Yesterday I watched the movie Legend. It was a GOOD movie. I was really stunned by it. I like fantasy movies; particularly ones that revolve around elves. I love elves. I love elves so much that I have begun to write my own fantasy novel entitled Elven Dragonslayers Meet the Amazionan Hotties. In my novel, a group of male elven dragonslayers are on a quest to kill Sarloff, the sadistic dragon; however they get sidetracked when they encounter GIRLS, Amazionian Hotties that wear absolutely nothing. It's by far the best novel I have ever worked on. It even tops my brilliant novel, "The Two Kings."

I hate new movies. Seriously, is there anything more lame than wasting two hours of your life, watching some recycled piece of garbage that you can essentially watch on every friggin' TV station. Recently, it seems that all the cinema has to offer is remakes, sequels, prequels, commercials in the form of movies, rip offs, spin offs, and Jude Law films. When did the cinema become so lame? What has the world come to when Nora Ephron can make an updated version of Bewitched, yet I am relegated to posting my thoughts on some half assed blog? I could easily write a screenplay to Bewitched. I'm just as talentless as Nora Ephron, maybe even more so. In fact, just to prove my point that it doesn't take talent to make a film, I wish to submit my screenplay for Bewitched. Enjoy!

INT. Daytime. The camera fades into a kitchen, where SAMANTHA the lovable witch is making breakfast for DARREN, her husband. Darren enters the kitchen fixing his tie.

Darren: Samantha, have you seen Garfield?

Samantha: No! I can't say that I have.

Darren: Oh! What's for breakfast?

Samantha: Taco Bell!

Darren: Samantha, I'm getting sick of Taco Bell.

Samantha: FINE!

Samantha wiggles her nose. The Taco Bell is transformed into McGriddles.

Darren: Now, that's more like it! I love McGriddles.

Samantha: Darren, I need to talk to you about something.

Darren: What?

Darren takes a sip from his coffee mug.

Samantha: I'm pregnant!

Darren spits out his coffee. He stumbles over a chair and lands on his head. He gets up, rubs his head a few times and faces Samantha.

Darren: WHAT?

Samantha: Yes! I'm pregnant and I want an abortion.

Darren: An abortion? That's not ethical!

Samantha: I don't care. I can't bring a child into this world.

Darren: But Jeannie....

Samantha: I'm Samantha.

Darren: Oh yeah! But Samantha, I want to have children.

Samantha: Fine, then you carry the child.

Samantha wiggles her nose. Darren looks down and sees that he is pregnant.

Darren: OH NO! OH NO! I can't live like this!

Darren jumps out a window. He manages to break both his legs, despite the fact that the window he jumped out of is five feet off the ground.

Just then Garfield walks in with a tray of lasagna.

Garfield: I hate Mondays.

The End!

You see, positive proof that it doesn't take talent to write a screenplay.

This weekend I drove up to Minneapolis to visit my friend Will. On Saturday we went to the Mall of America, which was positively a horrendous experience. The Mall of America sucks! Sure, it has an indoor amusement park and its the biggest mall in the states, but nonetheless it sucks ass. It is essentially your typical mall ten times the normal size. It has the same stores that can be found in every mall with ten times the crowd and noise. Will and I spent most of our time at the Barnes and Nobles located on the first floor. I bought three books, Michael Moore is a Big, Fat Stupid White Man, Reds, and The Guns of August. The only positive thing I can say about the Mall of America is that it was swarming with lots and lots of hot women, but even their presence couldn't make up for its severe shittiness. If you're ever in Minnesota, do yourself a favor and avoid The Mall of America. You will be thankful that you did.

Yesterday, I went to McDonald's and I ordered a Big Mac. They gave me a Double Cheeseburger. I said, "I ordered a Big Mac!" To which the old lady behind the counter replied, "Would you like some fries with that?" I said, "Why yes, that would be delightful." So they gave me fries and I was like, "Now, can I have my Big Mac." The old lady replied, "Oh, you want a Big Mac. OK! Would you like fries with that?" I said, "Why yes, that would be delightful." The old lady gave me fries and a Big Mac. I then walked over to a booth, I opened by Big Mac carton, only to find a Double Cheeseburger. WTF? I walked up to the counter and spoke to the manager, "Sir, I ordered a Big Mac; the lady gave me a Double Cheeseburger."
He said, "A Big Mac? We don't have Big Macs here!"
I said, "Isn't this McDonald's?"
"No, this is Burger King!"
"Son of a bitch!"
I then threw a huge temper tantrum. I hit the wall with my fist a few times and bloodied my knuckles. I kicked a garbage can with my foot and sprained my ankle. I then broke down in tears, screaming, "ALL I WANTED WAS A BIG MAC!" Then a teenager walked up to me and said, "Get a hold of yourself, you whiney pussy! If you want a Big Mac so badly, just go to McDonald's. It's right across the street." He then smacked me upside the head a few times and kicked me in the nose four times. He walked away laughing, I continued crying. Finally, after whining for half an hour, I retained my composure, got up, and walked over to McDonald's. I ordered a Big Mac, and it was far and away the best Big Mac I ever had.

FISH DAY

Yesterday was Fish Day. Fish Day is essentially a poor man's Summerfest held annually on the third Saturday of July, by the lakefront in the town of Port Washington. It's really just an excuse to get drunk, listen to bad music, eat fish, and litter. It's proudly known as the world's largest fish fry. I drove up to Fish Day with my friends, Brad, Peter and Will. We didn't really spend too much time at the festival, rather we went to my sister's house by the lakefront, ate food and drank beer. It was a pretty good time. We then walked down to the light house to watch the fireworks. However, instead of boring you to death with long, descriptive details about what we saw, I have decided to post pictures of the many sights you would encounter if you

went to Fish Day. Enjoy!

Yesterday, I was at Wal-Mart, looking through the 5.50 bin, when I saw the most gorgeous woman on the face of the planet. I kid you not! She was without the best looking woman I had laid my eyes upon. In the back of my mind I was wondering, "Why the hell is she at Wal-Mart?" Then I realized that her being at Wal-Mart is the last place any one would expect her to be. She came to Wal-Mart to get away from all the male gawkers that populate bars and clubs. I decided I would win her over with my charm. That's right, I, Bryan Goggins was finally going to get myself a girlfriend. She walked over to the pricier DVD rack, where movies cost $13.78. I slowly made my way towards her. I put a stick of Spearmint gum in my mouth, combed back my hair, and went in for the kill. She was holding a copy of Garfield in her hand.
"Do you like Garfield?" I asked her.

She looked at me, her face was overcomed with shock. She put down the DVD and walked away at a fast pace. "I must have come on too strong, "I thought. So I chased after her. She was now in the music section of the store.
I approached her again, "Do you like Britney Spears?"
Once again, she walked away without answering. Damn it! Why wasn't she responding?
I had to know why. I tapped her on the shoulder, she turned around and sighed.
"Miss, how come you won't answer my questions?"
She replied, "Because you're ugly!" Then she walked away. Hence, I realized that I would never make it with an attractive woman. So, I walked up to the middle aged woman at the register and asked, "Can I treat you to some McDonald's?"
She said, "I'm married, hon. Are you using credit or debit?"
Son of a bitch! I then went to my apartment, drank a beer, and sat on the couch, realizing this was the closest thing to a date I had ever been on. Then my room mate Peter came in and said, "I bought Constantine on DVD! It's dark, just like me!" He then started talking about how he met a bipolar, chicken killing, witch online and was supposed to meet her at the movie theatre. They were going to see Batman Begins. Boy, does my life suck! Or does it?

(Note: The woman I encountered did not look a thing like Elisha Cuthbert. However, the picture should give you an idea just how gorgeous the woman was. Plus, I needed an excuse to post a picture of Elisha Cuthbert on my blog.)

I hate VH1. VH1 is so awful that is almost rivals MTV for being the most asinine television station on the planet. Like MTV, it used to focus on music, now you have such god awful shows like The Surreal Life, The Fabulous Life Of, and other crap in constant rotation. Not to mention all those damn lists they compose every year.
Therefore, I would like to make a prediction as to what new shows we can look forward to in the future:

I Love the '00s (2000-2005).
The 100 Greatest Lists of VH1
Awesomely Bad Shows About Awesomely Bad Songs
Celebrity Sex Change
The Flavor Flav and Vanilla Ice Comedy Hour
Behind The Music: Baha Men
Totally Not Christian Rock
Celebrity Fast Food Celebrity Hair Style
Hip Hop: Where It is Today and Where it is Headed
Top 40 Breasts in Music

Celebrities Are So Much Better Than You!

I hate VH1.

(VH1 has announced that there will be more shows about Britney Spears. )

SUMMERFEST!

Last week I went to Summerfest not once, but twice which is a new record for me. Any ways, I went Last Tuesday with my roommate Peter. Pictured here:

Any ways, Peter and I took a bus from Waukesha down to the Summerfest grounds. The first thing we did when we arrived was buy a nice glass of beer. After all, what is Summerfest without brew? We were drinking our beer, when I received a phone call on my cell phone.

(Note: This is a picture of me on my cell phone at a party two years ago. We did not have the time to take a picture of me on my cellphone at Summerfest. Sorry, for the crappy visual.)

It was my friend Andrea. She had come down from Madison to see the rock group STYX. She called me to say that she had arrived with her friends and that we should meet up with her. Peter and I drank our beers and then hurried off to the Potowatami Classic Rock stage. It took us about ten minutes to weave through the heavy traffic of teenagers, Goths, drunks, Summerfest sluts, and various people in the crowd; we arrived at the Classic Rock stage, but I could not find Andrea. So, I called her on my cellphone. She told me via cellphone that she was near a lemonade stand (no visual). So we met up with her and her Madison friends (no visuals).

Here is a picture of Andrea:

We waited anxiously for STYX to take the stage. After waiting about half an hour, STYX finally arrived. I was excited, I could hardly contain my enthusiasm. I screamed at the top my lungs, hoping, praying they would play the much beloved classic "Mr. Roboto." However, I decided before I could enjoy STYX, I needed another beer, as did Peter and Andrea's boyfriend, Garrett. Therefore, it was decided I would go on a beer run. The beer tent was less than twenty feet away from us. It took me about fifteen minutes to get there. When I finally got through all the mullets, cleavage, cuss words and sweat, I saw that it cost five dollars for a bottle of Miller Lite. I was reluctant to pay at first, but I realized that I was chosen by my peers (Peter and Garrett) to go on a beer run. I could not fail them. I bought three Miller Lites, which costs fifteen dollars. I made my way back, instead of going through the crowd of mullets, cleavage, cuss words, and sweat, I decided I would cut around the back. I did and it took me less than two minutes to return to my spot. With a beer in my hand, I was ready for STYX. They began to play. Silence came over the crowd as they belted the first line from "Lady." Then they sang a song I never heard of, and another, and another. They did a cover of The Beatles song, "I am the Walrus," which may have been the worst Beatles cover I have ever heard. They even did a Crosby, Stills, and Nash song. They were overstaying their welcome; the only two songs I wanted to hear were "Come Sail Away" and "Mr. Roboto." After waiting nearly an hour, they played "Come Sail Away." I sang along like an idiot, much to the embarrassment of Andrea and the rest of the group. With one song out of the way, all I needed was to hear "Mr. Roboto" and I would be one happy camper. It was nearly 9:30; surely they would play "Mr. Roboto" in a few minutes. They didn't! Maybe, they would play it as an encore. They didn't! That's right, STYX did not play "Mr. Roboto." I felt robbed as did every one else. If you are STYX, you sure as hell better play "Mr. Roboto,"as it is one of the only few songs any one knows by you. But instead, they opted to torture the audience with a few new songs. I'm so glad my parents gave me tickets to Summerfest, or I would have broken down in tears over the money I had wasted. Damn you STYX! Next time you play a gig, you best play "Mr. Roboto" or else there will be high hell to play. What's even more upsetting is that they did a teaser for "Mr. Roboto" half way through the show. They sang the opening line to the song, got every one excited, and then broke into a new song. It was horrible, just horrible. Oh well, that is part one of my Summerfest adventure. If I feel the need, I will talk about all the misadventures I got into last Thursday.

I love science fiction films of the 50s. Here are a few of my favorite
titles. If you do not like 50s sci-fi, oh well, it is your loss.

I have come to the realization that there are three people who read my blog. This is a rather amazing turn out, much more than I expected. Therefore, I have decided that I should reward these three loyal readers with a gift. However, I have no idea what to get each of them. I thought about buying them ice cream, but it's not something that will last a life time. Nay, they must be giving something that will show my apprecation until the end of time. If you have any ideas as to what I should give the three of you, please let me know. I will give you anything you wish, except: money, women, fame, power, and anything else that costs more than ten dollars. In fact, how do I know the three of you won't ditch out on me for another blog after I have giving you your gifts. How I do know you're not just waiting for your gift and once you get it, bail on me. Isn't my words enough of a gift? Here I am slaving hours on the blog, hoping to bring a little joy to your lives, and you want more from me? How can you be so selfish? Screw you, I'm going to get drunk.

Oh wait, I am drunk. Damn it!

Future TV shows that will be made into movies:

It seems that it has become the latest trend for Hollywood to make TV Shows into full length, live action movies. This year alone we have seen TV shows like The Honeymooners, Bewitched, and The Dukes of Hazzards being adapted to the big screen. Given this current trend, it's only a matter of time before Hollywood starts adapting more TV shows into full length films. Here are my predictions as to what TV shows will be next in line to be given the big screen treatment:

I Love Lucy
Cast: Antonio Banderas (Ricky), Melanie Griffith(Lucy), Susan Sarandon(Ethel Mertz), Dan Aykroyd(Fred Mertz).
Synopsis: In this hilarious update of the much beloved TV show, Lucy joins a country singing group which sky rockets to the top of the charts, much to Ricky's chagrin. When Lucy goes on a cross country tour with her band, it threatens to destroy her marriage with Ricky. Can true love conquer all? Find out this fall!

The Jetsons
Cast: Jim Carrey (George Jetson), Diane Lane (Jane Jetson), Hilary Duff (Judy Jetson), Cayden Boyd (Elroy), Danny DeVito(Mr. Spacely).
Synopsis: Every one's favorite family from the future is back, and in an all new hilarious adventure for the whole family. In this much anticipated live action adaptation of the Hanna Barbara cartoon, George Jetson is promoted to manager at Spacely's factory. Will his new position put a cog in his family life? Hilary Duff sings the HIT song "Your Love Is Out of this World."

Girls Gone Wild
Cast: Doug Stanhope, Pauly Shore.
Synopsis: Doug Stanhope and Pauly Shore go across America to find sexy college co-eds who are willing to bare all. When they are not coercing girls into taking off their clothes, the wacky duo attempt to surf board off the California coast with hilarious results. Will this trip effect their friendship?
PS: While technically not a TV show, there are countless Girls Gone Wild informercials on TV.

Saved By the Bell
Cast: Jason Biggs (Screech Powers), Freddie Prinze, Jr. (Zack Morris), Zoe Saldana (Lisa Turtle), Mila Kunis (Kelly Kapowski), Breckin Myer (A.C. Slater), Jennifer Love Hewitt (Jessie Spangler), Chevy Chase (Mr. Belding).
Synopsis: Your favorite high school friend are back in this fun filled adventure every one will love. Zack is discovered by a talent agent while playing the lead role in the high school play, he now must decide whether or not to leave Bayside to pursue an acting career. Meanwhile, Mr. Belding needs to raise money to prevent Bayside from being torn down by evil contractors. Will Zack leave? Is this the end of Bayside? Can the Zack Attack survive with out its lead singer? Find out next spring.

Saturday Night Live: The Movie
Cast: The current cast of SNL.
Synopsis: The cast of SNL is given two hours to tickle your funny bone with their special brand of humor. Watch for cameos by: Lindsay Lohan, John Travolta, Dan Aykroyd, Britney Spears, Jim Belushi, Will Farrell, Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Leslie Nielsen, Skeet Ulrich, Mike Myers, Tom Hanks, Kevin Spacey, Christopher Walken, and many, many others.

Surreal Life: The Movie
Cast: Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Peter Scolari, Sebastian Bach, Debbie Gibson, Zach Galligan, Roseanne, Lark Voorhies.
Synopsis: Former celebrities are forced to live in the same house together with wild results.

I may be off in my predictions, but we all know eventually that these shows will be made into movies. Beware!

GWF's 10 greatest movie quotes ever.

1. "I can't believe you bought Long Shot!" - Long Shot (a masterpiece of postmodernism cinema that has unjustly been overlooked.)
2. "No, it's because I'm so in love with you." - Star Wars Episode III
3. "You like pain? Try wearing a corset!" Pirates of the Caribbean
4. "WOOOOHHHHH!" - Chilly Dogs
5. "MAHONEY!" - Police Academy 1 - 4
6. "HEY BUDDY!" - Every Pauly Shore film
7. "How wude!" Star Wars Episode I
8. "Hey Scotty, beam me up another beer!" Carnivore (A true masterpiece of horror.)
9. "HOLD THE JELLO!" - Teen Wolf
10. "Weird man, how weird?" The Heavenly Kid (TV version)

Yes, these are without a doubt ten of the greatest quotes EVER! No matter how you look at it, these are examples of screen writing at its absolute best. Thank you.

I hate picture phones! I hate people who constantly have the urge to take out their stupid cell phone and take pictures on them. Not only is it annoying, but the pictures themselves always look like crap. "Look, I took a picture of my girlfriend eating ice cream! Ha Ha! Granted, the lighting is really bad and you can hardly make her out, but that's beside the point. I got a picture phone." It used to be phones existed for the sole purpose of talking to people, now it seems people refuse to own a phone that doesn't let them download songs from the internet!
"You're cellphone can't download music, how pathetic is that!"
"You're cellphone only has enough memory space for twelve pictures, mine can fit 13."
"I can watch MTV on my cellphone."
In less than five years there will be a cellphone that will also act as a vibrator, death ray, tooth brush, toilet paper, and television set all rolled into one. It will cost over $20,000, but people will buy it none the less. I miss the good old days when people just used to talk on phones. To quote Brian Wilson, "I guess I just wasn't made for these days."

It's such a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining, the temperature is just perfect and there are so many outdoor festivities going on. It's so beautiful that I have decided I will see a movie. I could go outside and enjoy the weather, but I really need to see War of the Worlds at this very moment. I know it will be in theatres for at least another month or so, but I can't wait that long to see it. Sure, the rest of the forecast for the week is rain, but I would rather see War of the Worlds on a beautiful day like today. This kind of warm weather gives me a reason to sit in an air conditioned building, thus preventing myself from sweating profusely. Also, when I am at the theatre I can buy soda to quench my thirst and popcorn that can fill my empty stomach. I love movies. I wish my life were a movie. If it were, it would be directed by Steven Spielberg, in a 2.35:1 ratio with color by Technicolor. Well, time for me to go. EWWWWWWWWW, I love popcorn!

Top Ten Overrated Films, Part II (warning: this post contains spoilers for certain films)

6. Bowling For Columbine - What can you say about a film that won the Oscar for Best Documentary yet doesn't have a single word of truth in it? Pretty pathetic. I thoroughly despise Michael Moore, not necessarily because of his belief, but because of he manages to simplify everything in terms of good and bad. If you agree with his position, you are good, if you disagree then you are evil. The film itself never has a clear argument, it's all over the place. Michael Moore makes bold statements, but his argument is nowhere to be seen. At first it seems Michael Moore is taking an anti-gun position by ridiculing gun owners and how easy it is to get guns. Yet his argument falls flat when he shows how Canada is just as gun crazy as America, yet practically has no gun related deaths. His sequence about 9/11 backs up the notion guns are not the villains, but people are. After all, there was not one gun was pulled on 9/11, yet thousands of people died. At one point in the movie, he dismissed the idea that Marilyn Manson music violent video games caused the teenagers to shoot their fellow classmates at Columbine. However, later on in the film, he boldly states that violence in the news is responsible for the rise in homicide. According to Moore, teenagers are impressionable and what they see on the news causes them to turn towards violence. However, if the teenagers are as impressionable as Moore states, then wouldn't video games and Marilyn Manson music have the same effect? How can one form of media be harmless, yet another harmful? The greatest irony in the film is that Michael Moore criticize the news for its negative portrayal of American society, yet Moore does the exact same thing in Bowling For Columbine. There are so many things wrong with this "documentary" but it would take hours to write it all down.

7. Fight Club - Why is it so many movies from 1999 were prematurely labeled as "masterpieces" and "classics." People talk about Fight Club as if it were one of the most amazing achievements ever put on film. Yet, for a film that has been praised by so many people, it's filled with huge plot holes and heavy handed moralizing this side of Cecil B. DeMille. The main problem derives from the "twist" that is revealed at the films conclusion, that Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) and the Ed Norton character are one and the same. Tyler is Norton's alter ego, the man he wishes he could be. The problem with this twist is that it makes one look back at earlier segments in the film, thus revealing how very little sense it makes. If were to accept this twist, then Fight Club was started because two men witnessed Norton's character beating the crap out of himself and were compelled to join. Doesn't that seem a bit problematic that a huge army could have its start from a rather idiotic beginning? I think if any one saw a man beating the crap out of himself in an ally, they would be inclined to run away, not ask him, "Hey can I join?" It's a suspension of disbelief I can't buy into, no matter how hard I try. The other problem I have with the film is that it's first hour and forty minutes are devoted to showing just how awful mankind truly is, then in the last forty, Norton comes to the realization that humanity isn't so bad after all. We get a sequence where he mourns over Meat Loaf, trying to explain to every one that Meat Loaf was a true person, not just another faceless soldier in an army. Fight Club has a lot to recommend, the two leads are compelling and there good moments scattered through out, but its about time people stop raving about how wonderful it is.

8. Forrest Gump - How can one hate possibly hate a touching film like Forrest Gump, you might ask? The answer because there's no one character that I can relate to. Forrest is almost too angelic, his mental handicap makes him an innocent in a world that has lost it's innocence. Forrest Gump manages to maintain his goodness, despite all the death, decadence, and other evils that surround him. I'm sorry, but any one could have played Forrest Gump. Tom Hanks some how won an Oscar for talking reeaaaaallly slloooooowwwww, while the other candidates that year were over looked because they played characters that actually had depth to them. He's seen doing remarkable things through out the course of the film, yet no one recognizes him on the park bench. Jenny is supposed to be a sympathetic character, yet she comes off as being a complete whore. It remains to be seen whether she genuinely loves Forrest, or just uses him because she knows he will take her back. Then again, this is a Robert Zemeckis film, therefore she must genuinely love him. If her love was questionable, we might actually have a complicated film on our hands. Instead, we get a life affirming film that makes sure to wring as many tears from us as possible without ever earning them.

9. Dracula (1931) -I'm a huge fan of the Universal monster collection and it is with great reluctance that I include this film on my list, but after seeing Tod Browning's Dracula again, I have come to the conclusion that it is grossly over -rated. This first twenty minutes set in Transylvania are great. The sets are very atmospheric, Bela Lugosi is suitably creep as the count and Dwight Frye is a perfect Renfield, however after this sequence ends, it's all down hill from here. My main problem with Dracula is that it is way too stagy; it often feels like you are watching a photographed stage play. The film plays out in extremely long takes, actors recite their lines, facing the camera like they were performing in front of a live audience. It's an extremely slow moving film, granted most films of that period are slow compared to today's films, but this one really creaks. It's only 75 minutes long, yet it seems like it will never end. It doesn't help that the audience never sees any of Dracula's deeds, only hears about them. It's not a bad film, but it's not the classic many film historians would have you believe it is.

10. The Last Samurai - What could have possibly been an intriguing story about the Japanese feudal culture, and the life of a samurai warrior (Ken Watanabe) gets lost in yet another Tom Cruise star vehicle. Seriously, Tom Cruise undermines any validity this film might have. He's not bad, but his star power undermines everything in the film. In every scene there must be a close up of Tom Cruise. He's not even allowed to die at the films' climactic battle, because that would go against audience expectations. It's hard to get into a story when the filmmaker keeps reminding you that he has a huge star in his film. Look, it's Tom Cruise fighting in a samurai battle, look how great he is? What a performance, he should win an Oscar! Poor Ken Watanabe, he's about the only thing that kept this film from sucking.

Thus ends my top 10 overrated films list. There are plenty of more where those came from, but I would rather focus my time and energy on discussing something else. Thank you!