I need to get laid! But, when it comes to women I am completely clueless. How does one get laid? I've tried everything, but to no avail. Yesterday, I walked up to a girl and said, "Do you want to have sex?" She then laughed at me for minutes. Then her girlfriends show up, she told them what I said and they all laughed at me for five minutes. It was rather humiliating! What do I have to do to get laid?
Earlier today, I bought a girl a tray of nachos, convinced that she would reward this kind gesture with a trip to the bedroom. Sadly, she walked into the movie and sat down next to some tall, round headed muscular guy who kept calling her "dude." I got so mad that from the exit door I yelled, "BITCH!" and then ran away! Why can't I get laid?
Even when I have offered to pay for sex, I have failed. I once approached a hooker, gave her $200, she got in my car, pushed me out the door and drove off! Not only was I out $200, but I had no mode of transportation; consequently I was fired from my job. Boy, does my life suck! It does suck! And it's not the kind of sucking I want! DAMN IT!

If my life were a movie, I would probably have gotten laid at this point in my life. Even Jason Biggs got laid! If Jason Biggs can get laid, why can't I?