Don't worry, I'll fix it in post!

Dude, stop bombarding me with your negativity, this film is going to be alright. Have you not heard of post-production? You can fix anything in post, dude! Look at this action sequence, sure it looks kind of amateurish, but thanks to today's technology I can remove a few frames, speed up the frame and walla, we have a bad ass fight scene. Isn't it awesome!
Bad dialogue? Don't worry, I'll fix it in post.
Flubbed lines? Don't worry, I'll fix it in post.
Overexposed film? Don't worry, I'll fix it in post.
Continuity errors? You know the drill.
You are so negative, you need to have a more positive outlook on life. Oh sweet, look at how cool this shot is. This really going to blow the audience away. Yes, I know the boom mike is in frame, but what have I been telling you for the last ten minutes......we can fix it in post. GEES! Must I be the only voice of reason here? I am an artist after all, therefore I know what is right and what is wrong. And some times wrong can be right and right can be wrong. Do you understand? I thought not. That's why you got an B in Film 101, where as I got an A.
I remember I once made this brilliant movie about a priest masturbating to a picture of the Virgin Mary juxtaposed with a guy drinking a can of Pepsi and the only comment I got was from a Spielberg loving hack who had the nerve to ask, "What is the point?" I told him that art need not have a point and that is all about emotion. Did the film stir you emotionally? He said it put him to sleep. I was offended and walked out of the classroom. But the joke was on him, because in my next film I filmed scene in which a Jurassic Park poster gets bombarded by human feces, while a guy dressed like a nun looks on in disgust.
What does all this have to do with post-production? Well, all my brilliant college films were made in the editing. You see, my rambling has everything to with post-production. Now, c'mon this chicken sex scene won't fix itself! Let's get a move on.

Hey......would you like to.....how you say.......spend the night at my place? I have can of beer we could share and we could ......uhhhhhhhh....watch.....movie on my ten inch, black and white TV.
It will be good time. After movie, we could.......how you say....fuck. You are beauty. You sure you don't want....how you say....spend night at my place. It's BIG!

My vampire movie is going to kick ass!

Hey dude, I'm currently working on this bad ass vampire movie called The Eternalz. I'm not exaggerating in the least when I say it's going to kick ass. In it The Eternalz (due out this Fall) I play a half man-half vampire named Pup, who along with his sexy blonde sidekick Kit, must save the world from a group of fascist vampires. It's pretty fucking awesome. There's this one scene in which Pup (me) takes on four vampires at the same time. I'm not kidding when I say these fight scenes are incredible, they almost rival the fight scenes in my previous film Knife: The Werewolf Slayer (available on DVD August 5). I'll be uploading a teaser trailer for The Eternalz on my website later on this month. I highly recommend you check it out, it will be tight...I mean cool. Who knows maybe a Hollwood exec will see my bad ass movie and sign me to five picture deal. That would rock! I'm an artist, therefore I should be taken seriously. Oh, before I forget the comic book of The Eternalz will be out in mid-September, if you are interested send me a check in the mail and I'll be sure to give you a copy. FAR OUT!

OH NO! The love of my life is leaving me. I better get in my car and chase after her. What will I ever do with out her? I got to get to the airport before her plane takes off. Man, I'm hungry. Hey, there's a McDonald's right off this exit. I have more than enough time to go through drive thru and get myself a delicious Big Mac. I'm quite certain of it. It's settled then, I will quickly get myself a Big Mac and then head down to the airport. My girlfriend will understand.
Wow, there's a long wait at the drive thru. Oh well, it's 2:3o now and her plane doesn't take off until 3:30, I should have plenty of time to get there. I know it. Besides, flights usually run late any ways. Oh boy, I can just taste that delicious Big Mac.
Alright, I am next in line. FINALLY!
Hello.....I would like a Big Mac. Wait, make that a Big Mac extra value meal with a large Coke.
ALL RIGHT!
Here's five dollars, keep the change I'm in a hurry.
SLUUURPPPPPPP! CHOMP! GULP! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM sooooo tasty! I love McDonald's. OH SHIT.........a traffic jam. No big deal, it shouldn't take too long to clear up. I have plenty of time to make it to the airport.
Wow, this is taking forever! When will this fucking traffic jam clear up. What is the fucking hold up? C'mon....my happiness is a stake here. Oh look, there's a Dairy Queen off this exit. Well, since traffic is at a stand still, I think I will go there and get myself a M&M Blizzard. ALL RIGHT!

Will our hero make in time to catch his girlfriend? Will he have enough money for an M&M Blizzard? The answer to these questions is a resounding NO! The End.

This movie is not supposed to be good. IT'S FUN!

Seriously, you need to lighten up. This film isn't trying to be good, it's mindless entertainment that every one can enjoy. Yeah, I know the storyline is kind of stupid...but that's THE POINT! I mean, c'mon it's not like this film is going to win any Oscars or anything, it's just a fun romp for the whole family. OK, maybe not the whole family, but I think you are taking it way too seriously. I mean...IT'S FUN!
Sure, the characters are undeveloped and the effects sequences are over the top, but again this is not supposed to be a serious movie. If you want to watch a serious movie, then rent some crappy independent film and let us fans have our fun. I'm totally looking forward to the sequel, I hope it's darker than the first. This movie is like Matt Hasselbeck in Super XL.....BAD ASS! What you mean the Seahawks lost Super Bowl XL? Don't give me that crap.

I hate fanboys, who make excuses when the big screen adaptation of their favorite book/cartoon/TV show sucks balls. They will make statements like, "It's not supposed to be good." I particularly hate it when they say, "It's not going to win any Oscars or anything, but....." SHUT UP! These morons have such a blind loyalty to the original series a film is based on that they like any crap Hollywood slaps together and throws in theaters.
"OH MY GOD, MY CHILDHOOD IS FINALLY BEING SHOWN ON THE BIG SCREEN. How can I not like a Transformers movie? I mean, it was my favorite cartoon growing up, therefore the movie has GAWT to be good." Then they see the movie and live in state of denial for the next ten years. Rather than admit the movie sucks, they convince themselves that, "it was.........good. I mean it was good for what it was." Then they see their shitty film two more times, just to show the world that they are loyal fans.
I wonder how many jack asses cheered in Transformers when Megatron said, "You have failed me again Starscream." I can just picture all the baseball cap wearing, nacho eating douchebags high fiving each other after hearing that line.
"ALRIGHT BRO! They remained faithful to the cartoon by having Megatron despise Starscream. BAD ASS! Where's my Mountain Dew? I got a Milk Dud in my flip flops."
Meanwhile, a bro's girlfriend who he forced into seeing this pile of dreck is thinking to herself, "Why am I here?" Then when she reaches over to grab a handful of popcorn, the Hasselbeck loving bro says, "Babe, you're blocking the screen. I can't see Optimus Prime in his full glory."
The girlfriend sits back in her seat, fights back her tears, contemplating suicide because death would be far more preferable to watching Transformers for another ten minutes.
OK, maybe I am exaggerating a tad bit. But that's just in my nature.
Meanwhile in the next auditorium a group of Pirates of the Caribbean fans are watching At World's End for the fifth time, still fooling themselves that it gets better with every viewing.
"Jack Sparrow is the Matt Hasselbeck of pirates."
Why this obsession with Matt Hasselbeck you ask? Because he was a complete nothing of a quarterback for like five years and then when the Seahawks finally made it to the Super Bowl
he became, "one of the elite." During the Seahawks Super Bowl run, a whole shitload of Starbucks drinking socialists jumped on the Matt Hasselbeck bandwagon spouting premature dribble like, "He's the best quarterback EVER!" Then the Seahawks lost the Super Bowl and like all Pirates and Transformer fans, the Hasselbeck crowd lived in denial. They couldn't comprehend how their bad ass quarterback lost Super Bowl XL, so they starting making excuses like, "It was the referee's fault." All I know is that the Seahawks lost and Hasselbeck ended their hopes of coming back by throwing a costly interception. BAD ASS!

I remember I was in this same state of denial after seeing Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. After first, I thought to myself, "It wasn't......BAD." Then I said, "Well, it's the first chapter in a saga, therefore it's going to have a lot of shortcomings. I really can't judge it until I've seen all three." Finally, after living in denial for a year I finally came out and admitted that The Phantom Menace sucked. I liked because it had Star Wars in the title, therefore it couldn't possibly be bad. Well, we all know differently know.

Wow, this was quite a rant. Did you get that? I hope you were able to follow it.

OH NO! I'm being consumed by sarcasm. HELP! I can no longer say anything with out being ironic. SHIT! I used to genuinely enjoy life, now I constantly find myself rolling my eyes while making comments like, "That was COOL!" For instance, yesterday my friend told me she went to a Bon Jovi concert and a replied in a typical snooty matter, "That is so awesome. I love Bon Jovi." She of course didn't get the sarcasm and was like, "I know, Bon Jovi kicks ass!" I live with this curse every day of my life. I once woke up from a dream I had and said, "OH! That was realllllly scary. I'm trembling with fear," then I realized I was talking to myself. I went to refrigerator, poured myself a glass of milk and said, "Oh, I LOVE 2% fat milk." Once again, no one was around and yet here I was being snarky. What the hell? That odd thing is that I do like 2% milk, so why did I say it in a sarcastic manner? I think I will watch TV, I LOVE VH1.......DAMN IT!

You know what is sidesplittingly hilarious? When women break into a drunken rendition of "Baby Got Back." It just never gets old, no matter how many times you hear it. It's something I look forward to every time I go out drinking. I'll be sitting at a bar, thinking to myself, "I sure hope a drunken female sings the Sir Mix-A-Lot classic. My life will not be complete with out it." Their sense of irony is hilarious. Get it? Cause "Baby Got Back" is sexist song that treats women as sex objects, hence it is hilarious when a woman sings it, because she's making a statement. It's brilliant social commentary disguised as mindless entertainment. It's like Transformers, only nine and a half times better. It's like Shrek 3, only with out the ulgy ogre. It's like Peyton Manning, utterly infallible. I could make more analogies, but that would take forever.

You know what makes their rendition of "Baby Got Back" even better? When the drunken women start shaking their asses, while singing the song. They are being doubly ironic. Yes, they are mockingly putting their bodies up for display. They are challenging the status quo. They are saying, "Yeah, here's my body. Enjoy it if you will, but there's more to me than just a nice ass." GENIUS! I can't tell you how many men have changed their perspectives on women after seeing a drunken, hot chick er I mean an intelligent, young lady singing "Baby Got Back" at a bar. At first they see the lovely lass as an object, but then as the song progresses they start thinking, "HMMMMMM! Maybe there's more to this babe than just a nice face!" By the end of the song, they have converted to being full fledged feminists.

That's not nice, you're so mean.

I can't believe you did that. How could you treat a fellow human being so horribly? That wasn't nice at all, you're such a mean person. I never thought a person could stoop so low, but you have jut proven me wrong. That's not nice, you're so mean. Have you told Taylor yet? You at least owe him an explanation. Man, you truly are a mean person. What happened to you? You used to be such a sweet, loving person, now you seem to take delight in other people's suffering. That's not nice, you're so mean.

This is post is my lame attempt at writing soap opera dialogue. I hope you have enjoyed it!

The Dumbest Quote I Have Ever Read!

A few months ago I did on a post on the 10 Dumbest Quotes I have ever read/heard, well I recently came across a quote on IMDB that is without a doubt the stupidest thing I have ever read.
This quote comes off the Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End message board, a Pirates hater started a thread entitled "Not breaking $300 Million." In response a Pirates fan wrote:

Besides, all this talk about AWE not making it to $300 Million domestically & being such a huge disappointment will only drive all of us who loved this movie to see it a few more times through out the summer just to help it gross over $300 + Million easily! Savvy!

What makes this quote so idiotic is how the poster makes it seem like At World's End is a lost cause worth fighting for. He/she makes it sound like this huge budgeted, over blown piece of crap is some how an under dog in need of our help. Forget all the charities that help the sick, the poor, and victims of natural disasters, it is far more important that At World's End breaks $300 Million domestically or else everything as we know it will come to a cataclysmic end. Johnny Depp must get paid!!!! And Orlando Bloom! What's to become of him if At World's End doesn't break the $300 Million mark? The horror of it all!
Well fanboys need not worry, At World's End has undeservedly passed the $300 Million mark. The world is a safe place to live in again.

How to write a shitty horror film:

1. Cast an incredibly hot actress in the lead role. She doesn't have to be a good actress, just hot.
2. Cast incredibly hot actresses in supporting roles. They don't have to be great actresses, just hot.
3. Make sure there is lots of pointless nudity.
4. Torture the hot actresses. Make the film as gory as possible. It may not be scary, but it should induce vomiting. After all, horror films are no longer about being scary, just being disgusting.
5. The killer must be faceless. It is important that he remain faceless the entire film, just so when his identity is revealed at the film's end, audiences will be shocked.
6. Finally, slap on a nonsensical twist ending, just so you can fool audiences into thinking they were watching a complex, intelligent thriller.
7. If possible, try to leave it open for a sequel. Americans love sequels!

Transformers has an 8.2 rating on IMDB.

What further proof to you need that people have lowered their standards so much that when a film simply doesn't suck, it's prematurely labeled a classic? It was bad enough when every one thought the Pirates films were the second coming of cinema, but now we have people who think Transformers is a great film, simply because it's not as bad as they expected it to be.
I can just imagine the conversation people have while exiting the movie theatre:

Dude: Wow, that movie was pretty good.
Bro: Yeah, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be.
Dude: I know, the special effects were pretty bad ass.
Bro: Dude, I'm totally going to buy it when it comes out DVD.
Dude: Me too! I bet it will have kick ass special features, bro!

Then when Transformers does come out on DVD, Dude and Bro will go to Best Buy on Tuesday, buy the damn DVD, and put it on their shelves where it will collect dust for the next five years.
The fact is Transformers is your typical, forgetable summer blockbuster that every one sees opening weekend and then forgets about on Monday. That's why it annoys me to see all these damn fanboys saying things like, "BEST MOVIE OF THE SUMMER!" and, "BEST MOVIE EVER!" I have no qualms it you actually enjoyed this atrocity, just stop pretending its a classic.
I'm sure its rating on IMDB will plummet big time, but it just sad that it's gotten such undeserving praise by so many people. Then again, the IMDB community only represents about 10% of actual movie goers, so their opinion is not necessarily that of the people, at least I hope not.

Why can't people ever shut up?

Last night, my friend Peter and I took a bus down to Summerfest, and for some reason every one on the bus decided that they had to be as loud as humanly possible. The whole back section was clapping their hands and singing songs like "Tubthumper," while a couple of annoying teenaged girls kept screaming everytime the bus came to a sudden stop or made a sudden turn. I was convinced that I had died and gone to hell. After last night, my hatred for humanity has shot up another 350%.

Another damn AFI top 100 list!

The AFI did yet another 100 film list, rather than type out their selections, I have decided to provide a link instead.
2007 AFI list of top 100 movies - USATODAY.com
I have mixed feelings about this list; I was over joyed to see that the Buster Keaton film The General was number 18 on the list, considering that it was overlooked on the 1998 list. Plus, I was ultra-happy to see that the grossly over-rated film The Graduate was no longer in the top 10 (thought it still remains in the top 20, which is way too high).
On the other hand, a lot of the films on the original list got dropped in favor of such fare like The Sixth Sense, The Shawshank Redemption, Titanic, Saving Private Ryan, etc. I can't believe classics like Patton, Stagecoach, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, The Third Man, From Here to Eternity, and The Manchurian Candidate were taken off the list in favor of these films. I was happy to see: A Place in the Sun, The Jazz Singer, Dances With Wolves, Guess Who's Coming To Dinner, An American in Paris, and Rebel Without a Cause taken off the list, because frankly none of them have aged very well.
Hopefully if the AFI does another list in ten years they will have the decency to vote off Forrest Gump, Rocky, Sound of Music, Sophie's Choice, West Side Story, Saving Private Ryan, The Sixth Sense, The Graduate, and other undeserving fare.
And finally, why is Citizen Kane always number one? I like Citizen Kane, it's a great movie and definitely deserves to be ranked high on a top 100 list, but can't the members of the AFI just for once give the number one slot to a different film. Why not Encino Man? Or Teen Wolf? Anything other than Citizen Kane.

What the next Indiana Jones film should be about!

Now that Indiana Jones 4 has officially gone into production, I have decided to waste my time by presenting to you my treatment of the story. Yeah, I know it will never get made, but I really have nothing better to do, so with out further ado, here is my idea for the next Indiana Jones film:

An elderly Indiana Jones sits down at the kitchen table and is about to pour himself a delicious bowl of Wheaties. He grabs the box of Wheaties and is stunned to find that it is empty. NO WHEATIES! What ever shall he do? Without haste he grabs his car keys, jumps in the car, and heads to the local Grocery Store.
He parks in his car in the parking lot, gets out and slowly but surely walks towards the grocery store. He grabs a cart, just in case he needs more food items, and makes his way to the cereal aisle. He reaches finally reaches the aisle, when to his utter shock and amazement he sees an elderly Nazi grabbing the last box of Wheaties.
"STOP!" shouts Indy.
"Vhat?" says the Nazi.
"That's my box of Wheaties."
"No, it's mine!"
"Not any more."
Indy take out his whip, swings it over his head, and lassos it around the box of Wheaties. With all his might he pulls the box of Wheaties out of the evil Nazi's hand and takes off running.
"Come back here!" shouts the Nazi.
"No, you come back here!" says Indy, laughing at his nonsensical comment.
"You vill pay!" shouts the Nazi.
The Nazi spots a shopping cart and pushes it in Indy's direction. Indy turns around, sees the cart coming and increases his speed. It looks like he's home free, when he slips on the wet floor and falls on his back. The force of the impact causes the box of Wheaties to fly out his hand and into the arms of the Nazi. The shopping cart is about to run over Indy, he quickly rolls out of it's path.
"The VHEATIES ARE MINE DR. JONES!" says the Nazi in a triumphant voice. He's about to walk to the check out lane, when he spots free samples of cheese. He takes a sample from the tray, puts it in his mouth and is pleased. Just then he feels a tap on his shoulder, it is an extremely pissed off Indiana Jones. He punches the Nazi in the face, which sends the Nazi flying into a cart filled with tomatoes. Indiana takes the box of Wheaties from the comatose Nazi and heads to the check out lane. He has triumphed. So ends this installment of Indiana Jones.

Let's see Knocked Up

C'mon we got to see Knocked Up, it has been getting good word of mouth, therefore we MUST see it. It's got an 8.3 on IMDB. I don't want to be the odd man out. I just got to know what every one is laughing about. It can't possibly be bad; I mean it's from the guy who made The 40 Year-Old Virgin and that movie was pretty......good...it wasn't hysterically funny but it was........amusing. My friend Todd saw it and he said he loved it and you know how Todd is never wrong about anything. Can we please see it? If we go, I'll buy you a tray of pretzel bites. You know you love pretzel bites! It will be bad ass, even more bad ass than Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. What do you say? I'll even sit through Shrek 3 again if you promise to see Knocked Up with me. C'mon, I don't want to see it alone, I'll look like a freak.

I recently wasted a few minutes reading over the Paris Hilton message boards on IMDB and have come to two different conclusions:

1. Paris Hilton is a saint, who doesn't deserve the treatment she is getting.
2. Paris Hilton is a no talent whore, who didn't get nearly what she deserved.

Here is question: Why do people like Paris Hilton? I usually try to see the good in every thing; lord knows I tried to see the good in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, but that proved to be impossible, but Paris Hilton, there is absolutely nothing there. Her Pirates loving, MTV watching fans make it seem like Paris got a raw deal, when in actuality she is SOLELY responsible for all the misfortunes that has befallen her. She has no one to blame but herself, but her fans would rather believe that there is a conspiracy to bring down Paris Hilton, rather than accept the obvious.
Just think in a couple of years...hell maybe even months...there is going to be a crappy made for TV Paris Hilton movie about her irresponsible way of living, her downfall, her time in prison, and her redemption. The final scene would see a teary eyed Paris vowing to do good in the world, followed by a freeze frame of her high fiving Zack Morris after having saved the animals from the evil oil corporation. Mark my word this will happen.
In fact, why am I writing about this, when I could be selling this idea to a studio. GENIUS!

This theatre doesn't have THX?

Dude, what's up with that? How could this theatre not have THX sound? I only see movies that have THX, because the sound quality is so much better. What do you mean THX is not a sound system? What do you mean its a certification? That's bullshit! You guys are trying to steal my hard earned money by feeding me false information. You guys are worse than the Gestapo. I remember when I saw Austin Powers: Goldmember in theatre and when the THX logo came up, my friends and I applauded, because we KNEW the sound was going to be top notch. I'm never coming to this theatre again, not until you guys straighten up your act and get THX sound.

You're not going to the midnight showing of Pirates!


I can't believe you are not going to the midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean : At World's End, it's totally the in thing to do. I bought my tickets when they first went on sale; I dare not miss this event. Granted I didn't really like Dead Man's Chest all that much, but that isn't going to prevent me from going to the midnight showing of At World's End....I mean....every one's going to be there, except you. I can't believe you have no interest in going. What's wrong with you? While I'm going to be having a delightful time with my friends and co-workers, you'll be tossing and turning in your bed, tormented over the fact that you didn't go to the midnight showing. I thought you were cool, but I'm beginning to have my doubts. You honestly don't want to see Johnny Depp spout out random one liners, while doing battle with Captain Barbossa? Sure, it was done to death in the first Pirates, but this is the third installment, which means it will be bigger and far more bad ass. I'm just dying to know who Elizabeth is going to choose in the end: Jack Sparrow or Will Turner. Doesn't that make you curious in the least bit? It doesn't! You suck! You're just cynical, I don't know if I want to be your friend any more. Goodbye!

Why Batman Forever is the best Batman movie EVER!


When people talk about the Batman movies, they usually make the absurd claim that Tim Burton's travesty is the best of all the Batman adaptations. This is blasphemy, for any true fan of Batman will tell you that Joel Schumachers 1995 masterpiece Batman Forever is far and away the best Batman movie EVER!
Do any of the dreadful Tim Burton films feature a scene with a whiny security guard and boiling acid? I think not!
Did the Christopher Nolan debacle have a scene in which Batman fights a street gang who cover their faces in neon paint? NOPE!
Where were the bat nipples in the Burton and Nolan films? Schumacher's contribution to the series will be praised for years to come, where as the Burton and Nolan films will be completely forgotten.
Where were the funny one liners in Batman, Batman Returns, and Batman Begins? The opening of Batman Forever has one of the funniest exchanges in movie history:

Alfred: Might I persuade you to take a sandwich?
Batman: I'll get drive thru!

That is soooo funny! I remember I wet myself in the theatre after hearing this exchange. It's very Jack Sparrowesque in it's delivery and I love Jack Sparrow. Haw Haw! Other great lines include:

Prostitute: That's not Batman, that's more like Batboy.
Robin: I forgot my suit.

Batman: The circus must be halfway to Metropolis by now. (Get it, because Metropolis is the home of Superman.)

Riddler: Surf's up Big Kahuna! (Jim Carrey is a true delight in this movie.)

Then there's the brilliant commentary about how television is dumbing down America. In the film the Riddler invents a device that steals peoples thoughts while they are watching television. It's amazing how much depth Batman Forever truly has as opposed to the other films in the franchise. Therefore, I urge you all to throw away your copies of Batman, Batman Returns, and Batman Begins, blow the dust off your copy of Batman Forever and pop in your DVD player, you will not be sorry!

PASSES!

ALLRIGHT! My movie is out of focus, that means my bros and I will get passes! I love when things go wrong at the movie theatre, cause then I can complain and get movie passes from the management. Some times if I'm lucky I will get two passes, like the time my bros and I went to see The Mummy Returns. I remember the light bulb on the projector burned out and some dorky usher came in and told us we were going to be given passes; my bros and I started to chant "TWO! TWO! TWO!" The rest of the audience took our lead and we were given two passes! It was killer!
HEY, WHERE'S OUR PASSES? I want PASSES! What do you mean we're not getting any passes? The movie was out of focus for like FIFTEEN MINUTES! I mean c'mon, we deserved to be compensated for having to sit through this travesty. What lousy customer service! You just lost yourself a customer. C'mon bros, lets go to a bar and pick up some babes.

(Editors Note: The dude and his bros were unsuccessful in their attempt to pick up babes. They went back to theatre the following day to see Spider-Man 3. They complained that the sound system was all wrong and demanded passes for the inconvenience; they were not successful.)

This Cousin's Sub is delicious!
Yes, how I love my Cousin's Sub, if I could I would marry it. What's the sound? Who's there? Is that you Bartolemay? Bartolemy? Where are you hiding? If that you's Bartolemay, come on out and show yourself. No...you can't have my Cousin's sub. It's mine! Leave me alone! Where are you? Come on out and face me like a man or at least face me like a woman! Huh! Where's my Cousin's sub! CURSE YOU BARTOLEMAY! AHHHHHHH...there you are Bartolemay!

I just bought Eragon on DVD!

Does that make me cool or what? Eragon is such an original idea for a movie. I never read the books, but from what I heard they totally kick ass. I bought the special edition of Eragon, which means that not only do I get a director's commentary, but a couple of "Making Of" featurettes as well. I really need to know how the made Sapphira the dragon look so realistic. Special Edition DVDs kick ass! I still have to watch all the special features on my Extended edition of Lord of the Rings, but I'm sure they are awesome. How can they not be? I can't own a DVD that doesn't have special features. Where's the fun in that? I really wish the would release a two disc Special Edition of Encino Man, that would rock. I could feature commentary by Les Mayfield, Pauly Shore, Sean Astin, and Brendan Fraser. Hopefully, Criterion will read my blog and release it soon. Did I mention I bought Eragon on DVD! Did you know that Stan Lee created Spider-Man?

The 10 Dumbest quotes I have ever read/heard.

1. "I give Van Helsing three Fs for fun fuckin' film." - JoBlo.com in his review for the dreadful pile of shit Van Helsing.

2. "And kudos to Stephen Sommers for those creepy credits at the end." - Once again from the JoBlo review of Van Helsing.

3. "I told you I was a Jinx." - Halle Berry from the awful James Bond film Die Another Day.

4. "You can really feel the tension when the shoulder shifts halfway through the film." - A liberal minded college TA talking about an experimental film that is a five minute shot of a shoulder. The film is conveniently called Shoulder.

5. "I shouldn't have to write papers, I'm an artist." - A UWM film student bitching about how unfair it is that a genius like him should have to waste his time and energy on writing term papers.

6. "I like Star Wars because it is independent." - A UWM student writing about why he likes Star Wars, because as well all know if a film is independent it is automatically good.

7. "Homer's a good captain." - A nameless dumbass, talking about how he feels Homer Simpson would have been a good sea captain.

8. "I'm a liberal and an atheist!" - A smug college student, who some how feels she is so unique for being a liberal and an atheist. If I ever meet a liberal that isn't an atheist I would be impressed.

9. "I think we're seeing a movie." - a nameless blonde who made this comment while entering a movie theatre. Do you think?

10. "With out her braces, her boobs look a lot bigger." - Nameless manager at ol' North Shore cinema before it went to hell.

I'm sooooo psyched for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End.

OH MY GOD, only three and a half weeks until Pirates of the Caribben: At World's End comes out, I am so excited. I just can't wait to see what wacky adventures Jack Sparrow gets himself into this time. Johnny Depp is soooo HAWT! I sure hope him and Keira Knightley hook up in this movie, I mean as hot as Orlando Bloom may be, he is not Johnny Depp....er... I mean Jack Sparrow. I can't wait to see what role Captain Barbossa will play in this movie. I was shocked...shocked I say, when he appeared at the very end of Dead Men's Chest with that hilarious monkey on his shoulder and that apple in his hand. I was sooo delighted to see him that I applauded. I wonder if he's going to be a good guy in At World's End or return to his villainous ways? Delightful! Not since the Lord of the Rings trilogy has a film franchise made me so horny. I remember I had to control my masturbatory urges when Jack Sparrow made his entrance in Dead Man's Chest. It reminded me of the time in The Two Towers when Legolas surfed down the steps at Helm' s Deep on a shield, while firing arrows at the enemy. That moment kicked ass! Damn, I now have a stronge urge for some Burger King. I think I hear my glow in the dark Lord of the Rings glass goblet calling out to me. It's saying, "Fill me with Dr. Pepper!" Don't worry my faithful goblet you are not to behold, you are to be held. Haw Haw! That commercial was delightful. Where was I again?
As for Spider-Man 3, that movie looks gay. Tobey Maguire is simply not hot. The Spider-Man trilogy would have been so much better had Johnny Depp played the title role. Just imagine all the delightful antics and adlibs Johnny Depp would have come up with had he played Peter Parker. They also should have cast Orlando Bloom as Harry Osborne and Keira Knightley as Mary Jane Watson. That would be bad ass, just like Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. All I know is that come May 25th, I will be the first in line to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

OH MY GOD......Shrek 3 is coming out May 18. Oh this going to be a great May. The Shrek films are so delightful, especially when they throw in random pop-culture references, top 10 hit songs, and fart jokes. I totally loved how in the first Shrek they used the much loved Smash Mouth song "All Star" on the soundtrack when Shrek is getting ready for the day. I laughed so hard. OMG! However, I must confess that as good as the Shrek films are, they would have been so much better had Johnny Depp done the voice for the lead role. I love Johnny Depp. I wish he would dump that bitch of a wife and marry me. Johnny, if you're out there, I'm waiting for you. LOL! LMAO! ROFL! WTF! JEOMK!

I miss you, man.

Seriously, work is not the same with out you. I mean.......it was sooo much fun when you worked here and now it's just boring. I tell you man, I've missed you and so has every one else. I know it's sounds superficial, but I sincerely mean it..I miss you. I know I have your number and I could call you any time I want, but man.....my life is kinda busy. Don't think for a second that just because I don't call you, or for that matter e-mail you, that I don't miss you! I do. One of these days we need to get together and see a movie or something. Maybe, we can go out to a bar and reminisce about the old days. I remember that one time in which we went out drinking and went streaking....oh wait...you weren't there. I know, how about that one time in which we...ohhhh..wait you weren't there either. Now that I think about it, did we ever hang out? Well, regardless it's nice to see you man. We should definitely do something one of these days. I'll be sure to give you a call.

I resent this film not being in color.

This movie isn't in color, I resent that. I can not stand black and white, it's not as pleasing to look at as color. Yesterday, I rented Psycho (not the awesome remake with my favorite badass Vince Vaughn), but the Alfred Hitchcock version, after having heard how good is was from my friend Ted. I popped in the DVD and was horrified to see that was in black and white. I immediately popped out the DVD and put in a copy of the Vince Vaughn version. I then called up Ted and screamed him out for half hour. How dare he recommend a black and white movie to me? I told him I never want to hear from him again and hung up the phone. It was pretty bad ass, just like Vince Vaughn. I sure hope they make a sequel to Dodgeball, that movie was HI-larious. In fact, they should make a sequel to both Dodgeball and Wedding Crashers, it could be called Wedding Ball. What was I talking about again? Oh yes, I hate black and whites movies.

Why are you always making fun of my height?

Stop laughing! I'm not that short. Sure, you maybe a female and a few inches taller than me, but that is no reason for you to be laughing. You always make fun of my height. Look, I can't help it if I'm shorter than you, I was born that way. Either you accept that or find a new boyfriend. I don't appreciate it when you hold your hand to my head to prevent me from kissing you. I can't stand it when you take my shoes and throw them on top of the refrigerator. It's not funny. Sure, maybe it was humorous the first five times you did it, but it gets old after awhile. For crying out loud, I'm not even that short! I'm 5'6". You're only like three inches taller than me. Besides, throwing my shoes on top of the refrigerator is pretty futile, because I'm tall enough to reach them. Why do you persist in tormenting me? This is my final warning, one more comment about my height and I'm gone. I'm serious! STOP LAUGHING! That does it! I'm leaving! Goodbye! You're so immature. I hate you.

The Caveman I found in my backyard is making my life a living hell.

Man, my life sucks! The girl I'm love with doesn't know I'm alive. The school bully stapled me to a wall and worst of all, the caveman I found frozen in my backyard is making my life a living hell.
When I first found him I thought this would make me the most popular guy at school. I thought the girl I loved would finally notice me and beg me to take her to prom. I thought my time had finally come. Then the unthinkable happened, the caveman awoke from his hybernated state and wrecked havoc in my house. My friend Stoney and I tamed him, made him over, passed him off as an exchange student, and named him Link. Things were going smooth at first, I caught my dreamgirl making out with Link. In fact, making out is putting it mildly, he was screwing her brains out. Yet again, I have to take backseat to a brainless, brawny brute. Damn it! Why? Why? This sucks! I can't stand it any more. I think I'll commit suicide. Maybe then the girl I love will finally notice me. She'll be sorry! She'll regret not having watched the Extended edition of Return of the King with me. She will look back on the time I asked her to attend the WWE tournament with me and wished she would have said yes. WWE ROCKS! Oh, it's on right now....I'll put off my suicide until tomorrow. John Cena here I come.
LINK! DAMN IT LINK, YOU BROKE THE TELEVISION. YOU TOTALLY DON'T RULE!
Where's my John Cena action figure? What's with that look? Link? Link? Did you eat my John Cena action figure? Damn it!

TV sucks!

Why does TV suck so much? It used to be there was a few watchable shows on television, now there are none. About the only thing worth watching is Telemundo, because of all the hilarious Spanish soap operas, and that's only entertaining because you have no idea what they are saying (unless you speak Spanish). I'm sure if I did understand what they were saying on all those funny Spanish soap operas I would want to shoot myself. OH SIGH! Oh well, on the bright side at least I own I shit load of videos and DVDs so I don't have to watch television. In fact, who needs TV any ways, it's nothing but mediocre shows constantly being interrupted by annoying commercials. The worst commercial of all time is that one with Jessica Simpson in which she talks about acne. Last thing I need to see is some talentless blonde talking about how horrible her acne used to be and how it got better thanks to some overpriced product that has serious side effects.
"Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, internal bleeding, depression, and premature death. ORDER NOW!"
Of course I'm sure some one will say, "Goggins there are plenty of good shows on television, you just need to lighten up." To this I say, "Shut up!" It is not in my nature to lighten up. What's the point? Why put a smile on your face when you know eventually something is going to kick you in the nuts and wipe it away? Life is pain. I think I will sit in the dark for two hours and write some poetry about how futile life is. Yeah. I'm deep, cause I'm a tormented soul.

I lost my pet cat and now I am alone.

My pet cat Timothy ran away and now I am so alone. Why did Timothy run away? Why? I fed him every day. I changed his litter box when it needed changing. I bought him all sorts of toys and played with him all the time, but alas he is left and I am alone. BOO HOO! Timothy please come back! OH PLEASE! I will give you all the love I can spare and more. I will give you an extra dinner every night, if you come back soon. OH TIMOTHY, you are my one and only friend, don't leave me. Don't leave me! BOO HOO! WHINE! WHINE! WAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

And the killer is..........

I have pieced together every possible clue and have determined that the killer is none other than.............

Find out next year!

Movies that need to be remade.

1. Citizen Kane: It always on every serious film critics top 100 list, but let's be honest Citizen Kane is simply not a good movie. It's in desperate need of a remake. Imagine how cool this movie would be if Hayden Christianson played Charles Foster Kane and if the film was shot entirely in front of a green screen. It would totally kick ass! Natalie Portman could co-star as Kane's neglected wife Susan, who becomes a stripper because he isn't paying enough attention to her. It would totally blow away the outdated original.

2. Casablanca: The original is good, but c'mon Humphrey Bogart is ugly. I mean it is totally improbable that any gorgeous woman would fall for such an unnattractive man. Therefore, I insist that Hayden Christianson should play Rick. Just imagine how cool it would be to see Anna...I mean Hayden Christianson deliver the famous line, "The problems of three people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world." It would definitely improve upon Bogart's rather unemotional line delivery.

3. Dr. Strangelove: This movie isn't funny at all. What it needs is a comic genius like Will Ferrell in the the three roles Peter Sellers played in the original. Ferrell is infinitely funnier than Peter Sellers, who's only slightly good movie was The Fiendish Plot of Fu Manchu. Ferrell could bring much needed humor to a grim story by flailing his arms about and doing all sorts of wacky sight gags like running buck naked through the war room. It would be brilliant, much like Ferrell's beloved comedy A Night at the Roxbury.

4. Duck Soup: This movie is OK for an old comedy, but just think what Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Owen Wilson could do with this kind of material. They would turn a rather non-sensical film into inspired lunacy. Not to mention Will Ferrell and Luke Wilson could turn in hilarious cameos. It would be a must see.

5. Rosemary's Baby: Where's the horror in this movie? I mean, seriously there's no monsters, no effects, it's just two and a half hours of some average looking chick freaking out over the littlest of things. This film would be so much better if it starred Jennifer Love Hewitt in the title role and had a whole gaggle of CGI demons jumping out from every corner imaginable. Not to mention there could be hot shower scene in which Hewitt keeps hearing things, but continues showering nonetheless. It would co-star Paris Hilton as Hewitt's sexy neighbor who mysteriously vanishes one night. GENIUS!

The Five Most Annoying Directors of All Time.

5) M. Night Shyamalan:
M. Night Shyamalan started out as a promising director, but then he started to take himself too seriously as a filmmaker. The success of The Sixth Sense convinced him that he was a genius and from then on his films got progressively worse. The Village was not only a dull piece of filmmaking, it was also a lame attempt at making a parable out of an obvious twist ending. When ever any one criticizes his movies, Shyamalan blasts back that they simply didn't understand his vision. Here's a question for all you M. Night apologists out there: if his name wasn't on the credits would you have genuinely liked his last three films (Signs, The Village, Lady in the Water)? Of course not! You would have seen them for the piece of junk they truly are. If The Village is truly a profound piece of cinema, then the equally asinine The Brain That Wouldn't Die must also be a deep movie experience, for its about the dangers of science.

4) George Lucas:
It's amazing how a man who has revolutionized filmmaking has absolutely no originality left in him. Instead of moving onto his next film project, Lucas constantly has to find new ways to rape and whore out the Star Wars universe. First, he came out with the Special Editions, which had "improved" effects and additional scenes that didn't contribute to the story what so ever. Then he made the prequels, which ruined the character of Darth Vader. The very notion that Darth Vader was Hayden Christianson in his youth makes him seem less like a badass and more like a whiney, little bitch who turned to evil because he wasn't given what he wanted for his birthday.
In the hands of George Lucas a mythological story turns into a standard drama on the WB.

3) Nora Ephron:
Nora Ephron is the writer/director of many unwatchable romantic comedies. Her characters constantly whine about how no one loves them, only to find in love in the end. How original! How delightful! I'm so glad we have filmmakers turning out unused screenplays written in the silent era. Her most unexcusable film was Bewitched, in which Will Ferrell does many Jim Carrey-like antics to win the affections of Nicole Kidman. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that Nicole Kidman talks in a high pitched voice for the entire running length of the film. For some reason unknown to the audience Kidman falls in love with Ferrell's self-centered character and no one is moved by the experience.

2) Ron Howard:
Ron Howard is the least talented director to ever win an Oscar for directing. His only contribution to cinema is that he makes bland movies that do huge at the box office one week, but are forgotten about the next. A Beautiful Mind takes what could have been a compelling biography and turns into crowd pleasing, awe-inspiring fluff. The Missing was a lame re-working of The Searchers, and Apollo 13 was good mainly due to its effects and the fact that it was inspired by a real life story. The only good thing to say about Ron Howard is that he is not Kevin Smith.

1) Kevin Smith:
Here's my impersonation of Kevin Smith directing a movie, "In this scene I want you to stand in front of his brick wall and READ my dialogue. Don't say it, READ IT. Make it as unnatural sounding as humanly possible." That is Kevin Smith in a nutshell. Not only are his films are uninteresting to look at, but his characters are one dimensional and get boring after awhile. Jay saying, "fuck this shit," gets rather old after the 30th time. The most annoying aspect of his films is how he constantly has to reference his own work. I have not seen Clerks II, but I'm willing to bet there are a least a dozen references to his previous films, that no one but his devoted fanbase will find funny.

Who needs critics, when I have my family.

Critics hate my movies, but I didn't make movies for critics, I made them for an audience. Besides, I know I'm a good filmmaker, my mommy said I was. I showed her my last movie and she was like, "That's pretty good dear." She then gave me a plate of cookies and nice glass of milk to wash them down with. Critics are stupid, let's see them make a movie. I remember their reviews for Van Helsing and was baffled at how they could possibly hate such a great movie. I mean...Hugh Jackman is a bad ass and Kate Beckinsale is HAWT, therefore how could it possibly be bad. It just goes to show you what critics know. The only kind of films they like are ones with unattractive people that no one sees like About Schmidt. There were not hotties in that film, nor unnecessary violence and gore. Oh......and kudos to Stephen Sommers for those creepy credits at the end of Van Helsing.

I'm going to challenge the Hollywood system by making non-narrative experimental films. Yes, once Hollywood sees my movies they will tremble in fear and their precious caplitalistic system will collapse thanks to my pure art. Once they see my two hour epic entitled Cell Phone, they will panic and be like, "OH NO! WE CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT!"
Cell Phone is my critique on mankind's obsession with his status symbol; it has no actors, but rather is just one long close up of a cell phone, while heaving breathing is heard on the soundtrack. I screened it at the UW-Milwaukee film festival and it was greeted with heavy applause. I became a minor celebrity on the campus and women were begging to give me a blow job. I was like, "Ladies, I did not make this film for myself, I made it for you." Then they treated me to a blow job. It was pretty awesome.
My next film project is entitled Keyboard, in which a hand types on a keyboard for three hours. It will be my masterpiece.
Look out Hollywood a new kind of film is headed your way and you are helpless to stop it.

Cartwright Jones is the greatest American actor of all time.

If you have not heard of Cartwright Jones then I pity you for he is without a doubt the greatest American actor of all time. He's not known for his stage roles, rather for his real life contribution to the war effort during World War II, in which he impersonated a general to confuse the Nazis. By all accounts he gave the performance of a life time. What's even more inspiring is that he was rescued from the Nazis by Clint Eastwood and Richard Burton. They made quite a team.

He's drinking from a blue bottle!

OH MY GOD! That guy is drinking from a blue bottle. If you recall the man who raped my friend Tami was drinking from a blue bottle of beer the night it happened and here is standing in front of me. And who should this mystery man turn out to be? My friend Sylvia's boyfriend. I can't believe it. How could he possibly do such a horrendous thing? I was wondering why Tami wouldn't make eye contact with the guy when we stopped by at his apartment to say hi. But when I saw the blue bottle I knew why she was so hesitant to walk in his apartment. Terrible. This broke poor Sylvia's heart to know that her boyfriend was a drunken rapist. Poor Tami, when the jackass approach her, she panicked, ran down the stairs, lost her footing and lost her baby in the process. It would have been such a lovely baby, even if it was unwanted. If one thing positive came from this experience is that it made Tami, Sylvia and I closer. WOW!

Possibly the funniest fake headline I've ever read:





















The Onion kicks ass!

Henry Higgins is the greatest character EVER!!!!

I watched the movie My Fair Lady yesterday and realized that Henry Higgins is the greatest character of all time. Why? Because he's such a mean-spirited prick. He treats every one around him like crap, while they constantly kiss his ass. It's awesome. The only sad thing about Henry Higgins is that he kind of goes soft at the end. Why do self-centered pricks in movies have a change of heart? Seriously, Ebenezer Scrooge was such an awesome character, then those friggin' ghosts had to show him how "wrong" he was and then he became a nice guy. While Henry Higgins doesn't necessarily become a nice guy at the end of My Fair Lady, he does allow himself to become attached to a woman. DAMN HAPPY ENDINGS! Why can't all films end with every one being miserable? Or at least being happy in their self centered world? Let's face it, why open up to people when they are bound to disappoint you one way or another? Henry Higgins had it correct, but then the writers decided he must have a change of heart. OH WELL!

This movie is so bad that it's good. I know because I've seen so many films that I know when a film is bad, and when it is good, and when it is so bad that it is good. This movie is so bad that it is good. Ha! Don't you love my intellect? I know everything about movies, because I've watched so many. I've also seen a few Academy Awards ceremonies, therefore I know what quality filmmaking is. This is definitely not quality filmmaking as the cinematography is not beautiful. The acting is atrocious and the direction is flat. It's not nearly as good as that other movie I saw, in which the cinematography was beautiful, even though it was a war film. If a film has bad cinematography it is automatically bad. I know what good cinematography is as I have watched lots of movies with good cinematography. I know what good acting is, because I have seen many Oscar winning performances in movies. I know everything, because I have seen everything.


I hate wannabe film critics, people who spend to much time watching movies that they automatically think that makes them qualified to criticize films. Granted, every one is a critic in some form or another, but most people don't pretend to know about the technical aspects filmmaking. The reason most filmgoers hate a movie is they didn't connect with the characters or story. Where as the wannabe film critics tries to find fault in the technical aspects of filmmaking, such as the editing, lighting, cinematography, etc. Therefore in their smug minds if a film has a bad lighting, it must be a bad movie. Or if the cinematography isn't breathtaking, they don't feel it is worth watching. Therefore a movie like Carnival of Souls would be an atrocious piece of garbage to the wannabe film critic because the lightning nor the cinematography are particularly "good." They wouldn't look at the factors that went into the making of the film(low budget, limited resources) nor the story being told, but instead hate it on the grounds that it is technically incompetent. In their minds a movie like Van Helsing would be superior to Carnival of Souls, because it is far more technically competent. That is my rant for the day. You might say its my special "Oscar" rant.

I just won an Oscar!

Wow, I won an Oscar for Best Purchase By Random Movie goer. I'm so thrilled! I recently bought a bucket of popcorn, and as luck would have it, I won an award for it. I'm so cool! I called up my would be girlfriend Terry to tell her the good news; she told me to "piss off," hung up the phone, and wounded by already fragile heart in the process. Oh well, at least I got an award. Maybe this will lead to better things? Maybe I will be the star in the next Peter Jackson movie! Maybe I will be Paris Hilton's future ex-boyfriend! That would rule!

Editor's note: This guy is delusion. The "Oscar" in question was actually a cheap GI Joe action figure the dumbass saw lying on the concession stand counter. The part about the girl telling him to "piss off" is true.

In more personal news:
The Marcus Westown is closing today; thus putting an end to my 7-year Marcus career. I have absolutely no desire to continue in the movie theatre business. The very thought makes me cringe. The Westown was a pretty nice play to work at. I got along with most of the staff, it was the customers that annoyed the living hell out of movie. The worst customers are the ones that attempt to engage in small talk while buying snacks, here is a typical exchange:

"Have you seen Epic Movie?"
"No!"
"You work at movie theatre and you haven't seen Epic Movie?"
"Nope."
"Wow!"
(Awkward pause)

Thank god I no longer have to put up with that! It was a decent run, certainly not as painful as North Shore Cinemas, but that is a different story.

The Academy Awards need to go away!

In my last post I said wasting money on movies was lame, however I realized there is something far lamer than movie going and that is the Academy Awards. The sole reason that the Academy Awards exists is so Hollywood celebrities can pat each other on the back for a job well done. LAME! In the old days of Hollywood the ceremony was small and wasn't viewed by too many people, now it's become a huge phenomenon viewed by billions of people.
The Academy no longer honors excellence in films, rather they just want to sell movies to the audience. Therefore, when a movie is released on DVD it can read, "Winner of 4 Academy Awards, yada yada." Usually, the Academy gives awards to the least deserving of movies.
Here is a list of many undeserving films that have won an award:

Good Will Hunting (Best Original Screenplay and Supporting Actor) Original? What? Robin Williams gives his usual annoying uplifting performance as a tough psychiatrist. Why not just give him the award for Patch Adams, it's essentially the same performance. It's a truly sad to know that Ben Affleck has some how won on Oscar for doing absolutely nothing!
A Beautiful Mind (Best Picture, Director, Supporting Actress, etc.) Stanley Kubrick? NO!
Martin Scorsese? NO! Ron Howard? HELL YEAH! How is it real directors like Kubrick and Scorsese have never gotten anything, but Ron Howard one of the most bland directors in history is bestowed the "sacred" Oscar. Rubbish!
Forrest Gump (Best Picture, Actor, Director, etc.) One of the WORST movies EVER! There are people who LOVE this movie, but let's look at the facts, its just not that good. For some reason Tom Hanks talking rea...a...a....lll...y slow was worthy of an Academy Award. But then again, The Academy loves honoring over hyped actors like Hanks.
Monster's Ball (Best Actress) It's great that Hollywood finally recognized an African-American actress in a film role, but couldn't it have been an actress that isn't Halle Berry, who gives possibly one of the most laughable performances in film history. I guess if the Oscar was for "Best Over-acting by an overpaid actress" then Berry earned it. Oh well!
The Greatest Show on Earth (Best Picture) This movie is highly entertaining, but in all honesty it's not very good. It's a rather corny behind the scenes look at the circus which features various subplots including: a clown wanted for murder, a love triangle between the manager and two acrobats, a train wreck, and evil money grubbing businessmen out to destroy the circus. There were so many better films that came out in 1952, yet this won the top prize. Good job Academy!
Titanic (11 Academy Awards?) How did this win so many Academy Awards? It's essentially your standard tragic love story set aboard the Titanic; there's nothing new and original about it. The screenplay could have come out of the Great Depression, yet people LOVE this movie. The only reason it won the top prize was because it was the highest grossing film of all time!
Chicago (Best Picture, Supporting Actress, etc.) I liked Chicago, but c'mon practically every film nominated that year was infinitely better.
Rocky (Best Picture) The Academy loves uplifting movies, no matter how by the numbers they are. It's not even the best Sly movie, that would be First Blood. Rambo kicks ass! If we had more men like Rambo, we would have won the Vietnam War, or so says the might Sly Stallone.

I'm getting a headache thinking about this crap! The point is: The Academy Awards suck! They have lost credibility in the last decade by consistently honoring extremely forgettable movies.
Don't waste your time this years watching this garbage, stare at a wall instead, it is far more interesting and far less irritating.

Movies are lame!

You know what's lame? Movies! You know what's lamer than movies? People who spend crap loads of money to watch a lame movie! For instance, a few months ago "enlightened" college students decided that it was well worth spending $8.75 on Jack Ass 2, even though they could essentially watch the damn show on MTV for nothing. What's so lame about this you might ask? For starters these baseball cap wearing, nacho loving dudes and their shallow girlfriends are wasting time and money watching a group of 30 something year-olds act like high schoolers! Wow, that is so cool! It's so awesome to see grown men act like children! You know what's even more awesome is the fact that they get paid crap loads of money to do it. It gives me a great feeling to know that a group of no-talent dillweeds can make more money in a year than most people make in a lifetime for acting like children. KICK ASS! Maybe I should make my own Jack Ass video, it could make me a millionaire.
Recently, moviegoers young and old alike flocked to see the Jumanji rip off A Night at the Museum. The biggest irony about this film is that it's destined to be forgotten, despite having a huge box office. I'm sure many people will buy it when it comes out DVD; but I'm also certain that it will collect dust on many shelves! The DVD will contain all sorts of special features that no one will watch, but will have been the main reason why they bought it.
I hate movies! OK, this a huge exaggeration, but I'm not in love with them like I used to be. I think the age of the DVD has killed the magic movies once had, because we all know how they're made. It's hard to get excited over a film like Peter Jackson's dreadful remake of King Kong, because as good as the effects might have been, every one knows how they were done. There's no magic behind it, instead it's all computers!

EM-BEAR-ASSING!

I'm happy that my gut feeling was wrong and the Bears lost. It was great to see Rex GROSSman throw two interceptions and to see the Colts tear apart the over-rated Bears defense. The only thing that pissed me off was the Colts inability to score touchdowns in the second half. They had plenty of opportunities to put the game away, but kept letting the damn Bears hang around. Though, the main reason why this upset me is because I was at a bar and when ever the Colts scored a touchdown I was given a free shot. If the Colts would have gotten more touchdowns, I would have gotten more shots. All in all it was a good night!

My thoughts one the Super Bowl (for the two people who care).

Why is that when ever the Colts are favored to win a game, something in my gut tells me they are going to lose? I don't really care for the Colts, but damn it I'd rather see them win a Super Bowl than the Bears. However, given the Colts history for blowing big games, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if Peyton Manning has crappy game against the Bears over hyped defense. Hopefully, my gut feeling is wrong and the Bears lose big time.

The other thing that gives me a bad feeling is the fact that Sean Salisbury picked the Colts to win. When ever, Salisbury picks a team to win they usually lose. He picked the Aints (I mean the Saints) to beat the Bears and we all know how that game turned out.

If the Bears lose I can just see the hilarious headlines now, "EM-BEAR-ASSING" or my favorite one, "GROSS MAN!" And if the Colts lose I can just see the all the damn sportwriters making excuses for Peyton Manning, "The Colts defense really dropped the ball this time around. It's not Manning's fault he threw three interceptions, his defense gave him too much time to make mistakes."

You don't understand!

Doc you got to lock me up? Stop looking at as if I'm crazy! Look, you don't understand, year ago I was bitten by a wolf......a werewolf, every night of the full moon I turn into a monster. You got to stop me before I kill again! Please, won't you listen to me, you fool! You got to lock me up now! If you don't, you'll be sorry! I might accidentally kill you while I have temporarily regressed into my bestial form. OK, don't say I didn't warn you. JERK!

Note: This is based entirely off a true story! Except the raving madman didn't use the word jerk, he actually said, "MORON!" But jerk sounded a lot better, so we took a little liberties telling you this exciting story.

Note: The man really wasn't a werewolf, he was actually a pizza delivery boy.

Note: He wasn't bitten by a wolf either, he was actually bitten by his pet cat.


I

Another fuckin' Patriot and Colts play off game!

Why? Why did we have to be given the worst case scenario for an AFC championship game? For the next week on ESPN they are going to be making stupid comments like, "Will Peyton Manning finally beat the Patriots? Is it his year? Will Tom Brady win his fourth Super Bowl? Will history repeat itself? See why Sean Salisbury thinks it's Peyton Manning's year." Then Sean Salisbury (one of the biggest douche bags on the planet) will jabber on and on about how Manning is the greatest quarterback of all time, then as a sidenote say that Tom Brady is pretty good too. Then he'll say something like, "Peyton Manning's defense and offense better not let him down like last year," because as well all know Peyton Manning doesn't make mistakes.
Have you ever watch a Colts game? Every time Peyton Manning throws a completion the commentators are like, "GENIUS! He truly is one of the all time greats." Then when he throws an interception they'll say something like,"It was a smart interception, it was practically like a punt. Manning knows when to make smart interceptions, that why he is the GREATEST QUARTERBACK OF ALL TIME!" Damn the Chargers! Damn the Ravens! Damn all the AFC teams that allowed this to happen.

The Seahawks are the best team ever bro!

Sundays victory over the Tampa Buccaneers proved once and for all that the Seattle Seahawks are the best team ever! I mean...dude... they totally destroyed the Bucs. Matt Hasselbeck is one bad ass bro and don't get me started on Shaun Alexander; he's so bad ass that he makes other bad asses look like Cinderella. The Cowboys don't stand a chance against the Seahawks.
Did you know the Seahawks were in the Super Bowl last year? Super Bowl XXXL was the greatest Super Bowl of all time.
And I don't want to hear the Seahawks lost the Super Bowl! They didn't bro, they were robbed by the refs. The refs had it out for the Seahawks, because of America's love affair with the Steelers. The refs sucked! Hasselbeck clearly is the greatest quarterback of all time and as far as I'm concerned he is a Super Bowl winner.
I really am craving a frappucino at the moment, think I'll head over to Starbucks, bro.

I think I'll go to the museum.

After having seen the delightful A Night at the Museum, I have decided to take a trip to the museum. According to the movie the museum is a place where "history comes alive." I'm so excited about going to the museum that I actually took the day off from work so I could go. I'm also bringing my girlfriend, because she found the movie delightful as well. Who knows what exciting adventures we will encounter.

Where da flag?

Hey ref, where da flag? Dat guy was all over me! He was roughing me up!
Man, that's bullshit! I want a flag. How could I possibly catch da ball with his hands in my face? You needs to open your eyes, because I was held.

I'm going to watch The Grinch.


I just LOVE the Jim Carrey version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, it soooo delightful. I remember when I first saw in the theatres on Thanksgiving, I couldn't stop laughing. It's SOOOOO much better than out dated cartoon of the 60s. That version sucks! It doesn't bother to explain why the Grinch hates Christmas so much. I never understood why he hated Christmas! Thankfully, the Jim Carrey version leaves no stone unturned and explains everything within the first five minutes. Did I mention its directed by the brilliant Ron Howard? That guy is my favorite director! He is infinitely better than that hack Spielberg!
The part that always touches me the most in The Grinch is when he comes to his sense and realizes Christmas is a truly wonderful thing. I always get a tear in my eye.
I must have seen this movie at least 100 times. I watch at least 10 times during the month of December. Well, time to watch this masterpiece of masterpieces.
And if I have time I think I will pop in the joyful Polar Express. I love the "Hot Chocolate" musical number.

Where's my burrito?

I've seem to lost my burrito. Where did it go? I left it right on this table when I got up to get some hot sauce. Now it is gone! Did some vandal steal it?I sure hope not! Who would want to break into my apartment to steal a burrito? Did my dog eat it? Unlikely, since I don't have a dog. Where did it go? This is quite the mystery. Maybe it's underneath my couch. I shall look. Yup, there it is.
MMMMM burrito.

That Jessica Simpson digital cable commercial is so funny!

Have you seen that digital cable commerical in which Jessica Simpson plays Daisy Duke and talks about how you are missing out if you don't have digital cable? You know the one I mean, it ends with her saying, "I don't know what it is, but I totally want it." That commerical! It's so funny! Jessica Simpson is such a great actress! First she made Dukes of Hazzard, then the delightful Employee of the Month and now this uproarous commercial. Is there anything she can't do? I think not! Singer and actress in one, that's quite a talent. Wow! I think Jessica and her sister Ashlee need to make a movie together. If the Duff sisters can make a movie, then surely the Simpson sisters can too.

This movie based off a true story, therefore it is automatically good. How can you possibly hate something that really happened? Last week my friend and I watched Patch Adams and I thought it was sooooo good, but my friends said it was crap. I told them it was based off a true story, therefore it couldn't be bad. They told me mostly everything in the movie was made up, I was appalled by their lies. Why would filmmakers bastardize the truth? What would they have to gain by doing such a terrible thing? To quote Jean Luc Godard..or was it Francois Truffaut...film is "24 truths a second," or something like that. I don't know, but I do know that anything film based on true events is automatically a good movie and if you hate the truth, then you hate life. That's my opinion, now I think I will watch the historically accurate film Pocahantas.

My apartment is haunted.
Last night I heard weird noises come from the kitchen in my apartment and came to conclusion that it is haunted. Now, there is no history of murder in my apartment, no one else has reported anything out of the ordinary, but I am convinced it is haunted. If you do not believe my apartment is haunted, then you are closed minded. I am open minded, therefore I am more susceptible to ghosts and other paranormal activities.
One time, I saw an alien eating Taco Bell and when I told my friend he said it wasn't an alien, just a college student with a mohawk. Closed minded fascist! Why don't people believe me? Why can't people believe! I think they need to watch the Polor Express and listen to lyrics to that one song, "If you just believe." That's a good movie!

Maybe the Bears aren't for real!

After watching the Chicago Bears lose to the Miami Dolphins on Sunday it has dawned on me that maybe, just maybe the Bears aren't for real. I mean let's face it they've had a pretty easy schedule up to this point and the next few weeks are going to be tough on them. It's one thing to score 41 points against the 49ers, but I highly doubt they will be able to put up such numbers against teams like the Giants, Patriots, and the Rams. They're still a good football team, but I don't think they have what it takes to win the Super Bowl. I'll wait and see what Tony Kornheiser has to say about the Bears, he is after all an expert. He's the one who called them a "team of destiny" after their win against the Cardinals on Monday Night Football. I don't know what to think. I'm so confused!

It's time to kick off the Christmas season!

Christmas is just around the corner, which means it times to kick off the Christmas season. I think I will begin the season by taking the children to see Santa Clause 3; it looks so delightful. The first two Santa Clause films were so cute. It might be a good idea to watch the first two films before I see the third one. I don't want to go into Santa Clause 3 and not be able to follow the narrative. I love Christmas. My favorite Christmas memory is seeing The Grinch on Thanksgiving with my family. That movie was sheer joy from beginning to end. I love Jim Carrey. I already put up my Christmas decorations and I've been listening to Manheim Steamroller for the last three days. I love Manheim Streamroller, their Christmas albums are sooooo good. Oh look, the Coke cans with Santa on them are on the shelves. I think I'll buy at least seven or eight 12 packs. This is going to be one awesome Christmas!

Let's go clubbing


We totally got to hit the clubs and pick up some babes. It will be awesome! I have it all figured out, we will walk up to a group of hotties and start groping them, pretending that it's all part our dance routine. They will totally get horny and we will totally score. It will be cool. C'mon let's go clubbing, I guarantee we will get laid. And if we don't at least we can cop a feel. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! I remember one time I went clubbing, I saw this angelic babe in a small, tight uniform dancing on a platform, so I pretended to lose my footing and my hand "accidentally" touched her breasts. It was cool. Then she was like, "Watch it jerk!" I apologized and went on to the dance floor and "accidentally" grabbed a few women's asses. Ha Ha! I told my friends about it the next day while playing Final Fantasy VIII, they were so jealous. Then I came to the horrible realization that it was all dream. I didn't go clubbing! I didn't grope any unsuspecting women! It was one big DREAM! I was so depressed. My lone goal in life is to clubbing, I got to make this one dream come true! I got to! I just go to or else my life is empty, much like the awful Pirates of the Caribbean sequel.

It's unanimous: The Marine is the greatest movie of all time.

Last night I saw The Marine with my bros and we all agreed that it was the greates movie of all time. I had not been this impressed with a movie since Walking Tall starring The Rock. John Cena was AWESOME! He was one major bad ass; I sure hope there is a sequel in the works, because I really need to see more adventures starring the Marine. And the chick who played his wife, she was HAWT! And best all, it had that one dude from Terminator 2 as the head villain. He's one mean bro! If you're looking for a great film that is both deep and exciting, The Marine is for you.

The DaVinci Code LIED TO ME!

After seeing the trailer for the upcoming The Passion of the Christ prequel The Nativity Story, I realized that I was deceived by The DaVinci Code. Satan in the form of Tom Hanks, Ron Howard and Dan Brown made me have doubts about the virgin birth and the resurrection. The DaVinci Code made me question the bible and my faith. I was a lost soul, until I saw the trailer forThe Nativity Story. Thanks to that trailer my faith in Jesus has been restored, Hallelujah! Praise be to God! I decided to celebrate my restored faith by watching The Passion of the Christ and if there's time afterwards maybe I'll read the scriptures.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bears are for real.
The Chicago Bears last night victory over the Arizona Cardinals proved once and for all that they are for real. They were losing 20-0 at half time, but some how they found a way to win. And that's what good teams do, they find a way to win. Granted, the Bears offense contributed nothing to the game, but that's besides the point. You don't need a good offense, when you have a good defense. The Bears defense found a way to win and that's what good defenses do. When your offense is struggling, your defense has to give them a helping hand and that's what the Bears did. They found away to win. I repeat they found a way to win. Just in case you didn't hear me the first five times: THEY FOUND A WAY TO WIN! Got it? The Bears are the real deal and they are here to stay. However, in the words of the immortal Mike Holmgren, "WE'RE NOT DONE YET!"

I hate George W. Bush, therefore I am a good person.

I hate George W. Bush. He's a Nazi! Anybody who supports Bush is a horrible person, where as I am a good person. I don't believe in war, I'm for peace and love. Bush hates peace! He hates peace, because peace is something you can't tax, man. He hates love, because love has no price tag. What ever Bush can't buy he hates.
I oppose Bush, which makes me one righteous dude.
Yesterday, I saw a minority on the street and gave him a dollar. I told him it must be hard living in poverty. He told me that he didn't need my dollar and that he was working a full time job. I admired his courage and optimism; here was a man living at the bottom of the barrel and yet he refused my assistance. He wanted to make it on his own. Wow, what an inspiration. However, I insisted that he keep the dollar and walked away feeling good about myself. I'd like to think I am making a difference in this world. You don't see Bush and his mindless supporters wanting to make a difference. They represent death, where as my liberal colleagues and I represent life. Look, another minority! I better take care of him, because he can't take care of himself. Hey minority let me buy you a dinner! No, don't run away, I want to help you. WAIT! I wonder why they keep refusing my help!
Look at the time, I got to be at an anti-war rally in fifteen minutes. Look out Bush, the revolution is here! Viva la Revolution!

The five worst movies of all time by Random IMDB User

1. Dr. Stragelove - Tis movie is so gay. I did not get that scene in which that guy rides bomb. STUPID. The box said it was a comedy, but I did nawt laugh once. Give me Little Nicky instead, that movie is hilarious.

2. King Kong (the stupid old one) This movie suckd. It's efect were not as good as the Peter Jackzon verzion. I was so disappointed.

3. Gremblins - This movie needs to be remade with computer effects. I hat puppet effects ,there not as cool as computers.

4. The Godfather - SNOOOZE! It was no Scarface. This movie is boring. Not enough action and blood, not to mention nudity. I didn't even make it to the end.

5. Jaws - wtf? This movie sooooo bad. I mean, it was like a poor man's Deep Blue Sea! That movie was awesome. The sharks in that movie were BAD ASS, like Vince Vauhn. The shark in Jaw was so fake. I mean, it sucked. I kept laughing at how stupid it looked. WTF? I mean seriously, waht the fuk?

Note: The opinions expressed by Random IMDB user are not those of this blog.

Hey, what's up? I just read your profile. You sound pretty cool, lol. I see that you like heavy metal, I also like heavy metal. We have so much in common, lmao. We should hang out some time, rofl. I see you like movies about vampires, I like them too :) We should get together and watch some vampire movie, lol. I hope to hear from you soon ;)

That's nawt funny!

Hey bro, leave those babes alone! You're NAWT funny! Do you see any one laughing? No one's laughing! Why is no one laughing? Cause you're NAWT funny! OK bro, just back away from those babes, before me and my three bros kick your ass. Hey, what did I just say dude? Don't worry babes will take care of you. We'll teach this fucker a thing or two about manners.
HEY DUDE, YOU'RE NAWT FUNNY! Stop acting like you are funny, cause you're not. No one in this restaurant thinks you are being funny. No one. Do you understand English? You're no Jack Sparrow man.

If you wondering why I have not updated my blog in two months, it's because I have not had the interet since early July. I finally got the Internet last week, but my computer went to shit on me, so I had to have it fixed. My wonderful brother-in-law Byron got my computer running again, but then I found I couldn't couldn't access the Internet. So I called Time Warner today and now as you can see, I have the Internet. Isn't that great? I thought so.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest was not the bad ass film I was expecting it to be.

Last night, I put on my best pirate outfit and went to see the midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. I loved the first film SO MUCH! I remember I saw the first film three weeks after it came out after hearing good things from my best friend. I went and was pleasantly surprised. I loved the film so much that I saw it five times in the theatre and bought anything that had Johnny Depp's face pasted on it. When I heard about the sequel, I was psyched. I HAD to see the midnight show. You're not a true Pirates fan, unless you go to the midnight show. I decided I would go to the midnight show dressed up as a pirate, so I went to a costume store and bought a pirate outfit. I was amazed at how many people dressed up. I arrived three hours early and spent most of the time hitting on a group of busty maidens. One maiden gave me her number and later on we walked the deck, if you know what I mean. Ha Ha!

Midnight finally came; after waiting three hours the opening credits began to roll. There were enthusiastic cheers and applause from the audience. A few people even cracked a few jokes in the first couple of minutes. Then the first hour rolled by, so far I wasn't impressed by what I was seeing. It's not that it was bad; it just wasn't the same experience I had with the first film. However, it is a two and a half hour film, which gives it plenty of time to improve. Then another half hour rolled by; it seemed like an eternity. I kept checking my watch, it was 1:30, which meant I had another hour to go. "Maybe it will pick up in the last hour," I said to myself. It didn't. I got so bored with the film, that I went out for a cigarette. What happened? The first Pirates was bad ass, this one was just bad. I mean...it wasn't bad, it had it's good points, but compared to the wonderful original it didn't live up to my standards. After seeing Dead Man's Chest, I don't have any desire to see the third Pirates of the Caribbean.