This direct to DVD movie better be good or else there will be hell to pay!

I just rented the latest American Pie sequel Beta House and all I can say is that it better live up the genius that was American Pie Presents Band Camp and American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile. Those films were genuine classics, where as I have sneaky suspicion that this latest installment is nothing but an Animal House rip off. As improbable as it seems, I think the American Pie series might be taking a turn of the worse. It's kind of like how the Bring It On series went into decline with the release of Bring It On: All Or Nothing. I mean that film did hold a candle to the first two films in the series, despite the presence of the delightful Heroes star Hayden Panettiere. However, I still have to watch Beta House, so as far as I know it could possibly be the best film in what is possibly the greatest franchise in the history of cinema. I hope Jason Biggs has a cameo in this film. That would be funny!

FOX 6 Blitz is the funniest show on television.
If you have not watched FOX 6 Blitz, you are missing out on what is perhaps the most entertaining half hour show on television. For those who do not what FOX 6 Blitz is, it's a local show that covers the Green Bay Packers every Sunday night during football season. It is hosted by Tom Pipines, Jen Lada, and Tim Van Vooren. The best part of show is when each of the three give their grades for the Packers offense, defense, and special teams. Usually, Tom Pipines will give the Packers a D+ and then say something along the lines like, "even though the Packers scored 35 points, they only had 65 rushing yards. Simply not a good team. I don't know how they can possibly compete in the play offs." Meanwhile, I nearly die from laughter. Never has a sports show been so entertaining. Then he'll go on some tangent about how, "Wisconsin's own Tony Romo is the greatest quarterback in the history of the game," much to the amusement of every one else.

Tom Pipines always has to stress the point that Tony Romo is from Wisconsin, because some how it is a victory for the state that we produced such a fine athlete! Bah! Then he'll go, "I know the Packers are 13 -3, but they're simply not a good football team." Then Jen and Tim nod their heads, knowing it is best to remain silent, rather than set Pip off on another tangent.

At the end of each show, Tom, Jen, and Tim give their MVPs from the game. Jen seems to choose Mason Crosby every other week. To her credit Mason Crosby has scored the most points in the NFL. However, probably her most memorable choice came last football season in the New Years Eve game against the Bears in which she picked Rex Grossman as the game's MVP. He did after all throw two interceptions for touch downs in that game. Poor Rex Grossman.
Meanwhile, Tom Pipines usually says something along the lines of, "Well even though Greg Jennings had two touch down passes, he still dropped a few balls. Therefore, I give him a B -. And the only reason why he's my MVP is because I gave every one else on the team a D. Simply not a good football team."
Tim usually picks Donald Driver or some other veteran on the team. Very rarely do they pick Brett Favre, which is probably good, because there's been way too much Brett Favre slurping this entire season, especially by Tony Kornheiser.
It's pretty sad that once this football season ends, there will be no Fox 6 Blitz for a long time. How will I live with out knowing what grade Tom, Jen, and Tim will give the Packers? I do not know!
Simply not a good football team.

PS: Tom Pipines has not used the phrase, "Simply not a good football team" at all this season. He did however say it a lot a couple of season ago. Then he gave every one on the Packers an F.
Meanwhile, Wisconsin's own Tony Romo was sitting on a bench watching Drew Bledsoe play with that stupid grin on his face.

You best start believing in bad movies Miss Turner, you're in one.

That was the thought that entered my head after having watch Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End in it's entirety on Christmas Day. My sister for reasons unknown loves At World's End and owns the DVD, so I decided that I would kill some time by popping in the DVD and giving the film a fair chance, sadly I am still watching the damn film. It has no end! AAAHHHH! It keeps going. Enough with the multiple Jack Sparrows! It wasn't that funny the first time around! Enough with the betrayals! I can't even keep track on who is what side and why. Huh? Are the characters supposed to unlikable? If so, the filmmakers have succeeded. On the plus side, at least there isn't a ten minute scene in which three annoying characters fight in a wheel, instead we get a ten minute sequence in which Jack Sparrow swings on a rope fighting random bad guys. To the film's credit, it is a slight improvement over Dead Man's Chest, but then against what isn't? Though, I have to admit that I did enjoy Geoffrey Rush's performance as Captain Barbossa, he made the first half hour tolerable. Unfortunately, once Johnny Depp enters the picture, Barbossa gets sidelined to make room for Jack Sparrow's wacky antics and Will and Elizabeth's dull romance. I say dull, because they spend of most of the film's running time mad at each other. Incidentally, when exactly did Elizabeth become a sword wielding bad ass? When did she learn to fight with a sword? When did she have time? Yet, at the film's head ache inducing conclusion she is holding her own against pirates who have spent their entire lives fighting with swords. What? I know it's suppose to be suspension of disbelief, but even a fantasy film needs to abide by the rules. If a woman goes from being a spoiled governor's daughter to a sword wielding pirate, there's got to be a transitional period in the movie, sadly it doesn't exist.
Then again, it's not like there was a script or anything to guide the filmmakers.

Tony Romo is no longer delightful!

After losing the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday, Tony Romo is no longer delightful. He is no longer the Jack Sparrow of the NFL. He no longer thrills us with his wacky on field antics, rather he annoys us with his sheer incompetence. Oh TONY, WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED US? We thought you were the greatest quarterback of all time, instead you pulled a Joey Harrington by completely sucking it up. Remember how Joey Harrington was delightful for half a season before his enthusiasm for sucking got annoying? Will Romo drop his chance to go the Super Bowl again?
Meanwhile, according to ESPN the Patriots might be human after all! WOW! Ladies and gentlemen the Patriots are no longer for real, because they are not blowing out the opposition.

I'm so excited that the Bears are 5 - 6, that means they have a shot at making the play offs. Since, they have replaced that no good Brian Griese for the time tested Rex Grossman that means they are sure to get in as a wild card. Unlike Griese, Grossman has played in the post-season, he knows the pressure that comes with a play off game. Ladies and gentlemen the Bears are for real! Just like they were the last two seasons and in 1985. Do you remember the 1985 Bears? Us Chicago Bears fans can never forget what a magical year that was. Do you remember Super Bowl XX? I sure as hell can ever forget the sight of seeing Jim McMahon rushing for two touchdowns. This was a magical team folks. I mean, the Packers never went 15-1, hence, that means the 1985 Bears were the best team EVER! I know sports writers will tell you that the 1972 Dolphins were the best team ever, because they went undefeated and this years Patriots might be the greatest team ever assembled, but that is all hogwash. Did the 1972 Dolphins have the deadly 46 zone defense? I think not. Do the 2007 Patriots have Walter Payton on their team? NO! When you factor in these two equations one is forced to admit that the 1985 Bears were the greatest team of all time. Far more fearsome that the 1996 Packers, who were just frauds posing as champions.

PS: I know a few weeks ago I was excited that the Bears benched Grossman in favor of Brian Griese, well since then I've come to the realization that Grossman is the quarterback for us. He's learned a lot since coming off the bench and it wouldn't surprise me if he gets voted into the pro-bowl and wins league MVP. He was totally robbed of both honors last year.

Tony Romo is delightful!

Tomorrow Tony Romo takes on Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers, it's bound to be a great game. As we all know Tony Romo is from Wisconsin, which means he MUST be a Brett Favre fan. How can he not be? After all he's from Wisconsin and as we all know all Wisconsinites love Brett Favre. And Bart Starr. But Tony Romo didn't grow up watching Bart Starr, he grew up watching Brett Favre, because Tony Romo is from Wisconsin and all Wisconsinites watch Brett Favre.
The Romo/Favre comparison is inevitable seeing as how Tony Romo grew up in Wisconsin, but Romo reminds me more of that delightful pirate Jack Sparrow, than he does Brett Favre.
Like Jack Sparrow you can't tell if he is ad libbing a play or if that is how he planned it all along; like that botched snap against St. Louis, in which the center snapped the ball over his head and he evaded defenders to get the coveted first down. That was very Jack Sparrowesque. It was delightful. Not since Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End has something brought such a huge smile to my face. Did I mention Tony Romo is from Wisconsin? And that he loves Brett Favre? I did. It's staggers the mind that a small town Wisconsin kid could achieve so much success in so little time. It's kind of like how Jack Sparrow went from being a lovable misfit to being the captain of his own pirate ship. Delightful!
I hope there is a fourth Pirates film, that way Tony Romo can be cast as Jack Sparrow's delightful younger brother Jake. That would be awesome. Not as awesome as Wisconsin's own Tony Romo taking on Green Bay legend Brett Favre in the NFC Champsionship game, but close.

Why is it no one remembers my name?

Hi ya Folks! Remember me? No! It's me Jackie Vernon! Does that name ring a bell just a little bit? Not even a tiny tad? C'mon folks, it's me Jackie Vernon, I did the voice of Frosty the fuckin' snowman for chrissake! Now do you remember? No, John Goodman did the voice of Frosty in that awful sequel Frosty's Winter Wonderland. I on other hand am the real deal. I'm Jackie Vernon. C'mon, why is so hard to remember my name? I brought joy to millions of little children with my definitive interpretation of every one's favorite magical snowman. Not only did I the original Frosty, but I did a sequel called Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July, in which Rudolph and Frosty (me) join a circus. Frosty also has a snow wife and two snow children in that movie. It's pretty good, just like me, Jackie Vernon.

Are you the one they call Beowulf?

Every time I see the preview for the upcoming movie Beowulf, I want to punch something. Not since Van Helsing has a trailer for a movie filled me with such murderous rage. Every time I hear the line, "Are you the one they call Beowulf?" my face turns red, I begin to foam at the mouth, and then start tearing apart my room. The film looks horrible. The character animation looks creepy, just like Robert Zemeckis' other CGI crapfest The Polar Express. These characters look like mannequins. Their eyes are lifeless, their body gestures are stiff, and their faces convey very little emotion. Though knowing how desperate moviegoers are for entertainment, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if this unwatchable mess grossed over 200 million dollars.
It's sad to know that they are a bunch of "bros" out there who genuinely want to see this film. I could just see them with their Seattle Seahawks jerseys on, watching the TV when the preview comes on and thinking, "Wow, this movie looks bad ass! Go Seahawks!" Then breaking into tears when the Seahawks lose yet another game.
Robert Zemeckis needs to be stopped!

Why are sports writers such idiots?

A few days ago I watched the ESPN show Around the Horn, and one of the topics that came up was whether or not the Packers are the best team in the NFC. If you have not seen Around the Horn it is a show in which four sport writers debate on various sports topics and are awarded points if they can make valid arguments. Any ways, practically all of the sports writers dismissed the Packers mainly because they haven't played any tough teams. Which team did the pick as being the elite NFC team? The New York Giants, which begs the question: What teams have the Giants beaten? Let's see: the Redskins, the Eagles, the Jets, the Falcons, the 49ers, and the Miami Dolphins. Out of all the six teams listed above, only the Redskins having a winning record. Every one has been talking about how much the Giants defense has improved, but has it really improved? Is it really a surprise that the Giants shut down the 49ers and the Dolphins offenses?
These teams don't exactly have great offenses, yet all these sports writers act as if the Giants have beaten the Patriots or the Colts. How can these sports writers say the Packers are not for real because they haven't beaten "any body," yet keep heaping all sorts of praise on the Giants who haven't beaten "any body" either? I hate sports writers. Their way of determining whether a team is good or not is to look at how well the team performed the previous season. Therefore because the Bears made it to the Super Bowl in the previous season, it only stands to reason they are going to be good this season. Where as the Packers were 8-8 last season, therefore there's no way they are going to make the play offs. MORONS! Sports writers know about as much as the average fan, yet they get paid far more for their useless tidbits. OH WELL! I'm just happy to see the Packers are 6 -1, regardless of whether or not they are the best team in the NFC.

Which Jessica do I like more?

It is so hard for me to decide whether I like Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel more, because they are such AMAZING actresses. Did you see Jessica Alba's hilarious turn in the brilliant Dane Cook comedy Good Luck Chuck; her pratfalls were so good that I nearly wet myself with laughter. Tears kept streaming from my eyes, because it's was sooooo funny! But as good as Alba is, she's never done anything quite as profound as Jessica Biel's turn in the 2005 masterpiece Stealth. Biel plays an air force pilot, who's not only sexy, but tough. She is not your typical damsel in distress, no sir, she's a complete hard ass who also looks good in a bikini. And who could forget her immortal line, "Just tell me you love me you pussy."
I sure hope the two Jessicas make a movie together, that would kick ass. They could play smart, independent bikini clad detectives who solve mysteries, while hoping to catch the perfect wave. It would be brilliant. Hell, maybe the third Jessica (Jessica Simpson) could make a guest appearance as a bikini clad mathematician who holds the key to solving the main mystery. Wow, that sounds like a good movie. In could also have a wacky subplot involving skateboarders trying to pick up girls, but wasting most of their energy eating hot dogs. Man, I'm a roll.

GREATEST COMMERCIAL EVER!!!!

A Three part post:

Part I.
Is it OK for an atheist to scream, "OH MY GOD," while having sex? This is an issue which has bothered me for years. If you don't believe in God, why are you calling out his name during fornication? I mean, couldn't you find something else to scream like, "OH YES! OH YES!" Or how about it, "FUCKIN' A! HARDER!" But no, these atheists must always blaspheme the Lord by screaming, "OH MY GOD!" over and over. Darn you atheists, leave my god out of your love making. I know when I'm fucking some random woman on the street, I am not calling out to my God. And I make damn sure she isn't either. After all, you should show respect to the Lord.

Part II.
And while I'm on the subject: Why do women like such shitty music? I mean, what's up with that? Seriously, this one girl I know likes Dave Matthews because in her own words he is, "deep and stuff." Why is he deep? Because he sings boring lyrics while strumming an acoustic guitar? WOW! I guess if you compare Dave Matthews to Justin Timberlake, then he would come off as deep. What's with women and their odd obsession with guys who play acoustic guitars? Every time you see one of the ass clowns at a coffee shop chances are he is surrounded by women who are in awe of his "talent." Then he sings a song about how he was hurt by a previous girlfriend and all the girls are like, "OH POOR GUY! I would never treat him so shabbily." Then he hooks up with some random woman in the crowd and treats her shabbily.

Part III.

I hate musicians! I hate artists! The only good artists are the ones who make low brow fart comedies for the masses and willingly admit that they are doing it all for the money. I respect people who can admit that they are greedy, unlike the true "artists" who don't care about money, but you know are doing it to express themselves, while charging an arm and leg for the public to see their latest unimpressive art exhibit. I can't stand artists!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bears are BACK!!!!

Now that the Bears have benched that no good Rex Grossman, they are bound to win the Super Bowl with the time tested Brian Griese. Unlike Grossman, Griese has lots of NFL experience. He has played on three other teams: The Broncos, Buccaneers, and the Dolphins. Sure, he's never started in the post-season, but that besides the point, unlike Grossman he will not LOSE games for your defense. His mechanics are solid. He's bound to breathe life into this struggling team. Ladies and gentlemen the Bears will be for real...eventually. Then all us Bears fans can relive 1985 all over again.

Incidentally, Brett Favre SUCKS! I don't care if he tied Dan Marino's record for most TD passes or has the most consecutive starts as a QB, he is not Brian Griese. I don't see him breathing life into struggling offense. He didn't play in the Super Bowl last year...oh wait neither did Griese. But the point is Brett Favre is washed up. His Packers may lead our division, but their days are numbered once Griese takes the first snap. I just watched PTI and Tony Kornheiser seems to be excited that Griese is the Bears starting quarterback, if Tony Kornheiser is excited then it's shoe in that the Bears are going to the Super Bowl. After all, last year he called them a team of destiny after their miracle win against the Arizona Cardinals.

Us Bears fans can finally take pride in our team, not that we ever lost it. I mean, we had our doubts, but with Grossman out of the equation their bound to be good again...I think. Maybe.
What?

I wish my girlfriend wasn't imaginary, because she would be so hot. I mean really, she would really make heads turn, but sadly she is just a figment of my imagination and no one can see her but I.
I remember when I first imagined her, it was a bright Sunday morning, the birds were chirping and then I thought to myself, "It would be so awesome to have a girlfriend." And just like that she appeared. It was a magical moment, almost as magical as that one scene in Mission to Mars in which the guy fixes the space ship with a tube of Dr. Pepper. I said, "What's your name?" She said, "I don't know, what do you want my name to be?" I said, "Sally." She said, "OK!" We went on a long walk and I told her all the heroic deeds I performed playing World of Warcraft. I told her how my Elf character Rackstack killed over 300 ogres single handedly. She was impressed. We then made out on a bench. This old couple passing by gave me an odd look, I replied, "Have you forgotten what's like to be in love?" They quickly ran away. Who are they to judge? Who are they? Fuckin' old timers! Why don't the stick to playing Bingo and leave us young lovers alone? Wait, I forgot my girlfriend is imaginary. DAMN IT! At least she's hot imaginary girlfriend. Or so I think? Actually, she's pretty average, but that's OK! She's like the Spider-Man 3 of imaginary girlfriends, not particularly good, but not bad either.
Wait, didn't I begin this post by saying my imaginary girlfriend would so hot if she was real. OOPS! My mistake!

Fighting the infestation was one of many problems, for there were six of us and we only had enough food to last three days at best. How would we survive? It was decided that in order to live one of us would have to die. But who would it be? Joe? Terry? Jim? Walter? Alice? Me? Well, it certainly wasn't me, for I am telling you this story right now. It couldn't be Alice, for she was the only female in the group. That narrows it down to four. Joe was a mechanic, therefore his skills might (and did) come use. Terry was a doctor, therefore he was indispensable. Jim was an alcoholic and Walter was an actor. It was decided one of the two had to go. Jim was a rather fun alcoholic, where as Walter was an annoying Method actor, who constantly repeated to himself, "I am a farmer. I am a farmer." It was decided Walter had to die.
Now how to go about doing it. We told Walter that we desperately wanted him to recite a scene from "Hamlet." He got in the corner, rubbed his temples, and started repeating to himself, "I am Hamlet." Then I crept up behind him and chopped off his head. Of course, after doing so, I learned that the infestation of giant rodents had been defeated, thus making Walter's murder absolutely unnecessary. Then again, no one seemed to care that he was gone.
Walter used to ramble on about how he got rave notices for his portrayal of Will in the high school production of "The Great Easter Egg Hunt." He would ramble about how all the woman fell in love with his sensitive depiction of a love torn intellect caught in a town full of hicks. He also bragged about his ability to improvise, like one time he forgot his line, so after stuttering for a full thirty seconds he came up with this gem, "Have you seen my wallet?" It got a huge applause from the audience or so he said. I later ran into some one who actually saw the play and she said that no one laughed at that line, rather every one in the audience groaned. Which begs the question, what good are actors? Why do they feel there work is so important? Why good are they accomplishing? I could understand acting as a hobby, but as a career? What the hell? Thankfully, Walter could no longer bore us will his long winded soliloquies or horrible slap stick routines. He was as dead as a door nail, just like the greedy Jacob Marley.
Meanwhile, after having successfully survived the giant rat infestation I decided it was time for me to propose to Alice. I popped the question at a Brewers game and she responded by shoving a hot dog in my face and kicking me in the groin. She broke my heart, but all the pain went away after seeing the Brewers destroy the Pirates 12 to 3. It was a great game. Well, great for all the Brewers fans any ways.
I was leaving the stadium in a drunken haze, when I noticed something in the corner of my eye. I looked to my left and ....gasp...saw a giant rat scrounging through the garbage. I realized that this was my moment to shine. I took tip toed to my car, buckled up, turned the ignition key, and slammed my foot on the gas petal. I was going to run the mother fucker down. Unfortunately, I left my car in park and the damn thing realizing what I was up to ran away. I had failed, much like Charlie Brown did when trying to pick a Christmas tree. The only difference is that in the end Charlie Brown didn't really fail after all, and the tree turned out to be a beautiful one once it was shown a little love and caring. On the other hand, no love and caring would make a giant rat beautiful. Or would it?
I bought a huge block of cheese from the local grocery store and proceeded to search the streets for this giant rat. My hope was that he would be lured by the scent of the cheese block and come to me, that way I could show him that I cared for him. Maybe, just maybe that lousy rat would respond to my kindness. All seemed lost, when I heard footsteps. Hark! It was the giant rat. I held out the block of cheese, it slowly came towards me. My hand started to shake. What was it going to do? Would it eat the cheese? Would it eat me? Would it bite off my hand? Well, it didn't eat me? It ate the cheese and my hand. It was about to devour the rest of me, when two gun shots rang out, dropping the rat dead in it's tracks. For it was my ex-girlfriend Alice, she said she had reconsidered and would marry me after all. What a glorious moment in my life. Not only had I successfully helped dispose of the rat, but my girl would marry me after all.
Later on, she left me for a country singer named Bob, but that's another story.

This years Chicago Bears are looking a lot like the 1985 Bears.

I know the past two years us sports writers have been comparing the present day Bears to the 1985 Bears, but this year I'm quite certain they won't let us down. I can't wait for the season to start, that way when the Bears take the field, I can reminisce non-stop about the 1985 Super Bowl champs. When ever the defense puts up impressive numbers I can say, "This is just like the 1985 Bears." Then we can show a clip of Mike Singletary kicking serious ass.
I can't wait to see various clips of The Super Bowl shuffle sprinkled through out the game. Man, this is going to be a fun year. Almost as fun as the 1985 season in which the Bears won the Super Bowl, with that "punky QB known as McMahon." Ha!

Don't worry, I'll fix it in post!

Dude, stop bombarding me with your negativity, this film is going to be alright. Have you not heard of post-production? You can fix anything in post, dude! Look at this action sequence, sure it looks kind of amateurish, but thanks to today's technology I can remove a few frames, speed up the frame and walla, we have a bad ass fight scene. Isn't it awesome!
Bad dialogue? Don't worry, I'll fix it in post.
Flubbed lines? Don't worry, I'll fix it in post.
Overexposed film? Don't worry, I'll fix it in post.
Continuity errors? You know the drill.
You are so negative, you need to have a more positive outlook on life. Oh sweet, look at how cool this shot is. This really going to blow the audience away. Yes, I know the boom mike is in frame, but what have I been telling you for the last ten minutes......we can fix it in post. GEES! Must I be the only voice of reason here? I am an artist after all, therefore I know what is right and what is wrong. And some times wrong can be right and right can be wrong. Do you understand? I thought not. That's why you got an B in Film 101, where as I got an A.
I remember I once made this brilliant movie about a priest masturbating to a picture of the Virgin Mary juxtaposed with a guy drinking a can of Pepsi and the only comment I got was from a Spielberg loving hack who had the nerve to ask, "What is the point?" I told him that art need not have a point and that is all about emotion. Did the film stir you emotionally? He said it put him to sleep. I was offended and walked out of the classroom. But the joke was on him, because in my next film I filmed scene in which a Jurassic Park poster gets bombarded by human feces, while a guy dressed like a nun looks on in disgust.
What does all this have to do with post-production? Well, all my brilliant college films were made in the editing. You see, my rambling has everything to with post-production. Now, c'mon this chicken sex scene won't fix itself! Let's get a move on.

Hey......would you like to.....how you say.......spend the night at my place? I have can of beer we could share and we could ......uhhhhhhhh....watch.....movie on my ten inch, black and white TV.
It will be good time. After movie, we could.......how you say....fuck. You are beauty. You sure you don't want....how you say....spend night at my place. It's BIG!

My vampire movie is going to kick ass!

Hey dude, I'm currently working on this bad ass vampire movie called The Eternalz. I'm not exaggerating in the least when I say it's going to kick ass. In it The Eternalz (due out this Fall) I play a half man-half vampire named Pup, who along with his sexy blonde sidekick Kit, must save the world from a group of fascist vampires. It's pretty fucking awesome. There's this one scene in which Pup (me) takes on four vampires at the same time. I'm not kidding when I say these fight scenes are incredible, they almost rival the fight scenes in my previous film Knife: The Werewolf Slayer (available on DVD August 5). I'll be uploading a teaser trailer for The Eternalz on my website later on this month. I highly recommend you check it out, it will be tight...I mean cool. Who knows maybe a Hollwood exec will see my bad ass movie and sign me to five picture deal. That would rock! I'm an artist, therefore I should be taken seriously. Oh, before I forget the comic book of The Eternalz will be out in mid-September, if you are interested send me a check in the mail and I'll be sure to give you a copy. FAR OUT!

OH NO! The love of my life is leaving me. I better get in my car and chase after her. What will I ever do with out her? I got to get to the airport before her plane takes off. Man, I'm hungry. Hey, there's a McDonald's right off this exit. I have more than enough time to go through drive thru and get myself a delicious Big Mac. I'm quite certain of it. It's settled then, I will quickly get myself a Big Mac and then head down to the airport. My girlfriend will understand.
Wow, there's a long wait at the drive thru. Oh well, it's 2:3o now and her plane doesn't take off until 3:30, I should have plenty of time to get there. I know it. Besides, flights usually run late any ways. Oh boy, I can just taste that delicious Big Mac.
Alright, I am next in line. FINALLY!
Hello.....I would like a Big Mac. Wait, make that a Big Mac extra value meal with a large Coke.
ALL RIGHT!
Here's five dollars, keep the change I'm in a hurry.
SLUUURPPPPPPP! CHOMP! GULP! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM sooooo tasty! I love McDonald's. OH SHIT.........a traffic jam. No big deal, it shouldn't take too long to clear up. I have plenty of time to make it to the airport.
Wow, this is taking forever! When will this fucking traffic jam clear up. What is the fucking hold up? C'mon....my happiness is a stake here. Oh look, there's a Dairy Queen off this exit. Well, since traffic is at a stand still, I think I will go there and get myself a M&M Blizzard. ALL RIGHT!

Will our hero make in time to catch his girlfriend? Will he have enough money for an M&M Blizzard? The answer to these questions is a resounding NO! The End.

This movie is not supposed to be good. IT'S FUN!

Seriously, you need to lighten up. This film isn't trying to be good, it's mindless entertainment that every one can enjoy. Yeah, I know the storyline is kind of stupid...but that's THE POINT! I mean, c'mon it's not like this film is going to win any Oscars or anything, it's just a fun romp for the whole family. OK, maybe not the whole family, but I think you are taking it way too seriously. I mean...IT'S FUN!
Sure, the characters are undeveloped and the effects sequences are over the top, but again this is not supposed to be a serious movie. If you want to watch a serious movie, then rent some crappy independent film and let us fans have our fun. I'm totally looking forward to the sequel, I hope it's darker than the first. This movie is like Matt Hasselbeck in Super XL.....BAD ASS! What you mean the Seahawks lost Super Bowl XL? Don't give me that crap.

I hate fanboys, who make excuses when the big screen adaptation of their favorite book/cartoon/TV show sucks balls. They will make statements like, "It's not supposed to be good." I particularly hate it when they say, "It's not going to win any Oscars or anything, but....." SHUT UP! These morons have such a blind loyalty to the original series a film is based on that they like any crap Hollywood slaps together and throws in theaters.
"OH MY GOD, MY CHILDHOOD IS FINALLY BEING SHOWN ON THE BIG SCREEN. How can I not like a Transformers movie? I mean, it was my favorite cartoon growing up, therefore the movie has GAWT to be good." Then they see the movie and live in state of denial for the next ten years. Rather than admit the movie sucks, they convince themselves that, "it was.........good. I mean it was good for what it was." Then they see their shitty film two more times, just to show the world that they are loyal fans.
I wonder how many jack asses cheered in Transformers when Megatron said, "You have failed me again Starscream." I can just picture all the baseball cap wearing, nacho eating douchebags high fiving each other after hearing that line.
"ALRIGHT BRO! They remained faithful to the cartoon by having Megatron despise Starscream. BAD ASS! Where's my Mountain Dew? I got a Milk Dud in my flip flops."
Meanwhile, a bro's girlfriend who he forced into seeing this pile of dreck is thinking to herself, "Why am I here?" Then when she reaches over to grab a handful of popcorn, the Hasselbeck loving bro says, "Babe, you're blocking the screen. I can't see Optimus Prime in his full glory."
The girlfriend sits back in her seat, fights back her tears, contemplating suicide because death would be far more preferable to watching Transformers for another ten minutes.
OK, maybe I am exaggerating a tad bit. But that's just in my nature.
Meanwhile in the next auditorium a group of Pirates of the Caribbean fans are watching At World's End for the fifth time, still fooling themselves that it gets better with every viewing.
"Jack Sparrow is the Matt Hasselbeck of pirates."
Why this obsession with Matt Hasselbeck you ask? Because he was a complete nothing of a quarterback for like five years and then when the Seahawks finally made it to the Super Bowl
he became, "one of the elite." During the Seahawks Super Bowl run, a whole shitload of Starbucks drinking socialists jumped on the Matt Hasselbeck bandwagon spouting premature dribble like, "He's the best quarterback EVER!" Then the Seahawks lost the Super Bowl and like all Pirates and Transformer fans, the Hasselbeck crowd lived in denial. They couldn't comprehend how their bad ass quarterback lost Super Bowl XL, so they starting making excuses like, "It was the referee's fault." All I know is that the Seahawks lost and Hasselbeck ended their hopes of coming back by throwing a costly interception. BAD ASS!

I remember I was in this same state of denial after seeing Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. After first, I thought to myself, "It wasn't......BAD." Then I said, "Well, it's the first chapter in a saga, therefore it's going to have a lot of shortcomings. I really can't judge it until I've seen all three." Finally, after living in denial for a year I finally came out and admitted that The Phantom Menace sucked. I liked because it had Star Wars in the title, therefore it couldn't possibly be bad. Well, we all know differently know.

Wow, this was quite a rant. Did you get that? I hope you were able to follow it.

OH NO! I'm being consumed by sarcasm. HELP! I can no longer say anything with out being ironic. SHIT! I used to genuinely enjoy life, now I constantly find myself rolling my eyes while making comments like, "That was COOL!" For instance, yesterday my friend told me she went to a Bon Jovi concert and a replied in a typical snooty matter, "That is so awesome. I love Bon Jovi." She of course didn't get the sarcasm and was like, "I know, Bon Jovi kicks ass!" I live with this curse every day of my life. I once woke up from a dream I had and said, "OH! That was realllllly scary. I'm trembling with fear," then I realized I was talking to myself. I went to refrigerator, poured myself a glass of milk and said, "Oh, I LOVE 2% fat milk." Once again, no one was around and yet here I was being snarky. What the hell? That odd thing is that I do like 2% milk, so why did I say it in a sarcastic manner? I think I will watch TV, I LOVE VH1.......DAMN IT!

You know what is sidesplittingly hilarious? When women break into a drunken rendition of "Baby Got Back." It just never gets old, no matter how many times you hear it. It's something I look forward to every time I go out drinking. I'll be sitting at a bar, thinking to myself, "I sure hope a drunken female sings the Sir Mix-A-Lot classic. My life will not be complete with out it." Their sense of irony is hilarious. Get it? Cause "Baby Got Back" is sexist song that treats women as sex objects, hence it is hilarious when a woman sings it, because she's making a statement. It's brilliant social commentary disguised as mindless entertainment. It's like Transformers, only nine and a half times better. It's like Shrek 3, only with out the ulgy ogre. It's like Peyton Manning, utterly infallible. I could make more analogies, but that would take forever.

You know what makes their rendition of "Baby Got Back" even better? When the drunken women start shaking their asses, while singing the song. They are being doubly ironic. Yes, they are mockingly putting their bodies up for display. They are challenging the status quo. They are saying, "Yeah, here's my body. Enjoy it if you will, but there's more to me than just a nice ass." GENIUS! I can't tell you how many men have changed their perspectives on women after seeing a drunken, hot chick er I mean an intelligent, young lady singing "Baby Got Back" at a bar. At first they see the lovely lass as an object, but then as the song progresses they start thinking, "HMMMMMM! Maybe there's more to this babe than just a nice face!" By the end of the song, they have converted to being full fledged feminists.

That's not nice, you're so mean.

I can't believe you did that. How could you treat a fellow human being so horribly? That wasn't nice at all, you're such a mean person. I never thought a person could stoop so low, but you have jut proven me wrong. That's not nice, you're so mean. Have you told Taylor yet? You at least owe him an explanation. Man, you truly are a mean person. What happened to you? You used to be such a sweet, loving person, now you seem to take delight in other people's suffering. That's not nice, you're so mean.

This is post is my lame attempt at writing soap opera dialogue. I hope you have enjoyed it!

The Dumbest Quote I Have Ever Read!

A few months ago I did on a post on the 10 Dumbest Quotes I have ever read/heard, well I recently came across a quote on IMDB that is without a doubt the stupidest thing I have ever read.
This quote comes off the Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End message board, a Pirates hater started a thread entitled "Not breaking $300 Million." In response a Pirates fan wrote:

Besides, all this talk about AWE not making it to $300 Million domestically & being such a huge disappointment will only drive all of us who loved this movie to see it a few more times through out the summer just to help it gross over $300 + Million easily! Savvy!

What makes this quote so idiotic is how the poster makes it seem like At World's End is a lost cause worth fighting for. He/she makes it sound like this huge budgeted, over blown piece of crap is some how an under dog in need of our help. Forget all the charities that help the sick, the poor, and victims of natural disasters, it is far more important that At World's End breaks $300 Million domestically or else everything as we know it will come to a cataclysmic end. Johnny Depp must get paid!!!! And Orlando Bloom! What's to become of him if At World's End doesn't break the $300 Million mark? The horror of it all!
Well fanboys need not worry, At World's End has undeservedly passed the $300 Million mark. The world is a safe place to live in again.

How to write a shitty horror film:

1. Cast an incredibly hot actress in the lead role. She doesn't have to be a good actress, just hot.
2. Cast incredibly hot actresses in supporting roles. They don't have to be great actresses, just hot.
3. Make sure there is lots of pointless nudity.
4. Torture the hot actresses. Make the film as gory as possible. It may not be scary, but it should induce vomiting. After all, horror films are no longer about being scary, just being disgusting.
5. The killer must be faceless. It is important that he remain faceless the entire film, just so when his identity is revealed at the film's end, audiences will be shocked.
6. Finally, slap on a nonsensical twist ending, just so you can fool audiences into thinking they were watching a complex, intelligent thriller.
7. If possible, try to leave it open for a sequel. Americans love sequels!

Transformers has an 8.2 rating on IMDB.

What further proof to you need that people have lowered their standards so much that when a film simply doesn't suck, it's prematurely labeled a classic? It was bad enough when every one thought the Pirates films were the second coming of cinema, but now we have people who think Transformers is a great film, simply because it's not as bad as they expected it to be.
I can just imagine the conversation people have while exiting the movie theatre:

Dude: Wow, that movie was pretty good.
Bro: Yeah, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be.
Dude: I know, the special effects were pretty bad ass.
Bro: Dude, I'm totally going to buy it when it comes out DVD.
Dude: Me too! I bet it will have kick ass special features, bro!

Then when Transformers does come out on DVD, Dude and Bro will go to Best Buy on Tuesday, buy the damn DVD, and put it on their shelves where it will collect dust for the next five years.
The fact is Transformers is your typical, forgetable summer blockbuster that every one sees opening weekend and then forgets about on Monday. That's why it annoys me to see all these damn fanboys saying things like, "BEST MOVIE OF THE SUMMER!" and, "BEST MOVIE EVER!" I have no qualms it you actually enjoyed this atrocity, just stop pretending its a classic.
I'm sure its rating on IMDB will plummet big time, but it just sad that it's gotten such undeserving praise by so many people. Then again, the IMDB community only represents about 10% of actual movie goers, so their opinion is not necessarily that of the people, at least I hope not.

Why can't people ever shut up?

Last night, my friend Peter and I took a bus down to Summerfest, and for some reason every one on the bus decided that they had to be as loud as humanly possible. The whole back section was clapping their hands and singing songs like "Tubthumper," while a couple of annoying teenaged girls kept screaming everytime the bus came to a sudden stop or made a sudden turn. I was convinced that I had died and gone to hell. After last night, my hatred for humanity has shot up another 350%.

Another damn AFI top 100 list!

The AFI did yet another 100 film list, rather than type out their selections, I have decided to provide a link instead.
2007 AFI list of top 100 movies - USATODAY.com
I have mixed feelings about this list; I was over joyed to see that the Buster Keaton film The General was number 18 on the list, considering that it was overlooked on the 1998 list. Plus, I was ultra-happy to see that the grossly over-rated film The Graduate was no longer in the top 10 (thought it still remains in the top 20, which is way too high).
On the other hand, a lot of the films on the original list got dropped in favor of such fare like The Sixth Sense, The Shawshank Redemption, Titanic, Saving Private Ryan, etc. I can't believe classics like Patton, Stagecoach, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, The Third Man, From Here to Eternity, and The Manchurian Candidate were taken off the list in favor of these films. I was happy to see: A Place in the Sun, The Jazz Singer, Dances With Wolves, Guess Who's Coming To Dinner, An American in Paris, and Rebel Without a Cause taken off the list, because frankly none of them have aged very well.
Hopefully if the AFI does another list in ten years they will have the decency to vote off Forrest Gump, Rocky, Sound of Music, Sophie's Choice, West Side Story, Saving Private Ryan, The Sixth Sense, The Graduate, and other undeserving fare.
And finally, why is Citizen Kane always number one? I like Citizen Kane, it's a great movie and definitely deserves to be ranked high on a top 100 list, but can't the members of the AFI just for once give the number one slot to a different film. Why not Encino Man? Or Teen Wolf? Anything other than Citizen Kane.

What the next Indiana Jones film should be about!

Now that Indiana Jones 4 has officially gone into production, I have decided to waste my time by presenting to you my treatment of the story. Yeah, I know it will never get made, but I really have nothing better to do, so with out further ado, here is my idea for the next Indiana Jones film:

An elderly Indiana Jones sits down at the kitchen table and is about to pour himself a delicious bowl of Wheaties. He grabs the box of Wheaties and is stunned to find that it is empty. NO WHEATIES! What ever shall he do? Without haste he grabs his car keys, jumps in the car, and heads to the local Grocery Store.
He parks in his car in the parking lot, gets out and slowly but surely walks towards the grocery store. He grabs a cart, just in case he needs more food items, and makes his way to the cereal aisle. He reaches finally reaches the aisle, when to his utter shock and amazement he sees an elderly Nazi grabbing the last box of Wheaties.
"STOP!" shouts Indy.
"Vhat?" says the Nazi.
"That's my box of Wheaties."
"No, it's mine!"
"Not any more."
Indy take out his whip, swings it over his head, and lassos it around the box of Wheaties. With all his might he pulls the box of Wheaties out of the evil Nazi's hand and takes off running.
"Come back here!" shouts the Nazi.
"No, you come back here!" says Indy, laughing at his nonsensical comment.
"You vill pay!" shouts the Nazi.
The Nazi spots a shopping cart and pushes it in Indy's direction. Indy turns around, sees the cart coming and increases his speed. It looks like he's home free, when he slips on the wet floor and falls on his back. The force of the impact causes the box of Wheaties to fly out his hand and into the arms of the Nazi. The shopping cart is about to run over Indy, he quickly rolls out of it's path.
"The VHEATIES ARE MINE DR. JONES!" says the Nazi in a triumphant voice. He's about to walk to the check out lane, when he spots free samples of cheese. He takes a sample from the tray, puts it in his mouth and is pleased. Just then he feels a tap on his shoulder, it is an extremely pissed off Indiana Jones. He punches the Nazi in the face, which sends the Nazi flying into a cart filled with tomatoes. Indiana takes the box of Wheaties from the comatose Nazi and heads to the check out lane. He has triumphed. So ends this installment of Indiana Jones.

Let's see Knocked Up

C'mon we got to see Knocked Up, it has been getting good word of mouth, therefore we MUST see it. It's got an 8.3 on IMDB. I don't want to be the odd man out. I just got to know what every one is laughing about. It can't possibly be bad; I mean it's from the guy who made The 40 Year-Old Virgin and that movie was pretty......good...it wasn't hysterically funny but it was........amusing. My friend Todd saw it and he said he loved it and you know how Todd is never wrong about anything. Can we please see it? If we go, I'll buy you a tray of pretzel bites. You know you love pretzel bites! It will be bad ass, even more bad ass than Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. What do you say? I'll even sit through Shrek 3 again if you promise to see Knocked Up with me. C'mon, I don't want to see it alone, I'll look like a freak.

I recently wasted a few minutes reading over the Paris Hilton message boards on IMDB and have come to two different conclusions:

1. Paris Hilton is a saint, who doesn't deserve the treatment she is getting.
2. Paris Hilton is a no talent whore, who didn't get nearly what she deserved.

Here is question: Why do people like Paris Hilton? I usually try to see the good in every thing; lord knows I tried to see the good in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, but that proved to be impossible, but Paris Hilton, there is absolutely nothing there. Her Pirates loving, MTV watching fans make it seem like Paris got a raw deal, when in actuality she is SOLELY responsible for all the misfortunes that has befallen her. She has no one to blame but herself, but her fans would rather believe that there is a conspiracy to bring down Paris Hilton, rather than accept the obvious.
Just think in a couple of years...hell maybe even months...there is going to be a crappy made for TV Paris Hilton movie about her irresponsible way of living, her downfall, her time in prison, and her redemption. The final scene would see a teary eyed Paris vowing to do good in the world, followed by a freeze frame of her high fiving Zack Morris after having saved the animals from the evil oil corporation. Mark my word this will happen.
In fact, why am I writing about this, when I could be selling this idea to a studio. GENIUS!

This theatre doesn't have THX?

Dude, what's up with that? How could this theatre not have THX sound? I only see movies that have THX, because the sound quality is so much better. What do you mean THX is not a sound system? What do you mean its a certification? That's bullshit! You guys are trying to steal my hard earned money by feeding me false information. You guys are worse than the Gestapo. I remember when I saw Austin Powers: Goldmember in theatre and when the THX logo came up, my friends and I applauded, because we KNEW the sound was going to be top notch. I'm never coming to this theatre again, not until you guys straighten up your act and get THX sound.

You're not going to the midnight showing of Pirates!


I can't believe you are not going to the midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean : At World's End, it's totally the in thing to do. I bought my tickets when they first went on sale; I dare not miss this event. Granted I didn't really like Dead Man's Chest all that much, but that isn't going to prevent me from going to the midnight showing of At World's End....I mean....every one's going to be there, except you. I can't believe you have no interest in going. What's wrong with you? While I'm going to be having a delightful time with my friends and co-workers, you'll be tossing and turning in your bed, tormented over the fact that you didn't go to the midnight showing. I thought you were cool, but I'm beginning to have my doubts. You honestly don't want to see Johnny Depp spout out random one liners, while doing battle with Captain Barbossa? Sure, it was done to death in the first Pirates, but this is the third installment, which means it will be bigger and far more bad ass. I'm just dying to know who Elizabeth is going to choose in the end: Jack Sparrow or Will Turner. Doesn't that make you curious in the least bit? It doesn't! You suck! You're just cynical, I don't know if I want to be your friend any more. Goodbye!

Why Batman Forever is the best Batman movie EVER!


When people talk about the Batman movies, they usually make the absurd claim that Tim Burton's travesty is the best of all the Batman adaptations. This is blasphemy, for any true fan of Batman will tell you that Joel Schumachers 1995 masterpiece Batman Forever is far and away the best Batman movie EVER!
Do any of the dreadful Tim Burton films feature a scene with a whiny security guard and boiling acid? I think not!
Did the Christopher Nolan debacle have a scene in which Batman fights a street gang who cover their faces in neon paint? NOPE!
Where were the bat nipples in the Burton and Nolan films? Schumacher's contribution to the series will be praised for years to come, where as the Burton and Nolan films will be completely forgotten.
Where were the funny one liners in Batman, Batman Returns, and Batman Begins? The opening of Batman Forever has one of the funniest exchanges in movie history:

Alfred: Might I persuade you to take a sandwich?
Batman: I'll get drive thru!

That is soooo funny! I remember I wet myself in the theatre after hearing this exchange. It's very Jack Sparrowesque in it's delivery and I love Jack Sparrow. Haw Haw! Other great lines include:

Prostitute: That's not Batman, that's more like Batboy.
Robin: I forgot my suit.

Batman: The circus must be halfway to Metropolis by now. (Get it, because Metropolis is the home of Superman.)

Riddler: Surf's up Big Kahuna! (Jim Carrey is a true delight in this movie.)

Then there's the brilliant commentary about how television is dumbing down America. In the film the Riddler invents a device that steals peoples thoughts while they are watching television. It's amazing how much depth Batman Forever truly has as opposed to the other films in the franchise. Therefore, I urge you all to throw away your copies of Batman, Batman Returns, and Batman Begins, blow the dust off your copy of Batman Forever and pop in your DVD player, you will not be sorry!

PASSES!

ALLRIGHT! My movie is out of focus, that means my bros and I will get passes! I love when things go wrong at the movie theatre, cause then I can complain and get movie passes from the management. Some times if I'm lucky I will get two passes, like the time my bros and I went to see The Mummy Returns. I remember the light bulb on the projector burned out and some dorky usher came in and told us we were going to be given passes; my bros and I started to chant "TWO! TWO! TWO!" The rest of the audience took our lead and we were given two passes! It was killer!
HEY, WHERE'S OUR PASSES? I want PASSES! What do you mean we're not getting any passes? The movie was out of focus for like FIFTEEN MINUTES! I mean c'mon, we deserved to be compensated for having to sit through this travesty. What lousy customer service! You just lost yourself a customer. C'mon bros, lets go to a bar and pick up some babes.

(Editors Note: The dude and his bros were unsuccessful in their attempt to pick up babes. They went back to theatre the following day to see Spider-Man 3. They complained that the sound system was all wrong and demanded passes for the inconvenience; they were not successful.)

This Cousin's Sub is delicious!
Yes, how I love my Cousin's Sub, if I could I would marry it. What's the sound? Who's there? Is that you Bartolemay? Bartolemy? Where are you hiding? If that you's Bartolemay, come on out and show yourself. No...you can't have my Cousin's sub. It's mine! Leave me alone! Where are you? Come on out and face me like a man or at least face me like a woman! Huh! Where's my Cousin's sub! CURSE YOU BARTOLEMAY! AHHHHHHH...there you are Bartolemay!

I just bought Eragon on DVD!

Does that make me cool or what? Eragon is such an original idea for a movie. I never read the books, but from what I heard they totally kick ass. I bought the special edition of Eragon, which means that not only do I get a director's commentary, but a couple of "Making Of" featurettes as well. I really need to know how the made Sapphira the dragon look so realistic. Special Edition DVDs kick ass! I still have to watch all the special features on my Extended edition of Lord of the Rings, but I'm sure they are awesome. How can they not be? I can't own a DVD that doesn't have special features. Where's the fun in that? I really wish the would release a two disc Special Edition of Encino Man, that would rock. I could feature commentary by Les Mayfield, Pauly Shore, Sean Astin, and Brendan Fraser. Hopefully, Criterion will read my blog and release it soon. Did I mention I bought Eragon on DVD! Did you know that Stan Lee created Spider-Man?

The 10 Dumbest quotes I have ever read/heard.

1. "I give Van Helsing three Fs for fun fuckin' film." - JoBlo.com in his review for the dreadful pile of shit Van Helsing.

2. "And kudos to Stephen Sommers for those creepy credits at the end." - Once again from the JoBlo review of Van Helsing.

3. "I told you I was a Jinx." - Halle Berry from the awful James Bond film Die Another Day.

4. "You can really feel the tension when the shoulder shifts halfway through the film." - A liberal minded college TA talking about an experimental film that is a five minute shot of a shoulder. The film is conveniently called Shoulder.

5. "I shouldn't have to write papers, I'm an artist." - A UWM film student bitching about how unfair it is that a genius like him should have to waste his time and energy on writing term papers.

6. "I like Star Wars because it is independent." - A UWM student writing about why he likes Star Wars, because as well all know if a film is independent it is automatically good.

7. "Homer's a good captain." - A nameless dumbass, talking about how he feels Homer Simpson would have been a good sea captain.

8. "I'm a liberal and an atheist!" - A smug college student, who some how feels she is so unique for being a liberal and an atheist. If I ever meet a liberal that isn't an atheist I would be impressed.

9. "I think we're seeing a movie." - a nameless blonde who made this comment while entering a movie theatre. Do you think?

10. "With out her braces, her boobs look a lot bigger." - Nameless manager at ol' North Shore cinema before it went to hell.

I'm sooooo psyched for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End.

OH MY GOD, only three and a half weeks until Pirates of the Caribben: At World's End comes out, I am so excited. I just can't wait to see what wacky adventures Jack Sparrow gets himself into this time. Johnny Depp is soooo HAWT! I sure hope him and Keira Knightley hook up in this movie, I mean as hot as Orlando Bloom may be, he is not Johnny Depp....er... I mean Jack Sparrow. I can't wait to see what role Captain Barbossa will play in this movie. I was shocked...shocked I say, when he appeared at the very end of Dead Men's Chest with that hilarious monkey on his shoulder and that apple in his hand. I was sooo delighted to see him that I applauded. I wonder if he's going to be a good guy in At World's End or return to his villainous ways? Delightful! Not since the Lord of the Rings trilogy has a film franchise made me so horny. I remember I had to control my masturbatory urges when Jack Sparrow made his entrance in Dead Man's Chest. It reminded me of the time in The Two Towers when Legolas surfed down the steps at Helm' s Deep on a shield, while firing arrows at the enemy. That moment kicked ass! Damn, I now have a stronge urge for some Burger King. I think I hear my glow in the dark Lord of the Rings glass goblet calling out to me. It's saying, "Fill me with Dr. Pepper!" Don't worry my faithful goblet you are not to behold, you are to be held. Haw Haw! That commercial was delightful. Where was I again?
As for Spider-Man 3, that movie looks gay. Tobey Maguire is simply not hot. The Spider-Man trilogy would have been so much better had Johnny Depp played the title role. Just imagine all the delightful antics and adlibs Johnny Depp would have come up with had he played Peter Parker. They also should have cast Orlando Bloom as Harry Osborne and Keira Knightley as Mary Jane Watson. That would be bad ass, just like Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. All I know is that come May 25th, I will be the first in line to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

OH MY GOD......Shrek 3 is coming out May 18. Oh this going to be a great May. The Shrek films are so delightful, especially when they throw in random pop-culture references, top 10 hit songs, and fart jokes. I totally loved how in the first Shrek they used the much loved Smash Mouth song "All Star" on the soundtrack when Shrek is getting ready for the day. I laughed so hard. OMG! However, I must confess that as good as the Shrek films are, they would have been so much better had Johnny Depp done the voice for the lead role. I love Johnny Depp. I wish he would dump that bitch of a wife and marry me. Johnny, if you're out there, I'm waiting for you. LOL! LMAO! ROFL! WTF! JEOMK!

I miss you, man.

Seriously, work is not the same with out you. I mean.......it was sooo much fun when you worked here and now it's just boring. I tell you man, I've missed you and so has every one else. I know it's sounds superficial, but I sincerely mean it..I miss you. I know I have your number and I could call you any time I want, but man.....my life is kinda busy. Don't think for a second that just because I don't call you, or for that matter e-mail you, that I don't miss you! I do. One of these days we need to get together and see a movie or something. Maybe, we can go out to a bar and reminisce about the old days. I remember that one time in which we went out drinking and went streaking....oh wait...you weren't there. I know, how about that one time in which we...ohhhh..wait you weren't there either. Now that I think about it, did we ever hang out? Well, regardless it's nice to see you man. We should definitely do something one of these days. I'll be sure to give you a call.

I resent this film not being in color.

This movie isn't in color, I resent that. I can not stand black and white, it's not as pleasing to look at as color. Yesterday, I rented Psycho (not the awesome remake with my favorite badass Vince Vaughn), but the Alfred Hitchcock version, after having heard how good is was from my friend Ted. I popped in the DVD and was horrified to see that was in black and white. I immediately popped out the DVD and put in a copy of the Vince Vaughn version. I then called up Ted and screamed him out for half hour. How dare he recommend a black and white movie to me? I told him I never want to hear from him again and hung up the phone. It was pretty bad ass, just like Vince Vaughn. I sure hope they make a sequel to Dodgeball, that movie was HI-larious. In fact, they should make a sequel to both Dodgeball and Wedding Crashers, it could be called Wedding Ball. What was I talking about again? Oh yes, I hate black and whites movies.

Why are you always making fun of my height?

Stop laughing! I'm not that short. Sure, you maybe a female and a few inches taller than me, but that is no reason for you to be laughing. You always make fun of my height. Look, I can't help it if I'm shorter than you, I was born that way. Either you accept that or find a new boyfriend. I don't appreciate it when you hold your hand to my head to prevent me from kissing you. I can't stand it when you take my shoes and throw them on top of the refrigerator. It's not funny. Sure, maybe it was humorous the first five times you did it, but it gets old after awhile. For crying out loud, I'm not even that short! I'm 5'6". You're only like three inches taller than me. Besides, throwing my shoes on top of the refrigerator is pretty futile, because I'm tall enough to reach them. Why do you persist in tormenting me? This is my final warning, one more comment about my height and I'm gone. I'm serious! STOP LAUGHING! That does it! I'm leaving! Goodbye! You're so immature. I hate you.

The Caveman I found in my backyard is making my life a living hell.

Man, my life sucks! The girl I'm love with doesn't know I'm alive. The school bully stapled me to a wall and worst of all, the caveman I found frozen in my backyard is making my life a living hell.
When I first found him I thought this would make me the most popular guy at school. I thought the girl I loved would finally notice me and beg me to take her to prom. I thought my time had finally come. Then the unthinkable happened, the caveman awoke from his hybernated state and wrecked havoc in my house. My friend Stoney and I tamed him, made him over, passed him off as an exchange student, and named him Link. Things were going smooth at first, I caught my dreamgirl making out with Link. In fact, making out is putting it mildly, he was screwing her brains out. Yet again, I have to take backseat to a brainless, brawny brute. Damn it! Why? Why? This sucks! I can't stand it any more. I think I'll commit suicide. Maybe then the girl I love will finally notice me. She'll be sorry! She'll regret not having watched the Extended edition of Return of the King with me. She will look back on the time I asked her to attend the WWE tournament with me and wished she would have said yes. WWE ROCKS! Oh, it's on right now....I'll put off my suicide until tomorrow. John Cena here I come.
LINK! DAMN IT LINK, YOU BROKE THE TELEVISION. YOU TOTALLY DON'T RULE!
Where's my John Cena action figure? What's with that look? Link? Link? Did you eat my John Cena action figure? Damn it!

TV sucks!

Why does TV suck so much? It used to be there was a few watchable shows on television, now there are none. About the only thing worth watching is Telemundo, because of all the hilarious Spanish soap operas, and that's only entertaining because you have no idea what they are saying (unless you speak Spanish). I'm sure if I did understand what they were saying on all those funny Spanish soap operas I would want to shoot myself. OH SIGH! Oh well, on the bright side at least I own I shit load of videos and DVDs so I don't have to watch television. In fact, who needs TV any ways, it's nothing but mediocre shows constantly being interrupted by annoying commercials. The worst commercial of all time is that one with Jessica Simpson in which she talks about acne. Last thing I need to see is some talentless blonde talking about how horrible her acne used to be and how it got better thanks to some overpriced product that has serious side effects.
"Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, internal bleeding, depression, and premature death. ORDER NOW!"
Of course I'm sure some one will say, "Goggins there are plenty of good shows on television, you just need to lighten up." To this I say, "Shut up!" It is not in my nature to lighten up. What's the point? Why put a smile on your face when you know eventually something is going to kick you in the nuts and wipe it away? Life is pain. I think I will sit in the dark for two hours and write some poetry about how futile life is. Yeah. I'm deep, cause I'm a tormented soul.

I lost my pet cat and now I am alone.

My pet cat Timothy ran away and now I am so alone. Why did Timothy run away? Why? I fed him every day. I changed his litter box when it needed changing. I bought him all sorts of toys and played with him all the time, but alas he is left and I am alone. BOO HOO! Timothy please come back! OH PLEASE! I will give you all the love I can spare and more. I will give you an extra dinner every night, if you come back soon. OH TIMOTHY, you are my one and only friend, don't leave me. Don't leave me! BOO HOO! WHINE! WHINE! WAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

And the killer is..........

I have pieced together every possible clue and have determined that the killer is none other than.............

Find out next year!

Movies that need to be remade.

1. Citizen Kane: It always on every serious film critics top 100 list, but let's be honest Citizen Kane is simply not a good movie. It's in desperate need of a remake. Imagine how cool this movie would be if Hayden Christianson played Charles Foster Kane and if the film was shot entirely in front of a green screen. It would totally kick ass! Natalie Portman could co-star as Kane's neglected wife Susan, who becomes a stripper because he isn't paying enough attention to her. It would totally blow away the outdated original.

2. Casablanca: The original is good, but c'mon Humphrey Bogart is ugly. I mean it is totally improbable that any gorgeous woman would fall for such an unnattractive man. Therefore, I insist that Hayden Christianson should play Rick. Just imagine how cool it would be to see Anna...I mean Hayden Christianson deliver the famous line, "The problems of three people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world." It would definitely improve upon Bogart's rather unemotional line delivery.

3. Dr. Strangelove: This movie isn't funny at all. What it needs is a comic genius like Will Ferrell in the the three roles Peter Sellers played in the original. Ferrell is infinitely funnier than Peter Sellers, who's only slightly good movie was The Fiendish Plot of Fu Manchu. Ferrell could bring much needed humor to a grim story by flailing his arms about and doing all sorts of wacky sight gags like running buck naked through the war room. It would be brilliant, much like Ferrell's beloved comedy A Night at the Roxbury.

4. Duck Soup: This movie is OK for an old comedy, but just think what Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Owen Wilson could do with this kind of material. They would turn a rather non-sensical film into inspired lunacy. Not to mention Will Ferrell and Luke Wilson could turn in hilarious cameos. It would be a must see.

5. Rosemary's Baby: Where's the horror in this movie? I mean, seriously there's no monsters, no effects, it's just two and a half hours of some average looking chick freaking out over the littlest of things. This film would be so much better if it starred Jennifer Love Hewitt in the title role and had a whole gaggle of CGI demons jumping out from every corner imaginable. Not to mention there could be hot shower scene in which Hewitt keeps hearing things, but continues showering nonetheless. It would co-star Paris Hilton as Hewitt's sexy neighbor who mysteriously vanishes one night. GENIUS!

The Five Most Annoying Directors of All Time.

5) M. Night Shyamalan:
M. Night Shyamalan started out as a promising director, but then he started to take himself too seriously as a filmmaker. The success of The Sixth Sense convinced him that he was a genius and from then on his films got progressively worse. The Village was not only a dull piece of filmmaking, it was also a lame attempt at making a parable out of an obvious twist ending. When ever any one criticizes his movies, Shyamalan blasts back that they simply didn't understand his vision. Here's a question for all you M. Night apologists out there: if his name wasn't on the credits would you have genuinely liked his last three films (Signs, The Village, Lady in the Water)? Of course not! You would have seen them for the piece of junk they truly are. If The Village is truly a profound piece of cinema, then the equally asinine The Brain That Wouldn't Die must also be a deep movie experience, for its about the dangers of science.

4) George Lucas:
It's amazing how a man who has revolutionized filmmaking has absolutely no originality left in him. Instead of moving onto his next film project, Lucas constantly has to find new ways to rape and whore out the Star Wars universe. First, he came out with the Special Editions, which had "improved" effects and additional scenes that didn't contribute to the story what so ever. Then he made the prequels, which ruined the character of Darth Vader. The very notion that Darth Vader was Hayden Christianson in his youth makes him seem less like a badass and more like a whiney, little bitch who turned to evil because he wasn't given what he wanted for his birthday.
In the hands of George Lucas a mythological story turns into a standard drama on the WB.

3) Nora Ephron:
Nora Ephron is the writer/director of many unwatchable romantic comedies. Her characters constantly whine about how no one loves them, only to find in love in the end. How original! How delightful! I'm so glad we have filmmakers turning out unused screenplays written in the silent era. Her most unexcusable film was Bewitched, in which Will Ferrell does many Jim Carrey-like antics to win the affections of Nicole Kidman. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that Nicole Kidman talks in a high pitched voice for the entire running length of the film. For some reason unknown to the audience Kidman falls in love with Ferrell's self-centered character and no one is moved by the experience.

2) Ron Howard:
Ron Howard is the least talented director to ever win an Oscar for directing. His only contribution to cinema is that he makes bland movies that do huge at the box office one week, but are forgotten about the next. A Beautiful Mind takes what could have been a compelling biography and turns into crowd pleasing, awe-inspiring fluff. The Missing was a lame re-working of The Searchers, and Apollo 13 was good mainly due to its effects and the fact that it was inspired by a real life story. The only good thing to say about Ron Howard is that he is not Kevin Smith.

1) Kevin Smith:
Here's my impersonation of Kevin Smith directing a movie, "In this scene I want you to stand in front of his brick wall and READ my dialogue. Don't say it, READ IT. Make it as unnatural sounding as humanly possible." That is Kevin Smith in a nutshell. Not only are his films are uninteresting to look at, but his characters are one dimensional and get boring after awhile. Jay saying, "fuck this shit," gets rather old after the 30th time. The most annoying aspect of his films is how he constantly has to reference his own work. I have not seen Clerks II, but I'm willing to bet there are a least a dozen references to his previous films, that no one but his devoted fanbase will find funny.

Who needs critics, when I have my family.

Critics hate my movies, but I didn't make movies for critics, I made them for an audience. Besides, I know I'm a good filmmaker, my mommy said I was. I showed her my last movie and she was like, "That's pretty good dear." She then gave me a plate of cookies and nice glass of milk to wash them down with. Critics are stupid, let's see them make a movie. I remember their reviews for Van Helsing and was baffled at how they could possibly hate such a great movie. I mean...Hugh Jackman is a bad ass and Kate Beckinsale is HAWT, therefore how could it possibly be bad. It just goes to show you what critics know. The only kind of films they like are ones with unattractive people that no one sees like About Schmidt. There were not hotties in that film, nor unnecessary violence and gore. Oh......and kudos to Stephen Sommers for those creepy credits at the end of Van Helsing.

I'm going to challenge the Hollywood system by making non-narrative experimental films. Yes, once Hollywood sees my movies they will tremble in fear and their precious caplitalistic system will collapse thanks to my pure art. Once they see my two hour epic entitled Cell Phone, they will panic and be like, "OH NO! WE CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT!"
Cell Phone is my critique on mankind's obsession with his status symbol; it has no actors, but rather is just one long close up of a cell phone, while heaving breathing is heard on the soundtrack. I screened it at the UW-Milwaukee film festival and it was greeted with heavy applause. I became a minor celebrity on the campus and women were begging to give me a blow job. I was like, "Ladies, I did not make this film for myself, I made it for you." Then they treated me to a blow job. It was pretty awesome.
My next film project is entitled Keyboard, in which a hand types on a keyboard for three hours. It will be my masterpiece.
Look out Hollywood a new kind of film is headed your way and you are helpless to stop it.

Cartwright Jones is the greatest American actor of all time.

If you have not heard of Cartwright Jones then I pity you for he is without a doubt the greatest American actor of all time. He's not known for his stage roles, rather for his real life contribution to the war effort during World War II, in which he impersonated a general to confuse the Nazis. By all accounts he gave the performance of a life time. What's even more inspiring is that he was rescued from the Nazis by Clint Eastwood and Richard Burton. They made quite a team.

He's drinking from a blue bottle!

OH MY GOD! That guy is drinking from a blue bottle. If you recall the man who raped my friend Tami was drinking from a blue bottle of beer the night it happened and here is standing in front of me. And who should this mystery man turn out to be? My friend Sylvia's boyfriend. I can't believe it. How could he possibly do such a horrendous thing? I was wondering why Tami wouldn't make eye contact with the guy when we stopped by at his apartment to say hi. But when I saw the blue bottle I knew why she was so hesitant to walk in his apartment. Terrible. This broke poor Sylvia's heart to know that her boyfriend was a drunken rapist. Poor Tami, when the jackass approach her, she panicked, ran down the stairs, lost her footing and lost her baby in the process. It would have been such a lovely baby, even if it was unwanted. If one thing positive came from this experience is that it made Tami, Sylvia and I closer. WOW!

Possibly the funniest fake headline I've ever read:





















The Onion kicks ass!

Henry Higgins is the greatest character EVER!!!!

I watched the movie My Fair Lady yesterday and realized that Henry Higgins is the greatest character of all time. Why? Because he's such a mean-spirited prick. He treats every one around him like crap, while they constantly kiss his ass. It's awesome. The only sad thing about Henry Higgins is that he kind of goes soft at the end. Why do self-centered pricks in movies have a change of heart? Seriously, Ebenezer Scrooge was such an awesome character, then those friggin' ghosts had to show him how "wrong" he was and then he became a nice guy. While Henry Higgins doesn't necessarily become a nice guy at the end of My Fair Lady, he does allow himself to become attached to a woman. DAMN HAPPY ENDINGS! Why can't all films end with every one being miserable? Or at least being happy in their self centered world? Let's face it, why open up to people when they are bound to disappoint you one way or another? Henry Higgins had it correct, but then the writers decided he must have a change of heart. OH WELL!

This movie is so bad that it's good. I know because I've seen so many films that I know when a film is bad, and when it is good, and when it is so bad that it is good. This movie is so bad that it is good. Ha! Don't you love my intellect? I know everything about movies, because I've watched so many. I've also seen a few Academy Awards ceremonies, therefore I know what quality filmmaking is. This is definitely not quality filmmaking as the cinematography is not beautiful. The acting is atrocious and the direction is flat. It's not nearly as good as that other movie I saw, in which the cinematography was beautiful, even though it was a war film. If a film has bad cinematography it is automatically bad. I know what good cinematography is as I have watched lots of movies with good cinematography. I know what good acting is, because I have seen many Oscar winning performances in movies. I know everything, because I have seen everything.


I hate wannabe film critics, people who spend to much time watching movies that they automatically think that makes them qualified to criticize films. Granted, every one is a critic in some form or another, but most people don't pretend to know about the technical aspects filmmaking. The reason most filmgoers hate a movie is they didn't connect with the characters or story. Where as the wannabe film critics tries to find fault in the technical aspects of filmmaking, such as the editing, lighting, cinematography, etc. Therefore in their smug minds if a film has a bad lighting, it must be a bad movie. Or if the cinematography isn't breathtaking, they don't feel it is worth watching. Therefore a movie like Carnival of Souls would be an atrocious piece of garbage to the wannabe film critic because the lightning nor the cinematography are particularly "good." They wouldn't look at the factors that went into the making of the film(low budget, limited resources) nor the story being told, but instead hate it on the grounds that it is technically incompetent. In their minds a movie like Van Helsing would be superior to Carnival of Souls, because it is far more technically competent. That is my rant for the day. You might say its my special "Oscar" rant.