This theatre doesn't have THX?

Dude, what's up with that? How could this theatre not have THX sound? I only see movies that have THX, because the sound quality is so much better. What do you mean THX is not a sound system? What do you mean its a certification? That's bullshit! You guys are trying to steal my hard earned money by feeding me false information. You guys are worse than the Gestapo. I remember when I saw Austin Powers: Goldmember in theatre and when the THX logo came up, my friends and I applauded, because we KNEW the sound was going to be top notch. I'm never coming to this theatre again, not until you guys straighten up your act and get THX sound.

You're not going to the midnight showing of Pirates!


I can't believe you are not going to the midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean : At World's End, it's totally the in thing to do. I bought my tickets when they first went on sale; I dare not miss this event. Granted I didn't really like Dead Man's Chest all that much, but that isn't going to prevent me from going to the midnight showing of At World's End....I mean....every one's going to be there, except you. I can't believe you have no interest in going. What's wrong with you? While I'm going to be having a delightful time with my friends and co-workers, you'll be tossing and turning in your bed, tormented over the fact that you didn't go to the midnight showing. I thought you were cool, but I'm beginning to have my doubts. You honestly don't want to see Johnny Depp spout out random one liners, while doing battle with Captain Barbossa? Sure, it was done to death in the first Pirates, but this is the third installment, which means it will be bigger and far more bad ass. I'm just dying to know who Elizabeth is going to choose in the end: Jack Sparrow or Will Turner. Doesn't that make you curious in the least bit? It doesn't! You suck! You're just cynical, I don't know if I want to be your friend any more. Goodbye!

Why Batman Forever is the best Batman movie EVER!


When people talk about the Batman movies, they usually make the absurd claim that Tim Burton's travesty is the best of all the Batman adaptations. This is blasphemy, for any true fan of Batman will tell you that Joel Schumachers 1995 masterpiece Batman Forever is far and away the best Batman movie EVER!
Do any of the dreadful Tim Burton films feature a scene with a whiny security guard and boiling acid? I think not!
Did the Christopher Nolan debacle have a scene in which Batman fights a street gang who cover their faces in neon paint? NOPE!
Where were the bat nipples in the Burton and Nolan films? Schumacher's contribution to the series will be praised for years to come, where as the Burton and Nolan films will be completely forgotten.
Where were the funny one liners in Batman, Batman Returns, and Batman Begins? The opening of Batman Forever has one of the funniest exchanges in movie history:

Alfred: Might I persuade you to take a sandwich?
Batman: I'll get drive thru!

That is soooo funny! I remember I wet myself in the theatre after hearing this exchange. It's very Jack Sparrowesque in it's delivery and I love Jack Sparrow. Haw Haw! Other great lines include:

Prostitute: That's not Batman, that's more like Batboy.
Robin: I forgot my suit.

Batman: The circus must be halfway to Metropolis by now. (Get it, because Metropolis is the home of Superman.)

Riddler: Surf's up Big Kahuna! (Jim Carrey is a true delight in this movie.)

Then there's the brilliant commentary about how television is dumbing down America. In the film the Riddler invents a device that steals peoples thoughts while they are watching television. It's amazing how much depth Batman Forever truly has as opposed to the other films in the franchise. Therefore, I urge you all to throw away your copies of Batman, Batman Returns, and Batman Begins, blow the dust off your copy of Batman Forever and pop in your DVD player, you will not be sorry!

PASSES!

ALLRIGHT! My movie is out of focus, that means my bros and I will get passes! I love when things go wrong at the movie theatre, cause then I can complain and get movie passes from the management. Some times if I'm lucky I will get two passes, like the time my bros and I went to see The Mummy Returns. I remember the light bulb on the projector burned out and some dorky usher came in and told us we were going to be given passes; my bros and I started to chant "TWO! TWO! TWO!" The rest of the audience took our lead and we were given two passes! It was killer!
HEY, WHERE'S OUR PASSES? I want PASSES! What do you mean we're not getting any passes? The movie was out of focus for like FIFTEEN MINUTES! I mean c'mon, we deserved to be compensated for having to sit through this travesty. What lousy customer service! You just lost yourself a customer. C'mon bros, lets go to a bar and pick up some babes.

(Editors Note: The dude and his bros were unsuccessful in their attempt to pick up babes. They went back to theatre the following day to see Spider-Man 3. They complained that the sound system was all wrong and demanded passes for the inconvenience; they were not successful.)

This Cousin's Sub is delicious!
Yes, how I love my Cousin's Sub, if I could I would marry it. What's the sound? Who's there? Is that you Bartolemay? Bartolemy? Where are you hiding? If that you's Bartolemay, come on out and show yourself. No...you can't have my Cousin's sub. It's mine! Leave me alone! Where are you? Come on out and face me like a man or at least face me like a woman! Huh! Where's my Cousin's sub! CURSE YOU BARTOLEMAY! AHHHHHHH...there you are Bartolemay!

I just bought Eragon on DVD!

Does that make me cool or what? Eragon is such an original idea for a movie. I never read the books, but from what I heard they totally kick ass. I bought the special edition of Eragon, which means that not only do I get a director's commentary, but a couple of "Making Of" featurettes as well. I really need to know how the made Sapphira the dragon look so realistic. Special Edition DVDs kick ass! I still have to watch all the special features on my Extended edition of Lord of the Rings, but I'm sure they are awesome. How can they not be? I can't own a DVD that doesn't have special features. Where's the fun in that? I really wish the would release a two disc Special Edition of Encino Man, that would rock. I could feature commentary by Les Mayfield, Pauly Shore, Sean Astin, and Brendan Fraser. Hopefully, Criterion will read my blog and release it soon. Did I mention I bought Eragon on DVD! Did you know that Stan Lee created Spider-Man?

The 10 Dumbest quotes I have ever read/heard.

1. "I give Van Helsing three Fs for fun fuckin' film." - JoBlo.com in his review for the dreadful pile of shit Van Helsing.

2. "And kudos to Stephen Sommers for those creepy credits at the end." - Once again from the JoBlo review of Van Helsing.

3. "I told you I was a Jinx." - Halle Berry from the awful James Bond film Die Another Day.

4. "You can really feel the tension when the shoulder shifts halfway through the film." - A liberal minded college TA talking about an experimental film that is a five minute shot of a shoulder. The film is conveniently called Shoulder.

5. "I shouldn't have to write papers, I'm an artist." - A UWM film student bitching about how unfair it is that a genius like him should have to waste his time and energy on writing term papers.

6. "I like Star Wars because it is independent." - A UWM student writing about why he likes Star Wars, because as well all know if a film is independent it is automatically good.

7. "Homer's a good captain." - A nameless dumbass, talking about how he feels Homer Simpson would have been a good sea captain.

8. "I'm a liberal and an atheist!" - A smug college student, who some how feels she is so unique for being a liberal and an atheist. If I ever meet a liberal that isn't an atheist I would be impressed.

9. "I think we're seeing a movie." - a nameless blonde who made this comment while entering a movie theatre. Do you think?

10. "With out her braces, her boobs look a lot bigger." - Nameless manager at ol' North Shore cinema before it went to hell.

I'm sooooo psyched for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End.

OH MY GOD, only three and a half weeks until Pirates of the Caribben: At World's End comes out, I am so excited. I just can't wait to see what wacky adventures Jack Sparrow gets himself into this time. Johnny Depp is soooo HAWT! I sure hope him and Keira Knightley hook up in this movie, I mean as hot as Orlando Bloom may be, he is not Johnny Depp....er... I mean Jack Sparrow. I can't wait to see what role Captain Barbossa will play in this movie. I was shocked...shocked I say, when he appeared at the very end of Dead Men's Chest with that hilarious monkey on his shoulder and that apple in his hand. I was sooo delighted to see him that I applauded. I wonder if he's going to be a good guy in At World's End or return to his villainous ways? Delightful! Not since the Lord of the Rings trilogy has a film franchise made me so horny. I remember I had to control my masturbatory urges when Jack Sparrow made his entrance in Dead Man's Chest. It reminded me of the time in The Two Towers when Legolas surfed down the steps at Helm' s Deep on a shield, while firing arrows at the enemy. That moment kicked ass! Damn, I now have a stronge urge for some Burger King. I think I hear my glow in the dark Lord of the Rings glass goblet calling out to me. It's saying, "Fill me with Dr. Pepper!" Don't worry my faithful goblet you are not to behold, you are to be held. Haw Haw! That commercial was delightful. Where was I again?
As for Spider-Man 3, that movie looks gay. Tobey Maguire is simply not hot. The Spider-Man trilogy would have been so much better had Johnny Depp played the title role. Just imagine all the delightful antics and adlibs Johnny Depp would have come up with had he played Peter Parker. They also should have cast Orlando Bloom as Harry Osborne and Keira Knightley as Mary Jane Watson. That would be bad ass, just like Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. All I know is that come May 25th, I will be the first in line to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

OH MY GOD......Shrek 3 is coming out May 18. Oh this going to be a great May. The Shrek films are so delightful, especially when they throw in random pop-culture references, top 10 hit songs, and fart jokes. I totally loved how in the first Shrek they used the much loved Smash Mouth song "All Star" on the soundtrack when Shrek is getting ready for the day. I laughed so hard. OMG! However, I must confess that as good as the Shrek films are, they would have been so much better had Johnny Depp done the voice for the lead role. I love Johnny Depp. I wish he would dump that bitch of a wife and marry me. Johnny, if you're out there, I'm waiting for you. LOL! LMAO! ROFL! WTF! JEOMK!

I miss you, man.

Seriously, work is not the same with out you. I mean.......it was sooo much fun when you worked here and now it's just boring. I tell you man, I've missed you and so has every one else. I know it's sounds superficial, but I sincerely mean it..I miss you. I know I have your number and I could call you any time I want, but man.....my life is kinda busy. Don't think for a second that just because I don't call you, or for that matter e-mail you, that I don't miss you! I do. One of these days we need to get together and see a movie or something. Maybe, we can go out to a bar and reminisce about the old days. I remember that one time in which we went out drinking and went streaking....oh wait...you weren't there. I know, how about that one time in which we...ohhhh..wait you weren't there either. Now that I think about it, did we ever hang out? Well, regardless it's nice to see you man. We should definitely do something one of these days. I'll be sure to give you a call.

I resent this film not being in color.

This movie isn't in color, I resent that. I can not stand black and white, it's not as pleasing to look at as color. Yesterday, I rented Psycho (not the awesome remake with my favorite badass Vince Vaughn), but the Alfred Hitchcock version, after having heard how good is was from my friend Ted. I popped in the DVD and was horrified to see that was in black and white. I immediately popped out the DVD and put in a copy of the Vince Vaughn version. I then called up Ted and screamed him out for half hour. How dare he recommend a black and white movie to me? I told him I never want to hear from him again and hung up the phone. It was pretty bad ass, just like Vince Vaughn. I sure hope they make a sequel to Dodgeball, that movie was HI-larious. In fact, they should make a sequel to both Dodgeball and Wedding Crashers, it could be called Wedding Ball. What was I talking about again? Oh yes, I hate black and whites movies.

Why are you always making fun of my height?

Stop laughing! I'm not that short. Sure, you maybe a female and a few inches taller than me, but that is no reason for you to be laughing. You always make fun of my height. Look, I can't help it if I'm shorter than you, I was born that way. Either you accept that or find a new boyfriend. I don't appreciate it when you hold your hand to my head to prevent me from kissing you. I can't stand it when you take my shoes and throw them on top of the refrigerator. It's not funny. Sure, maybe it was humorous the first five times you did it, but it gets old after awhile. For crying out loud, I'm not even that short! I'm 5'6". You're only like three inches taller than me. Besides, throwing my shoes on top of the refrigerator is pretty futile, because I'm tall enough to reach them. Why do you persist in tormenting me? This is my final warning, one more comment about my height and I'm gone. I'm serious! STOP LAUGHING! That does it! I'm leaving! Goodbye! You're so immature. I hate you.

The Caveman I found in my backyard is making my life a living hell.

Man, my life sucks! The girl I'm love with doesn't know I'm alive. The school bully stapled me to a wall and worst of all, the caveman I found frozen in my backyard is making my life a living hell.
When I first found him I thought this would make me the most popular guy at school. I thought the girl I loved would finally notice me and beg me to take her to prom. I thought my time had finally come. Then the unthinkable happened, the caveman awoke from his hybernated state and wrecked havoc in my house. My friend Stoney and I tamed him, made him over, passed him off as an exchange student, and named him Link. Things were going smooth at first, I caught my dreamgirl making out with Link. In fact, making out is putting it mildly, he was screwing her brains out. Yet again, I have to take backseat to a brainless, brawny brute. Damn it! Why? Why? This sucks! I can't stand it any more. I think I'll commit suicide. Maybe then the girl I love will finally notice me. She'll be sorry! She'll regret not having watched the Extended edition of Return of the King with me. She will look back on the time I asked her to attend the WWE tournament with me and wished she would have said yes. WWE ROCKS! Oh, it's on right now....I'll put off my suicide until tomorrow. John Cena here I come.
LINK! DAMN IT LINK, YOU BROKE THE TELEVISION. YOU TOTALLY DON'T RULE!
Where's my John Cena action figure? What's with that look? Link? Link? Did you eat my John Cena action figure? Damn it!

TV sucks!

Why does TV suck so much? It used to be there was a few watchable shows on television, now there are none. About the only thing worth watching is Telemundo, because of all the hilarious Spanish soap operas, and that's only entertaining because you have no idea what they are saying (unless you speak Spanish). I'm sure if I did understand what they were saying on all those funny Spanish soap operas I would want to shoot myself. OH SIGH! Oh well, on the bright side at least I own I shit load of videos and DVDs so I don't have to watch television. In fact, who needs TV any ways, it's nothing but mediocre shows constantly being interrupted by annoying commercials. The worst commercial of all time is that one with Jessica Simpson in which she talks about acne. Last thing I need to see is some talentless blonde talking about how horrible her acne used to be and how it got better thanks to some overpriced product that has serious side effects.
"Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, internal bleeding, depression, and premature death. ORDER NOW!"
Of course I'm sure some one will say, "Goggins there are plenty of good shows on television, you just need to lighten up." To this I say, "Shut up!" It is not in my nature to lighten up. What's the point? Why put a smile on your face when you know eventually something is going to kick you in the nuts and wipe it away? Life is pain. I think I will sit in the dark for two hours and write some poetry about how futile life is. Yeah. I'm deep, cause I'm a tormented soul.

I lost my pet cat and now I am alone.

My pet cat Timothy ran away and now I am so alone. Why did Timothy run away? Why? I fed him every day. I changed his litter box when it needed changing. I bought him all sorts of toys and played with him all the time, but alas he is left and I am alone. BOO HOO! Timothy please come back! OH PLEASE! I will give you all the love I can spare and more. I will give you an extra dinner every night, if you come back soon. OH TIMOTHY, you are my one and only friend, don't leave me. Don't leave me! BOO HOO! WHINE! WHINE! WAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

And the killer is..........

I have pieced together every possible clue and have determined that the killer is none other than.............

Find out next year!

Movies that need to be remade.

1. Citizen Kane: It always on every serious film critics top 100 list, but let's be honest Citizen Kane is simply not a good movie. It's in desperate need of a remake. Imagine how cool this movie would be if Hayden Christianson played Charles Foster Kane and if the film was shot entirely in front of a green screen. It would totally kick ass! Natalie Portman could co-star as Kane's neglected wife Susan, who becomes a stripper because he isn't paying enough attention to her. It would totally blow away the outdated original.

2. Casablanca: The original is good, but c'mon Humphrey Bogart is ugly. I mean it is totally improbable that any gorgeous woman would fall for such an unnattractive man. Therefore, I insist that Hayden Christianson should play Rick. Just imagine how cool it would be to see Anna...I mean Hayden Christianson deliver the famous line, "The problems of three people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world." It would definitely improve upon Bogart's rather unemotional line delivery.

3. Dr. Strangelove: This movie isn't funny at all. What it needs is a comic genius like Will Ferrell in the the three roles Peter Sellers played in the original. Ferrell is infinitely funnier than Peter Sellers, who's only slightly good movie was The Fiendish Plot of Fu Manchu. Ferrell could bring much needed humor to a grim story by flailing his arms about and doing all sorts of wacky sight gags like running buck naked through the war room. It would be brilliant, much like Ferrell's beloved comedy A Night at the Roxbury.

4. Duck Soup: This movie is OK for an old comedy, but just think what Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Owen Wilson could do with this kind of material. They would turn a rather non-sensical film into inspired lunacy. Not to mention Will Ferrell and Luke Wilson could turn in hilarious cameos. It would be a must see.

5. Rosemary's Baby: Where's the horror in this movie? I mean, seriously there's no monsters, no effects, it's just two and a half hours of some average looking chick freaking out over the littlest of things. This film would be so much better if it starred Jennifer Love Hewitt in the title role and had a whole gaggle of CGI demons jumping out from every corner imaginable. Not to mention there could be hot shower scene in which Hewitt keeps hearing things, but continues showering nonetheless. It would co-star Paris Hilton as Hewitt's sexy neighbor who mysteriously vanishes one night. GENIUS!

The Five Most Annoying Directors of All Time.

5) M. Night Shyamalan:
M. Night Shyamalan started out as a promising director, but then he started to take himself too seriously as a filmmaker. The success of The Sixth Sense convinced him that he was a genius and from then on his films got progressively worse. The Village was not only a dull piece of filmmaking, it was also a lame attempt at making a parable out of an obvious twist ending. When ever any one criticizes his movies, Shyamalan blasts back that they simply didn't understand his vision. Here's a question for all you M. Night apologists out there: if his name wasn't on the credits would you have genuinely liked his last three films (Signs, The Village, Lady in the Water)? Of course not! You would have seen them for the piece of junk they truly are. If The Village is truly a profound piece of cinema, then the equally asinine The Brain That Wouldn't Die must also be a deep movie experience, for its about the dangers of science.

4) George Lucas:
It's amazing how a man who has revolutionized filmmaking has absolutely no originality left in him. Instead of moving onto his next film project, Lucas constantly has to find new ways to rape and whore out the Star Wars universe. First, he came out with the Special Editions, which had "improved" effects and additional scenes that didn't contribute to the story what so ever. Then he made the prequels, which ruined the character of Darth Vader. The very notion that Darth Vader was Hayden Christianson in his youth makes him seem less like a badass and more like a whiney, little bitch who turned to evil because he wasn't given what he wanted for his birthday.
In the hands of George Lucas a mythological story turns into a standard drama on the WB.

3) Nora Ephron:
Nora Ephron is the writer/director of many unwatchable romantic comedies. Her characters constantly whine about how no one loves them, only to find in love in the end. How original! How delightful! I'm so glad we have filmmakers turning out unused screenplays written in the silent era. Her most unexcusable film was Bewitched, in which Will Ferrell does many Jim Carrey-like antics to win the affections of Nicole Kidman. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that Nicole Kidman talks in a high pitched voice for the entire running length of the film. For some reason unknown to the audience Kidman falls in love with Ferrell's self-centered character and no one is moved by the experience.

2) Ron Howard:
Ron Howard is the least talented director to ever win an Oscar for directing. His only contribution to cinema is that he makes bland movies that do huge at the box office one week, but are forgotten about the next. A Beautiful Mind takes what could have been a compelling biography and turns into crowd pleasing, awe-inspiring fluff. The Missing was a lame re-working of The Searchers, and Apollo 13 was good mainly due to its effects and the fact that it was inspired by a real life story. The only good thing to say about Ron Howard is that he is not Kevin Smith.

1) Kevin Smith:
Here's my impersonation of Kevin Smith directing a movie, "In this scene I want you to stand in front of his brick wall and READ my dialogue. Don't say it, READ IT. Make it as unnatural sounding as humanly possible." That is Kevin Smith in a nutshell. Not only are his films are uninteresting to look at, but his characters are one dimensional and get boring after awhile. Jay saying, "fuck this shit," gets rather old after the 30th time. The most annoying aspect of his films is how he constantly has to reference his own work. I have not seen Clerks II, but I'm willing to bet there are a least a dozen references to his previous films, that no one but his devoted fanbase will find funny.

Who needs critics, when I have my family.

Critics hate my movies, but I didn't make movies for critics, I made them for an audience. Besides, I know I'm a good filmmaker, my mommy said I was. I showed her my last movie and she was like, "That's pretty good dear." She then gave me a plate of cookies and nice glass of milk to wash them down with. Critics are stupid, let's see them make a movie. I remember their reviews for Van Helsing and was baffled at how they could possibly hate such a great movie. I mean...Hugh Jackman is a bad ass and Kate Beckinsale is HAWT, therefore how could it possibly be bad. It just goes to show you what critics know. The only kind of films they like are ones with unattractive people that no one sees like About Schmidt. There were not hotties in that film, nor unnecessary violence and gore. Oh......and kudos to Stephen Sommers for those creepy credits at the end of Van Helsing.

I'm going to challenge the Hollywood system by making non-narrative experimental films. Yes, once Hollywood sees my movies they will tremble in fear and their precious caplitalistic system will collapse thanks to my pure art. Once they see my two hour epic entitled Cell Phone, they will panic and be like, "OH NO! WE CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT!"
Cell Phone is my critique on mankind's obsession with his status symbol; it has no actors, but rather is just one long close up of a cell phone, while heaving breathing is heard on the soundtrack. I screened it at the UW-Milwaukee film festival and it was greeted with heavy applause. I became a minor celebrity on the campus and women were begging to give me a blow job. I was like, "Ladies, I did not make this film for myself, I made it for you." Then they treated me to a blow job. It was pretty awesome.
My next film project is entitled Keyboard, in which a hand types on a keyboard for three hours. It will be my masterpiece.
Look out Hollywood a new kind of film is headed your way and you are helpless to stop it.

Cartwright Jones is the greatest American actor of all time.

If you have not heard of Cartwright Jones then I pity you for he is without a doubt the greatest American actor of all time. He's not known for his stage roles, rather for his real life contribution to the war effort during World War II, in which he impersonated a general to confuse the Nazis. By all accounts he gave the performance of a life time. What's even more inspiring is that he was rescued from the Nazis by Clint Eastwood and Richard Burton. They made quite a team.