Get a life!

On Saturday, I was given the unpleasant task of closing the theatre, which means I had to hang around until all the geeks who saw X-Men 3 left. I'm not saying every one who saw X-Men 3 is a geek, but a good majority of them are. While most moviegoers vacate the theatre after a movie has ended, geeks usually hang out in the lobby and have a serious discussion about the film for a good twenty minutes, before being forced out. These people seriously need to get a friggin' life. I ask you: What is more lame than seeing a movie on a Saturday night and then talking about it in a theatre lobby for twenty minutes? There are so many other things you could be doing with your life, why waste time talking about whether or not Wolverine will has his own movie, or how disappointed you were that Gambit was not in the movie?
When I was 13 years-old I used to ask similar questions, but most of these geeks are in their late 20s-early 30s. Most of them drink vast quantities of Mountain Dew, while laughing every time the filmmaker throws in a random reference to the comic books, or worse yet they applaud every time one of the main mutants shows off their powers. Therefore in X-Men 3, when Wolverine kills some one with his claws, they high five one another and cheer.
The sad irony is that most of these rabid X-Men fans will forget about X-Men 3 as soon as the next big blockbuster movie comes out. I can't wait until Superman Returns comes out, to see how many geeks will applaud it and how many geeks will dismiss it. Where's Bizarro? Boo hiss!

MEL GIBSON LIED TO ME!

After seeing The DaVinci Code, I came to the horriblie realization that Mel Gibson lied to me. In The Passion of the Christ, Mel Gibson stated that Jesus Christ was the son of God, that he died on the cross for our sins and was resurrected. I remember after seeing The Passion, I decided I would devote more time to church and following the word of God. After seeing The DaVinci Code, I have come to the harsh reality that I have been living a lie. AND IT'S ALL MEL GIBSON'S FAULT!
I want my money back Mel Gibson! Hopefully, I can sell my DVD copy of The Passion of the Christ on e-bay, I'm sure there are a lot of ignorant Christians out there who will buy it any price. I like to thank Ron Howard, Tom Hanks, and Dan Brown for opening my eyes! Hopefully The DaVinci Code will inspire more disbelief amongst practicing Christians and turn them into hard core atheists.
I can't believe Christians allow themselves to be so easily brainwashed. I'm so glad I have the ability to think for myself! Unlike most Christians, I am not easily fooled by wild, unproven theories!

I like TV dinners!
I like TV dinners, I don't know why the get such a bad rep. Last night, I had a delicious Banqet "Original Chicken Meal" and it was damn tasty. I told my friends they should try it and they said, "TV dinners suck! They are more bland than a Ron Howard film." I told them that was a low blow, nothing and I mean NOTHING should ever be compared to Ron Howard. One night I told my girlfriend Sue Ann that I would make her dinner, so I popped a "Salisbury Steak" TV dinner in the microwave and brought it out to her on a plate. She stared at the TV dinner for about a minute and then looked at me like she was going to kill me. As she got up to walk out the door, she called me a "cheap son of a bitch." I have not heard from her since; I guess she doesn't like TV dinners!
I recently bought five Banquet TV dinners for five dollars at Wal-Mart. I was so happy that I called my parents to let them know about this great deal. They said, "That's nice son!" and hung up the phone. I'm hungry, I think I will have a "Chicken Nuggets" TV dinner. I love chicken nuggets, especially with Barbecue sauce.

I only see movies at the Oriental!

I hate Hollywood movies, they are mindless entertainment that give the audience everything it wants. I, unlike many film goers, love movies that make me THINK. I love a good challenge, which is why I only see movies at the Oriental. When I wait inline at the Oriental, I think to myself, "Gee, I am so much better than every one else." While most film goers waste their time watching dribble like Scary Movie 4, I am watching brilliant, thought provoking cinema like Elephant. Why can't people be more like me and think outside the box? Why must they give into trends? I don't give into trends, I am above that. I haven't been brainwashed by pop-culture like the rest of America. Last night, my friends and I saw Thank You For Smoking, afterwards we made our traditional trip to Node cafe, where we talked about the movie and drank coffee. We had a rather engaging conversation and the coffee was delicious. I can't wait to see what challenge the Oriental has in store for me next week. I hope it's another Gus Van Sant movie. That guy is awesome. He is highly revered by critics. In fact, next week in my film history class we are watching Psycho. I can't wait.

Where's the pop-culture references?

I was trying to watch this boring ass old comedy called Some Like It Hot and I kept waiting for hilarious pop-culture references to pop up. Alas, they did not! When I watch a comedy, I want as many pop-culture references as possible! That is why I love Family Guy and the Scary Movies, because they totally rip on pop-culture! There's nothing funnier than referencing other people's ideas and making a joke out of them! I remember when I saw the first Scary Movie, I laughed for like ten minutes after Marlon Wayans said, "I see dead people!" Because it was referencing The Sixth Sense and I got the joke, because I saw The Sixth Sense. Pop-cultures references are the backbone for all great comedies. Remember that scene in Shrek, in which Princess Fiano takes on Robin Hood and his Merry Men Matrix-style? That was hysterical. It was so clever! Who wants originality in comedies, when filmmakers can just mock scenes from other movies? There's so much comedy gold waiting to be mined, why even take the time to think up your own ideas? I sure hope there's a Scary Movie 5, so they can make fun of When a Stranger Calls, V For Vendetta, Harry Potter, and other upcoming films! It would be so awesome to see a Superman Returns parody thrown in the mix!

Hating George W. Bush = SEX

Yesterday, I was at an anti-Bush rally chanting such phrases like, "BUSH IS A NAZI" and "War is not my voice," when an extremely fine liberal chick asked me if I would like a cup of coffee. So we went to Starbucks and she went on a rant about how much she hated Bush. I nodded my head pretending to have interest, while staring at her breast, wondering what she looked like naked. Any ways, afterwards we went to her place and had crazy sex. It was awesome. Would she have slept with me had she known I was really a Bush loving conservative? NO! She thought because I hated Bush, I was different from most men, therefore trustworthy enough to have sex with. Pretending to hate Bush has gotten me laid countless of times in the past five years! It's amazing how these liberated chicks turn into putty as soon as you mention how wrong the war in Iraq is. Women love men with causes, even when they don't believe in them.

Crashing weddings isn't as fun as I thought it would be!

Last week, I watched Wedding Crashers with my buddies. Afterwards, we decided that we would crash a wedding one of these weekends. On Friday, we finally got our chance, unfortunately it wasn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be. For one thing, women just weren't responding to our advances. At the reception, I noticed an extremely fine woman dancing with her lady friends. I went in for the kill, but before I could do any killer dance moves, she walked away.
However, I put it behind me and decided to move onto another hottie. I spotted an extremely gorgeous girl sitting by herself at a table. I walked up to her and said, "What's up babe?" She smiled and told me she was feeling sad. I pretended to care and asked her, "Why?" She then went on a rant about how the groom was her ex-boyfriend and how she still had feelings for him. I tried to change the subject, but she just wouldn't let go. It was Bill this and Bill that. I told her I had to go to the bathroom, got up and ran away for dear life.
Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. I asked this cute girl if she wanted to dance. Much to my surprise she said yes. We got on the dance floor and I showed her my fancy moves. We got along great, I ask fo her number and she gave it to me. All seemed well, until I learned that she was only thirteen....and a boy at that! When I found out, I ran into the bathroom and vomited for half an hour!
All I can say is that Wedding Crashers lied! I will never trust a comedy again! NEVER! This isn't the first time a movie lied to me, after watching Animal House, I decided to go to college. I was expecting my college life would be filled with hilarious adventures, male bonding, and lots of hot naked women, instead I spent most of my time studying and sleeping. Real life totally sucks balls! I wish my life were like a movie!

A tribute to Breckin Meyer






I must thank Dave Faber for this post; he reminded me of the upcoming film Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties and gave the inspiration needed to write a tribute to Breckin Meyer.
If you do not know who Breckin Meyer is, then you should be banned from watching movies. Breckin Meyer is possibly the second greatest actor of all time next to Jim Varney. Breckin Meyer has appeared in countless movies in the past ten years, but his most famous role is that of Jon Arbuckle in the film adaptation of Garfield. Watch any scene in which Jon interacts with Garfield and it seems completely natural. Meyers' acting is so convincing that Garfield never seems like a CGI effect, but a real, breathing cat. There seems to be a genuine relationship between Jon and Garfield; only a great actor like Breckin Meyer could pull it off so convincingly. And the chemistry Meyers shares with the lovely Jennifer Love Hewitt is electrifying. When the two are onscreen parks literally fly. I don't know about you, but I would love to see more Breckin Meyer - Jennifer Love Hewitt films in the future. In fact, they have such chemistry that it wouldn't surprise me if they are secretly married in real life.
Hopefully, Meyer will be recognized for his brilliant work and be awarded Oscar for Best Actor in next year's Academy Award ceremony. Unfortunately, I don't think Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties will stand a chance of winning Best Picture, because it will up against the brilliant She's The Man and the heartwarming teen comedy Aquamarine. I don't know about you, but I'm already excited for next year's Oscar ceremony.

It's been two weeks since I've lasted posted on this blog and in two weeks time, absolutely nothing has happened. In fact, about the only exciting thing that happened to me was that I was abducted by aliens. But I'm sure you don't want to hear such a boring story. Alien abduction is an accepted FACT at this moment, it happens practically to every one. I remember my sister was abducted when she was five and I was so jealous that they abducted her and not me. In fact, most of my friends were abducted long before I was.. Alas. Alas, what was I to do? Last week, after I was abducted, I told my friends rather enthusiastically, "I'VE FINALLY BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!"
They all laughed and said, "What's the big deal? We've been abducted like 50 times. Do you think you're special?" I broke into tears. It used to be big news if some one was abducted by aliens, now no one seems to notice.

The Oscars!

I'm happy to report that I did not watch the Oscars, because the Oscars are friggin' lame. There was a time when the Oscars used to honor excellence in the cinema, now their goal is to honor films that didn't suck. In a matter of years, mediocre films will be nominated for Best Picture, wait this has all ready happened, how else do you explain A Beautiful Mind? Ha Ha! I hate awards ceremonies, there's nothing more annoying than over hyped, over paid celebrities patting each other on the back for a job well done. The Oscars should be put of their misery, but sadly it go on and on, long after I am dead and forgotten.Oh wait, I am forgotten. Who am I? God, I'm old. Where's my cane? I need my cane, I can't walk without. AHHHH!
The End! Color By Technicolor. Filmed in Panavision

IMDB top 250 is a fuckin' joke!

Have you ever visited IMDB? If you have, then you are aware of the IMDB top 250 films list. There are many good films in the list, yet many of them don't belong in the top 25o. This list is decided by the number of votes a certain film gets from the users, therefore because there are thousands of Star Wars geeks out there, the Star Wars films generally get a higher score then they deserve. The point is the list is biased because the users will only vote on films that they have seen; which means many great films have no representation because they are harder to see. You will notice that many of the films on the list are more contemporary, this is a fallacy because it is too early to decide whether or not these films will withstand the test of time. Here a few examples of the gross injustices that appear on the IMDB top 250.
- Shawshank Redemption is #2 on the list. How is it possible that a film so bland could be so high up on ANY list? It's hardly an original film. It's certainly not ground breaking, yet people seem to under the impression is a a masterpiece of cinema. All I can say that there are thousands of films that are far, far, far better than Shawshank Redemption, yet obviously many users on IMDB don't think so.
- Star Wars Episode III is ranked 235 on the list. Did these people actually watched Episode III? I admit I enjoyed it, but come on it was by no means a great movie. In fact, it is still under debate as to whether or not it was a good movie. A great film generally has interesting characters as well as a good storyline to boot, this has neither. It had potential to be great, but people should not mistake potential for greatness.
-Fight Club is 33 on this list, The Matrix is 34. I don't really like either of these two films, so I am biased, but I'm sure many people who do like these movies would agree they shouldn't be so high on this list. Both films have not aged too well in the past six years. The Matrix looks as dated as the Flash Gordon serials of the 40s. However, at least the Flash Gordon serials are fun too watch, where as The Matrix is a stupid summer flick trying to pose as an intelligent work of art. Fight Club is just nihilistic nonsense loved by leftist college intellects, who when they get a real job will more than likely turn into uptight conservatives.
- Sin City is #63. WHAT? I liked Sin City, it was a pretty enjoyable film, but it was also a pretty shallow film. It is essentially about ugly tough men and gorgeous, scantily clad woman who commit random acts of violence. I'm sure many people over analyzed the film, giving it a deeper meaning than it actually has. I don't think Sin City belongs in the top 1000 films, let alone the top 65.
There are many other undeserving films on the list, but if I were to write them all down, I would be on the computer for the entire week, bitching and moaning about how stupid the IMDB list is. Thank you for reading my post. I love some of you.

A FILM REVIEW!

Wow, I love romantic comedies. If you love romantic comedies too, then I highly recommend you rent 13 Going on 30, it is a sheer delight from beginning to end. It's the kind of film that you just can watch over and over, with out ever tiring of. I remember this one time I was watching 13 Going on 30, and this dude came in and said, "Why are you watching this flick? It's for chicks!" I replied,"Because it's a good movie!" Then he punch me in the stomach and told me to start watching guy films. I called him a bitch and continued watching 13 Going on 30.
I called up my girlfriend and I asked her if she wanted to come over, just so I could have an excuse to watch it again. She said she didn't want to watch 13 Going on 13, in fact she said shedespised the movie, because I watched it so much. I realized we could never work out as a couple, so I broke up with her; I cheered myself up by watching 13 Going on 30. It's not as good as My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but it's damn near close.
I give a grand total of four stars.
Next week I will review the much beloved classic: She's All That.

2006 will be a great year for movies!

2006 is looking to be the greatest movie year of ALL TIME! That's right, so far this year has brought us such wonderful pieces of cinema like When a Stranger Calls, The Pink Panther, Final Destination III, and other great works of art. Could this year possibly get any better? HELL YEAH!
There are two films in particular that I am dying to see: Aquamarine and She's The Man.
Aquamarine is about two teenage girls who discover a teenaged mermaid in their beach club's swimming cool. It stars Sara Paxton, who's brilliant turn in the much loved masterpiece Sleepover made her an over night sensation. I sense that come Oscar time next year, this film will be nominated for at least nine Academy Awards and is a definite shoe in for Best Original Screenplay. I would like to think it will win Best Picture, but it will face heavy competition with the upcoming, Shakespeare adaptation She's the Man.

She's the Man stars Amanda Bynes (the star of Nickolodeon's The Amanda Show and the WB's smash hit What I Like About You) and is adapted from the Shakespeare play Twelfth Night. This is not the first teen comedy to draw inspiration from Shakespeare, previous attempts include Ten Things I Hate About You and Get Over It, both are easily two of the best films made in the last ten years. Given this successful trend of adapting Shakespeare into a modern, teenage setting it is safe to say that She's the Man will be an undisputed classic, destined to be cherished by many generations of film fans around the world.
Well, that is all I have for now, I hope to see you at the movies.

MY 100th Post

This is truly a historic moment, this is my 100th post on this blog. I remember when I started this blog, most people (all two of them) told me I wouldn't last, that I was crazy for starting my own blog. Most people, including myself didn't think I would make it pasts 50 posts, but I prevailed. I truly am a king amongst men, or at least bloggers. I would like to celebrate this historical moment by drinking what ever beers are left in the refrigerator. I'm so awesome. Who knows maybe some gorgeous women will come across this blog, realize all I have accomplished and want to become the future Misses Bryan Goggins. NAH!

Today, I decided that instead of sitting on my ass, watching TV, I would go out and get some exercise.I put on my jogging pants and headed towards the door. When I got outside, I realized it was way too cold for jogging, so I went back in doors. I decided to go to the gym and lift some weights, but realized that I didn't have the muscles to lift weights. I thought I would exercise my intellect by reading a book, however I only got up to the third paragraph before I started to fall asleep. I then decided that I would watch an art film, that would surely exercise my intellect, however it was way too boring. I decided to watch Teen Wolf and analyze it, but I stopped analyzing it five minutes into the film, and focused all my energy on watching the movie and eating popcorn at the same time. In the end I wound up watching a stupid movie while sitting on a comfy chair. This was quite the eventful day.

Hollywood Actors - The Most Worthless People on the Planet

Is there anything more worthless on this planet than Hollywood actors? I think not. Have you ever watched a making of documentary and all the actors do is complain how long their hours are? They talk about how they are often on the set for 14 hours and hardly got any sleep. Of course, they are not being entirely honest, generally actors spend most of the long day WAITING, while the director and crew set up a shot. While the crew is working their asses off, the actor is in his trailer drinking coffee that one of their four assistants prepared for him, while their make up artist is working on his face. I hate actors. I hate when they bitch about the injustices in the world, while they are sitting on some cozy sofa and being lit to look beautiful. My favorite bunch are the quasi-Hollywood liberals who constantly criticize America, yet are unaware of the irony that only in America are they considered remotely important. Where else in the world could Jim Carrey make 20 million for making junk like Fun With Dick and Jane. Did George Segal make even 1/20 of that amount when he starred in the original? These self - important morons would never get paid ridiculous sums of money in any other part of the world. If anything Hollywood actors have benefitted greatly from captialism, no matter how horrible they might be. I find it ridiculous that people like Cameron Diaz, Paul Walker, Julia Roberts, Halle Berry, etc. make more money than people who actually work for a living. It just goes to show how overrated the movie going experience is.
A word to movie goers who complain about theatre prices: Movie tickets wouldn't cost so much, if stars didn't get paid ludrcious sums of money to appear in drek like Mission Impossible III. If you want to blame some one for high prices, blame your beloved actors and their demands for higher salaries. God knows Robin Williams earns his money when he plays the same spastic man child he played for 15 years.
What about the ones who perform their own stunts? Hey, if I'm shelling out crap loads of money, they better perform their own stunts and be willing to take risks. I hate actors.

Burger King kicks ass! I know this is a statement that many people will disagree with, however this is my blog and in my opinion Burger King kicks ass!
Here is my proof:
- When Lord of the Rings came out, Burger King came out with nifty Lord of the Rings glass goblets that could also light up. I got the Gandalf and the Arwen goblets. Who who can forget the awesome slogan, "They're not to behold, they're to be held." Sheer genius! I remember one time Kevin Neville and myself decided to eat some Burger King while watching Fellowship of the Ring and it made the movie ten times better!
- Whoppers. I don't even have to explain this comment, they are delicious. The Burger King on Bluemound has a special on Whoppers, two for three dollars.
- Star Wars action figures. During Episode III, you could get mini-Star Wars action figures ONLY at Burger King. It totally kicked ass!
- The Gilbert Burger. For those who don't remember, when Gilbert Brown was on the Packers, Burger King had the Gilbert Burger named after the man himself. I never had the burger, but if Gilbert Brown liked it, then it must have been good.
-A triple Whopper can last you a week. After eating it, you have no desire what so ever to eat or look at food, because you are so full.

OK, these are lame reasons, but I don't care. Burger King kicks ass!

I hate the movie going experience. Have you ever gone to a movie only to be constantly distracted by some sickly old man hacking up a lung? Or to be distracted by the chatter of stupid high school students, who are more interested in checking their overpriced cell phones than watching the film they paid $8.75 to see? What's even more annoying is when irresponsible parents drop their children off at the theatre and take forever in picking their children up. The children wait and wait, but the parents don't show, then the children decide they should be as loud and obnoxious as possible, so you constantly have to tell them to shut up. I've gone off topic. The only time I can enjoy a movie is when the theatre is empty, because then I don't have to worry about annoying distractions. Though, I admit I haven't actually seen a movie in months, because I don't have any desire to see films like Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Glory Road, King Kong and Chronicles of Narnia. In the case of the first two films, some one would actually have to pay me to see them. In the case of King Kong, I've seen the original version, therefore I do not need to see a three hour remake. As for Narnia, it looks better than King Kong, but that's not saying much.
Movies are shittier than ever! However on the bright side, at least there are no Jessica Simpson films in the works. Or are there?

Last night a ten man expedition went to see the movie Blood Rayne, only two of which made it out a live. At precisely 6:35 PM, the ten man team entered the unknown depths of the theatre. They all brought a week's rations of food and water, as well as change of clothes, sleeping bags and flashlights. At 6:55, the movie started. Employees reported hearing blood chilling screams coming from the screen that was showing Blood Rayne. At 7:15, four members of the expedition decided they could bear no more and committed suicide. They pulled out their pistols and shot themselves in head; blood splattered all over the seats. The rest of the team decided that this mission was too dangerous; Blood Rayne was way too deadly of a movie to see. They began their descent down the stairs; one of the members lost his footing and fell down the stairway, breaking his right foot in the process. He shouted to his fellow team members, "Go on with out me! Save yourselves!" The remaining five continued with the descent, when all of a sudden a crazed Blood Rayne fan sitting in the middle row grabbed two of them and asked why they were leaving the show. His gripped was so powerful, that he crushed both team members lung cavities, killing them instantaneously. He was quoted as saying, "Blood Rayne is the best movie ever!" Then he laughed maniacally for ten minutes and ate his large popcorn. The three remaining team members successfully descended the stairs and had reached the exit, when a large soda cup filled with Mountain Dew came hurling at them. Two of the members ducked, but the third was not so lucky, the large soda cup hit his face with such force that it broke his nose, caused him to lose balance and come crashing head first into the theatre wall, rendering him unconcious. The two remaining team members took no chances and bolted for the exit doors. The came out survivors, but no doubt will be haunted by the Blood Rayne massacre for the rest of their natural lives.

What's up? Yesterday, I want to the bowling and bowled a 140, was impressed by my score, until I saw the guy next to me bowl a 260. I was furious, that I started to tear up the bowling alley. I took my bottle of Blue Moon and smashed it on the floor, then I kicked a 16 pound bowling ball with my right foot, breaking three of my toes in the process. I then punched a ten year old boy in the face, only to have his father crack me over the head with a pool stick. All in all it was a pretty crappy night, but on the plus side, I got laid.........................no, I didn't . I was just trying to impress you.