The Caveman I found in my backyard is making my life a living hell.

Man, my life sucks! The girl I'm love with doesn't know I'm alive. The school bully stapled me to a wall and worst of all, the caveman I found frozen in my backyard is making my life a living hell.
When I first found him I thought this would make me the most popular guy at school. I thought the girl I loved would finally notice me and beg me to take her to prom. I thought my time had finally come. Then the unthinkable happened, the caveman awoke from his hybernated state and wrecked havoc in my house. My friend Stoney and I tamed him, made him over, passed him off as an exchange student, and named him Link. Things were going smooth at first, I caught my dreamgirl making out with Link. In fact, making out is putting it mildly, he was screwing her brains out. Yet again, I have to take backseat to a brainless, brawny brute. Damn it! Why? Why? This sucks! I can't stand it any more. I think I'll commit suicide. Maybe then the girl I love will finally notice me. She'll be sorry! She'll regret not having watched the Extended edition of Return of the King with me. She will look back on the time I asked her to attend the WWE tournament with me and wished she would have said yes. WWE ROCKS! Oh, it's on right now....I'll put off my suicide until tomorrow. John Cena here I come.
LINK! DAMN IT LINK, YOU BROKE THE TELEVISION. YOU TOTALLY DON'T RULE!
Where's my John Cena action figure? What's with that look? Link? Link? Did you eat my John Cena action figure? Damn it!