Sunday, October 23, 2005
Hi, I'm reporting live from Minnesota, where the Packers yet again found a way to lose what should have been an easy win. The second quarter of the game was sweet, the Packers showed the Vikings absolutely no mercy. I was watching the first half of the game in an Irish Pub, down town Minneapolis and was ecstatic over what I thought was going to be a massacre. My friend Will and I left the Irish pub, during half time and I didn't get too watch any of the second half. Then at around three I got a call from my room mate Peter, the Packers lost to the Vikings 23 to 20. What the fuck? How does an offense go from dominating the first half of the game to completely getting shut out in the second half? What happened to the defense? Why can't the Packers ever win? It's such a shame to see Favre play such great football and only have one win to show for it. Damn you Packers! Oh well, at least I had a good lunch and a couple of beers to help ease the pain. Go Green Bay!
Friday, October 21, 2005
Monday, October 17, 2005
THIS POST GOES OUT TO THE 3.2323 PEOPLE WHO READ THIS BLOG!!!
I need your help in creating the next unfunny Saturday Night Live. For it is my goal to go to New York, audition for SNL and in the process create the next unfunny character that gets his own overlong, painfully unfunny movie. Here are a few characters that have come off the top of my head:
Taco Bell Guy - He's a guy who obessively talks about Taco Bell. Each week there will be painful, five minute skit in which he goes on a tangent about how Taco Bell is the greatest fast food restaurant EVER! I figure that within in a year, SNL will be desperate enough to produce a film centered around this guy.
The Unibrow - Based loosely off Kevin Neville, this character has no lines what so ever, rather people just comment on how huge his unibrow is. Then he breaks down in tears and wishes he didn't have a unibrow.
The Vendor - He's a vendor that works at a movie theatre, acts nice to customers and then says shit to them as they walk away. Imagine all the groans and suicides this character will induce. Genius.
Jimmy Fallon - A guy who pretends to be Jimmy Fallon, he spends the entire skit laughing at his own jokes and playing guitar, while every one is disgusted by his antics.
Overweight Gym Instructor - This character spends the entire skit eating hot dogs and other junk food, while yelling at his students for being unfit. Ha Ha! This has me in stitches all ready.
These are five characters I have come up with, for the 3.2323 people who read this blog, please vote which one is your favorite or least favorite. Then I will know which character to wow the SNL people with.
I need your help in creating the next unfunny Saturday Night Live. For it is my goal to go to New York, audition for SNL and in the process create the next unfunny character that gets his own overlong, painfully unfunny movie. Here are a few characters that have come off the top of my head:
Taco Bell Guy - He's a guy who obessively talks about Taco Bell. Each week there will be painful, five minute skit in which he goes on a tangent about how Taco Bell is the greatest fast food restaurant EVER! I figure that within in a year, SNL will be desperate enough to produce a film centered around this guy.
The Unibrow - Based loosely off Kevin Neville, this character has no lines what so ever, rather people just comment on how huge his unibrow is. Then he breaks down in tears and wishes he didn't have a unibrow.
The Vendor - He's a vendor that works at a movie theatre, acts nice to customers and then says shit to them as they walk away. Imagine all the groans and suicides this character will induce. Genius.
Jimmy Fallon - A guy who pretends to be Jimmy Fallon, he spends the entire skit laughing at his own jokes and playing guitar, while every one is disgusted by his antics.
Overweight Gym Instructor - This character spends the entire skit eating hot dogs and other junk food, while yelling at his students for being unfit. Ha Ha! This has me in stitches all ready.
These are five characters I have come up with, for the 3.2323 people who read this blog, please vote which one is your favorite or least favorite. Then I will know which character to wow the SNL people with.
Half Priced Books rules! I went to Half Priced Books today and practically bought out .0005% of the store, they just had so much to choose from and at such reasonable prices. If you have not been to this wondrous store, go now and you can buy a book buy Lillian Gish about her days with D.W. Griffith, for only $4.98. That is quite a bargain, because Lillian Gish kicks ass. And if you don't know who Lillian Gish is, you are not a true film fan. And if you do, then I am glad for you. And if you wait around now, baby can't you see, I'll promise you, I will. I will.
Ende!
Ende!
Steal candy from babies is not as easy as it used to be!
I remember the good old days, when all one had to do to steal candy from a baby was walked up to his/her stroller, push the mother aside and take the candy away from the helpless baby. Now, things are completely different. Yesterday, I spotted my a prey, it was little helpless baby with a huge lollipop in his right hand. He was dressed entirely in blue and had a huge smile on his face, I thought, "Ha Ha! This will be an easy task! Ha Ha! I will have candy tonight." As I approached the baby's stroller, his mother step out and told me to stop. I said, "What are you going to do about it, woman?" Cause as well all know, hysterical women are no match for tough, macho men such as myself. Just then she pulled out a can of pepper spray, sprayed me in the eyes, and cock punched me twelve times. I fell to the ground screaming, she then pulled out a crow bar and bashed in my knee caps, and the rolled the stroller over my head four times. She walked away laughing, while I all bloodied up, realized that I had been defeated by an inferior women. I decided later on that day to change my name and move out of state. I then theorized that this woman wasn't a woman, but a man in drag, who makes it his goal to thwart candy snatchers such as myself. This made me feel a little better and I decided that I would stay in the candy snatching business.
I remember the good old days, when all one had to do to steal candy from a baby was walked up to his/her stroller, push the mother aside and take the candy away from the helpless baby. Now, things are completely different. Yesterday, I spotted my a prey, it was little helpless baby with a huge lollipop in his right hand. He was dressed entirely in blue and had a huge smile on his face, I thought, "Ha Ha! This will be an easy task! Ha Ha! I will have candy tonight." As I approached the baby's stroller, his mother step out and told me to stop. I said, "What are you going to do about it, woman?" Cause as well all know, hysterical women are no match for tough, macho men such as myself. Just then she pulled out a can of pepper spray, sprayed me in the eyes, and cock punched me twelve times. I fell to the ground screaming, she then pulled out a crow bar and bashed in my knee caps, and the rolled the stroller over my head four times. She walked away laughing, while I all bloodied up, realized that I had been defeated by an inferior women. I decided later on that day to change my name and move out of state. I then theorized that this woman wasn't a woman, but a man in drag, who makes it his goal to thwart candy snatchers such as myself. This made me feel a little better and I decided that I would stay in the candy snatching business.
Monday, October 10, 2005
She was the most beautiful girl in the world.
I loved her unquestionably.....until
SHE RIPPED OUT MY HEART!
We were ever so happy, dancing and singing,
walking and laughing.
I never wanted this romance to end....until
SHE RIPPED OUT MY HEART!
We were to be married, have children
and live together forever.....until
SHE RIPPED OUT MY HEART!
OH WHY DO YOU MOCK GOD?
HOW CRUEL FATE IS!
WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?
She told me she wanted out of this relationship,
she said she couldn't stand the sight of me.
I broke down and tears, screaming,
"YOU RIPPED OUT MY HEART, YOU CRUEL CORPORATE BITCH!"
She then drank her over priced, Starbucks espresso and laughed at
my pain.
Why do women always rip out my heart? Why?
I think I shall end my life. Oh yes, I shall.
You don't believe me?
I shall jump off this ledge any minute, oh yes I shall.
And then you will be like, "Oh poor guy, why did that cold hearted harlot
rip out his beautiful, generous heart." Then you will have wished that you
were nicer to me in life. By cruel world, I will miss you not. I shall not return.
Damn it, this ledge is only five feet off the ground. I guess I can't kill myself after all;
I think I will have breakfast. EWWWWWWWWW HONEY NUT CHEERIOS!
The End!
I loved her unquestionably.....until
SHE RIPPED OUT MY HEART!
We were ever so happy, dancing and singing,
walking and laughing.
I never wanted this romance to end....until
SHE RIPPED OUT MY HEART!
We were to be married, have children
and live together forever.....until
SHE RIPPED OUT MY HEART!
OH WHY DO YOU MOCK GOD?
HOW CRUEL FATE IS!
WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?
She told me she wanted out of this relationship,
she said she couldn't stand the sight of me.
I broke down and tears, screaming,
"YOU RIPPED OUT MY HEART, YOU CRUEL CORPORATE BITCH!"
She then drank her over priced, Starbucks espresso and laughed at
my pain.
Why do women always rip out my heart? Why?
I think I shall end my life. Oh yes, I shall.
You don't believe me?
I shall jump off this ledge any minute, oh yes I shall.
And then you will be like, "Oh poor guy, why did that cold hearted harlot
rip out his beautiful, generous heart." Then you will have wished that you
were nicer to me in life. By cruel world, I will miss you not. I shall not return.
Damn it, this ledge is only five feet off the ground. I guess I can't kill myself after all;
I think I will have breakfast. EWWWWWWWWW HONEY NUT CHEERIOS!
The End!
Thursday, October 06, 2005
WE'RE NOT DONE YET! 
That was a great game guys, but WE'RE NOT DONE YET! We have twelve more games left in this season, therefore we should not celebrate prematurely. We played a good game, a good football team, BUT we still have many more good games to play, many more good teams to play. We can't be sucking each others cocks too early in the season. We will not celebrate until we have won the championship. I know you are thinking, "Can't we celebrate just a little bit?" NO! We can't celebrate just a little bit, because WE'RE NOT DONE YET! Repeat WE'RE NOT DONE YET! Do you understand? WE'RE NOT DONE YET! What did I say? WE'RE NOT DONE YET!
I hope I have made my point. Go and shower up, we have a long season ahead of us.
That was a great game guys, but WE'RE NOT DONE YET! We have twelve more games left in this season, therefore we should not celebrate prematurely. We played a good game, a good football team, BUT we still have many more good games to play, many more good teams to play. We can't be sucking each others cocks too early in the season. We will not celebrate until we have won the championship. I know you are thinking, "Can't we celebrate just a little bit?" NO! We can't celebrate just a little bit, because WE'RE NOT DONE YET! Repeat WE'RE NOT DONE YET! Do you understand? WE'RE NOT DONE YET! What did I say? WE'RE NOT DONE YET!
I hope I have made my point. Go and shower up, we have a long season ahead of us.
SPECIAL GUEST BLOGGER: A Stand Up, Female Comedian
Thank you!!! Any ways, yesterday I got home from work, completely exhausted and I asked my husband Bob if he could get me a beer. Sure enough, he drank all the beer. What's with men and beer? Am I right?
I have learned that it is futile trying to communicate with my husband when he is watching a football game; he's too busy screaming at television to hear what I have to say. What's with men and football? Am I right? Hello? Is this working? Hello?
Any ways, yesterday my friend Sue told me she had an abortion. I came to the realization that during my 39 years on the planet, I have never had an abortion, therefore I decided I was going to get one. The problem is I am not pregnant. Therefore, I decided to tell Bob that I wanted to have another baby.
I said, "Bob, I want another baby!"
He said, "Why do you want another baby? We all ready have three children."
I said, "I want another baby, so I can have an abortion. I have never had an abortion and I really want one."
He said unsympathetically,"Honey, what's the point of getting pregnant, when you are going to have an abortion? Why waste all the time and effort, if you don't want a child?"
I said, "What's the point of you owning that damn chainsaw when you never use it. That thing has been collecting dust for years. You've only used it once in the last three years, yet you don't hear mecomplaining. I let you buy that chainsaw. Can't you support me just this once?"
Needless to say, I never got the abortion. Why is that men are able to support a losing football team, but they unable to support their loving wives when they want an abortion? Am I right?
Thank you Suzie for that interesting post. And indeed, you are right.
Thank you!!! Any ways, yesterday I got home from work, completely exhausted and I asked my husband Bob if he could get me a beer. Sure enough, he drank all the beer. What's with men and beer? Am I right?
I have learned that it is futile trying to communicate with my husband when he is watching a football game; he's too busy screaming at television to hear what I have to say. What's with men and football? Am I right? Hello? Is this working? Hello?
Any ways, yesterday my friend Sue told me she had an abortion. I came to the realization that during my 39 years on the planet, I have never had an abortion, therefore I decided I was going to get one. The problem is I am not pregnant. Therefore, I decided to tell Bob that I wanted to have another baby.
I said, "Bob, I want another baby!"
He said, "Why do you want another baby? We all ready have three children."
I said, "I want another baby, so I can have an abortion. I have never had an abortion and I really want one."
He said unsympathetically,"Honey, what's the point of getting pregnant, when you are going to have an abortion? Why waste all the time and effort, if you don't want a child?"
I said, "What's the point of you owning that damn chainsaw when you never use it. That thing has been collecting dust for years. You've only used it once in the last three years, yet you don't hear mecomplaining. I let you buy that chainsaw. Can't you support me just this once?"
Needless to say, I never got the abortion. Why is that men are able to support a losing football team, but they unable to support their loving wives when they want an abortion? Am I right?
Thank you Suzie for that interesting post. And indeed, you are right.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
I recently went to see a movie and I decided I would buy a tray of nachos. I love nachos. I once had a girlfriend who hated nachos, so I threw her out of my car and left her in the middle of the desert, while I scarfed down a tray of nachos. Any ways, as I walked up to the concession stand in the movie theatre, I was horrified to find out that they had sold their last tray ten minutes earlier. I panicked, I started tearing the lobby to pieces. However, in the corner of my eye, I noticed that a ten year-old girl had a tray of nachos. I ran up to her, punched her in the nose, drop kicked her in the stomach and took her tray of nachos. Victory was mine...or so I thought. Her mother saw what I did, pulled out a gun and demanded I return the nachos to her daughter, whose name was Betty Sue. I tried to explain my position, she wouldn't listen. I returned the nachos and walked away with a huge frown on my face. How could I possibly enjoy my movie without a tray of nachos. Just then I saw a gorgeous woman, carrying a tray of nachos. She was all alone. I had a plan. I ran up to the gorgeous woman, punched her in the nose, drop kicked her in the stomach and took her tray of nachos. Thus ends my story.
This was such a stupid story. Who writes this kind of crap? Seriously, who writes this kind of crap? Hi, I'm Leonard Maltin, I'm a film critic and historian. I liked the movie Runaway Bride and I am absolutely appalled by this garbage. What ever happened to all the family friendly websites? I don't know, but this kind of crap should be flushed down the toilet. Until next time, I'm Leonard Maltin and the balcony is closed. Wait, am I Leonard Maltin or Roger Ebert? Who am I? Maybe, I'm Peter Travers. I think I need a vacation.
This was such a stupid story. Who writes this kind of crap? Seriously, who writes this kind of crap? Hi, I'm Leonard Maltin, I'm a film critic and historian. I liked the movie Runaway Bride and I am absolutely appalled by this garbage. What ever happened to all the family friendly websites? I don't know, but this kind of crap should be flushed down the toilet. Until next time, I'm Leonard Maltin and the balcony is closed. Wait, am I Leonard Maltin or Roger Ebert? Who am I? Maybe, I'm Peter Travers. I think I need a vacation.
News:
Minor:
Video Did Not Kill Radio Star, Alcohol Poisoning Did!
Green Bay Packers Win a Free Whopper!
Pauly Shore To Star In a Remake of Police Academy 4!
George W. Bush declares war on Nature, promises, "No forces of nature will ever invade American soil again!"
Major news break:
"Hotter Then Ever" Girl Visits My Blog!
That's right, it turns out that a girl, whom has identified herself as "hotter than ever" visits my blog. Why is this such big news? 1) It's a girl. 2) Not just any girl, but a girl that is hotter than ever. YES! In the future I will do my best to attract more "hotter than ever" girls, until I isolate all my loyal readers and become a shallow, superficial son of a bitch, much like Jason Gedrick in the 1985 masterpiece The Heavenly Kid. To the "hotter than ever" girl, I can only say thank you. You have given me hope when they was none. You have given me life, when there was only death. Go Green Bay!
Minor:
Video Did Not Kill Radio Star, Alcohol Poisoning Did!
Green Bay Packers Win a Free Whopper!
Pauly Shore To Star In a Remake of Police Academy 4!
George W. Bush declares war on Nature, promises, "No forces of nature will ever invade American soil again!"
Major news break:
"Hotter Then Ever" Girl Visits My Blog!
That's right, it turns out that a girl, whom has identified herself as "hotter than ever" visits my blog. Why is this such big news? 1) It's a girl. 2) Not just any girl, but a girl that is hotter than ever. YES! In the future I will do my best to attract more "hotter than ever" girls, until I isolate all my loyal readers and become a shallow, superficial son of a bitch, much like Jason Gedrick in the 1985 masterpiece The Heavenly Kid. To the "hotter than ever" girl, I can only say thank you. You have given me hope when they was none. You have given me life, when there was only death. Go Green Bay!
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