Fighting the infestation was one of many problems, for there were six of us and we only had enough food to last three days at best. How would we survive? It was decided that in order to live one of us would have to die. But who would it be? Joe? Terry? Jim? Walter? Alice? Me? Well, it certainly wasn't me, for I am telling you this story right now. It couldn't be Alice, for she was the only female in the group. That narrows it down to four. Joe was a mechanic, therefore his skills might (and did) come use. Terry was a doctor, therefore he was indispensable. Jim was an alcoholic and Walter was an actor. It was decided one of the two had to go. Jim was a rather fun alcoholic, where as Walter was an annoying Method actor, who constantly repeated to himself, "I am a farmer. I am a farmer." It was decided Walter had to die.
Now how to go about doing it. We told Walter that we desperately wanted him to recite a scene from "Hamlet." He got in the corner, rubbed his temples, and started repeating to himself, "I am Hamlet." Then I crept up behind him and chopped off his head. Of course, after doing so, I learned that the infestation of giant rodents had been defeated, thus making Walter's murder absolutely unnecessary. Then again, no one seemed to care that he was gone.
Walter used to ramble on about how he got rave notices for his portrayal of Will in the high school production of "The Great Easter Egg Hunt." He would ramble about how all the woman fell in love with his sensitive depiction of a love torn intellect caught in a town full of hicks. He also bragged about his ability to improvise, like one time he forgot his line, so after stuttering for a full thirty seconds he came up with this gem, "Have you seen my wallet?" It got a huge applause from the audience or so he said. I later ran into some one who actually saw the play and she said that no one laughed at that line, rather every one in the audience groaned. Which begs the question, what good are actors? Why do they feel there work is so important? Why good are they accomplishing? I could understand acting as a hobby, but as a career? What the hell? Thankfully, Walter could no longer bore us will his long winded soliloquies or horrible slap stick routines. He was as dead as a door nail, just like the greedy Jacob Marley.
Meanwhile, after having successfully survived the giant rat infestation I decided it was time for me to propose to Alice. I popped the question at a Brewers game and she responded by shoving a hot dog in my face and kicking me in the groin. She broke my heart, but all the pain went away after seeing the Brewers destroy the Pirates 12 to 3. It was a great game. Well, great for all the Brewers fans any ways.
I was leaving the stadium in a drunken haze, when I noticed something in the corner of my eye. I looked to my left and ....gasp...saw a giant rat scrounging through the garbage. I realized that this was my moment to shine. I took tip toed to my car, buckled up, turned the ignition key, and slammed my foot on the gas petal. I was going to run the mother fucker down. Unfortunately, I left my car in park and the damn thing realizing what I was up to ran away. I had failed, much like Charlie Brown did when trying to pick a Christmas tree. The only difference is that in the end Charlie Brown didn't really fail after all, and the tree turned out to be a beautiful one once it was shown a little love and caring. On the other hand, no love and caring would make a giant rat beautiful. Or would it?
I bought a huge block of cheese from the local grocery store and proceeded to search the streets for this giant rat. My hope was that he would be lured by the scent of the cheese block and come to me, that way I could show him that I cared for him. Maybe, just maybe that lousy rat would respond to my kindness. All seemed lost, when I heard footsteps. Hark! It was the giant rat. I held out the block of cheese, it slowly came towards me. My hand started to shake. What was it going to do? Would it eat the cheese? Would it eat me? Would it bite off my hand? Well, it didn't eat me? It ate the cheese and my hand. It was about to devour the rest of me, when two gun shots rang out, dropping the rat dead in it's tracks. For it was my ex-girlfriend Alice, she said she had reconsidered and would marry me after all. What a glorious moment in my life. Not only had I successfully helped dispose of the rat, but my girl would marry me after all.
Later on, she left me for a country singer named Bob, but that's another story.