we headed out. Please, it will only take a few minutes. I can't watch a Packer game on an empty stomach.

Later....

Let's see, what do I need? Ah yes, a loaf of bread, some ham, and delicous potato salad. EWWWWW, look a container of coleslaw on sale of a dollar eighty five! I hope the guys don't leave me behind like they did last time.

Later......

Guys I'm done. GUYS? GUYS? OH VERY FUNNY GUYS!

Counter-point:

Oh crap, we left John back at the grocery store again. Should we turn around and get him?

No time, the game is about to start.

It doesn't start for another forty five minutes.

OK, I don't want to turn around and pick up his fat ass, he can walk! Believe me, we all win in the long run; John will get some much needed exercise and I will save money on gas.

The memoirs of My Father, the Packer Backer

Part I: The Packer Game

ALL RIGHT THE PACKERS ARE ON TODAY! ALL RIGHT! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE BRETT FAVRE AND THEM PACKERS WIN THEM VIKINGS! GO GREEN BAY!

Later.........

COME ON FAVRE! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? YOU CALL THAT A THROW? COME ON FOCUS! FOCUS, DAMN IT! What are they doing now? Why are you running it on third and fifteen? THAT'S JUST FUCKIN' STUPID! OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, HE FUMBLED THE BALL! It's just like the Packers to ruin a two touch down lead. Where's the beer? I need a drink. THEY DON'T DESERVE TO WIN!

Later.....

Well, the Packers proved once again that they are the awesome team. Sure, they made mistakes, but in the end they proved to be the victor. GO GREEN BAY!

(Note: This is not a picture of my father.)

I expressed my love for Buster Keaton a few post back. However, I did not do enough justice to the GREATEST comedian of all time. What is amazing about Buster Keaton is how well his films still hold up. The General, Sherlock Jr., Our Hospitality, and The Navigator still are funny after 70+ years; at times they completely mesmerizing in how well constructed and timed they are. Very few films have surpassed The General. Buster Keaton is my favorite comedian of all time. I prefer Keaton to Charlie Chaplin, mainly because Keaton doesn't try as hard to make you like his character. Chaplin is always look for sympathy, at times his techniques are enough to induce vomiting, especially in his film Limelight. Don't get me wrong, Chaplin was an incredible talent; Moderns Time and City Lights are two of my favorite films, it's just that I prefer Keaton's more subtle touch. Not to mention Keaton's films generally fly at a much faster pace, often he doesn't give you time to catch your breath. If you have not seen any Buster Keaton film, then I recommend you either rent a few, or try to catch them when they are showing on Turner Classic Movies. Don't let the fact that they are silents turn you off; they are far more visually exciting that most movies now a days. End.

10 Favorite Things on the Planet

1. Being an uncle, because it gives me an excuse to play with toy cars. Not to mention, I can warp the minds of my nephew and niece. Ha Ha Ha!
2. Doing moronic dance moves with friends.
3. Women who aren't afraid of me.
4. Women who don't like movies. I'm a film studies major; the last thing I want to talk about when I'm with a woman is movies.
5. Women who like to dance.
6. Stuffing my face at family get togethers.
7. Good DVDs that are on sale.
8. Sleep.
9. Having a blog where I can spew out pointless rants that no one really cares to read about.
10. Music, particularly classic rock, 80s rock and old school punk rock.

The Greatest Franchise of ALL TIME:
In the 80s, the cinema was populated with machete wielding psychos, bad music, and Police Academy movies. From 1984 to 1989, six Police Academy films were made, which resulted in countless imitations and a short lived cartoon series based off the hit films. In 1994 the producers tried to revive the franchise with Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, despite the sheer brilliance of the idea, the public seemingly had enough of the franchise. Not me though, they could make ten more Police Academy movies and I would be dumb enough to buy all of them, especially if Steve Guttenberg reprised his role as Mahoney. The writing was far from brilliant, the acting was less then great, the comedy often fell flat; despite all of these weaknesses, the Police Academy films had a great deal of energy to them, you got to admire a franchise that is willing to stick to a re-occurring joke in which a character unwittingly walks into a gay bar (even though the joke wore out its welcome at the end of the first film). There's something oddly enduring about Captain Harris constantly shouting,"MAHONEY" thirty times through out each film and always failing in his scheme to bring down the Police Academy. Then there's Jones constantly making sound effects with his mouth, always fooling criminals into thinking they are surrounded by police, or that they are fighting a super human being. Finally, who can forget the clue less Commandant Lassard (played by George Gaynes, who delighted millions of TV viewers as Henry on Punky Brewster), who despite being a complete moron managed to keep his job at the academy. The best scenes always involved him talking to his gold fish and nearly killing it in the process. The Police Academy series will always have a special place in my every growing, cynical heart. Go out and rent all seven! You will either be pleasantly surprised, or you will want to kill the first person you come in contact with. Either way, it is quite an experience.