I'm so excited that the Bears are 5 - 6, that means they have a shot at making the play offs. Since, they have replaced that no good Brian Griese for the time tested Rex Grossman that means they are sure to get in as a wild card. Unlike Griese, Grossman has played in the post-season, he knows the pressure that comes with a play off game. Ladies and gentlemen the Bears are for real! Just like they were the last two seasons and in 1985. Do you remember the 1985 Bears? Us Chicago Bears fans can never forget what a magical year that was. Do you remember Super Bowl XX? I sure as hell can ever forget the sight of seeing Jim McMahon rushing for two touchdowns. This was a magical team folks. I mean, the Packers never went 15-1, hence, that means the 1985 Bears were the best team EVER! I know sports writers will tell you that the 1972 Dolphins were the best team ever, because they went undefeated and this years Patriots might be the greatest team ever assembled, but that is all hogwash. Did the 1972 Dolphins have the deadly 46 zone defense? I think not. Do the 2007 Patriots have Walter Payton on their team? NO! When you factor in these two equations one is forced to admit that the 1985 Bears were the greatest team of all time. Far more fearsome that the 1996 Packers, who were just frauds posing as champions.

PS: I know a few weeks ago I was excited that the Bears benched Grossman in favor of Brian Griese, well since then I've come to the realization that Grossman is the quarterback for us. He's learned a lot since coming off the bench and it wouldn't surprise me if he gets voted into the pro-bowl and wins league MVP. He was totally robbed of both honors last year.

Tony Romo is delightful!

Tomorrow Tony Romo takes on Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers, it's bound to be a great game. As we all know Tony Romo is from Wisconsin, which means he MUST be a Brett Favre fan. How can he not be? After all he's from Wisconsin and as we all know all Wisconsinites love Brett Favre. And Bart Starr. But Tony Romo didn't grow up watching Bart Starr, he grew up watching Brett Favre, because Tony Romo is from Wisconsin and all Wisconsinites watch Brett Favre.
The Romo/Favre comparison is inevitable seeing as how Tony Romo grew up in Wisconsin, but Romo reminds me more of that delightful pirate Jack Sparrow, than he does Brett Favre.
Like Jack Sparrow you can't tell if he is ad libbing a play or if that is how he planned it all along; like that botched snap against St. Louis, in which the center snapped the ball over his head and he evaded defenders to get the coveted first down. That was very Jack Sparrowesque. It was delightful. Not since Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End has something brought such a huge smile to my face. Did I mention Tony Romo is from Wisconsin? And that he loves Brett Favre? I did. It's staggers the mind that a small town Wisconsin kid could achieve so much success in so little time. It's kind of like how Jack Sparrow went from being a lovable misfit to being the captain of his own pirate ship. Delightful!
I hope there is a fourth Pirates film, that way Tony Romo can be cast as Jack Sparrow's delightful younger brother Jake. That would be awesome. Not as awesome as Wisconsin's own Tony Romo taking on Green Bay legend Brett Favre in the NFC Champsionship game, but close.

Why is it no one remembers my name?

Hi ya Folks! Remember me? No! It's me Jackie Vernon! Does that name ring a bell just a little bit? Not even a tiny tad? C'mon folks, it's me Jackie Vernon, I did the voice of Frosty the fuckin' snowman for chrissake! Now do you remember? No, John Goodman did the voice of Frosty in that awful sequel Frosty's Winter Wonderland. I on other hand am the real deal. I'm Jackie Vernon. C'mon, why is so hard to remember my name? I brought joy to millions of little children with my definitive interpretation of every one's favorite magical snowman. Not only did I the original Frosty, but I did a sequel called Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July, in which Rudolph and Frosty (me) join a circus. Frosty also has a snow wife and two snow children in that movie. It's pretty good, just like me, Jackie Vernon.

Are you the one they call Beowulf?

Every time I see the preview for the upcoming movie Beowulf, I want to punch something. Not since Van Helsing has a trailer for a movie filled me with such murderous rage. Every time I hear the line, "Are you the one they call Beowulf?" my face turns red, I begin to foam at the mouth, and then start tearing apart my room. The film looks horrible. The character animation looks creepy, just like Robert Zemeckis' other CGI crapfest The Polar Express. These characters look like mannequins. Their eyes are lifeless, their body gestures are stiff, and their faces convey very little emotion. Though knowing how desperate moviegoers are for entertainment, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if this unwatchable mess grossed over 200 million dollars.
It's sad to know that they are a bunch of "bros" out there who genuinely want to see this film. I could just see them with their Seattle Seahawks jerseys on, watching the TV when the preview comes on and thinking, "Wow, this movie looks bad ass! Go Seahawks!" Then breaking into tears when the Seahawks lose yet another game.
Robert Zemeckis needs to be stopped!

Why are sports writers such idiots?

A few days ago I watched the ESPN show Around the Horn, and one of the topics that came up was whether or not the Packers are the best team in the NFC. If you have not seen Around the Horn it is a show in which four sport writers debate on various sports topics and are awarded points if they can make valid arguments. Any ways, practically all of the sports writers dismissed the Packers mainly because they haven't played any tough teams. Which team did the pick as being the elite NFC team? The New York Giants, which begs the question: What teams have the Giants beaten? Let's see: the Redskins, the Eagles, the Jets, the Falcons, the 49ers, and the Miami Dolphins. Out of all the six teams listed above, only the Redskins having a winning record. Every one has been talking about how much the Giants defense has improved, but has it really improved? Is it really a surprise that the Giants shut down the 49ers and the Dolphins offenses?
These teams don't exactly have great offenses, yet all these sports writers act as if the Giants have beaten the Patriots or the Colts. How can these sports writers say the Packers are not for real because they haven't beaten "any body," yet keep heaping all sorts of praise on the Giants who haven't beaten "any body" either? I hate sports writers. Their way of determining whether a team is good or not is to look at how well the team performed the previous season. Therefore because the Bears made it to the Super Bowl in the previous season, it only stands to reason they are going to be good this season. Where as the Packers were 8-8 last season, therefore there's no way they are going to make the play offs. MORONS! Sports writers know about as much as the average fan, yet they get paid far more for their useless tidbits. OH WELL! I'm just happy to see the Packers are 6 -1, regardless of whether or not they are the best team in the NFC.

Which Jessica do I like more?

It is so hard for me to decide whether I like Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel more, because they are such AMAZING actresses. Did you see Jessica Alba's hilarious turn in the brilliant Dane Cook comedy Good Luck Chuck; her pratfalls were so good that I nearly wet myself with laughter. Tears kept streaming from my eyes, because it's was sooooo funny! But as good as Alba is, she's never done anything quite as profound as Jessica Biel's turn in the 2005 masterpiece Stealth. Biel plays an air force pilot, who's not only sexy, but tough. She is not your typical damsel in distress, no sir, she's a complete hard ass who also looks good in a bikini. And who could forget her immortal line, "Just tell me you love me you pussy."
I sure hope the two Jessicas make a movie together, that would kick ass. They could play smart, independent bikini clad detectives who solve mysteries, while hoping to catch the perfect wave. It would be brilliant. Hell, maybe the third Jessica (Jessica Simpson) could make a guest appearance as a bikini clad mathematician who holds the key to solving the main mystery. Wow, that sounds like a good movie. In could also have a wacky subplot involving skateboarders trying to pick up girls, but wasting most of their energy eating hot dogs. Man, I'm a roll.

GREATEST COMMERCIAL EVER!!!!

A Three part post:

Part I.
Is it OK for an atheist to scream, "OH MY GOD," while having sex? This is an issue which has bothered me for years. If you don't believe in God, why are you calling out his name during fornication? I mean, couldn't you find something else to scream like, "OH YES! OH YES!" Or how about it, "FUCKIN' A! HARDER!" But no, these atheists must always blaspheme the Lord by screaming, "OH MY GOD!" over and over. Darn you atheists, leave my god out of your love making. I know when I'm fucking some random woman on the street, I am not calling out to my God. And I make damn sure she isn't either. After all, you should show respect to the Lord.

Part II.
And while I'm on the subject: Why do women like such shitty music? I mean, what's up with that? Seriously, this one girl I know likes Dave Matthews because in her own words he is, "deep and stuff." Why is he deep? Because he sings boring lyrics while strumming an acoustic guitar? WOW! I guess if you compare Dave Matthews to Justin Timberlake, then he would come off as deep. What's with women and their odd obsession with guys who play acoustic guitars? Every time you see one of the ass clowns at a coffee shop chances are he is surrounded by women who are in awe of his "talent." Then he sings a song about how he was hurt by a previous girlfriend and all the girls are like, "OH POOR GUY! I would never treat him so shabbily." Then he hooks up with some random woman in the crowd and treats her shabbily.

Part III.

I hate musicians! I hate artists! The only good artists are the ones who make low brow fart comedies for the masses and willingly admit that they are doing it all for the money. I respect people who can admit that they are greedy, unlike the true "artists" who don't care about money, but you know are doing it to express themselves, while charging an arm and leg for the public to see their latest unimpressive art exhibit. I can't stand artists!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bears are BACK!!!!

Now that the Bears have benched that no good Rex Grossman, they are bound to win the Super Bowl with the time tested Brian Griese. Unlike Grossman, Griese has lots of NFL experience. He has played on three other teams: The Broncos, Buccaneers, and the Dolphins. Sure, he's never started in the post-season, but that besides the point, unlike Grossman he will not LOSE games for your defense. His mechanics are solid. He's bound to breathe life into this struggling team. Ladies and gentlemen the Bears will be for real...eventually. Then all us Bears fans can relive 1985 all over again.

Incidentally, Brett Favre SUCKS! I don't care if he tied Dan Marino's record for most TD passes or has the most consecutive starts as a QB, he is not Brian Griese. I don't see him breathing life into struggling offense. He didn't play in the Super Bowl last year...oh wait neither did Griese. But the point is Brett Favre is washed up. His Packers may lead our division, but their days are numbered once Griese takes the first snap. I just watched PTI and Tony Kornheiser seems to be excited that Griese is the Bears starting quarterback, if Tony Kornheiser is excited then it's shoe in that the Bears are going to the Super Bowl. After all, last year he called them a team of destiny after their miracle win against the Arizona Cardinals.

Us Bears fans can finally take pride in our team, not that we ever lost it. I mean, we had our doubts, but with Grossman out of the equation their bound to be good again...I think. Maybe.
What?

I wish my girlfriend wasn't imaginary, because she would be so hot. I mean really, she would really make heads turn, but sadly she is just a figment of my imagination and no one can see her but I.
I remember when I first imagined her, it was a bright Sunday morning, the birds were chirping and then I thought to myself, "It would be so awesome to have a girlfriend." And just like that she appeared. It was a magical moment, almost as magical as that one scene in Mission to Mars in which the guy fixes the space ship with a tube of Dr. Pepper. I said, "What's your name?" She said, "I don't know, what do you want my name to be?" I said, "Sally." She said, "OK!" We went on a long walk and I told her all the heroic deeds I performed playing World of Warcraft. I told her how my Elf character Rackstack killed over 300 ogres single handedly. She was impressed. We then made out on a bench. This old couple passing by gave me an odd look, I replied, "Have you forgotten what's like to be in love?" They quickly ran away. Who are they to judge? Who are they? Fuckin' old timers! Why don't the stick to playing Bingo and leave us young lovers alone? Wait, I forgot my girlfriend is imaginary. DAMN IT! At least she's hot imaginary girlfriend. Or so I think? Actually, she's pretty average, but that's OK! She's like the Spider-Man 3 of imaginary girlfriends, not particularly good, but not bad either.
Wait, didn't I begin this post by saying my imaginary girlfriend would so hot if she was real. OOPS! My mistake!

Fighting the infestation was one of many problems, for there were six of us and we only had enough food to last three days at best. How would we survive? It was decided that in order to live one of us would have to die. But who would it be? Joe? Terry? Jim? Walter? Alice? Me? Well, it certainly wasn't me, for I am telling you this story right now. It couldn't be Alice, for she was the only female in the group. That narrows it down to four. Joe was a mechanic, therefore his skills might (and did) come use. Terry was a doctor, therefore he was indispensable. Jim was an alcoholic and Walter was an actor. It was decided one of the two had to go. Jim was a rather fun alcoholic, where as Walter was an annoying Method actor, who constantly repeated to himself, "I am a farmer. I am a farmer." It was decided Walter had to die.
Now how to go about doing it. We told Walter that we desperately wanted him to recite a scene from "Hamlet." He got in the corner, rubbed his temples, and started repeating to himself, "I am Hamlet." Then I crept up behind him and chopped off his head. Of course, after doing so, I learned that the infestation of giant rodents had been defeated, thus making Walter's murder absolutely unnecessary. Then again, no one seemed to care that he was gone.
Walter used to ramble on about how he got rave notices for his portrayal of Will in the high school production of "The Great Easter Egg Hunt." He would ramble about how all the woman fell in love with his sensitive depiction of a love torn intellect caught in a town full of hicks. He also bragged about his ability to improvise, like one time he forgot his line, so after stuttering for a full thirty seconds he came up with this gem, "Have you seen my wallet?" It got a huge applause from the audience or so he said. I later ran into some one who actually saw the play and she said that no one laughed at that line, rather every one in the audience groaned. Which begs the question, what good are actors? Why do they feel there work is so important? Why good are they accomplishing? I could understand acting as a hobby, but as a career? What the hell? Thankfully, Walter could no longer bore us will his long winded soliloquies or horrible slap stick routines. He was as dead as a door nail, just like the greedy Jacob Marley.
Meanwhile, after having successfully survived the giant rat infestation I decided it was time for me to propose to Alice. I popped the question at a Brewers game and she responded by shoving a hot dog in my face and kicking me in the groin. She broke my heart, but all the pain went away after seeing the Brewers destroy the Pirates 12 to 3. It was a great game. Well, great for all the Brewers fans any ways.
I was leaving the stadium in a drunken haze, when I noticed something in the corner of my eye. I looked to my left and ....gasp...saw a giant rat scrounging through the garbage. I realized that this was my moment to shine. I took tip toed to my car, buckled up, turned the ignition key, and slammed my foot on the gas petal. I was going to run the mother fucker down. Unfortunately, I left my car in park and the damn thing realizing what I was up to ran away. I had failed, much like Charlie Brown did when trying to pick a Christmas tree. The only difference is that in the end Charlie Brown didn't really fail after all, and the tree turned out to be a beautiful one once it was shown a little love and caring. On the other hand, no love and caring would make a giant rat beautiful. Or would it?
I bought a huge block of cheese from the local grocery store and proceeded to search the streets for this giant rat. My hope was that he would be lured by the scent of the cheese block and come to me, that way I could show him that I cared for him. Maybe, just maybe that lousy rat would respond to my kindness. All seemed lost, when I heard footsteps. Hark! It was the giant rat. I held out the block of cheese, it slowly came towards me. My hand started to shake. What was it going to do? Would it eat the cheese? Would it eat me? Would it bite off my hand? Well, it didn't eat me? It ate the cheese and my hand. It was about to devour the rest of me, when two gun shots rang out, dropping the rat dead in it's tracks. For it was my ex-girlfriend Alice, she said she had reconsidered and would marry me after all. What a glorious moment in my life. Not only had I successfully helped dispose of the rat, but my girl would marry me after all.
Later on, she left me for a country singer named Bob, but that's another story.

This years Chicago Bears are looking a lot like the 1985 Bears.

I know the past two years us sports writers have been comparing the present day Bears to the 1985 Bears, but this year I'm quite certain they won't let us down. I can't wait for the season to start, that way when the Bears take the field, I can reminisce non-stop about the 1985 Super Bowl champs. When ever the defense puts up impressive numbers I can say, "This is just like the 1985 Bears." Then we can show a clip of Mike Singletary kicking serious ass.
I can't wait to see various clips of The Super Bowl shuffle sprinkled through out the game. Man, this is going to be a fun year. Almost as fun as the 1985 season in which the Bears won the Super Bowl, with that "punky QB known as McMahon." Ha!

Don't worry, I'll fix it in post!

Dude, stop bombarding me with your negativity, this film is going to be alright. Have you not heard of post-production? You can fix anything in post, dude! Look at this action sequence, sure it looks kind of amateurish, but thanks to today's technology I can remove a few frames, speed up the frame and walla, we have a bad ass fight scene. Isn't it awesome!
Bad dialogue? Don't worry, I'll fix it in post.
Flubbed lines? Don't worry, I'll fix it in post.
Overexposed film? Don't worry, I'll fix it in post.
Continuity errors? You know the drill.
You are so negative, you need to have a more positive outlook on life. Oh sweet, look at how cool this shot is. This really going to blow the audience away. Yes, I know the boom mike is in frame, but what have I been telling you for the last ten minutes......we can fix it in post. GEES! Must I be the only voice of reason here? I am an artist after all, therefore I know what is right and what is wrong. And some times wrong can be right and right can be wrong. Do you understand? I thought not. That's why you got an B in Film 101, where as I got an A.
I remember I once made this brilliant movie about a priest masturbating to a picture of the Virgin Mary juxtaposed with a guy drinking a can of Pepsi and the only comment I got was from a Spielberg loving hack who had the nerve to ask, "What is the point?" I told him that art need not have a point and that is all about emotion. Did the film stir you emotionally? He said it put him to sleep. I was offended and walked out of the classroom. But the joke was on him, because in my next film I filmed scene in which a Jurassic Park poster gets bombarded by human feces, while a guy dressed like a nun looks on in disgust.
What does all this have to do with post-production? Well, all my brilliant college films were made in the editing. You see, my rambling has everything to with post-production. Now, c'mon this chicken sex scene won't fix itself! Let's get a move on.

Hey......would you like to.....how you say.......spend the night at my place? I have can of beer we could share and we could ......uhhhhhhhh....watch.....movie on my ten inch, black and white TV.
It will be good time. After movie, we could.......how you say....fuck. You are beauty. You sure you don't want....how you say....spend night at my place. It's BIG!

My vampire movie is going to kick ass!

Hey dude, I'm currently working on this bad ass vampire movie called The Eternalz. I'm not exaggerating in the least when I say it's going to kick ass. In it The Eternalz (due out this Fall) I play a half man-half vampire named Pup, who along with his sexy blonde sidekick Kit, must save the world from a group of fascist vampires. It's pretty fucking awesome. There's this one scene in which Pup (me) takes on four vampires at the same time. I'm not kidding when I say these fight scenes are incredible, they almost rival the fight scenes in my previous film Knife: The Werewolf Slayer (available on DVD August 5). I'll be uploading a teaser trailer for The Eternalz on my website later on this month. I highly recommend you check it out, it will be tight...I mean cool. Who knows maybe a Hollwood exec will see my bad ass movie and sign me to five picture deal. That would rock! I'm an artist, therefore I should be taken seriously. Oh, before I forget the comic book of The Eternalz will be out in mid-September, if you are interested send me a check in the mail and I'll be sure to give you a copy. FAR OUT!

OH NO! The love of my life is leaving me. I better get in my car and chase after her. What will I ever do with out her? I got to get to the airport before her plane takes off. Man, I'm hungry. Hey, there's a McDonald's right off this exit. I have more than enough time to go through drive thru and get myself a delicious Big Mac. I'm quite certain of it. It's settled then, I will quickly get myself a Big Mac and then head down to the airport. My girlfriend will understand.
Wow, there's a long wait at the drive thru. Oh well, it's 2:3o now and her plane doesn't take off until 3:30, I should have plenty of time to get there. I know it. Besides, flights usually run late any ways. Oh boy, I can just taste that delicious Big Mac.
Alright, I am next in line. FINALLY!
Hello.....I would like a Big Mac. Wait, make that a Big Mac extra value meal with a large Coke.
ALL RIGHT!
Here's five dollars, keep the change I'm in a hurry.
SLUUURPPPPPPP! CHOMP! GULP! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM sooooo tasty! I love McDonald's. OH SHIT.........a traffic jam. No big deal, it shouldn't take too long to clear up. I have plenty of time to make it to the airport.
Wow, this is taking forever! When will this fucking traffic jam clear up. What is the fucking hold up? C'mon....my happiness is a stake here. Oh look, there's a Dairy Queen off this exit. Well, since traffic is at a stand still, I think I will go there and get myself a M&M Blizzard. ALL RIGHT!

Will our hero make in time to catch his girlfriend? Will he have enough money for an M&M Blizzard? The answer to these questions is a resounding NO! The End.

This movie is not supposed to be good. IT'S FUN!

Seriously, you need to lighten up. This film isn't trying to be good, it's mindless entertainment that every one can enjoy. Yeah, I know the storyline is kind of stupid...but that's THE POINT! I mean, c'mon it's not like this film is going to win any Oscars or anything, it's just a fun romp for the whole family. OK, maybe not the whole family, but I think you are taking it way too seriously. I mean...IT'S FUN!
Sure, the characters are undeveloped and the effects sequences are over the top, but again this is not supposed to be a serious movie. If you want to watch a serious movie, then rent some crappy independent film and let us fans have our fun. I'm totally looking forward to the sequel, I hope it's darker than the first. This movie is like Matt Hasselbeck in Super XL.....BAD ASS! What you mean the Seahawks lost Super Bowl XL? Don't give me that crap.

I hate fanboys, who make excuses when the big screen adaptation of their favorite book/cartoon/TV show sucks balls. They will make statements like, "It's not supposed to be good." I particularly hate it when they say, "It's not going to win any Oscars or anything, but....." SHUT UP! These morons have such a blind loyalty to the original series a film is based on that they like any crap Hollywood slaps together and throws in theaters.
"OH MY GOD, MY CHILDHOOD IS FINALLY BEING SHOWN ON THE BIG SCREEN. How can I not like a Transformers movie? I mean, it was my favorite cartoon growing up, therefore the movie has GAWT to be good." Then they see the movie and live in state of denial for the next ten years. Rather than admit the movie sucks, they convince themselves that, "it was.........good. I mean it was good for what it was." Then they see their shitty film two more times, just to show the world that they are loyal fans.
I wonder how many jack asses cheered in Transformers when Megatron said, "You have failed me again Starscream." I can just picture all the baseball cap wearing, nacho eating douchebags high fiving each other after hearing that line.
"ALRIGHT BRO! They remained faithful to the cartoon by having Megatron despise Starscream. BAD ASS! Where's my Mountain Dew? I got a Milk Dud in my flip flops."
Meanwhile, a bro's girlfriend who he forced into seeing this pile of dreck is thinking to herself, "Why am I here?" Then when she reaches over to grab a handful of popcorn, the Hasselbeck loving bro says, "Babe, you're blocking the screen. I can't see Optimus Prime in his full glory."
The girlfriend sits back in her seat, fights back her tears, contemplating suicide because death would be far more preferable to watching Transformers for another ten minutes.
OK, maybe I am exaggerating a tad bit. But that's just in my nature.
Meanwhile in the next auditorium a group of Pirates of the Caribbean fans are watching At World's End for the fifth time, still fooling themselves that it gets better with every viewing.
"Jack Sparrow is the Matt Hasselbeck of pirates."
Why this obsession with Matt Hasselbeck you ask? Because he was a complete nothing of a quarterback for like five years and then when the Seahawks finally made it to the Super Bowl
he became, "one of the elite." During the Seahawks Super Bowl run, a whole shitload of Starbucks drinking socialists jumped on the Matt Hasselbeck bandwagon spouting premature dribble like, "He's the best quarterback EVER!" Then the Seahawks lost the Super Bowl and like all Pirates and Transformer fans, the Hasselbeck crowd lived in denial. They couldn't comprehend how their bad ass quarterback lost Super Bowl XL, so they starting making excuses like, "It was the referee's fault." All I know is that the Seahawks lost and Hasselbeck ended their hopes of coming back by throwing a costly interception. BAD ASS!

I remember I was in this same state of denial after seeing Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. After first, I thought to myself, "It wasn't......BAD." Then I said, "Well, it's the first chapter in a saga, therefore it's going to have a lot of shortcomings. I really can't judge it until I've seen all three." Finally, after living in denial for a year I finally came out and admitted that The Phantom Menace sucked. I liked because it had Star Wars in the title, therefore it couldn't possibly be bad. Well, we all know differently know.

Wow, this was quite a rant. Did you get that? I hope you were able to follow it.

OH NO! I'm being consumed by sarcasm. HELP! I can no longer say anything with out being ironic. SHIT! I used to genuinely enjoy life, now I constantly find myself rolling my eyes while making comments like, "That was COOL!" For instance, yesterday my friend told me she went to a Bon Jovi concert and a replied in a typical snooty matter, "That is so awesome. I love Bon Jovi." She of course didn't get the sarcasm and was like, "I know, Bon Jovi kicks ass!" I live with this curse every day of my life. I once woke up from a dream I had and said, "OH! That was realllllly scary. I'm trembling with fear," then I realized I was talking to myself. I went to refrigerator, poured myself a glass of milk and said, "Oh, I LOVE 2% fat milk." Once again, no one was around and yet here I was being snarky. What the hell? That odd thing is that I do like 2% milk, so why did I say it in a sarcastic manner? I think I will watch TV, I LOVE VH1.......DAMN IT!

You know what is sidesplittingly hilarious? When women break into a drunken rendition of "Baby Got Back." It just never gets old, no matter how many times you hear it. It's something I look forward to every time I go out drinking. I'll be sitting at a bar, thinking to myself, "I sure hope a drunken female sings the Sir Mix-A-Lot classic. My life will not be complete with out it." Their sense of irony is hilarious. Get it? Cause "Baby Got Back" is sexist song that treats women as sex objects, hence it is hilarious when a woman sings it, because she's making a statement. It's brilliant social commentary disguised as mindless entertainment. It's like Transformers, only nine and a half times better. It's like Shrek 3, only with out the ulgy ogre. It's like Peyton Manning, utterly infallible. I could make more analogies, but that would take forever.

You know what makes their rendition of "Baby Got Back" even better? When the drunken women start shaking their asses, while singing the song. They are being doubly ironic. Yes, they are mockingly putting their bodies up for display. They are challenging the status quo. They are saying, "Yeah, here's my body. Enjoy it if you will, but there's more to me than just a nice ass." GENIUS! I can't tell you how many men have changed their perspectives on women after seeing a drunken, hot chick er I mean an intelligent, young lady singing "Baby Got Back" at a bar. At first they see the lovely lass as an object, but then as the song progresses they start thinking, "HMMMMMM! Maybe there's more to this babe than just a nice face!" By the end of the song, they have converted to being full fledged feminists.

That's not nice, you're so mean.

I can't believe you did that. How could you treat a fellow human being so horribly? That wasn't nice at all, you're such a mean person. I never thought a person could stoop so low, but you have jut proven me wrong. That's not nice, you're so mean. Have you told Taylor yet? You at least owe him an explanation. Man, you truly are a mean person. What happened to you? You used to be such a sweet, loving person, now you seem to take delight in other people's suffering. That's not nice, you're so mean.

This is post is my lame attempt at writing soap opera dialogue. I hope you have enjoyed it!