This isn't the right movie?

I clearly bought a ticket to see Step Up 2: The Streets, but for some reason you guys are showing The Dark Knight. What's going on? This most definitely isn't the right movie! What do you mean it's a trailer for The Dark Knight? OHHHHH, I see you mean it's like a preview....ohhhh....OK, I understand. So you will be showing Step Up 2? OK! For a second I thought I walked into the wrong movie. Ha! Isn't that funny? I can't wait to tell all my friends this delightful story, I'm sure they will amused. Thank you!

So much for the 2007 Patriots being the greatest team of all time!

How does a team win 18 consecutive games, yet some how manages to lose the most important game of the season? All season long we've heard pundits, sport writers, analysts, etc. talk about how the 2007 Patriots are "GREATEST TEAM OF ALL TIME!" How is it a team that broke all records during the regular season were able to only score 14 measle points against a pretty mediocre defense? Oh well! It's great to know neither Randy Moss nor Junior Seau have Super Bowl rings. Both went to the Patriots because they were convinced they would win a Super Bowl, well not this year.
However, it annoys me to know that the Packers were essentially a field goal away from being Super Bowl champions. They could have taken the Patriots, but blew it. AAAHHH!

Shaky cameras = brilliant cinema!

I just saw Cloverfield and it was BRILLIANT! I mean it had lots of shaky camera movement and people screaming for an hour and a half, I mean it was really intense bro! I nearly spilled hot nachos cheese on my pants because I was so rattled up while watching this flick. Not since Peter Jackson's King Kong (which I heard was a remake of something) have I been so moved by a movie. I give five Fs for Frighteningly Fabulous Fun Fuckin' Film. It wasn't as intense as Fight Club, but what is?

One last football post before I get back to being random:

Even though the Giants beat the Packers, I hope they go into Arizona and pull the greatest upset of all time by beating the Patriots. All season long we've had to hear about how the Patriots are the "GREATEST FOOTBALL TEAM OF ALL TIME!" Meanwhile, we've had to witness countless analysts, pundits, and sports writers masturbate to footage of Tom Brady throwing touchdown passes, "Is there a greater quarterback than Tom Brady? He's so pretty! If he asked me for a blow job, I would give it to him." And when they weren't talking about how beautiful Tom Brady was, they were writing about how Randy Moss had become a model citizen, before he was slapped with a restraining order. That's why it would be great if the Giants do the unthinkable and beat the Patriots, because their "perfect" season would be just another footnote in sport's history, kind of like the 1998 Vikings.

Why did it have to end like this?

I can tolerate the fact that the Packers lost to the Giants, what I can't tolerate is the fact that Brett Favre threw the game losing interception. It's pretty sad that when people think of the 2007 season, they won't think of the records Favre broke, but rather that costly interception in over time. It brings back memories of the Divisional round in Philadelphia in which Favre threw the game losing interception in over time as well.
All in all, I'm not disappointed in the season the Packers had, they completely exceeded my expectations, I thought at best they would lose in the wild card round of the play offs, I just wish it wouldn't have ended on such an ugly note. Oh well!
The Giants completely outplayed the Packers at Lambeau, that's all there is to it. The Packers didn't give the game away, but the Giants nearly did. It should have never gone into over time in the first place, but the Giants kicker missed a field goal. I wish he would have made the field goal in regulation, just so Favre wouldn't have thrown that interception, but that's the way the ball bounces.
I'm also not stupid enough to say, "We'll be back next season," because it's hard to get to NFC Championship game in two consecutive years. Who knows?

My last couple of posts have been football related, therefore I thought I would talk about something completely different....unfortunately I have nothing much to say. In fact, the only thing on my mind is the Packers vs. the Giants game. No.....no.....I must keep my mind off football. I CAN'T DO IT! Possibly the most annoying thing this season is how local news outlets make puns out of Brett Favre's last name. For instance, after the Packers beat the Kansas City Chiefs, one show had a headline which read, "Favre from finished!" The sad thing is that some one actually got paid to write this god awful sentence. It's not nearly as enjoyable as the puns media outlets used to describe the Chicago Bears last season after they played a couple of crappy games, the two best being "EM-BEAR-ASSING" and "UN-BEAR-ABLE." Then again, I hate the Chicago Bears, therefore any time they receive any sort of criticism I am over filled with joy. I'm sure most Bears fans probably groaned when they read these headlines. Good for them! In completely unrelated news, my beard is growing progressively longer. I have not shaved in about five months and I very close to realizing my life long dream of growing a nice, long Karl Marx beard. That would be so awesome! Then I can turn into a socialist and spew all sorts of anti-authoritarian garbage, while local college students look on in awe at my down to earth intellect...or something like that. Then after, I'm done talking about the evils of capitalism, I will eat go to the local Burger King and get a nice, delicious Whopper. ENDE!

Eli Manning is my hero (up until next Sunday any ways).

This may be the best weekend of all time, not only did the Packers slaughter the Seahawks, but the Giants beat the Cowboys. Tony Romo once again choked in the clutch, this time instead of fumbling a snap, he threw an interception in the end zone. Thank you Eli Manning! All season long analysts have been criticizing Eli Manning for his quarterback play, while crowning Tony Romo as the second coming of Jesus. After the Cowboys lucky win against the Detroit Lions, sportswriters and analysts started calling Romo a "Legend" and every time he completed a pass they would say stupid things like, "That's vintage Tony Romo!" Vintage Tony Romo? The guy hasn't even played two full seasons and he's already a legend. All I know is that Tony Romo is 0 - 2 in the post season, while Eli Manning is 2 -2. I'm so happy we no longer have to hear about how delightful Tony Romo is!

It was great to see the Green Bay Packers slaughter the Seattle Seahawks. The best part of the game was the constant close ups of Mike Holmgren's face turning red and shouting profanities at the refs. I'm surprised he hasn't blamed the refs for the losing the game for his team.

Shannon Sharpe is an IDIOT!

Why is that practically every NFL analyst is anti-Packers? Yesterday on the CBS pre-game show Shannon Sharpe predicted the Seattle Seahawks to beat the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau field, because in his opinion Seattle has more "play off experience." Hey Shannon here's a little tidbit for you, the Seahawks have yet to win a play off game on the road, under Mike Holmgren they are 0-3 on the road in the post-season. When Holmgren was with the Green Bay Packers he was an average road coach at best. It's a Holmgren tendency that haunts not only teams he's coached, but teams coached by his former assistant coaches as well: Andy Reid and the Eagles; Jon Gruden and the Buccaneers; and Dick Jauron and the Bills.
As a Packers fan, I have to say that I am not that worried about the Seahawks, because their quarterback Matt Hasselbeck (or as I call him Matt Baldyhead) always makes a mistake at the most inopportune moment. Hasselbeck is a cocky mother fucker, to the extent that he thinks he is incapable of making a bad throw, then as expected he makes a bad throw that gets intercepted and run back for a touchdown. I predict that Hasselbeck will have at least two interceptions against the Packers on Saturday, then Holmgren's face will turn all red and he'll start throwing a tantrum, finding a way to blame his team's pathetic performance on the refs.

PS: I really, really hate Seahawks fans, because they are all huge phonies. They are the true definition of fair weathered fans. When the Seahawks are winning they are shouting stupid phrases like, "SEAHAWKS RAWK,"when the Seahawks are losing they don't even bat an eye, they just go to the nearest Starbucks and order an over priced Latte. They don't deserve a Super Bowl win.

This direct to DVD movie better be good or else there will be hell to pay!

I just rented the latest American Pie sequel Beta House and all I can say is that it better live up the genius that was American Pie Presents Band Camp and American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile. Those films were genuine classics, where as I have sneaky suspicion that this latest installment is nothing but an Animal House rip off. As improbable as it seems, I think the American Pie series might be taking a turn of the worse. It's kind of like how the Bring It On series went into decline with the release of Bring It On: All Or Nothing. I mean that film did hold a candle to the first two films in the series, despite the presence of the delightful Heroes star Hayden Panettiere. However, I still have to watch Beta House, so as far as I know it could possibly be the best film in what is possibly the greatest franchise in the history of cinema. I hope Jason Biggs has a cameo in this film. That would be funny!

FOX 6 Blitz is the funniest show on television.
If you have not watched FOX 6 Blitz, you are missing out on what is perhaps the most entertaining half hour show on television. For those who do not what FOX 6 Blitz is, it's a local show that covers the Green Bay Packers every Sunday night during football season. It is hosted by Tom Pipines, Jen Lada, and Tim Van Vooren. The best part of show is when each of the three give their grades for the Packers offense, defense, and special teams. Usually, Tom Pipines will give the Packers a D+ and then say something along the lines like, "even though the Packers scored 35 points, they only had 65 rushing yards. Simply not a good team. I don't know how they can possibly compete in the play offs." Meanwhile, I nearly die from laughter. Never has a sports show been so entertaining. Then he'll go on some tangent about how, "Wisconsin's own Tony Romo is the greatest quarterback in the history of the game," much to the amusement of every one else.

Tom Pipines always has to stress the point that Tony Romo is from Wisconsin, because some how it is a victory for the state that we produced such a fine athlete! Bah! Then he'll go, "I know the Packers are 13 -3, but they're simply not a good football team." Then Jen and Tim nod their heads, knowing it is best to remain silent, rather than set Pip off on another tangent.

At the end of each show, Tom, Jen, and Tim give their MVPs from the game. Jen seems to choose Mason Crosby every other week. To her credit Mason Crosby has scored the most points in the NFL. However, probably her most memorable choice came last football season in the New Years Eve game against the Bears in which she picked Rex Grossman as the game's MVP. He did after all throw two interceptions for touch downs in that game. Poor Rex Grossman.
Meanwhile, Tom Pipines usually says something along the lines of, "Well even though Greg Jennings had two touch down passes, he still dropped a few balls. Therefore, I give him a B -. And the only reason why he's my MVP is because I gave every one else on the team a D. Simply not a good football team."
Tim usually picks Donald Driver or some other veteran on the team. Very rarely do they pick Brett Favre, which is probably good, because there's been way too much Brett Favre slurping this entire season, especially by Tony Kornheiser.
It's pretty sad that once this football season ends, there will be no Fox 6 Blitz for a long time. How will I live with out knowing what grade Tom, Jen, and Tim will give the Packers? I do not know!
Simply not a good football team.

PS: Tom Pipines has not used the phrase, "Simply not a good football team" at all this season. He did however say it a lot a couple of season ago. Then he gave every one on the Packers an F.
Meanwhile, Wisconsin's own Tony Romo was sitting on a bench watching Drew Bledsoe play with that stupid grin on his face.

You best start believing in bad movies Miss Turner, you're in one.

That was the thought that entered my head after having watch Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End in it's entirety on Christmas Day. My sister for reasons unknown loves At World's End and owns the DVD, so I decided that I would kill some time by popping in the DVD and giving the film a fair chance, sadly I am still watching the damn film. It has no end! AAAHHHH! It keeps going. Enough with the multiple Jack Sparrows! It wasn't that funny the first time around! Enough with the betrayals! I can't even keep track on who is what side and why. Huh? Are the characters supposed to unlikable? If so, the filmmakers have succeeded. On the plus side, at least there isn't a ten minute scene in which three annoying characters fight in a wheel, instead we get a ten minute sequence in which Jack Sparrow swings on a rope fighting random bad guys. To the film's credit, it is a slight improvement over Dead Man's Chest, but then against what isn't? Though, I have to admit that I did enjoy Geoffrey Rush's performance as Captain Barbossa, he made the first half hour tolerable. Unfortunately, once Johnny Depp enters the picture, Barbossa gets sidelined to make room for Jack Sparrow's wacky antics and Will and Elizabeth's dull romance. I say dull, because they spend of most of the film's running time mad at each other. Incidentally, when exactly did Elizabeth become a sword wielding bad ass? When did she learn to fight with a sword? When did she have time? Yet, at the film's head ache inducing conclusion she is holding her own against pirates who have spent their entire lives fighting with swords. What? I know it's suppose to be suspension of disbelief, but even a fantasy film needs to abide by the rules. If a woman goes from being a spoiled governor's daughter to a sword wielding pirate, there's got to be a transitional period in the movie, sadly it doesn't exist.
Then again, it's not like there was a script or anything to guide the filmmakers.

Tony Romo is no longer delightful!

After losing the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday, Tony Romo is no longer delightful. He is no longer the Jack Sparrow of the NFL. He no longer thrills us with his wacky on field antics, rather he annoys us with his sheer incompetence. Oh TONY, WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED US? We thought you were the greatest quarterback of all time, instead you pulled a Joey Harrington by completely sucking it up. Remember how Joey Harrington was delightful for half a season before his enthusiasm for sucking got annoying? Will Romo drop his chance to go the Super Bowl again?
Meanwhile, according to ESPN the Patriots might be human after all! WOW! Ladies and gentlemen the Patriots are no longer for real, because they are not blowing out the opposition.

I'm so excited that the Bears are 5 - 6, that means they have a shot at making the play offs. Since, they have replaced that no good Brian Griese for the time tested Rex Grossman that means they are sure to get in as a wild card. Unlike Griese, Grossman has played in the post-season, he knows the pressure that comes with a play off game. Ladies and gentlemen the Bears are for real! Just like they were the last two seasons and in 1985. Do you remember the 1985 Bears? Us Chicago Bears fans can never forget what a magical year that was. Do you remember Super Bowl XX? I sure as hell can ever forget the sight of seeing Jim McMahon rushing for two touchdowns. This was a magical team folks. I mean, the Packers never went 15-1, hence, that means the 1985 Bears were the best team EVER! I know sports writers will tell you that the 1972 Dolphins were the best team ever, because they went undefeated and this years Patriots might be the greatest team ever assembled, but that is all hogwash. Did the 1972 Dolphins have the deadly 46 zone defense? I think not. Do the 2007 Patriots have Walter Payton on their team? NO! When you factor in these two equations one is forced to admit that the 1985 Bears were the greatest team of all time. Far more fearsome that the 1996 Packers, who were just frauds posing as champions.

PS: I know a few weeks ago I was excited that the Bears benched Grossman in favor of Brian Griese, well since then I've come to the realization that Grossman is the quarterback for us. He's learned a lot since coming off the bench and it wouldn't surprise me if he gets voted into the pro-bowl and wins league MVP. He was totally robbed of both honors last year.

Tony Romo is delightful!

Tomorrow Tony Romo takes on Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers, it's bound to be a great game. As we all know Tony Romo is from Wisconsin, which means he MUST be a Brett Favre fan. How can he not be? After all he's from Wisconsin and as we all know all Wisconsinites love Brett Favre. And Bart Starr. But Tony Romo didn't grow up watching Bart Starr, he grew up watching Brett Favre, because Tony Romo is from Wisconsin and all Wisconsinites watch Brett Favre.
The Romo/Favre comparison is inevitable seeing as how Tony Romo grew up in Wisconsin, but Romo reminds me more of that delightful pirate Jack Sparrow, than he does Brett Favre.
Like Jack Sparrow you can't tell if he is ad libbing a play or if that is how he planned it all along; like that botched snap against St. Louis, in which the center snapped the ball over his head and he evaded defenders to get the coveted first down. That was very Jack Sparrowesque. It was delightful. Not since Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End has something brought such a huge smile to my face. Did I mention Tony Romo is from Wisconsin? And that he loves Brett Favre? I did. It's staggers the mind that a small town Wisconsin kid could achieve so much success in so little time. It's kind of like how Jack Sparrow went from being a lovable misfit to being the captain of his own pirate ship. Delightful!
I hope there is a fourth Pirates film, that way Tony Romo can be cast as Jack Sparrow's delightful younger brother Jake. That would be awesome. Not as awesome as Wisconsin's own Tony Romo taking on Green Bay legend Brett Favre in the NFC Champsionship game, but close.

Why is it no one remembers my name?

Hi ya Folks! Remember me? No! It's me Jackie Vernon! Does that name ring a bell just a little bit? Not even a tiny tad? C'mon folks, it's me Jackie Vernon, I did the voice of Frosty the fuckin' snowman for chrissake! Now do you remember? No, John Goodman did the voice of Frosty in that awful sequel Frosty's Winter Wonderland. I on other hand am the real deal. I'm Jackie Vernon. C'mon, why is so hard to remember my name? I brought joy to millions of little children with my definitive interpretation of every one's favorite magical snowman. Not only did I the original Frosty, but I did a sequel called Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July, in which Rudolph and Frosty (me) join a circus. Frosty also has a snow wife and two snow children in that movie. It's pretty good, just like me, Jackie Vernon.

Are you the one they call Beowulf?

Every time I see the preview for the upcoming movie Beowulf, I want to punch something. Not since Van Helsing has a trailer for a movie filled me with such murderous rage. Every time I hear the line, "Are you the one they call Beowulf?" my face turns red, I begin to foam at the mouth, and then start tearing apart my room. The film looks horrible. The character animation looks creepy, just like Robert Zemeckis' other CGI crapfest The Polar Express. These characters look like mannequins. Their eyes are lifeless, their body gestures are stiff, and their faces convey very little emotion. Though knowing how desperate moviegoers are for entertainment, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if this unwatchable mess grossed over 200 million dollars.
It's sad to know that they are a bunch of "bros" out there who genuinely want to see this film. I could just see them with their Seattle Seahawks jerseys on, watching the TV when the preview comes on and thinking, "Wow, this movie looks bad ass! Go Seahawks!" Then breaking into tears when the Seahawks lose yet another game.
Robert Zemeckis needs to be stopped!

Why are sports writers such idiots?

A few days ago I watched the ESPN show Around the Horn, and one of the topics that came up was whether or not the Packers are the best team in the NFC. If you have not seen Around the Horn it is a show in which four sport writers debate on various sports topics and are awarded points if they can make valid arguments. Any ways, practically all of the sports writers dismissed the Packers mainly because they haven't played any tough teams. Which team did the pick as being the elite NFC team? The New York Giants, which begs the question: What teams have the Giants beaten? Let's see: the Redskins, the Eagles, the Jets, the Falcons, the 49ers, and the Miami Dolphins. Out of all the six teams listed above, only the Redskins having a winning record. Every one has been talking about how much the Giants defense has improved, but has it really improved? Is it really a surprise that the Giants shut down the 49ers and the Dolphins offenses?
These teams don't exactly have great offenses, yet all these sports writers act as if the Giants have beaten the Patriots or the Colts. How can these sports writers say the Packers are not for real because they haven't beaten "any body," yet keep heaping all sorts of praise on the Giants who haven't beaten "any body" either? I hate sports writers. Their way of determining whether a team is good or not is to look at how well the team performed the previous season. Therefore because the Bears made it to the Super Bowl in the previous season, it only stands to reason they are going to be good this season. Where as the Packers were 8-8 last season, therefore there's no way they are going to make the play offs. MORONS! Sports writers know about as much as the average fan, yet they get paid far more for their useless tidbits. OH WELL! I'm just happy to see the Packers are 6 -1, regardless of whether or not they are the best team in the NFC.

Which Jessica do I like more?

It is so hard for me to decide whether I like Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel more, because they are such AMAZING actresses. Did you see Jessica Alba's hilarious turn in the brilliant Dane Cook comedy Good Luck Chuck; her pratfalls were so good that I nearly wet myself with laughter. Tears kept streaming from my eyes, because it's was sooooo funny! But as good as Alba is, she's never done anything quite as profound as Jessica Biel's turn in the 2005 masterpiece Stealth. Biel plays an air force pilot, who's not only sexy, but tough. She is not your typical damsel in distress, no sir, she's a complete hard ass who also looks good in a bikini. And who could forget her immortal line, "Just tell me you love me you pussy."
I sure hope the two Jessicas make a movie together, that would kick ass. They could play smart, independent bikini clad detectives who solve mysteries, while hoping to catch the perfect wave. It would be brilliant. Hell, maybe the third Jessica (Jessica Simpson) could make a guest appearance as a bikini clad mathematician who holds the key to solving the main mystery. Wow, that sounds like a good movie. In could also have a wacky subplot involving skateboarders trying to pick up girls, but wasting most of their energy eating hot dogs. Man, I'm a roll.

GREATEST COMMERCIAL EVER!!!!

A Three part post:

Part I.
Is it OK for an atheist to scream, "OH MY GOD," while having sex? This is an issue which has bothered me for years. If you don't believe in God, why are you calling out his name during fornication? I mean, couldn't you find something else to scream like, "OH YES! OH YES!" Or how about it, "FUCKIN' A! HARDER!" But no, these atheists must always blaspheme the Lord by screaming, "OH MY GOD!" over and over. Darn you atheists, leave my god out of your love making. I know when I'm fucking some random woman on the street, I am not calling out to my God. And I make damn sure she isn't either. After all, you should show respect to the Lord.

Part II.
And while I'm on the subject: Why do women like such shitty music? I mean, what's up with that? Seriously, this one girl I know likes Dave Matthews because in her own words he is, "deep and stuff." Why is he deep? Because he sings boring lyrics while strumming an acoustic guitar? WOW! I guess if you compare Dave Matthews to Justin Timberlake, then he would come off as deep. What's with women and their odd obsession with guys who play acoustic guitars? Every time you see one of the ass clowns at a coffee shop chances are he is surrounded by women who are in awe of his "talent." Then he sings a song about how he was hurt by a previous girlfriend and all the girls are like, "OH POOR GUY! I would never treat him so shabbily." Then he hooks up with some random woman in the crowd and treats her shabbily.

Part III.

I hate musicians! I hate artists! The only good artists are the ones who make low brow fart comedies for the masses and willingly admit that they are doing it all for the money. I respect people who can admit that they are greedy, unlike the true "artists" who don't care about money, but you know are doing it to express themselves, while charging an arm and leg for the public to see their latest unimpressive art exhibit. I can't stand artists!