A Tribute to Blackbeard's Ghost

Blackbeard's Ghost is with out a doubt of the funniest movies of all time! There have been many films about pirate ghosts, but very few have come close to matching Blackbeard's Ghost in sheer hilarity. The film is about a new track coach(Dean Jones) who accidentally summons the ghost of Blackbeard the pirate (Peter Ustinov). The only way for Jones to get rid of Blackbeard is by helping him to perform a good deed. It doesn't help that Jones is the only person who can see Blackbeard's Ghost and that the faculty thinks he has gone out of his mind. We are treated to endless shots of Jones yelling into thin air, while people stare at him, baffled by his behaviour. The best scene involves a track meet in which Blackbeard helps the undergod team, Godolphin win by throwing track members in the air, tripping the other track teams and replacing their batons with hotdogs, flags, and empty soda bottles. The film is 108 minutes, but seems a lot shorter, thanks to its fast pace, likable cast, and cheesy special effects.

5 Worst Films of All Time?

The problem with composing a list of the five worst films of all time is that you will always find a person who disagrees with you. Every year a film is released that could be labeled, "The worst movie of all time." Therefore, while composing this list, I decided to focus on a certain types of films, that is films that set out to make an important statement, but are undermined either by their heavy handedness, self importance, or failure to relay the message they are trying to get across. For instance, Van Helsing is a genuinely awful film, yet it never pretends to be anything more than a film about the vampire hunter and his big breasted female companion trying to stop Dracula from taking over the world. Where as a movie like Patch Adams poses as a scathing critique of the medical establishment, when in reality it is just another film tailored to the wacked out comic stylings of Robin Williams. It's message is undermined by scenes of Robin Williams acting like a complete moron. With out further ado, here are the five films I selected.
Note: The Last Samurai is not on this list.

5. The Village - M. Night Shyamalan is one of the most over-rated directors working film today. His films are admired not so much for the story, but rather for their style. Fans of M. Night Shyamalan are under the false impression that anything he touches is automatically good, which explains why The Village has so many defenders. Yet, if this were not an M. Night Shyamalan film, people would see it for the mediocre film that it is. The Village often feels like an unofficial remake of the forgotten, little seen Roger Corman film Teenage Caveman. Both films sport similar premises, characters and endings. The Village has been interpreted as an allegory for post 9/11 America. In it, the elders (government) of the village have deceived their children into believing that they are in constant threat of attack from an outside force, if they wander out of the village. The elders use scare tactic to maintain the status quo, especially when some one questions their reasoning. The outside world is also part of this deception, as the elders have some how made arrangements with the park service not to allow airplanes to fly over the forest the village is located. This illusion they have created is threatened when one of the sons is stabbed by a knife, and his life is dependent upon the aid of outside medicines.
The problem with this allegory is that is entirely dependent on the twist ending. The entire film is built around the premise that the village takes place in the past and that the outside forces in the woods do exist, and are out to harm the villagers when the pact is broken. The elders seem right in their reasoning in not wanting people to leave the village. When their deception is revealed it's about as involving as watching a man water the lawn. It doesn't seem profound, because Shyamalan's twist ending is pretty damn obvious from the get go. The scenes with the creatures come off as being what they are revealed to be, men in bad costumes.
The characters in the film are not involving either. Lucius (Joaquin Phoenix) is more of a plot device then a character, he wanders into the forest, causes a few bad events to occur, falls in love and is conveniently stabbed, causing the deception of the elders to be exposed (to the audience any ways). Ivy Walker (Bryce Dallas Howard) the quintessential virginal heroine is almost too innocent, not only is her love for Lucius true, but she is blind and therefore oblivious to all the deception that is happening right in front of her nose. Is she supposed to represent the American people, who are blind our government's deception even though it happens ever day?
Or is it her innocence that allows her to survive in both the village and the real world unscathed? The film itself has too many slow sequences that involve characters talking; the first half has absolutely no tension what so ever. The creatures (before they are revealed to be fake) come across as more silly than menacing. The only good thing I can say about the film is that it is beautifully shot by Roger Deakins.



4. Fahrenheit 9/11 - I always find it ironic that Michael Moore is everything he claims to hate: a rich, white male who makes money off of the human suffering. In Bowling For Columbine he cashed in on the losses suffered by the families of the victims in the Columbine tragedy, and in Fahrenheit 9/11 he cashes in on the victims of 9/11 and the Iraq war, while putting on a compassionate front. Fahrenheit 9/11 is riddled with inconsistencies at one point Moore criticizes the Bush administration for allowing members of the bin Laden family to be flown out of the country days after 9/11, only to imply later in the film (He doesn't directly say it) that Osama bin Laden was not responsible for 9/11, that it was in essence a conspiracy between the Bush Administration and Saudi Arabia. He constantly tries to convince the audience of a Bush/Saudi Arabia conspiracy by showing us how they are connected. The Bush Administration is only a friendly basis with Saudi Arabia, therefore there must be an elaborate conspiracy brewing. Unfortunately, Moore fails to tell the audience that the last few presidents, including the Clinton Administration have had friendly relationships with Saudi Arabia, therefore if Bush is part of a conspiracy, then Clinton must be in on it as well. Fahrenheit 9/11 is propaganda at its worst. Rather than do a serious critique of the Bush Administration, Moore resorts to scape goating, character assassination, wild speculations, and over blown (and easy to disprove) conspiracy theories to vilify George W. Bush. He never seems interested in criticizing Bush's actions, rather Bush himself. At one point he criticizes Bush for going to war in Afghanistan, yet when Bush tries using diplomacy with the Taliban by meeting with one of its member, he criticizes Bush in welcoming the enemy and engaging in conspiracy. No matter what George W. Bush does, in the eyes of Michael Moore he is always wrong. It's hard to take Michael Moore seriously, because he seems to have no idea what he wants to say, just who he wants to attack.
There are many things wrong with Fahrenheit 9/11, but it would take me a long time to write all of them down. Fahrenheit 9/11 is either worst documentary ever made or one of the greatest propaganda pieces ever produced. You decide!

3. The Passion of the Christ - For awhile it seemed that this movie was above criticism. When it was released if any one had any sort of criticism for this movie they were accused of hating Christianity. What was even more annoying is how so many televangelists went on television saying how this film was the most accurate depiction of Jesus' crucifixion and death, and that it was more a documentary than an actual film. These are very bold claims, none of which are accurate. The Passion of the Christ can hardly be considered a documentary, or accurate considering how vague the bible is in its description of Jesus' crucifixion. The film is not the bible's representation of the final hours Jesus' life, it is Mel Gibsons interpretation of the bible and what he thinks the last hours were like. The flogging of Jesus by the Romans is never very descriptive, yet Mel Gibson some how lingers on it for more than fifteen minutes of screen time, showing every wound in close up, every drop of blood, every piece of flesh torn out. It is not so much a movie of personal faith as it is a long fetish film made by a man who has an odd fascination with violence.
The main problem with The Passion is its depiction of Jesus, he is never given much of personality, except of a wrongfully oppressed man getting beaten by a corrupt system. The film is completely devoid of any context, therefore for any one who has not read the bible, it is quite a mystery as to why Jesus is being crucified. The film never takes the time (with the exception of a brief flashback to the Sermon on the Mount) to show why the religious leaders and Rome considered Jesus a threat. All the audience is shown is that he is a loving, innocent man who is wrongfully put on trial.
Mel Gibson focuses so much time on the crucifixion, that the resurrection of Jesus is an almost after thought. In the bible it is an awe inspiring event filled with joy and hope, in The Passion it plays more like a build up to violence; Jesus arises out of his tomb, opens his eyes, slowly gets up and looks like he is ready to kick some ass. The fact is that the crucifixion has absolutely no meaning without the resurrection. If Jesus simply died on the cross, then would have just been another would be revolutionary who was chewed by the Roman machine. His resurrection gives the crucifixion a deeper meaning, this is something that completely gets lost in The Passion.
The other problem is how Gibson constantly literalizes evil by having CGI demons pop out of nowhere, shots of an androgynous Satan tempting Christ, and a laughable sequence with Satan and a midget.
It's amazing how in the hands of Mel Gibson that the story of a man who taught peace, love and acceptance becomes one of the goriest films ever made.


2. Persona - I am at a lost as to why so many film professors consider this film to be a great work of art! It is about as boring and pretentious as films come. Persona is supposedly about a nurse who is hired to take care of an actress, who has lost the capacity to speak. As the film progresses their personalities slowly merge, only to be torn apart by deception, or something along those lines. It's hard to get into the story because Ingmar Bergman constantly makes it a point to remind his audience that they are watching a film. Thus there are random shots of projectors, boom mikes, and even a reflection of Bergman directing shot thrown in for good measure. I have no idea what the film is trying to say and neither do most of the film's supporters for that matter. All I know is that if you ever have trouble sleeping, just pop this film into the VCR and you will be out in no time.

1. Patch Adams - The worst movie ever made, no ifs ands or buts about it. Nathan Rabin of The Onion perfectly summed up this film when he wrote, "But the film's fuzzy political content gets submerged under layers of sappy sentimentality, crowd-pleasing speeches, and some of the most shameless audience-manipulation techniques this side of Triumph of the Will." At first Patch Adams seems sincere in it's questioning of the medical establishments attitude towards it patients, but this theme becomes merely a device which allows for Robin Williams to perform some of his most annoying comedy antics to date. Slowly, the theme of the uncaring medical establishments fades into the story of a saintly, almost Christ-like rebel who's unconventional methods bring joy into the lives of some many people. I'm sure some where in the Universal vaults there is a deleted scene that shows Patch heal a young girl of her blindness, while a crippled boy throws down his crutches and walks over to hug him. It's these kind of moments of unearned sentiment that make you sick to your stomach. The main annoying thing about Patch Adams (other than Robin Williams chumming it up for the cameras) is how the director Tom Shadyac uses reaction shots of people laughing to show how funny Patch is. Every time Patch does something remotely funny, there is a close up of sickly patients laughing like it is the funniest thing on the planet, thus renewing a sense of purpose in their life. In one painful scene, Patch puts on a red clown nose, which causes a sick, young girl to laugh hysterically. Patch Adams is 115 minutes long, about 30 minutes of its running time consists of people laughing at Patch's supposedly hilarious antics. It's almost like the filmmakers needed to put in a laugh track, just to remind audiences that they are supposed to laugh at certain moments.
Here is a question for people who like this movie: If a man wearing red clown nose came into your room and said he was your doctor, would you trust him? I think not.
Well, this post took far longer than I expected and I don't think I have said nearly enough to back up my claims. But as far as I'm concerned these are five of the worst films ever made, I'm sure many people will disagree, but these are my selections.

There needs to be a Jason movie, in which Jason decides to turn over a new leaf and a get real job working at a Dairy Queen. The entire film would be Jason resisting the urge to kill customers when they complain about random things or take ten minutes to order food off the menu. There would also be a scene in which Jason sees two co-workers having sex in the back room and Jason spends the entire time fighting the temptation to kill them. He would first fight the urge by making himself a Blizzard, then trying to read a magazine, only to find himself reaching for a nearby knife and heading towards the back room. Just when he's about to give in to his homicidal urges, the two walk out of the backroom and the guy high fives Jason. This would make for one good movie. Don't you think? Any one? Any one? Hello.....any one out there?

Hi, my name is Drew, but you can call me yours. I know what you are thinking, how could some one as attractive as myself possibly be single? Well, frankly I have yet to find a woman that lives up to my standard of excellence. I am a model of perfection, where as every girl I have met has been riddled with imperfections. I despise imperfections, especially in women. I once was dating this girl named Sally. We were on our way to the Gap, when she made the mistake of saying she like Burger King. I was repulsed. I only eat healthy foods, therefore I could not stomach the idea of dating some one who fills her body with unhealthy crap like Burger King. I stopped the car and told her to get out. She was in tears, I drove away. Another time, I was dating a girl who started singling along to a Britney Spears song in the car, I immediately turned off the radio and said, "Stop singing, you have a horrible voice. Don't mock Britney Spears!" Then I insisted she pull over, so I could walk to the nearest bus station.
Well, that's all I have for now. I hope there are some lovely ladies out there looking for a perfect male such as myself to sweet them off their feet; be sure to have a flawless profile or else I won't accept you.


PS: I'm currently low on cash, so if you could pay for the first couple of dates, that would be much appreciated.

Point:

Guys, can we stop off for a few snacks? I'm hungry and I didn't eat any thing before we headed out. Please, it will only take a few minutes. I can't watch a Packer game on an empty stomach.

Later....

Let's see, what do I need? Ah yes, a loaf of bread, some ham, and delicous potato salad. EWWWWW, look a container of coleslaw on sale of a dollar eighty five! I hope the guys don't leave me behind like they did last time.

Later......

Guys I'm done. GUYS? GUYS? OH VERY FUNNY GUYS!

Counter-point:

Oh crap, we left John back at the grocery store again. Should we turn around and get him?

No time, the game is about to start.

It doesn't start for another forty five minutes.

OK, I don't want to turn around and pick up his fat ass, he can walk! Believe me, we all win in the long run; John will get some much needed exercise and I will save money on gas.

The memoirs of My Father, the Packer Backer

Part I: The Packer Game

ALL RIGHT THE PACKERS ARE ON TODAY! ALL RIGHT! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE BRETT FAVRE AND THEM PACKERS WIN THEM VIKINGS! GO GREEN BAY!

Later.........

COME ON FAVRE! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? YOU CALL THAT A THROW? COME ON FOCUS! FOCUS, DAMN IT! What are they doing now? Why are you running it on third and fifteen? THAT'S JUST FUCKIN' STUPID! OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, HE FUMBLED THE BALL! It's just like the Packers to ruin a two touch down lead. Where's the beer? I need a drink. THEY DON'T DESERVE TO WIN!

Later.....

Well, the Packers proved once again that they are the awesome team. Sure, they made mistakes, but in the end they proved to be the victor. GO GREEN BAY!

(Note: This is not a picture of my father.)

I expressed my love for Buster Keaton a few post back. However, I did not do enough justice to the GREATEST comedian of all time. What is amazing about Buster Keaton is how well his films still hold up. The General, Sherlock Jr., Our Hospitality, and The Navigator still are funny after 70+ years; at times they completely mesmerizing in how well constructed and timed they are. Very few films have surpassed The General. Buster Keaton is my favorite comedian of all time. I prefer Keaton to Charlie Chaplin, mainly because Keaton doesn't try as hard to make you like his character. Chaplin is always look for sympathy, at times his techniques are enough to induce vomiting, especially in his film Limelight. Don't get me wrong, Chaplin was an incredible talent; Moderns Time and City Lights are two of my favorite films, it's just that I prefer Keaton's more subtle touch. Not to mention Keaton's films generally fly at a much faster pace, often he doesn't give you time to catch your breath. If you have not seen any Buster Keaton film, then I recommend you either rent a few, or try to catch them when they are showing on Turner Classic Movies. Don't let the fact that they are silents turn you off; they are far more visually exciting that most movies now a days. End.

10 Favorite Things on the Planet

1. Being an uncle, because it gives me an excuse to play with toy cars. Not to mention, I can warp the minds of my nephew and niece. Ha Ha Ha!
2. Doing moronic dance moves with friends.
3. Women who aren't afraid of me.
4. Women who don't like movies. I'm a film studies major; the last thing I want to talk about when I'm with a woman is movies.
5. Women who like to dance.
6. Stuffing my face at family get togethers.
7. Good DVDs that are on sale.
8. Sleep.
9. Having a blog where I can spew out pointless rants that no one really cares to read about.
10. Music, particularly classic rock, 80s rock and old school punk rock.

The Greatest Franchise of ALL TIME:
In the 80s, the cinema was populated with machete wielding psychos, bad music, and Police Academy movies. From 1984 to 1989, six Police Academy films were made, which resulted in countless imitations and a short lived cartoon series based off the hit films. In 1994 the producers tried to revive the franchise with Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, despite the sheer brilliance of the idea, the public seemingly had enough of the franchise. Not me though, they could make ten more Police Academy movies and I would be dumb enough to buy all of them, especially if Steve Guttenberg reprised his role as Mahoney. The writing was far from brilliant, the acting was less then great, the comedy often fell flat; despite all of these weaknesses, the Police Academy films had a great deal of energy to them, you got to admire a franchise that is willing to stick to a re-occurring joke in which a character unwittingly walks into a gay bar (even though the joke wore out its welcome at the end of the first film). There's something oddly enduring about Captain Harris constantly shouting,"MAHONEY" thirty times through out each film and always failing in his scheme to bring down the Police Academy. Then there's Jones constantly making sound effects with his mouth, always fooling criminals into thinking they are surrounded by police, or that they are fighting a super human being. Finally, who can forget the clue less Commandant Lassard (played by George Gaynes, who delighted millions of TV viewers as Henry on Punky Brewster), who despite being a complete moron managed to keep his job at the academy. The best scenes always involved him talking to his gold fish and nearly killing it in the process. The Police Academy series will always have a special place in my every growing, cynical heart. Go out and rent all seven! You will either be pleasantly surprised, or you will want to kill the first person you come in contact with. Either way, it is quite an experience.

Today, I went to see the movie Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. While I personally didn't like it, I could see why other people (namely women) would like it, therefore I give it a B+.
In other news, I watched Star Wars Episode II on DVD; this film keeps getting better every time I watch it. The romance is well done and fight scenes are exciting. Star Wars does what The Lord of the Rings trilogy failed to do, tell an exciting story successfully with CGI. I just can't wait to own all six films on DVD.
That's it for now.

Note: The opinions of this person are not necessarily the opinions of this blog.

More scandalous pictures:

A historic moment!

I hate Family Guy. I remember when this show used to be funny, now it is nothing but a series of desperate, unoriginal, recycled comedy bits stolen either from funnier shows (South Park, The Simpsons) or from the first two seasons. It's almost like Seth MacFarlane ran out of ideas and looks at older episodes for inspiration.
"Hmmm, if that five minute chicken fight was funny the first time around, just imagine how funny it will be a second time. People will be delighted!"
"South Park did an episode that ridiculed Passion of the Christ, therefore I must do one as well. Only make it about one tenth as funny."
"People love the pedophile. I bet if I bring him back again, it will get just as much laughter the first ten times I used him."

I'm just waiting for Seth MacFarlane to make an episode that brings back the guy who shouts, "You're a big phony." And while we're at it, why not bring back Jorad and his highway warriors?After all, Seth they were funny the first time around, therefore their reappearance should produce as much laughter, if not more. And if we're lucky maybe we'll get a Family Guy - American Dad cross over episode. If it worked for the Simpsons and the Critic, why not for Family Guy and American Dad? Family Guy is proving to be The Master of Disguise of prime time, animated television show. Good job Seth!

Point:

Did you see that movie? It was good. I'm serious, it was a good movie. I was expecting it to be entertaining, but I never thought it was going to be so GOOD! It was a GOOD MOVIE! I mean, the scene in which the girl and guy make out was HOT! As was that exciting chase sequence at the film's conclusion. Fuckin' A, this was a GOOD MOVIE!

Counterpoint:

It was OK! I mean, the romance seemed forced and chase sequence went on way too long. I mean, I kept looking at my watch thinking, "Will this damn thing ever end?" I was disappointed. I mean, I didn't think the movie was bad, it was just OK! I mean.

Counter-counter point:

ZEPPELIN ROCKS!

Counter-counter-counter point:

They're OK!

Target, the ideal place to meet women?

Yesterday I was shopping at the Target in Waukesha and I realized that the place was filled with lots and lots of good looking women. I kid you not! The place was jam packed with hotties; customers and employees a like. And the best part is: The majority of them were of legal age. If you are a single, lonely guy then I suggest you go the the nearest Target and find yourself a women. You have a whole variety to choose from. Of course, the amount of hot women might vary depending on which Target you go to, therefore I would suggest you drive out to Waukeshal; with luck you will find the right woman.

Plus, they have shit load of regular priced $13.78 DVDS on sale for $10. Hurry, the offer expires on Saturday.

Gossip:

Yesterday a Certain Some One was spotted kissing You Know Who at a
nearby McDonald's. This Certain Some One reportedly popped the question
to You Know Who and You Know Who rejected this Certain Some One's
proposal. This Certain Some One was reportedly so distraught over the
rejection that he ran out of the nearby McDonald's in tears, which prompted
incessant laughter from You Know Who.

NEWS

Dave Faber, fellow blogger, college student and current employee of Marcus North Shore Cinema has left everything behind to embark on a quest to meet Keira Knightley. I got an e-mail from him yesterday, which read the following:


Goggman,

I must meet Keira Knightley. I have decided I would travel to the ends of the earth just to say, "What's up?" to her. I leave you in charge of taking care of my pet turtle. Talk to you later.

Faber

PS. I bought the movie Mission To Mars on DVD, it was hilarious.

As of now, I do not know where Dave Faber is. I do not know if he has succeeded in meeting Keira Knightley. All I know is that I have lost his pet turtle. If any one has information regarding its where abouts, please, please contact me. I will reward you with a video copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II. That's quite a generous offer. Thank you.

Taco Bell is delicious.

Last night I got so wasted, it was...it was fuckin' awesome. I mean, like I was totally smashed...it was hysterical. It was pretty bad ass, my friends Jim, Jack, Joe and I went to this bar and we drank a ton of brew. I got so wasted. I was totally macking on this chick sitting next to me, it was extremely bad ass! I think I might have even touched one of her breasts. It was so awesome. Man, I haven't been this wasted since last week. Then Jim, Jack, Joe and I went back to our apartment and drank some more brew. I think I threw up a few times, it was BOSS! I had a huge hang over, then I went to work at Denny's. Half way through my shift I realized that I didn't work at Denny's. It was crazy, man. Any ways, tonight Jim, Jack, Joe, and I are going to hit the bars again. Hope to catch ya there. Peace out!

Tim Burton: Hack or Auteur?
People often are under the delusion that Tim Burton is a brilliant autuer, who's film are profound pieces of art, when in actuality they are mediocre attempts at trying to make a statement about how wonderful it is to be different. Tim Burton pisses me off! I can't stand how he promotes himself as being a misunderstood artist, when clearly he revels in trying to make yet another studio picture that will make lots of money. If he would directly say that his interest in film making is monetary, maybe I could respect him. But he constantly talks about how his films are personal expressions of his tormented soul. Shut up Burton, you love money which is why you made Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a sure fire hit.
People often talk about how great Tim Burton's visual style is; Tim Burton has no visual style, he blatantly rips off of old German expressionistic and Universal Monster films. In Sleepy Hollow, the windmill scene is a virtual rehash of windmill scene in the far far far superior Frankenstein. Watch any Universal Monter movie and you will see that Tim Burton has generously borrowed his visual look from practically every one of these films. What's amazing is how these film are so consistently stylistic, yet they were made by a different set of directors, writers, cinematographers, etc. Thus shutting up the notion that you need a top flight director to make a visually superior film. The auteur theory has always been a load of nonsense, mainly because it assumes if a director makes five or six good films, then ALL his films must be good, or at least worth looking at. This applies to Tim Burton, he's made a few decent films, yet many people think because he's made a few entertaining films (never any masterpieces) that all his films must be good. Therefore, Burton fans tend to make his films out to be a lot better than they actually are.
Almost every one I know regards the 1989 version of Batman as being the DEFINITIVE Batman, when in actuality it is the definitive Joker film; Batman is given nothing to do but whisper softly and say stupid one liners like, "Alfred, let's go shopping." There's no attempt to examine the character or make him remotely interesting, except in a half assed flashback that shows the Joker aka Jack Napier gunning down his parents. The scene doesn't reveal too much about Bruce Wayne/Batman, it mainly shows his motivation for wanting to stop the Joker. If Jack Nicholson was not the STAR of the Tim Burton's Batman, there's no way people would hold it up on such a high pedestal. It's by no means a bad movie, but its far from being one of the best superhero films of all time. I think the latest cycle of superhero films (with the exception of Fantastic Four and the dreadful Daredevil) have put Tim Burton's Batman to shame. I could just see Tim Burton on the set of the film, giving Jack Nicholson directorial advice, "Your motivation is that you are a misunderstood artist, just like me. I'm so misunderstood, I was an outsider, therefore I'm filled with so much angst."
Does that mean I think all of Tim Burton's films are bad? No, just his direction. Generally, Tim Burton's film are saved by the strength of its casts, or the conviction of the ideas; Pee-Wee's Big Adventure; Beetle Juice, Edward Scissorhands, and Ed Wood (I admit that unlike a lot of my peers, I did like Big Fish) are among Burton's best works, mainly because the casting was perfect and the writing was top notch. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure is not so much a movie, but a string of clever ideas strung together. However, his other films including the over-rated Batman films suffer from poor writing, bad casting (Michael Keaton WAS not and IS not a good Batman), and are often self congragulatory in their darkness. Many of his visuals (like the overlong chase sequence in Sleepy Hollow) call attention to themselves and have a tendency to take away from the story rather than help it move along. Any one ever trying listening to Tim Burton commentary, all he ever talks about is how much he loves a certain shot, while laughing at what is happening on screen. "I love this shot, it's misunderstood like me. Oh look, Johnny Depp fell on his ass. Ha Ha!"
I would like to see Tim Burton do a film that isn't filled with lame homages, dumb one liners, pale people dressed in black, and that doesn't have a lead character who is misunderstood. Of course, many of his fans would say, "But that's taking away from his style. He makes a certain kind of film and he's good at what he does." The problem with that is you are unable to tell just how good of a director he truly is, because he makes the same type of film every year. It's like the author of a book writing the same novel every year with slight variations and getting rave notices for not writing something that is remotely different. He relies on the same trickery to tell a story, but never attempts to find a different way to tell a story. Just imagine if Tim Burton made a film about George Washington, it probably would be all dark, gothic, and have Johnny Depp as Washington.
The only good thing I can say about Tim Burton is that he is not Kevin Smith. At least, he is a visual artist, where as Kevin Smith's idea of cinema is people standing in front of brick walls, having long winded conversations that don't go any where.

I have decided that a blog is a waste of time, therefore rather than bore people to death with all the meaningless nonsense that goes on in my life; I have decided instead to bore people to death with all the meaningless nonsense that occurs in other peoples lives. This should be ever so fun.
Yesterday, Kevin Neville was spotted shaving his unibrow while shouting, "NO MAN!" at the mirror, apparently he was rehearsing what he would say at the Landmark if some one told him to cut down on his drinking.
Meanwhile, Matt Majewski was spotted at Best Buy, looking for the Criterion Edition of By Brakhage, only to realize that they didn't sell it there.
On a lighter note, Dave Faber began filming his shot for shot, scene for scene remake of Santa With Muscles. Expect it to hit video stores in Decemeber.
Finally, Pauly Shore and Steve Guttenberg have decided to join force to make the ultimate comedy, Board To Death, in which they play two snowboarders who also solve murder mysteries in their spare time. It should send chills down your spine. Roger Ebert raves: "I like this movie, and if I like it, it must be bad."
That is all.

Get a job? Ridiculous, for I am an ACTOR, and the only thing that consumes my life is my passion for the theater. ACTORS must concentrate first and foremost on their craft; a job would only prove distracting. Thankfully, my girlfriend is willing to pay all my bills until I get my feet off the ground. I am currently auditioning for a role in the upcoming screen adaptation of
Boys Meets World. I have been in a few films in the last decade; I was partygoer #4 in She's All That and recently I had a speaking role in the film Stealth. As Josh Lucas walked by, I turned around and said, "What's up?" then continued on my way.
Note: Two minutes after this post, the actor's girlfriend broke up with him. She is currently dating a guy who manages his own Chinese restaurant.

Films That I Liked, Part II

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly (1966) Possibly the greatest western (and movie) EVER MADE! This is the third film in The Man With No Name Trilogy and is the most ambitious of the three. Its hard to do justice to this film in a few sentence, therefore I will have to write a review of the film some time in the future. Either way it is a must see.

M(1931) Fritz Lang's masterpiece about a child murderer (Peter Lorre) that is not only being pursued by the police, but organized criminals as well. What is surprising is how the killer isn't treated as villain, rather as a flawed human being. Lorre is memorable, especially in the final sequence that takes place in a kangaroo court.

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (1953) This films main contribution to film history is that it was basically ripped off by the Japanese as Godzilla, King of the Monsters. Its by no means great, but the special effects by Ray Harryhausen still hold up, especially the scene in which The Beast terrorizes New York City.

The Seven Samurai (1954) The cinematography is breath taking, the fight scenes exciting, it is with out a doubt Akira Kurosawa's masterpiece. Despite a three and a half hour running time, the film always maintains one's interest.

Better Off Dead (1985) Dave Faber referenced this film in his review for Must Love Dogs, but he didn't do it any justice. What makes Better Off Dead such a good film is its inventive gags (a psychotic paper boys wanting "two dollar.") and over the top sense of humor (A claymation sequence that involves a hamburger playing electric guitar). The film rings out many laughs before settling down to a (kind of) conventional ending.

The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) positively with out a doubt the best screen version of Robin Hood. I can't find a single flaw in the movie, except maybe Will Scarlet's stupid facial gesture when he starts playing his instrument. Other than that, everything about this film is wonderful. Not to mention Basil Rathbone kicks ass as Sir Guy of Gisbourne.

The Scarlet Claw (1944) Speaking of Basil Rathbone, he was not only a great villain, but the screens best Sherlock Holmes. The Scarlet Claw is arguably the best film in the Sherlock Holmes series. Holmes goes to Canada to investigate murders that seem to be the work of a ghost. Watching Rathbone is always a pleasure, but this entry also features top notch work from the supporting cast, good special effects, and a wonderfully eerie atmosphere.

About A Boy (2002) The odd thing concerning About A Boy is that it's usually the type of film I hate with a passion. After all, there have been many life affirming films made in which a complete loser turns his life around thanks the presence of a lovable child. What makes About A Boy enjoyable is that the child in question is hardly an innocent and the film is quite funny, despite sentimental moments that threaten to get in the way.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) I include this film in my list because I didn't like the first two Harry Potter films, yet I found this one completely entertaining. Maybe its because this one had a darker side to it; maybe Gary Oldman rules despite his limited screen time, or possibly it could be that it's the shortest of the three. I don't know, but for some unknown reason I liked it so much that I bought it on DVD (it was on sale).

Ed Wood (1994) This was made back in the days before Tim Burton turned into a complete hack. Ed Wood is affectionate look at the worst director of all time with out so much a hint of condescension on Burton's part. Johnny Depp is likeable as the oddball director and Landau deservedly won an Oscar for his portrayal of Bela Lugosi. It's amazing how a transvestite who made bad movies became the subject for a good movie.

Films That I Like, Part I.

I have often been accused by my peers of hating everything, especially movies. When ever I say I didn't like a movie, people usually respond by saying, "But you hate every movie." This is simply not true. I don't hate every movie, it's just more fun to tear movies apart than it is to talk about how much you enjoyed watching them. Seriously, when you hate a movie you can talk endlessly for hours about what you didn't like about it, when you like a movie there's never really much to say. "It was good!" However, I would like to dismiss the myth that I hate every movie. Therefore, here is a list of movies I do *gulp* like.

Nevermind, I do hate every movie. Damn it, every one was right about me. When did I become such a bitter old man? Why can't I feel? WHHHHYYYYYYYY? WHYYYYYYYYY?
Just kidding!

List (Part I):

Stop Making Sense (1984)- the greatest concert movie ever made; proving once again that the Talking Heads are the greatest band of all time.

The General (1927)- A silent comedy starring the greatest comedian of all time, Buster Keaton. Beautifully done, definitely worth a look.

King Kong (1933)- The 1933 classic is dated in many respects, but it is far more entertaining that most special effects films that are made today.

The Lord of the Rings trilogy - In my opinion (which many will consider blasphemy) the movies
are vastly superior to the books. The characters have more depth, and the battles have a bigger dynamic to them. The books are often sidetracked by endless poems and songs, and unnecessary characters like Tom Bombadil.

Rear Window (1954)- Hitchcock's best film. People often mentally masturbate to the fact that the dreadful film Phone Booth takes place entirely in a phone booth, well all of Rear Window (with th exception of two scenes) takes place in James Stewart's apartment. Most of the film is seen from his point of view, unlike Phone Booth, which has multiple points of view and noisy visuals.

Evil Dead II (1987) - Possibly the best sequel of all time. Not only does it improve upon the original film, but it is loaded with lots of memorable moments, the best being the scene in which Bruce Campbell tells a jabbering demon's head to "Swallow This!" Then blasting it into many pieces.

American Graffiti (1973)- What happened to George Lucas? It's hard to believe the man responsible for this moving film is also the same man who gave us three very ummoving Star Wars prequels. American Graffiti is perhaps Lucas best and most personal film and his love for the era shows. It features wonderfully performances from a then unknown cast; has a great soundtrack; and beautifully crafted sequences that revolve around cars crusing the streets. It's a film practically any one can relate to.

Jaws (1975)- My favorite Spielberg film. Some how Spielberg was able to take a crummy novel and turn it into an exciting action film that still holds up after repeated viewings. The cast is tremendous (Especially Robert Shaw as Captain Quint) and Spielberg builds the suspense by never showing the shark until half way through the film. The effects have shown their age; but I personally prefer an outdated mechanical shark to the equally phony looking CGI ones apparent in movies now a days.

House of Wax (1953) - Not the awful remake, but the 1953 version starring Vincent Price. The film is predictable as they come (pretty much every one knows Vincent Price's fate once the film begins), but nevertheless it is an incredily fun film to watch. Price is in top form as a mad sculptor and the film never takes itself to seriously. It's even better in 3D, especially the infamous paddle ball man sequence.

Ghostbusters (1984) One of the many films I grew up watching and still retains its charm despite having seen over 500 times. What impresses me about Ghostbusters is how restrained it is at times. The comedians don't mug it up for the camera and Bill Murray's dead pan persona nicely contrasts with the special effects. However, my favorite performance belong to Rick Moranis who constantly locks himself out of his apartment, while hopelessly trying to impress Sigourney Weaver.

This is part one of my list. Take in mind this is not a greatest films list, just films that I like. In future lists you will more than likely see titles like She's All That and Teen Wolf, neither is very good, but they are entertaing to watch.

WOW! I am shocked to find out that more than three people read my blog. This is truly an amazing development. It turns out that at least five or six people read my blog, and maybe a few others who come across it by accident. This is awesome. I'm going to celebrate by drinking a delicious can of Cherry Pepsi, then maybe I will eat some ice cream.

Johnny Depp is incapable of giving a bad performance.

Why is it that when ever Johnny Depp is in a movie, every one is under the impression that he is automatically brilliant in the role he is playing. Seriusly, he is absolutely dreadful in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, yet there are many people who think he is wonderful, mainly because he's Johnny Depp, and Johnny Depp is bad ass. Don't get me wrong, I think Johnny Depp is a good actor; he's probably one of my favorites. Yet, even good actors are capable of delivering bad performances. Such is the case with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; Johnny Depp gives a really annoying performance that consists of stupid one liners and a huge smile; there's no personality to the role. If it wasn't Johnny Depp playing Willy Wonka, there's no way people would be defending such a subpar performance. And if Tim Burton wasn't the director, there's no way any one would enjoy such an awful film.

I hate college students. They think they intellectually superior to every one else on the planet; yet are willing to pay money to see movies like Wedding Crashers and The Dukes of Hazzard. They can never see movies during the day, rather it has to be a late show that falls on a week night. They hope to avoid crowds by seeing a weeknight late show, but unfortunately they end sharing the theatre with other college students, who have the same faulty logic. Even more annoying is that half of the college crowd doesn't arrive until after the film has started. They always come in late and they MUST have their snacks, so they walk up to the vending stand and waste even more money on needless concessions. People who are willing to waste money on a bad movie and on needless concessions have no right claiming they are intellectually superior to any one. College students, especially the self proclaimed "intellects" are far more easy to manipulate than any one else. Just look at Michael Moore, he has the majority of college students believing he is a crusader for the people, when in actuality he is fat, money hungry capitalist that makes his millions exploiting the tragedies of others. However, since he claims to be anti-establishment and other cliches that college students eat up; he is elevated to a near god status by all the ignorant, college intellects who can't think for themselves.

PS: I don't hate all college students, just the liberal intellects that support Marxism and atheism.
If you want to be a true rebel in college, say you believe in God and support capitalism. It will shock most of your class mates, which in turn will make you a true rebel amongst all the non-conformist conformists.

This is for all you Batman fans.
And Turner Classic Movie fans as well.

Did you know that God gave rock n' roll to you? I found this out last night while listening to the rock stylings of KISS. For years rock n' roll has been labeled the Devil's music, but KISS put this theory to rest with their song "God Gave Rock N' Roll To You." So, if you are a Christian that wasn't allowed to listen to rock n' roll music, now's the time to put your fears to rest, go out and buy a rock album. Because rock n' roll is not the Devil's music, it's God's music. Thank you KISS for putting an end to this much heated debate.

And while you are buying a rock album, you should pick up a copy of Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, which features the hit song by KISS, "God Gave Rock N' Roll To You." That is all!

I drank a Mountain Dew last night. Not bad.
Here's a decent link to a Mountain Dew site.
www.mountaindew.com

The Dukes of Hazzard is one bad ass movie! I had the extreme privilige of seeing this movie last night and I was blown away by how bad ass it was. It was so bad ass that it made XXX look like Oliver Twist. I used to think nothing could top XXX in its bad assedness, but lo and behold The Dukes of Hazzard came along, and took the top spot on the 10 Most Bad Ass Films Ever Made. Here is my new revised list of the top 10 Bad Ass Movies of All Time:

1. The Dukes of Hazzard
2. XXX
3. Stealth
4. The Matrix trilogy
5. Chronicles of Riddick
6. Mortal Kombat
7. Constantine
8. Blade: Trinity
9. Mission to Mars
10. Fight Club

Forget the critics, The Dukes of Hazzard is the best movie I've ever seen.

ARE YOU A GIRL?

Excuse me! Can I ask you a question? Are you a girl? Because if you are, I would like to take you out to a dinner and a movie; afterwards we can go to my apartment and watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. Wouldn't that be delightful? However, this lovely transaction can only take place if and only if you are a girl. I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with being gay, I just don't swing that way. I am 95% certain that you a girl, but in this day and age it is hard to tell. One can never be 100% certain, so could you please specify as to which sex you are. I once made the mistake of confusing a man for being a woman. I saw him at a bar, he had long hair, a nice rack, and luscious red lips. I offered to buy him a drink, he accepted. Then I asked him if he would like to go back to my place; he then told me he was married to a beautiful wife. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't believe I mistook a man for being a woman. Ever since then I have been extremely cautious when approaching women in bars. If you are a girl, then you are without a doubt one of the loveliest females I have ever met in my entire life. If not, then it was a pleasure meeting you sir. So......... ARE YOU A GIRL?

The Greatest Sherlock Holmes of them all!!! If you have never seen Basil Rathbone as Sherlock Holmes, then you are missing out on a lot my friends. He is far and away the best

Sherlock Holmes ever. He played the detective 14 times on film from 1939 to 1946. Each of the 14 entries in the Sherlock Holmes series are highly entertaining films, even the lesser ones are interesting, if not inspired. If you have the chance check out these five Sherlock Holmes films:

The Scarlet Claw

Pearl of Death

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes

The Spider Woman

Hound of the Baskervilles

Rob Cohen: Shitty Director or a Misunderstood Auteur?

Last night, I saw the latest Rob Cohen film, Stealth. Needless to say, it was a typical Rob Cohen film filled with bad dialogue, huge explosion, needless romantic subplots, and people displaying super human powers. This film was so ridiculous that it was impossible to despise it. You wish you could hate it; you want to hate it, but it's so asinine in its execution that you can't help but to laugh. Its very much like Rob Cohen's other films. XXX is essentially a two hour Mountain Dew commercial with huge explosions, slutty women, bad acting, and bad ass stunts scattered through out. It's story line makes no sense, the characters are complete idiots, and at times it is so embarrassing to watch that you want to kill yourself. Yet, despite all its imperfections, it is quintessential viewing. Which begs the question is Rob Cohen a shitty director or a misunderstood auteur? I would argue the latter, as it seems that Cohen is incapable of making a film that doesn't entertain (if for the wrong reasons.) As bad as Stealth was, it never gave me the urge to gauge out my eyeballs like the painfully bad Van Helsing. Instead, I was in a constant state of laughter. Here are some memorable highlights from the film:

1. Pointless romantic interlude in Thailand. In the middle of the movie, the three stealth pilots played by Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel, and Jamie Foxx are on vacation in Thailand. This sequence serves no purpose what so ever in the film. In fact, the only reason it exists is to show Jessica Biel in a bikini and for Jamie Foxx to make snappy one liners, while discussing military secrets in public. Its ten minutes of sheer pointlessness.

2. Close ups of innocent civilians every time the team goes on a mission. Everytime, the team was sent on a mission, there would be countless close ups of innocent civilains to emphasizes how dangerous their mission was. If they made one screw up, the lives of many innocent people would be put in jeopardy. Cohen uses this device in practically every other scene.

3. There is a sequence in which Jessica Biel ejects from her stealth, while she is doing a free fall, debris from her sleath rains down on her. This is roughly a five minute scene and she some how manages to talk the entire sequence, narrating her plight to the command center. She talks, talks, talks, and despite being in such a horrible plight, she manages to remain coherent the entire time. The people at the command center understand her perfectly. She never once breaks up, nor does she run out of breath, despite falling at a super fast speed, being hit by fiery debris, and having her chute burn away by the derbis, she remains calm. Its Rob Cohen at his idiotic best.

4. Explosions. There is a sequence in which there is an explosion in an Alaskan hangar, causing many men and their trucks to go flying through the air. The best thing about this scene is that you see the men go flying from multiple angles, therefore you get to analyze just how unnatural their flight pattern is; it's obvious that they are being pulled by wires. This explosion is sheer genius on the part of Cohen. Not only is it comedic, but it gives the audience the explosion to top all explosions.

5. Jessica Biel as Rambo. Towards the middle of the film the Jessica Biel character finds herself stranded in North Korea. She is armed with only with a semi-automatic gun, yet despite this major handicap, decides to take on the North Korean army. It is a credit to her badassedness that she WINS. That's right, like every one's favorite unstable Vietnam vet John Rambo, Jessica Biel kicks ass. She even lets out a war cry when she fires her gun at the pursuing North Korean army.

These are my thoughts as of now. If I have more to say about Stealth, I will do so in a future post.

Yesterday I watched the movie Legend. It was a GOOD movie. I was really stunned by it. I like fantasy movies; particularly ones that revolve around elves. I love elves. I love elves so much that I have begun to write my own fantasy novel entitled Elven Dragonslayers Meet the Amazionan Hotties. In my novel, a group of male elven dragonslayers are on a quest to kill Sarloff, the sadistic dragon; however they get sidetracked when they encounter GIRLS, Amazionian Hotties that wear absolutely nothing. It's by far the best novel I have ever worked on. It even tops my brilliant novel, "The Two Kings."

I hate new movies. Seriously, is there anything more lame than wasting two hours of your life, watching some recycled piece of garbage that you can essentially watch on every friggin' TV station. Recently, it seems that all the cinema has to offer is remakes, sequels, prequels, commercials in the form of movies, rip offs, spin offs, and Jude Law films. When did the cinema become so lame? What has the world come to when Nora Ephron can make an updated version of Bewitched, yet I am relegated to posting my thoughts on some half assed blog? I could easily write a screenplay to Bewitched. I'm just as talentless as Nora Ephron, maybe even more so. In fact, just to prove my point that it doesn't take talent to make a film, I wish to submit my screenplay for Bewitched. Enjoy!

INT. Daytime. The camera fades into a kitchen, where SAMANTHA the lovable witch is making breakfast for DARREN, her husband. Darren enters the kitchen fixing his tie.

Darren: Samantha, have you seen Garfield?

Samantha: No! I can't say that I have.

Darren: Oh! What's for breakfast?

Samantha: Taco Bell!

Darren: Samantha, I'm getting sick of Taco Bell.

Samantha: FINE!

Samantha wiggles her nose. The Taco Bell is transformed into McGriddles.

Darren: Now, that's more like it! I love McGriddles.

Samantha: Darren, I need to talk to you about something.

Darren: What?

Darren takes a sip from his coffee mug.

Samantha: I'm pregnant!

Darren spits out his coffee. He stumbles over a chair and lands on his head. He gets up, rubs his head a few times and faces Samantha.

Darren: WHAT?

Samantha: Yes! I'm pregnant and I want an abortion.

Darren: An abortion? That's not ethical!

Samantha: I don't care. I can't bring a child into this world.

Darren: But Jeannie....

Samantha: I'm Samantha.

Darren: Oh yeah! But Samantha, I want to have children.

Samantha: Fine, then you carry the child.

Samantha wiggles her nose. Darren looks down and sees that he is pregnant.

Darren: OH NO! OH NO! I can't live like this!

Darren jumps out a window. He manages to break both his legs, despite the fact that the window he jumped out of is five feet off the ground.

Just then Garfield walks in with a tray of lasagna.

Garfield: I hate Mondays.

The End!

You see, positive proof that it doesn't take talent to write a screenplay.

This weekend I drove up to Minneapolis to visit my friend Will. On Saturday we went to the Mall of America, which was positively a horrendous experience. The Mall of America sucks! Sure, it has an indoor amusement park and its the biggest mall in the states, but nonetheless it sucks ass. It is essentially your typical mall ten times the normal size. It has the same stores that can be found in every mall with ten times the crowd and noise. Will and I spent most of our time at the Barnes and Nobles located on the first floor. I bought three books, Michael Moore is a Big, Fat Stupid White Man, Reds, and The Guns of August. The only positive thing I can say about the Mall of America is that it was swarming with lots and lots of hot women, but even their presence couldn't make up for its severe shittiness. If you're ever in Minnesota, do yourself a favor and avoid The Mall of America. You will be thankful that you did.

Yesterday, I went to McDonald's and I ordered a Big Mac. They gave me a Double Cheeseburger. I said, "I ordered a Big Mac!" To which the old lady behind the counter replied, "Would you like some fries with that?" I said, "Why yes, that would be delightful." So they gave me fries and I was like, "Now, can I have my Big Mac." The old lady replied, "Oh, you want a Big Mac. OK! Would you like fries with that?" I said, "Why yes, that would be delightful." The old lady gave me fries and a Big Mac. I then walked over to a booth, I opened by Big Mac carton, only to find a Double Cheeseburger. WTF? I walked up to the counter and spoke to the manager, "Sir, I ordered a Big Mac; the lady gave me a Double Cheeseburger."
He said, "A Big Mac? We don't have Big Macs here!"
I said, "Isn't this McDonald's?"
"No, this is Burger King!"
"Son of a bitch!"
I then threw a huge temper tantrum. I hit the wall with my fist a few times and bloodied my knuckles. I kicked a garbage can with my foot and sprained my ankle. I then broke down in tears, screaming, "ALL I WANTED WAS A BIG MAC!" Then a teenager walked up to me and said, "Get a hold of yourself, you whiney pussy! If you want a Big Mac so badly, just go to McDonald's. It's right across the street." He then smacked me upside the head a few times and kicked me in the nose four times. He walked away laughing, I continued crying. Finally, after whining for half an hour, I retained my composure, got up, and walked over to McDonald's. I ordered a Big Mac, and it was far and away the best Big Mac I ever had.

FISH DAY

Yesterday was Fish Day. Fish Day is essentially a poor man's Summerfest held annually on the third Saturday of July, by the lakefront in the town of Port Washington. It's really just an excuse to get drunk, listen to bad music, eat fish, and litter. It's proudly known as the world's largest fish fry. I drove up to Fish Day with my friends, Brad, Peter and Will. We didn't really spend too much time at the festival, rather we went to my sister's house by the lakefront, ate food and drank beer. It was a pretty good time. We then walked down to the light house to watch the fireworks. However, instead of boring you to death with long, descriptive details about what we saw, I have decided to post pictures of the many sights you would encounter if you

went to Fish Day. Enjoy!

Yesterday, I was at Wal-Mart, looking through the 5.50 bin, when I saw the most gorgeous woman on the face of the planet. I kid you not! She was without the best looking woman I had laid my eyes upon. In the back of my mind I was wondering, "Why the hell is she at Wal-Mart?" Then I realized that her being at Wal-Mart is the last place any one would expect her to be. She came to Wal-Mart to get away from all the male gawkers that populate bars and clubs. I decided I would win her over with my charm. That's right, I, Bryan Goggins was finally going to get myself a girlfriend. She walked over to the pricier DVD rack, where movies cost $13.78. I slowly made my way towards her. I put a stick of Spearmint gum in my mouth, combed back my hair, and went in for the kill. She was holding a copy of Garfield in her hand.
"Do you like Garfield?" I asked her.

She looked at me, her face was overcomed with shock. She put down the DVD and walked away at a fast pace. "I must have come on too strong, "I thought. So I chased after her. She was now in the music section of the store.
I approached her again, "Do you like Britney Spears?"
Once again, she walked away without answering. Damn it! Why wasn't she responding?
I had to know why. I tapped her on the shoulder, she turned around and sighed.
"Miss, how come you won't answer my questions?"
She replied, "Because you're ugly!" Then she walked away. Hence, I realized that I would never make it with an attractive woman. So, I walked up to the middle aged woman at the register and asked, "Can I treat you to some McDonald's?"
She said, "I'm married, hon. Are you using credit or debit?"
Son of a bitch! I then went to my apartment, drank a beer, and sat on the couch, realizing this was the closest thing to a date I had ever been on. Then my room mate Peter came in and said, "I bought Constantine on DVD! It's dark, just like me!" He then started talking about how he met a bipolar, chicken killing, witch online and was supposed to meet her at the movie theatre. They were going to see Batman Begins. Boy, does my life suck! Or does it?

(Note: The woman I encountered did not look a thing like Elisha Cuthbert. However, the picture should give you an idea just how gorgeous the woman was. Plus, I needed an excuse to post a picture of Elisha Cuthbert on my blog.)

I hate VH1. VH1 is so awful that is almost rivals MTV for being the most asinine television station on the planet. Like MTV, it used to focus on music, now you have such god awful shows like The Surreal Life, The Fabulous Life Of, and other crap in constant rotation. Not to mention all those damn lists they compose every year.
Therefore, I would like to make a prediction as to what new shows we can look forward to in the future:

I Love the '00s (2000-2005).
The 100 Greatest Lists of VH1
Awesomely Bad Shows About Awesomely Bad Songs
Celebrity Sex Change
The Flavor Flav and Vanilla Ice Comedy Hour
Behind The Music: Baha Men
Totally Not Christian Rock
Celebrity Fast Food Celebrity Hair Style
Hip Hop: Where It is Today and Where it is Headed
Top 40 Breasts in Music

Celebrities Are So Much Better Than You!

I hate VH1.

(VH1 has announced that there will be more shows about Britney Spears. )

SUMMERFEST!

Last week I went to Summerfest not once, but twice which is a new record for me. Any ways, I went Last Tuesday with my roommate Peter. Pictured here:

Any ways, Peter and I took a bus from Waukesha down to the Summerfest grounds. The first thing we did when we arrived was buy a nice glass of beer. After all, what is Summerfest without brew? We were drinking our beer, when I received a phone call on my cell phone.

(Note: This is a picture of me on my cell phone at a party two years ago. We did not have the time to take a picture of me on my cellphone at Summerfest. Sorry, for the crappy visual.)

It was my friend Andrea. She had come down from Madison to see the rock group STYX. She called me to say that she had arrived with her friends and that we should meet up with her. Peter and I drank our beers and then hurried off to the Potowatami Classic Rock stage. It took us about ten minutes to weave through the heavy traffic of teenagers, Goths, drunks, Summerfest sluts, and various people in the crowd; we arrived at the Classic Rock stage, but I could not find Andrea. So, I called her on my cellphone. She told me via cellphone that she was near a lemonade stand (no visual). So we met up with her and her Madison friends (no visuals).

Here is a picture of Andrea:

We waited anxiously for STYX to take the stage. After waiting about half an hour, STYX finally arrived. I was excited, I could hardly contain my enthusiasm. I screamed at the top my lungs, hoping, praying they would play the much beloved classic "Mr. Roboto." However, I decided before I could enjoy STYX, I needed another beer, as did Peter and Andrea's boyfriend, Garrett. Therefore, it was decided I would go on a beer run. The beer tent was less than twenty feet away from us. It took me about fifteen minutes to get there. When I finally got through all the mullets, cleavage, cuss words and sweat, I saw that it cost five dollars for a bottle of Miller Lite. I was reluctant to pay at first, but I realized that I was chosen by my peers (Peter and Garrett) to go on a beer run. I could not fail them. I bought three Miller Lites, which costs fifteen dollars. I made my way back, instead of going through the crowd of mullets, cleavage, cuss words, and sweat, I decided I would cut around the back. I did and it took me less than two minutes to return to my spot. With a beer in my hand, I was ready for STYX. They began to play. Silence came over the crowd as they belted the first line from "Lady." Then they sang a song I never heard of, and another, and another. They did a cover of The Beatles song, "I am the Walrus," which may have been the worst Beatles cover I have ever heard. They even did a Crosby, Stills, and Nash song. They were overstaying their welcome; the only two songs I wanted to hear were "Come Sail Away" and "Mr. Roboto." After waiting nearly an hour, they played "Come Sail Away." I sang along like an idiot, much to the embarrassment of Andrea and the rest of the group. With one song out of the way, all I needed was to hear "Mr. Roboto" and I would be one happy camper. It was nearly 9:30; surely they would play "Mr. Roboto" in a few minutes. They didn't! Maybe, they would play it as an encore. They didn't! That's right, STYX did not play "Mr. Roboto." I felt robbed as did every one else. If you are STYX, you sure as hell better play "Mr. Roboto,"as it is one of the only few songs any one knows by you. But instead, they opted to torture the audience with a few new songs. I'm so glad my parents gave me tickets to Summerfest, or I would have broken down in tears over the money I had wasted. Damn you STYX! Next time you play a gig, you best play "Mr. Roboto" or else there will be high hell to play. What's even more upsetting is that they did a teaser for "Mr. Roboto" half way through the show. They sang the opening line to the song, got every one excited, and then broke into a new song. It was horrible, just horrible. Oh well, that is part one of my Summerfest adventure. If I feel the need, I will talk about all the misadventures I got into last Thursday.

I love science fiction films of the 50s. Here are a few of my favorite
titles. If you do not like 50s sci-fi, oh well, it is your loss.

I have come to the realization that there are three people who read my blog. This is a rather amazing turn out, much more than I expected. Therefore, I have decided that I should reward these three loyal readers with a gift. However, I have no idea what to get each of them. I thought about buying them ice cream, but it's not something that will last a life time. Nay, they must be giving something that will show my apprecation until the end of time. If you have any ideas as to what I should give the three of you, please let me know. I will give you anything you wish, except: money, women, fame, power, and anything else that costs more than ten dollars. In fact, how do I know the three of you won't ditch out on me for another blog after I have giving you your gifts. How I do know you're not just waiting for your gift and once you get it, bail on me. Isn't my words enough of a gift? Here I am slaving hours on the blog, hoping to bring a little joy to your lives, and you want more from me? How can you be so selfish? Screw you, I'm going to get drunk.

Oh wait, I am drunk. Damn it!

Future TV shows that will be made into movies:

It seems that it has become the latest trend for Hollywood to make TV Shows into full length, live action movies. This year alone we have seen TV shows like The Honeymooners, Bewitched, and The Dukes of Hazzards being adapted to the big screen. Given this current trend, it's only a matter of time before Hollywood starts adapting more TV shows into full length films. Here are my predictions as to what TV shows will be next in line to be given the big screen treatment:

I Love Lucy
Cast: Antonio Banderas (Ricky), Melanie Griffith(Lucy), Susan Sarandon(Ethel Mertz), Dan Aykroyd(Fred Mertz).
Synopsis: In this hilarious update of the much beloved TV show, Lucy joins a country singing group which sky rockets to the top of the charts, much to Ricky's chagrin. When Lucy goes on a cross country tour with her band, it threatens to destroy her marriage with Ricky. Can true love conquer all? Find out this fall!

The Jetsons
Cast: Jim Carrey (George Jetson), Diane Lane (Jane Jetson), Hilary Duff (Judy Jetson), Cayden Boyd (Elroy), Danny DeVito(Mr. Spacely).
Synopsis: Every one's favorite family from the future is back, and in an all new hilarious adventure for the whole family. In this much anticipated live action adaptation of the Hanna Barbara cartoon, George Jetson is promoted to manager at Spacely's factory. Will his new position put a cog in his family life? Hilary Duff sings the HIT song "Your Love Is Out of this World."

Girls Gone Wild
Cast: Doug Stanhope, Pauly Shore.
Synopsis: Doug Stanhope and Pauly Shore go across America to find sexy college co-eds who are willing to bare all. When they are not coercing girls into taking off their clothes, the wacky duo attempt to surf board off the California coast with hilarious results. Will this trip effect their friendship?
PS: While technically not a TV show, there are countless Girls Gone Wild informercials on TV.

Saved By the Bell
Cast: Jason Biggs (Screech Powers), Freddie Prinze, Jr. (Zack Morris), Zoe Saldana (Lisa Turtle), Mila Kunis (Kelly Kapowski), Breckin Myer (A.C. Slater), Jennifer Love Hewitt (Jessie Spangler), Chevy Chase (Mr. Belding).
Synopsis: Your favorite high school friend are back in this fun filled adventure every one will love. Zack is discovered by a talent agent while playing the lead role in the high school play, he now must decide whether or not to leave Bayside to pursue an acting career. Meanwhile, Mr. Belding needs to raise money to prevent Bayside from being torn down by evil contractors. Will Zack leave? Is this the end of Bayside? Can the Zack Attack survive with out its lead singer? Find out next spring.

Saturday Night Live: The Movie
Cast: The current cast of SNL.
Synopsis: The cast of SNL is given two hours to tickle your funny bone with their special brand of humor. Watch for cameos by: Lindsay Lohan, John Travolta, Dan Aykroyd, Britney Spears, Jim Belushi, Will Farrell, Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Leslie Nielsen, Skeet Ulrich, Mike Myers, Tom Hanks, Kevin Spacey, Christopher Walken, and many, many others.

Surreal Life: The Movie
Cast: Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Peter Scolari, Sebastian Bach, Debbie Gibson, Zach Galligan, Roseanne, Lark Voorhies.
Synopsis: Former celebrities are forced to live in the same house together with wild results.

I may be off in my predictions, but we all know eventually that these shows will be made into movies. Beware!

GWF's 10 greatest movie quotes ever.

1. "I can't believe you bought Long Shot!" - Long Shot (a masterpiece of postmodernism cinema that has unjustly been overlooked.)
2. "No, it's because I'm so in love with you." - Star Wars Episode III
3. "You like pain? Try wearing a corset!" Pirates of the Caribbean
4. "WOOOOHHHHH!" - Chilly Dogs
5. "MAHONEY!" - Police Academy 1 - 4
6. "HEY BUDDY!" - Every Pauly Shore film
7. "How wude!" Star Wars Episode I
8. "Hey Scotty, beam me up another beer!" Carnivore (A true masterpiece of horror.)
9. "HOLD THE JELLO!" - Teen Wolf
10. "Weird man, how weird?" The Heavenly Kid (TV version)

Yes, these are without a doubt ten of the greatest quotes EVER! No matter how you look at it, these are examples of screen writing at its absolute best. Thank you.

I hate picture phones! I hate people who constantly have the urge to take out their stupid cell phone and take pictures on them. Not only is it annoying, but the pictures themselves always look like crap. "Look, I took a picture of my girlfriend eating ice cream! Ha Ha! Granted, the lighting is really bad and you can hardly make her out, but that's beside the point. I got a picture phone." It used to be phones existed for the sole purpose of talking to people, now it seems people refuse to own a phone that doesn't let them download songs from the internet!
"You're cellphone can't download music, how pathetic is that!"
"You're cellphone only has enough memory space for twelve pictures, mine can fit 13."
"I can watch MTV on my cellphone."
In less than five years there will be a cellphone that will also act as a vibrator, death ray, tooth brush, toilet paper, and television set all rolled into one. It will cost over $20,000, but people will buy it none the less. I miss the good old days when people just used to talk on phones. To quote Brian Wilson, "I guess I just wasn't made for these days."

It's such a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining, the temperature is just perfect and there are so many outdoor festivities going on. It's so beautiful that I have decided I will see a movie. I could go outside and enjoy the weather, but I really need to see War of the Worlds at this very moment. I know it will be in theatres for at least another month or so, but I can't wait that long to see it. Sure, the rest of the forecast for the week is rain, but I would rather see War of the Worlds on a beautiful day like today. This kind of warm weather gives me a reason to sit in an air conditioned building, thus preventing myself from sweating profusely. Also, when I am at the theatre I can buy soda to quench my thirst and popcorn that can fill my empty stomach. I love movies. I wish my life were a movie. If it were, it would be directed by Steven Spielberg, in a 2.35:1 ratio with color by Technicolor. Well, time for me to go. EWWWWWWWWW, I love popcorn!

Top Ten Overrated Films, Part II (warning: this post contains spoilers for certain films)

6. Bowling For Columbine - What can you say about a film that won the Oscar for Best Documentary yet doesn't have a single word of truth in it? Pretty pathetic. I thoroughly despise Michael Moore, not necessarily because of his belief, but because of he manages to simplify everything in terms of good and bad. If you agree with his position, you are good, if you disagree then you are evil. The film itself never has a clear argument, it's all over the place. Michael Moore makes bold statements, but his argument is nowhere to be seen. At first it seems Michael Moore is taking an anti-gun position by ridiculing gun owners and how easy it is to get guns. Yet his argument falls flat when he shows how Canada is just as gun crazy as America, yet practically has no gun related deaths. His sequence about 9/11 backs up the notion guns are not the villains, but people are. After all, there was not one gun was pulled on 9/11, yet thousands of people died. At one point in the movie, he dismissed the idea that Marilyn Manson music violent video games caused the teenagers to shoot their fellow classmates at Columbine. However, later on in the film, he boldly states that violence in the news is responsible for the rise in homicide. According to Moore, teenagers are impressionable and what they see on the news causes them to turn towards violence. However, if the teenagers are as impressionable as Moore states, then wouldn't video games and Marilyn Manson music have the same effect? How can one form of media be harmless, yet another harmful? The greatest irony in the film is that Michael Moore criticize the news for its negative portrayal of American society, yet Moore does the exact same thing in Bowling For Columbine. There are so many things wrong with this "documentary" but it would take hours to write it all down.

7. Fight Club - Why is it so many movies from 1999 were prematurely labeled as "masterpieces" and "classics." People talk about Fight Club as if it were one of the most amazing achievements ever put on film. Yet, for a film that has been praised by so many people, it's filled with huge plot holes and heavy handed moralizing this side of Cecil B. DeMille. The main problem derives from the "twist" that is revealed at the films conclusion, that Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) and the Ed Norton character are one and the same. Tyler is Norton's alter ego, the man he wishes he could be. The problem with this twist is that it makes one look back at earlier segments in the film, thus revealing how very little sense it makes. If were to accept this twist, then Fight Club was started because two men witnessed Norton's character beating the crap out of himself and were compelled to join. Doesn't that seem a bit problematic that a huge army could have its start from a rather idiotic beginning? I think if any one saw a man beating the crap out of himself in an ally, they would be inclined to run away, not ask him, "Hey can I join?" It's a suspension of disbelief I can't buy into, no matter how hard I try. The other problem I have with the film is that it's first hour and forty minutes are devoted to showing just how awful mankind truly is, then in the last forty, Norton comes to the realization that humanity isn't so bad after all. We get a sequence where he mourns over Meat Loaf, trying to explain to every one that Meat Loaf was a true person, not just another faceless soldier in an army. Fight Club has a lot to recommend, the two leads are compelling and there good moments scattered through out, but its about time people stop raving about how wonderful it is.

8. Forrest Gump - How can one hate possibly hate a touching film like Forrest Gump, you might ask? The answer because there's no one character that I can relate to. Forrest is almost too angelic, his mental handicap makes him an innocent in a world that has lost it's innocence. Forrest Gump manages to maintain his goodness, despite all the death, decadence, and other evils that surround him. I'm sorry, but any one could have played Forrest Gump. Tom Hanks some how won an Oscar for talking reeaaaaallly slloooooowwwww, while the other candidates that year were over looked because they played characters that actually had depth to them. He's seen doing remarkable things through out the course of the film, yet no one recognizes him on the park bench. Jenny is supposed to be a sympathetic character, yet she comes off as being a complete whore. It remains to be seen whether she genuinely loves Forrest, or just uses him because she knows he will take her back. Then again, this is a Robert Zemeckis film, therefore she must genuinely love him. If her love was questionable, we might actually have a complicated film on our hands. Instead, we get a life affirming film that makes sure to wring as many tears from us as possible without ever earning them.

9. Dracula (1931) -I'm a huge fan of the Universal monster collection and it is with great reluctance that I include this film on my list, but after seeing Tod Browning's Dracula again, I have come to the conclusion that it is grossly over -rated. This first twenty minutes set in Transylvania are great. The sets are very atmospheric, Bela Lugosi is suitably creep as the count and Dwight Frye is a perfect Renfield, however after this sequence ends, it's all down hill from here. My main problem with Dracula is that it is way too stagy; it often feels like you are watching a photographed stage play. The film plays out in extremely long takes, actors recite their lines, facing the camera like they were performing in front of a live audience. It's an extremely slow moving film, granted most films of that period are slow compared to today's films, but this one really creaks. It's only 75 minutes long, yet it seems like it will never end. It doesn't help that the audience never sees any of Dracula's deeds, only hears about them. It's not a bad film, but it's not the classic many film historians would have you believe it is.

10. The Last Samurai - What could have possibly been an intriguing story about the Japanese feudal culture, and the life of a samurai warrior (Ken Watanabe) gets lost in yet another Tom Cruise star vehicle. Seriously, Tom Cruise undermines any validity this film might have. He's not bad, but his star power undermines everything in the film. In every scene there must be a close up of Tom Cruise. He's not even allowed to die at the films' climactic battle, because that would go against audience expectations. It's hard to get into a story when the filmmaker keeps reminding you that he has a huge star in his film. Look, it's Tom Cruise fighting in a samurai battle, look how great he is? What a performance, he should win an Oscar! Poor Ken Watanabe, he's about the only thing that kept this film from sucking.

Thus ends my top 10 overrated films list. There are plenty of more where those came from, but I would rather focus my time and energy on discussing something else. Thank you!