I need to get laid! But, when it comes to women I am completely clueless. How does one get laid? I've tried everything, but to no avail. Yesterday, I walked up to a girl and said, "Do you want to have sex?" She then laughed at me for minutes. Then her girlfriends show up, she told them what I said and they all laughed at me for five minutes. It was rather humiliating! What do I have to do to get laid?
Earlier today, I bought a girl a tray of nachos, convinced that she would reward this kind gesture with a trip to the bedroom. Sadly, she walked into the movie and sat down next to some tall, round headed muscular guy who kept calling her "dude." I got so mad that from the exit door I yelled, "BITCH!" and then ran away! Why can't I get laid?
Even when I have offered to pay for sex, I have failed. I once approached a hooker, gave her $200, she got in my car, pushed me out the door and drove off! Not only was I out $200, but I had no mode of transportation; consequently I was fired from my job. Boy, does my life suck! It does suck! And it's not the kind of sucking I want! DAMN IT!

If my life were a movie, I would probably have gotten laid at this point in my life. Even Jason Biggs got laid! If Jason Biggs can get laid, why can't I?

Uwe Boll is a jack ass!

I read this on IMDB:

Filmmaker Challenges Critics to All-Out Brawl
German horror director Uwe Boll is so fed up with receiving bad reviews from movie critics he is challenging his detractors to a filmed fight. Boll, whose movies Alone In The Dark and House Of The Dead are based on video games, says he will fly his critics to meet him and will then fight them in a boxing ring. The filmmaker is incensed by an online petition which has 13,327 signatures of people asking him to stop making movies. Boll, who has also invited Roger Avary and Quentin Tarantino to join his fight, plans to air the fights on the internet. He the plans to edit clips into his latest film Postal. Boll says, "I'm fed up with people slamming my films without seeing them. Many journalists make value judgments on my films based on the opinions of one or two thousand internet voices. Half of those opinions come from people who've never watched my films. If critics want to bring Uwe Boll down, here is their chance to physically bring him down and have the entire world watch them do it."

I really hope some one takes this no-talent douche clown up on his offer. It would be so awesome to see Leonard Maltin and Roger Ebert do a tag team match against Uwe Boll. Uwe Boll must be stopped at all COSTS!

Weddings Crashers 2: In Time

They need to make a sequel to smash hit Wedding Crashers, in which Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn build a time machine so they can crash past weddings. There would be a hilarious sequence in which they wacky duo crashes the Franklin - Eleanor Roosevelt wedding. In one scene the Vaughn character warns Franklin that he will face one long, great depression. Hilarious! Then they would whisk themselves off to the wedding of Prince Charles to Princess Diana. Then they travel back to the stone age where they find themselves present at a Neanderthal wedding. Vaughn realizing how ugly Neanderthal's are, quickly jumps into the time machine leaving Wilson behind. Yes, these are wonderful scenes you would see if they ever make Wedding Crashers 2: In Time.

If they can't get Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, they could always casts actors like Jason Biggs, Josh Meyers, and Sean William Scott to play the leads.

You need to dump her!
I need to talk to you about your girlfriend. She's annoying; she's like Jar Jar Binks, every time she opens her mouth she kills the moment. You need to dump her! Not only for your own good, but for the good of the group as well. Your girlfriend does not belong in our group and if you remain with her, then I'm afraid we can not keep you as a friend. I'm sorry, but it's kind of hard to separate you from your annoying girlfriend's stupid antics. Therefore, you must decide as to whether you want to stay with her or us! It's your choice! However, let it be said that if you choose to stay with her, you choose a life of misery. EW! The only thing she has going for her is a nice rack, other than that she's utterly useless. If you choose to stay with your friends, you choose a life of fun and excitement. You choose a life of drunken parties, video games, fastfood, and other hilarious shenanigans. Don't let this she demon wear you down. EW!

Let's go see a movie! (Or Yet another reason to post a picture of Keira Knightley to rival Dave Faber's blog.)

Man, it's such a wonderful day to see a movie! I love movies, especially when viewed on the Ultrascreen. The Ultrascreen is ten times better than a regular sized screen, because the picture is bigger, therefore it is better. It sucked they didn't show The DaVinci Code on the Ultrascreen; hopefully they will show Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest on it. I'm so psyched to see that movie. Not only does it have Johnny Depp (who is the greatest actor EVER), but it has bad ass special effects, not to mention Keira Knightley. I don't know about you, but if I'm not watching a movie on the Ultrascreen, I'm not watching a movie at all. Regular sized screens just can't capture the sheer scope of a film like the Ultrascreen. Nor can a regular sized screen capture the sheer hotness of Keira Knightley. When you see that glowing face on the Ultrascreen, it is truly a moving experience. I tried watching Star Wars Episode III on a regular sized screen and I just couldn't get into the story. People tried to convince me that it was because of the bad writing. However, if the writing was so bad, how come I was cheering when I saw it in the Ultrascreen? Huh?
I wish there were more Ultrascreens in the states, then I would have no reason to stay home and watch television.
Just imagine viewing this on the Ultrascreen. Ha Ha Ha! Boy, would it be packed! Ha Ha! I'm so funny! Ha Ha! I crack myself up! I sure hope Keira is reading this blog, that way she will see how funny I am and then she will marry me. Ha Ha! I'm cool!

War is bad. How can I help bring about an end to war? I know, I'll attend a rock concert! That's right, by attending a rock concert I will show the evil fascist conservatives that I want a world of peace, not war. After all, it worked in the 60s. After Woodstock, the government had no choice but to pull our troops out of Vietnam. It's amazing how wise our hippie ancestors were. My history college professor told me all sorts of great stories about the 60s, and how the peace movement brought about an end to war. Did you know it was the peace movement that removed Nixon from office?Watergate had absolutely nothing to do with it, it was the pressure brought by the peace movement that forced him to resign.
I hope I have enough money to buy a T-shirt at the concert. Every time I go to a concert, I always make sure to buy a T-shirt as a souvenir. I better save up some money, so I can afford to buy some snacks as well. My girlfriends loves nachos and so do I for that matter. This is going to be an awesome concert!