I resent this film not being in color.

This movie isn't in color, I resent that. I can not stand black and white, it's not as pleasing to look at as color. Yesterday, I rented Psycho (not the awesome remake with my favorite badass Vince Vaughn), but the Alfred Hitchcock version, after having heard how good is was from my friend Ted. I popped in the DVD and was horrified to see that was in black and white. I immediately popped out the DVD and put in a copy of the Vince Vaughn version. I then called up Ted and screamed him out for half hour. How dare he recommend a black and white movie to me? I told him I never want to hear from him again and hung up the phone. It was pretty bad ass, just like Vince Vaughn. I sure hope they make a sequel to Dodgeball, that movie was HI-larious. In fact, they should make a sequel to both Dodgeball and Wedding Crashers, it could be called Wedding Ball. What was I talking about again? Oh yes, I hate black and whites movies.

Why are you always making fun of my height?

Stop laughing! I'm not that short. Sure, you maybe a female and a few inches taller than me, but that is no reason for you to be laughing. You always make fun of my height. Look, I can't help it if I'm shorter than you, I was born that way. Either you accept that or find a new boyfriend. I don't appreciate it when you hold your hand to my head to prevent me from kissing you. I can't stand it when you take my shoes and throw them on top of the refrigerator. It's not funny. Sure, maybe it was humorous the first five times you did it, but it gets old after awhile. For crying out loud, I'm not even that short! I'm 5'6". You're only like three inches taller than me. Besides, throwing my shoes on top of the refrigerator is pretty futile, because I'm tall enough to reach them. Why do you persist in tormenting me? This is my final warning, one more comment about my height and I'm gone. I'm serious! STOP LAUGHING! That does it! I'm leaving! Goodbye! You're so immature. I hate you.

The Caveman I found in my backyard is making my life a living hell.

Man, my life sucks! The girl I'm love with doesn't know I'm alive. The school bully stapled me to a wall and worst of all, the caveman I found frozen in my backyard is making my life a living hell.
When I first found him I thought this would make me the most popular guy at school. I thought the girl I loved would finally notice me and beg me to take her to prom. I thought my time had finally come. Then the unthinkable happened, the caveman awoke from his hybernated state and wrecked havoc in my house. My friend Stoney and I tamed him, made him over, passed him off as an exchange student, and named him Link. Things were going smooth at first, I caught my dreamgirl making out with Link. In fact, making out is putting it mildly, he was screwing her brains out. Yet again, I have to take backseat to a brainless, brawny brute. Damn it! Why? Why? This sucks! I can't stand it any more. I think I'll commit suicide. Maybe then the girl I love will finally notice me. She'll be sorry! She'll regret not having watched the Extended edition of Return of the King with me. She will look back on the time I asked her to attend the WWE tournament with me and wished she would have said yes. WWE ROCKS! Oh, it's on right now....I'll put off my suicide until tomorrow. John Cena here I come.
LINK! DAMN IT LINK, YOU BROKE THE TELEVISION. YOU TOTALLY DON'T RULE!
Where's my John Cena action figure? What's with that look? Link? Link? Did you eat my John Cena action figure? Damn it!

TV sucks!

Why does TV suck so much? It used to be there was a few watchable shows on television, now there are none. About the only thing worth watching is Telemundo, because of all the hilarious Spanish soap operas, and that's only entertaining because you have no idea what they are saying (unless you speak Spanish). I'm sure if I did understand what they were saying on all those funny Spanish soap operas I would want to shoot myself. OH SIGH! Oh well, on the bright side at least I own I shit load of videos and DVDs so I don't have to watch television. In fact, who needs TV any ways, it's nothing but mediocre shows constantly being interrupted by annoying commercials. The worst commercial of all time is that one with Jessica Simpson in which she talks about acne. Last thing I need to see is some talentless blonde talking about how horrible her acne used to be and how it got better thanks to some overpriced product that has serious side effects.
"Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, internal bleeding, depression, and premature death. ORDER NOW!"
Of course I'm sure some one will say, "Goggins there are plenty of good shows on television, you just need to lighten up." To this I say, "Shut up!" It is not in my nature to lighten up. What's the point? Why put a smile on your face when you know eventually something is going to kick you in the nuts and wipe it away? Life is pain. I think I will sit in the dark for two hours and write some poetry about how futile life is. Yeah. I'm deep, cause I'm a tormented soul.

I lost my pet cat and now I am alone.

My pet cat Timothy ran away and now I am so alone. Why did Timothy run away? Why? I fed him every day. I changed his litter box when it needed changing. I bought him all sorts of toys and played with him all the time, but alas he is left and I am alone. BOO HOO! Timothy please come back! OH PLEASE! I will give you all the love I can spare and more. I will give you an extra dinner every night, if you come back soon. OH TIMOTHY, you are my one and only friend, don't leave me. Don't leave me! BOO HOO! WHINE! WHINE! WAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

And the killer is..........

I have pieced together every possible clue and have determined that the killer is none other than.............

Find out next year!

Movies that need to be remade.

1. Citizen Kane: It always on every serious film critics top 100 list, but let's be honest Citizen Kane is simply not a good movie. It's in desperate need of a remake. Imagine how cool this movie would be if Hayden Christianson played Charles Foster Kane and if the film was shot entirely in front of a green screen. It would totally kick ass! Natalie Portman could co-star as Kane's neglected wife Susan, who becomes a stripper because he isn't paying enough attention to her. It would totally blow away the outdated original.

2. Casablanca: The original is good, but c'mon Humphrey Bogart is ugly. I mean it is totally improbable that any gorgeous woman would fall for such an unnattractive man. Therefore, I insist that Hayden Christianson should play Rick. Just imagine how cool it would be to see Anna...I mean Hayden Christianson deliver the famous line, "The problems of three people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world." It would definitely improve upon Bogart's rather unemotional line delivery.

3. Dr. Strangelove: This movie isn't funny at all. What it needs is a comic genius like Will Ferrell in the the three roles Peter Sellers played in the original. Ferrell is infinitely funnier than Peter Sellers, who's only slightly good movie was The Fiendish Plot of Fu Manchu. Ferrell could bring much needed humor to a grim story by flailing his arms about and doing all sorts of wacky sight gags like running buck naked through the war room. It would be brilliant, much like Ferrell's beloved comedy A Night at the Roxbury.

4. Duck Soup: This movie is OK for an old comedy, but just think what Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Owen Wilson could do with this kind of material. They would turn a rather non-sensical film into inspired lunacy. Not to mention Will Ferrell and Luke Wilson could turn in hilarious cameos. It would be a must see.

5. Rosemary's Baby: Where's the horror in this movie? I mean, seriously there's no monsters, no effects, it's just two and a half hours of some average looking chick freaking out over the littlest of things. This film would be so much better if it starred Jennifer Love Hewitt in the title role and had a whole gaggle of CGI demons jumping out from every corner imaginable. Not to mention there could be hot shower scene in which Hewitt keeps hearing things, but continues showering nonetheless. It would co-star Paris Hilton as Hewitt's sexy neighbor who mysteriously vanishes one night. GENIUS!

The Five Most Annoying Directors of All Time.

5) M. Night Shyamalan:
M. Night Shyamalan started out as a promising director, but then he started to take himself too seriously as a filmmaker. The success of The Sixth Sense convinced him that he was a genius and from then on his films got progressively worse. The Village was not only a dull piece of filmmaking, it was also a lame attempt at making a parable out of an obvious twist ending. When ever any one criticizes his movies, Shyamalan blasts back that they simply didn't understand his vision. Here's a question for all you M. Night apologists out there: if his name wasn't on the credits would you have genuinely liked his last three films (Signs, The Village, Lady in the Water)? Of course not! You would have seen them for the piece of junk they truly are. If The Village is truly a profound piece of cinema, then the equally asinine The Brain That Wouldn't Die must also be a deep movie experience, for its about the dangers of science.

4) George Lucas:
It's amazing how a man who has revolutionized filmmaking has absolutely no originality left in him. Instead of moving onto his next film project, Lucas constantly has to find new ways to rape and whore out the Star Wars universe. First, he came out with the Special Editions, which had "improved" effects and additional scenes that didn't contribute to the story what so ever. Then he made the prequels, which ruined the character of Darth Vader. The very notion that Darth Vader was Hayden Christianson in his youth makes him seem less like a badass and more like a whiney, little bitch who turned to evil because he wasn't given what he wanted for his birthday.
In the hands of George Lucas a mythological story turns into a standard drama on the WB.

3) Nora Ephron:
Nora Ephron is the writer/director of many unwatchable romantic comedies. Her characters constantly whine about how no one loves them, only to find in love in the end. How original! How delightful! I'm so glad we have filmmakers turning out unused screenplays written in the silent era. Her most unexcusable film was Bewitched, in which Will Ferrell does many Jim Carrey-like antics to win the affections of Nicole Kidman. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that Nicole Kidman talks in a high pitched voice for the entire running length of the film. For some reason unknown to the audience Kidman falls in love with Ferrell's self-centered character and no one is moved by the experience.

2) Ron Howard:
Ron Howard is the least talented director to ever win an Oscar for directing. His only contribution to cinema is that he makes bland movies that do huge at the box office one week, but are forgotten about the next. A Beautiful Mind takes what could have been a compelling biography and turns into crowd pleasing, awe-inspiring fluff. The Missing was a lame re-working of The Searchers, and Apollo 13 was good mainly due to its effects and the fact that it was inspired by a real life story. The only good thing to say about Ron Howard is that he is not Kevin Smith.

1) Kevin Smith:
Here's my impersonation of Kevin Smith directing a movie, "In this scene I want you to stand in front of his brick wall and READ my dialogue. Don't say it, READ IT. Make it as unnatural sounding as humanly possible." That is Kevin Smith in a nutshell. Not only are his films are uninteresting to look at, but his characters are one dimensional and get boring after awhile. Jay saying, "fuck this shit," gets rather old after the 30th time. The most annoying aspect of his films is how he constantly has to reference his own work. I have not seen Clerks II, but I'm willing to bet there are a least a dozen references to his previous films, that no one but his devoted fanbase will find funny.

Who needs critics, when I have my family.

Critics hate my movies, but I didn't make movies for critics, I made them for an audience. Besides, I know I'm a good filmmaker, my mommy said I was. I showed her my last movie and she was like, "That's pretty good dear." She then gave me a plate of cookies and nice glass of milk to wash them down with. Critics are stupid, let's see them make a movie. I remember their reviews for Van Helsing and was baffled at how they could possibly hate such a great movie. I mean...Hugh Jackman is a bad ass and Kate Beckinsale is HAWT, therefore how could it possibly be bad. It just goes to show you what critics know. The only kind of films they like are ones with unattractive people that no one sees like About Schmidt. There were not hotties in that film, nor unnecessary violence and gore. Oh......and kudos to Stephen Sommers for those creepy credits at the end of Van Helsing.

I'm going to challenge the Hollywood system by making non-narrative experimental films. Yes, once Hollywood sees my movies they will tremble in fear and their precious caplitalistic system will collapse thanks to my pure art. Once they see my two hour epic entitled Cell Phone, they will panic and be like, "OH NO! WE CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT!"
Cell Phone is my critique on mankind's obsession with his status symbol; it has no actors, but rather is just one long close up of a cell phone, while heaving breathing is heard on the soundtrack. I screened it at the UW-Milwaukee film festival and it was greeted with heavy applause. I became a minor celebrity on the campus and women were begging to give me a blow job. I was like, "Ladies, I did not make this film for myself, I made it for you." Then they treated me to a blow job. It was pretty awesome.
My next film project is entitled Keyboard, in which a hand types on a keyboard for three hours. It will be my masterpiece.
Look out Hollywood a new kind of film is headed your way and you are helpless to stop it.

Cartwright Jones is the greatest American actor of all time.

If you have not heard of Cartwright Jones then I pity you for he is without a doubt the greatest American actor of all time. He's not known for his stage roles, rather for his real life contribution to the war effort during World War II, in which he impersonated a general to confuse the Nazis. By all accounts he gave the performance of a life time. What's even more inspiring is that he was rescued from the Nazis by Clint Eastwood and Richard Burton. They made quite a team.