Yesterday, I was at Wal-Mart, looking through the 5.50 bin, when I saw the most gorgeous woman on the face of the planet. I kid you not! She was without the best looking woman I had laid my eyes upon. In the back of my mind I was wondering, "Why the hell is she at Wal-Mart?" Then I realized that her being at Wal-Mart is the last place any one would expect her to be. She came to Wal-Mart to get away from all the male gawkers that populate bars and clubs. I decided I would win her over with my charm. That's right, I, Bryan Goggins was finally going to get myself a girlfriend. She walked over to the pricier DVD rack, where movies cost $13.78. I slowly made my way towards her. I put a stick of Spearmint gum in my mouth, combed back my hair, and went in for the kill. She was holding a copy of Garfield in her hand.
"Do you like Garfield?" I asked her.
She looked at me, her face was overcomed with shock. She put down the DVD and walked away at a fast pace. "I must have come on too strong, "I thought. So I chased after her. She was now in the music section of the store.
I approached her again, "Do you like Britney Spears?"
Once again, she walked away without answering. Damn it! Why wasn't she responding?
I had to know why. I tapped her on the shoulder, she turned around and sighed.
"Miss, how come you won't answer my questions?"
She replied, "Because you're ugly!" Then she walked away. Hence, I realized that I would never make it with an attractive woman. So, I walked up to the middle aged woman at the register and asked, "Can I treat you to some McDonald's?"
She said, "I'm married, hon. Are you using credit or debit?"
Son of a bitch! I then went to my apartment, drank a beer, and sat on the couch, realizing this was the closest thing to a date I had ever been on. Then my room mate Peter came in and said, "I bought Constantine on DVD! It's dark, just like me!" He then started talking about how he met a bipolar, chicken killing, witch online and was supposed to meet her at the movie theatre. They were going to see Batman Begins. Boy, does my life suck! Or does it?
(Note: The woman I encountered did not look a thing like Elisha Cuthbert. However, the picture should give you an idea just how gorgeous the woman was. Plus, I needed an excuse to post a picture of Elisha Cuthbert on my blog.)
I approached her again, "Do you like Britney Spears?"
Once again, she walked away without answering. Damn it! Why wasn't she responding?
I had to know why. I tapped her on the shoulder, she turned around and sighed.
"Miss, how come you won't answer my questions?"
She replied, "Because you're ugly!" Then she walked away. Hence, I realized that I would never make it with an attractive woman. So, I walked up to the middle aged woman at the register and asked, "Can I treat you to some McDonald's?"
She said, "I'm married, hon. Are you using credit or debit?"
Son of a bitch! I then went to my apartment, drank a beer, and sat on the couch, realizing this was the closest thing to a date I had ever been on. Then my room mate Peter came in and said, "I bought Constantine on DVD! It's dark, just like me!" He then started talking about how he met a bipolar, chicken killing, witch online and was supposed to meet her at the movie theatre. They were going to see Batman Begins. Boy, does my life suck! Or does it?
(Note: The woman I encountered did not look a thing like Elisha Cuthbert. However, the picture should give you an idea just how gorgeous the woman was. Plus, I needed an excuse to post a picture of Elisha Cuthbert on my blog.)
3 comments:
Beer makes a better girlfriend than any girl I've ever met thus far.
You should've bought Garfield and invited me over for an evening full of Breckiny goodness.
Goggins, wtf, you having the balls to ask a woman out? What, I claim you are making this up! However, if you are not, then bully for you! You are going to have to realize that rejection happens 90% of the time. But whatever, what the hell do I know.
Oh, man!
You should have told to that bitch: "yes,I know I'm ugly, and that's why I just try to pick up with ugly girls like you".
Fuck them! Who wants them when you have a glass of beer and a great rock'n'roll album playing in your CD?? (yes, it's not exactly the same, but...)
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