This theatre doesn't have THX?

Dude, what's up with that? How could this theatre not have THX sound? I only see movies that have THX, because the sound quality is so much better. What do you mean THX is not a sound system? What do you mean its a certification? That's bullshit! You guys are trying to steal my hard earned money by feeding me false information. You guys are worse than the Gestapo. I remember when I saw Austin Powers: Goldmember in theatre and when the THX logo came up, my friends and I applauded, because we KNEW the sound was going to be top notch. I'm never coming to this theatre again, not until you guys straighten up your act and get THX sound.

You're not going to the midnight showing of Pirates!


I can't believe you are not going to the midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean : At World's End, it's totally the in thing to do. I bought my tickets when they first went on sale; I dare not miss this event. Granted I didn't really like Dead Man's Chest all that much, but that isn't going to prevent me from going to the midnight showing of At World's End....I mean....every one's going to be there, except you. I can't believe you have no interest in going. What's wrong with you? While I'm going to be having a delightful time with my friends and co-workers, you'll be tossing and turning in your bed, tormented over the fact that you didn't go to the midnight showing. I thought you were cool, but I'm beginning to have my doubts. You honestly don't want to see Johnny Depp spout out random one liners, while doing battle with Captain Barbossa? Sure, it was done to death in the first Pirates, but this is the third installment, which means it will be bigger and far more bad ass. I'm just dying to know who Elizabeth is going to choose in the end: Jack Sparrow or Will Turner. Doesn't that make you curious in the least bit? It doesn't! You suck! You're just cynical, I don't know if I want to be your friend any more. Goodbye!

Why Batman Forever is the best Batman movie EVER!


When people talk about the Batman movies, they usually make the absurd claim that Tim Burton's travesty is the best of all the Batman adaptations. This is blasphemy, for any true fan of Batman will tell you that Joel Schumachers 1995 masterpiece Batman Forever is far and away the best Batman movie EVER!
Do any of the dreadful Tim Burton films feature a scene with a whiny security guard and boiling acid? I think not!
Did the Christopher Nolan debacle have a scene in which Batman fights a street gang who cover their faces in neon paint? NOPE!
Where were the bat nipples in the Burton and Nolan films? Schumacher's contribution to the series will be praised for years to come, where as the Burton and Nolan films will be completely forgotten.
Where were the funny one liners in Batman, Batman Returns, and Batman Begins? The opening of Batman Forever has one of the funniest exchanges in movie history:

Alfred: Might I persuade you to take a sandwich?
Batman: I'll get drive thru!

That is soooo funny! I remember I wet myself in the theatre after hearing this exchange. It's very Jack Sparrowesque in it's delivery and I love Jack Sparrow. Haw Haw! Other great lines include:

Prostitute: That's not Batman, that's more like Batboy.
Robin: I forgot my suit.

Batman: The circus must be halfway to Metropolis by now. (Get it, because Metropolis is the home of Superman.)

Riddler: Surf's up Big Kahuna! (Jim Carrey is a true delight in this movie.)

Then there's the brilliant commentary about how television is dumbing down America. In the film the Riddler invents a device that steals peoples thoughts while they are watching television. It's amazing how much depth Batman Forever truly has as opposed to the other films in the franchise. Therefore, I urge you all to throw away your copies of Batman, Batman Returns, and Batman Begins, blow the dust off your copy of Batman Forever and pop in your DVD player, you will not be sorry!

PASSES!

ALLRIGHT! My movie is out of focus, that means my bros and I will get passes! I love when things go wrong at the movie theatre, cause then I can complain and get movie passes from the management. Some times if I'm lucky I will get two passes, like the time my bros and I went to see The Mummy Returns. I remember the light bulb on the projector burned out and some dorky usher came in and told us we were going to be given passes; my bros and I started to chant "TWO! TWO! TWO!" The rest of the audience took our lead and we were given two passes! It was killer!
HEY, WHERE'S OUR PASSES? I want PASSES! What do you mean we're not getting any passes? The movie was out of focus for like FIFTEEN MINUTES! I mean c'mon, we deserved to be compensated for having to sit through this travesty. What lousy customer service! You just lost yourself a customer. C'mon bros, lets go to a bar and pick up some babes.

(Editors Note: The dude and his bros were unsuccessful in their attempt to pick up babes. They went back to theatre the following day to see Spider-Man 3. They complained that the sound system was all wrong and demanded passes for the inconvenience; they were not successful.)

This Cousin's Sub is delicious!
Yes, how I love my Cousin's Sub, if I could I would marry it. What's the sound? Who's there? Is that you Bartolemay? Bartolemy? Where are you hiding? If that you's Bartolemay, come on out and show yourself. No...you can't have my Cousin's sub. It's mine! Leave me alone! Where are you? Come on out and face me like a man or at least face me like a woman! Huh! Where's my Cousin's sub! CURSE YOU BARTOLEMAY! AHHHHHHH...there you are Bartolemay!

I just bought Eragon on DVD!

Does that make me cool or what? Eragon is such an original idea for a movie. I never read the books, but from what I heard they totally kick ass. I bought the special edition of Eragon, which means that not only do I get a director's commentary, but a couple of "Making Of" featurettes as well. I really need to know how the made Sapphira the dragon look so realistic. Special Edition DVDs kick ass! I still have to watch all the special features on my Extended edition of Lord of the Rings, but I'm sure they are awesome. How can they not be? I can't own a DVD that doesn't have special features. Where's the fun in that? I really wish the would release a two disc Special Edition of Encino Man, that would rock. I could feature commentary by Les Mayfield, Pauly Shore, Sean Astin, and Brendan Fraser. Hopefully, Criterion will read my blog and release it soon. Did I mention I bought Eragon on DVD! Did you know that Stan Lee created Spider-Man?

The 10 Dumbest quotes I have ever read/heard.

1. "I give Van Helsing three Fs for fun fuckin' film." - JoBlo.com in his review for the dreadful pile of shit Van Helsing.

2. "And kudos to Stephen Sommers for those creepy credits at the end." - Once again from the JoBlo review of Van Helsing.

3. "I told you I was a Jinx." - Halle Berry from the awful James Bond film Die Another Day.

4. "You can really feel the tension when the shoulder shifts halfway through the film." - A liberal minded college TA talking about an experimental film that is a five minute shot of a shoulder. The film is conveniently called Shoulder.

5. "I shouldn't have to write papers, I'm an artist." - A UWM film student bitching about how unfair it is that a genius like him should have to waste his time and energy on writing term papers.

6. "I like Star Wars because it is independent." - A UWM student writing about why he likes Star Wars, because as well all know if a film is independent it is automatically good.

7. "Homer's a good captain." - A nameless dumbass, talking about how he feels Homer Simpson would have been a good sea captain.

8. "I'm a liberal and an atheist!" - A smug college student, who some how feels she is so unique for being a liberal and an atheist. If I ever meet a liberal that isn't an atheist I would be impressed.

9. "I think we're seeing a movie." - a nameless blonde who made this comment while entering a movie theatre. Do you think?

10. "With out her braces, her boobs look a lot bigger." - Nameless manager at ol' North Shore cinema before it went to hell.

I'm sooooo psyched for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End.

OH MY GOD, only three and a half weeks until Pirates of the Caribben: At World's End comes out, I am so excited. I just can't wait to see what wacky adventures Jack Sparrow gets himself into this time. Johnny Depp is soooo HAWT! I sure hope him and Keira Knightley hook up in this movie, I mean as hot as Orlando Bloom may be, he is not Johnny Depp....er... I mean Jack Sparrow. I can't wait to see what role Captain Barbossa will play in this movie. I was shocked...shocked I say, when he appeared at the very end of Dead Men's Chest with that hilarious monkey on his shoulder and that apple in his hand. I was sooo delighted to see him that I applauded. I wonder if he's going to be a good guy in At World's End or return to his villainous ways? Delightful! Not since the Lord of the Rings trilogy has a film franchise made me so horny. I remember I had to control my masturbatory urges when Jack Sparrow made his entrance in Dead Man's Chest. It reminded me of the time in The Two Towers when Legolas surfed down the steps at Helm' s Deep on a shield, while firing arrows at the enemy. That moment kicked ass! Damn, I now have a stronge urge for some Burger King. I think I hear my glow in the dark Lord of the Rings glass goblet calling out to me. It's saying, "Fill me with Dr. Pepper!" Don't worry my faithful goblet you are not to behold, you are to be held. Haw Haw! That commercial was delightful. Where was I again?
As for Spider-Man 3, that movie looks gay. Tobey Maguire is simply not hot. The Spider-Man trilogy would have been so much better had Johnny Depp played the title role. Just imagine all the delightful antics and adlibs Johnny Depp would have come up with had he played Peter Parker. They also should have cast Orlando Bloom as Harry Osborne and Keira Knightley as Mary Jane Watson. That would be bad ass, just like Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. All I know is that come May 25th, I will be the first in line to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

OH MY GOD......Shrek 3 is coming out May 18. Oh this going to be a great May. The Shrek films are so delightful, especially when they throw in random pop-culture references, top 10 hit songs, and fart jokes. I totally loved how in the first Shrek they used the much loved Smash Mouth song "All Star" on the soundtrack when Shrek is getting ready for the day. I laughed so hard. OMG! However, I must confess that as good as the Shrek films are, they would have been so much better had Johnny Depp done the voice for the lead role. I love Johnny Depp. I wish he would dump that bitch of a wife and marry me. Johnny, if you're out there, I'm waiting for you. LOL! LMAO! ROFL! WTF! JEOMK!