Where da flag?

Hey ref, where da flag? Dat guy was all over me! He was roughing me up!
Man, that's bullshit! I want a flag. How could I possibly catch da ball with his hands in my face? You needs to open your eyes, because I was held.

I'm going to watch The Grinch.


I just LOVE the Jim Carrey version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, it soooo delightful. I remember when I first saw in the theatres on Thanksgiving, I couldn't stop laughing. It's SOOOOO much better than out dated cartoon of the 60s. That version sucks! It doesn't bother to explain why the Grinch hates Christmas so much. I never understood why he hated Christmas! Thankfully, the Jim Carrey version leaves no stone unturned and explains everything within the first five minutes. Did I mention its directed by the brilliant Ron Howard? That guy is my favorite director! He is infinitely better than that hack Spielberg!
The part that always touches me the most in The Grinch is when he comes to his sense and realizes Christmas is a truly wonderful thing. I always get a tear in my eye.
I must have seen this movie at least 100 times. I watch at least 10 times during the month of December. Well, time to watch this masterpiece of masterpieces.
And if I have time I think I will pop in the joyful Polar Express. I love the "Hot Chocolate" musical number.

Where's my burrito?

I've seem to lost my burrito. Where did it go? I left it right on this table when I got up to get some hot sauce. Now it is gone! Did some vandal steal it?I sure hope not! Who would want to break into my apartment to steal a burrito? Did my dog eat it? Unlikely, since I don't have a dog. Where did it go? This is quite the mystery. Maybe it's underneath my couch. I shall look. Yup, there it is.
MMMMM burrito.

That Jessica Simpson digital cable commercial is so funny!

Have you seen that digital cable commerical in which Jessica Simpson plays Daisy Duke and talks about how you are missing out if you don't have digital cable? You know the one I mean, it ends with her saying, "I don't know what it is, but I totally want it." That commerical! It's so funny! Jessica Simpson is such a great actress! First she made Dukes of Hazzard, then the delightful Employee of the Month and now this uproarous commercial. Is there anything she can't do? I think not! Singer and actress in one, that's quite a talent. Wow! I think Jessica and her sister Ashlee need to make a movie together. If the Duff sisters can make a movie, then surely the Simpson sisters can too.

This movie based off a true story, therefore it is automatically good. How can you possibly hate something that really happened? Last week my friend and I watched Patch Adams and I thought it was sooooo good, but my friends said it was crap. I told them it was based off a true story, therefore it couldn't be bad. They told me mostly everything in the movie was made up, I was appalled by their lies. Why would filmmakers bastardize the truth? What would they have to gain by doing such a terrible thing? To quote Jean Luc Godard..or was it Francois Truffaut...film is "24 truths a second," or something like that. I don't know, but I do know that anything film based on true events is automatically a good movie and if you hate the truth, then you hate life. That's my opinion, now I think I will watch the historically accurate film Pocahantas.

My apartment is haunted.
Last night I heard weird noises come from the kitchen in my apartment and came to conclusion that it is haunted. Now, there is no history of murder in my apartment, no one else has reported anything out of the ordinary, but I am convinced it is haunted. If you do not believe my apartment is haunted, then you are closed minded. I am open minded, therefore I am more susceptible to ghosts and other paranormal activities.
One time, I saw an alien eating Taco Bell and when I told my friend he said it wasn't an alien, just a college student with a mohawk. Closed minded fascist! Why don't people believe me? Why can't people believe! I think they need to watch the Polor Express and listen to lyrics to that one song, "If you just believe." That's a good movie!

Maybe the Bears aren't for real!

After watching the Chicago Bears lose to the Miami Dolphins on Sunday it has dawned on me that maybe, just maybe the Bears aren't for real. I mean let's face it they've had a pretty easy schedule up to this point and the next few weeks are going to be tough on them. It's one thing to score 41 points against the 49ers, but I highly doubt they will be able to put up such numbers against teams like the Giants, Patriots, and the Rams. They're still a good football team, but I don't think they have what it takes to win the Super Bowl. I'll wait and see what Tony Kornheiser has to say about the Bears, he is after all an expert. He's the one who called them a "team of destiny" after their win against the Cardinals on Monday Night Football. I don't know what to think. I'm so confused!

It's time to kick off the Christmas season!

Christmas is just around the corner, which means it times to kick off the Christmas season. I think I will begin the season by taking the children to see Santa Clause 3; it looks so delightful. The first two Santa Clause films were so cute. It might be a good idea to watch the first two films before I see the third one. I don't want to go into Santa Clause 3 and not be able to follow the narrative. I love Christmas. My favorite Christmas memory is seeing The Grinch on Thanksgiving with my family. That movie was sheer joy from beginning to end. I love Jim Carrey. I already put up my Christmas decorations and I've been listening to Manheim Steamroller for the last three days. I love Manheim Streamroller, their Christmas albums are sooooo good. Oh look, the Coke cans with Santa on them are on the shelves. I think I'll buy at least seven or eight 12 packs. This is going to be one awesome Christmas!

Let's go clubbing


We totally got to hit the clubs and pick up some babes. It will be awesome! I have it all figured out, we will walk up to a group of hotties and start groping them, pretending that it's all part our dance routine. They will totally get horny and we will totally score. It will be cool. C'mon let's go clubbing, I guarantee we will get laid. And if we don't at least we can cop a feel. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! I remember one time I went clubbing, I saw this angelic babe in a small, tight uniform dancing on a platform, so I pretended to lose my footing and my hand "accidentally" touched her breasts. It was cool. Then she was like, "Watch it jerk!" I apologized and went on to the dance floor and "accidentally" grabbed a few women's asses. Ha Ha! I told my friends about it the next day while playing Final Fantasy VIII, they were so jealous. Then I came to the horrible realization that it was all dream. I didn't go clubbing! I didn't grope any unsuspecting women! It was one big DREAM! I was so depressed. My lone goal in life is to clubbing, I got to make this one dream come true! I got to! I just go to or else my life is empty, much like the awful Pirates of the Caribbean sequel.

It's unanimous: The Marine is the greatest movie of all time.

Last night I saw The Marine with my bros and we all agreed that it was the greates movie of all time. I had not been this impressed with a movie since Walking Tall starring The Rock. John Cena was AWESOME! He was one major bad ass; I sure hope there is a sequel in the works, because I really need to see more adventures starring the Marine. And the chick who played his wife, she was HAWT! And best all, it had that one dude from Terminator 2 as the head villain. He's one mean bro! If you're looking for a great film that is both deep and exciting, The Marine is for you.

The DaVinci Code LIED TO ME!

After seeing the trailer for the upcoming The Passion of the Christ prequel The Nativity Story, I realized that I was deceived by The DaVinci Code. Satan in the form of Tom Hanks, Ron Howard and Dan Brown made me have doubts about the virgin birth and the resurrection. The DaVinci Code made me question the bible and my faith. I was a lost soul, until I saw the trailer forThe Nativity Story. Thanks to that trailer my faith in Jesus has been restored, Hallelujah! Praise be to God! I decided to celebrate my restored faith by watching The Passion of the Christ and if there's time afterwards maybe I'll read the scriptures.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bears are for real.
The Chicago Bears last night victory over the Arizona Cardinals proved once and for all that they are for real. They were losing 20-0 at half time, but some how they found a way to win. And that's what good teams do, they find a way to win. Granted, the Bears offense contributed nothing to the game, but that's besides the point. You don't need a good offense, when you have a good defense. The Bears defense found a way to win and that's what good defenses do. When your offense is struggling, your defense has to give them a helping hand and that's what the Bears did. They found away to win. I repeat they found a way to win. Just in case you didn't hear me the first five times: THEY FOUND A WAY TO WIN! Got it? The Bears are the real deal and they are here to stay. However, in the words of the immortal Mike Holmgren, "WE'RE NOT DONE YET!"

I hate George W. Bush, therefore I am a good person.

I hate George W. Bush. He's a Nazi! Anybody who supports Bush is a horrible person, where as I am a good person. I don't believe in war, I'm for peace and love. Bush hates peace! He hates peace, because peace is something you can't tax, man. He hates love, because love has no price tag. What ever Bush can't buy he hates.
I oppose Bush, which makes me one righteous dude.
Yesterday, I saw a minority on the street and gave him a dollar. I told him it must be hard living in poverty. He told me that he didn't need my dollar and that he was working a full time job. I admired his courage and optimism; here was a man living at the bottom of the barrel and yet he refused my assistance. He wanted to make it on his own. Wow, what an inspiration. However, I insisted that he keep the dollar and walked away feeling good about myself. I'd like to think I am making a difference in this world. You don't see Bush and his mindless supporters wanting to make a difference. They represent death, where as my liberal colleagues and I represent life. Look, another minority! I better take care of him, because he can't take care of himself. Hey minority let me buy you a dinner! No, don't run away, I want to help you. WAIT! I wonder why they keep refusing my help!
Look at the time, I got to be at an anti-war rally in fifteen minutes. Look out Bush, the revolution is here! Viva la Revolution!

The five worst movies of all time by Random IMDB User

1. Dr. Stragelove - Tis movie is so gay. I did not get that scene in which that guy rides bomb. STUPID. The box said it was a comedy, but I did nawt laugh once. Give me Little Nicky instead, that movie is hilarious.

2. King Kong (the stupid old one) This movie suckd. It's efect were not as good as the Peter Jackzon verzion. I was so disappointed.

3. Gremblins - This movie needs to be remade with computer effects. I hat puppet effects ,there not as cool as computers.

4. The Godfather - SNOOOZE! It was no Scarface. This movie is boring. Not enough action and blood, not to mention nudity. I didn't even make it to the end.

5. Jaws - wtf? This movie sooooo bad. I mean, it was like a poor man's Deep Blue Sea! That movie was awesome. The sharks in that movie were BAD ASS, like Vince Vauhn. The shark in Jaw was so fake. I mean, it sucked. I kept laughing at how stupid it looked. WTF? I mean seriously, waht the fuk?

Note: The opinions expressed by Random IMDB user are not those of this blog.

Hey, what's up? I just read your profile. You sound pretty cool, lol. I see that you like heavy metal, I also like heavy metal. We have so much in common, lmao. We should hang out some time, rofl. I see you like movies about vampires, I like them too :) We should get together and watch some vampire movie, lol. I hope to hear from you soon ;)

That's nawt funny!

Hey bro, leave those babes alone! You're NAWT funny! Do you see any one laughing? No one's laughing! Why is no one laughing? Cause you're NAWT funny! OK bro, just back away from those babes, before me and my three bros kick your ass. Hey, what did I just say dude? Don't worry babes will take care of you. We'll teach this fucker a thing or two about manners.
HEY DUDE, YOU'RE NAWT FUNNY! Stop acting like you are funny, cause you're not. No one in this restaurant thinks you are being funny. No one. Do you understand English? You're no Jack Sparrow man.

If you wondering why I have not updated my blog in two months, it's because I have not had the interet since early July. I finally got the Internet last week, but my computer went to shit on me, so I had to have it fixed. My wonderful brother-in-law Byron got my computer running again, but then I found I couldn't couldn't access the Internet. So I called Time Warner today and now as you can see, I have the Internet. Isn't that great? I thought so.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest was not the bad ass film I was expecting it to be.

Last night, I put on my best pirate outfit and went to see the midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. I loved the first film SO MUCH! I remember I saw the first film three weeks after it came out after hearing good things from my best friend. I went and was pleasantly surprised. I loved the film so much that I saw it five times in the theatre and bought anything that had Johnny Depp's face pasted on it. When I heard about the sequel, I was psyched. I HAD to see the midnight show. You're not a true Pirates fan, unless you go to the midnight show. I decided I would go to the midnight show dressed up as a pirate, so I went to a costume store and bought a pirate outfit. I was amazed at how many people dressed up. I arrived three hours early and spent most of the time hitting on a group of busty maidens. One maiden gave me her number and later on we walked the deck, if you know what I mean. Ha Ha!

Midnight finally came; after waiting three hours the opening credits began to roll. There were enthusiastic cheers and applause from the audience. A few people even cracked a few jokes in the first couple of minutes. Then the first hour rolled by, so far I wasn't impressed by what I was seeing. It's not that it was bad; it just wasn't the same experience I had with the first film. However, it is a two and a half hour film, which gives it plenty of time to improve. Then another half hour rolled by; it seemed like an eternity. I kept checking my watch, it was 1:30, which meant I had another hour to go. "Maybe it will pick up in the last hour," I said to myself. It didn't. I got so bored with the film, that I went out for a cigarette. What happened? The first Pirates was bad ass, this one was just bad. I mean...it wasn't bad, it had it's good points, but compared to the wonderful original it didn't live up to my standards. After seeing Dead Man's Chest, I don't have any desire to see the third Pirates of the Caribbean.

I need to get laid! But, when it comes to women I am completely clueless. How does one get laid? I've tried everything, but to no avail. Yesterday, I walked up to a girl and said, "Do you want to have sex?" She then laughed at me for minutes. Then her girlfriends show up, she told them what I said and they all laughed at me for five minutes. It was rather humiliating! What do I have to do to get laid?
Earlier today, I bought a girl a tray of nachos, convinced that she would reward this kind gesture with a trip to the bedroom. Sadly, she walked into the movie and sat down next to some tall, round headed muscular guy who kept calling her "dude." I got so mad that from the exit door I yelled, "BITCH!" and then ran away! Why can't I get laid?
Even when I have offered to pay for sex, I have failed. I once approached a hooker, gave her $200, she got in my car, pushed me out the door and drove off! Not only was I out $200, but I had no mode of transportation; consequently I was fired from my job. Boy, does my life suck! It does suck! And it's not the kind of sucking I want! DAMN IT!

If my life were a movie, I would probably have gotten laid at this point in my life. Even Jason Biggs got laid! If Jason Biggs can get laid, why can't I?

Uwe Boll is a jack ass!

I read this on IMDB:

Filmmaker Challenges Critics to All-Out Brawl
German horror director Uwe Boll is so fed up with receiving bad reviews from movie critics he is challenging his detractors to a filmed fight. Boll, whose movies Alone In The Dark and House Of The Dead are based on video games, says he will fly his critics to meet him and will then fight them in a boxing ring. The filmmaker is incensed by an online petition which has 13,327 signatures of people asking him to stop making movies. Boll, who has also invited Roger Avary and Quentin Tarantino to join his fight, plans to air the fights on the internet. He the plans to edit clips into his latest film Postal. Boll says, "I'm fed up with people slamming my films without seeing them. Many journalists make value judgments on my films based on the opinions of one or two thousand internet voices. Half of those opinions come from people who've never watched my films. If critics want to bring Uwe Boll down, here is their chance to physically bring him down and have the entire world watch them do it."

I really hope some one takes this no-talent douche clown up on his offer. It would be so awesome to see Leonard Maltin and Roger Ebert do a tag team match against Uwe Boll. Uwe Boll must be stopped at all COSTS!

Weddings Crashers 2: In Time

They need to make a sequel to smash hit Wedding Crashers, in which Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn build a time machine so they can crash past weddings. There would be a hilarious sequence in which they wacky duo crashes the Franklin - Eleanor Roosevelt wedding. In one scene the Vaughn character warns Franklin that he will face one long, great depression. Hilarious! Then they would whisk themselves off to the wedding of Prince Charles to Princess Diana. Then they travel back to the stone age where they find themselves present at a Neanderthal wedding. Vaughn realizing how ugly Neanderthal's are, quickly jumps into the time machine leaving Wilson behind. Yes, these are wonderful scenes you would see if they ever make Wedding Crashers 2: In Time.

If they can't get Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, they could always casts actors like Jason Biggs, Josh Meyers, and Sean William Scott to play the leads.

You need to dump her!
I need to talk to you about your girlfriend. She's annoying; she's like Jar Jar Binks, every time she opens her mouth she kills the moment. You need to dump her! Not only for your own good, but for the good of the group as well. Your girlfriend does not belong in our group and if you remain with her, then I'm afraid we can not keep you as a friend. I'm sorry, but it's kind of hard to separate you from your annoying girlfriend's stupid antics. Therefore, you must decide as to whether you want to stay with her or us! It's your choice! However, let it be said that if you choose to stay with her, you choose a life of misery. EW! The only thing she has going for her is a nice rack, other than that she's utterly useless. If you choose to stay with your friends, you choose a life of fun and excitement. You choose a life of drunken parties, video games, fastfood, and other hilarious shenanigans. Don't let this she demon wear you down. EW!

Let's go see a movie! (Or Yet another reason to post a picture of Keira Knightley to rival Dave Faber's blog.)

Man, it's such a wonderful day to see a movie! I love movies, especially when viewed on the Ultrascreen. The Ultrascreen is ten times better than a regular sized screen, because the picture is bigger, therefore it is better. It sucked they didn't show The DaVinci Code on the Ultrascreen; hopefully they will show Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest on it. I'm so psyched to see that movie. Not only does it have Johnny Depp (who is the greatest actor EVER), but it has bad ass special effects, not to mention Keira Knightley. I don't know about you, but if I'm not watching a movie on the Ultrascreen, I'm not watching a movie at all. Regular sized screens just can't capture the sheer scope of a film like the Ultrascreen. Nor can a regular sized screen capture the sheer hotness of Keira Knightley. When you see that glowing face on the Ultrascreen, it is truly a moving experience. I tried watching Star Wars Episode III on a regular sized screen and I just couldn't get into the story. People tried to convince me that it was because of the bad writing. However, if the writing was so bad, how come I was cheering when I saw it in the Ultrascreen? Huh?
I wish there were more Ultrascreens in the states, then I would have no reason to stay home and watch television.
Just imagine viewing this on the Ultrascreen. Ha Ha Ha! Boy, would it be packed! Ha Ha! I'm so funny! Ha Ha! I crack myself up! I sure hope Keira is reading this blog, that way she will see how funny I am and then she will marry me. Ha Ha! I'm cool!

War is bad. How can I help bring about an end to war? I know, I'll attend a rock concert! That's right, by attending a rock concert I will show the evil fascist conservatives that I want a world of peace, not war. After all, it worked in the 60s. After Woodstock, the government had no choice but to pull our troops out of Vietnam. It's amazing how wise our hippie ancestors were. My history college professor told me all sorts of great stories about the 60s, and how the peace movement brought about an end to war. Did you know it was the peace movement that removed Nixon from office?Watergate had absolutely nothing to do with it, it was the pressure brought by the peace movement that forced him to resign.
I hope I have enough money to buy a T-shirt at the concert. Every time I go to a concert, I always make sure to buy a T-shirt as a souvenir. I better save up some money, so I can afford to buy some snacks as well. My girlfriends loves nachos and so do I for that matter. This is going to be an awesome concert!

Get a life!

On Saturday, I was given the unpleasant task of closing the theatre, which means I had to hang around until all the geeks who saw X-Men 3 left. I'm not saying every one who saw X-Men 3 is a geek, but a good majority of them are. While most moviegoers vacate the theatre after a movie has ended, geeks usually hang out in the lobby and have a serious discussion about the film for a good twenty minutes, before being forced out. These people seriously need to get a friggin' life. I ask you: What is more lame than seeing a movie on a Saturday night and then talking about it in a theatre lobby for twenty minutes? There are so many other things you could be doing with your life, why waste time talking about whether or not Wolverine will has his own movie, or how disappointed you were that Gambit was not in the movie?
When I was 13 years-old I used to ask similar questions, but most of these geeks are in their late 20s-early 30s. Most of them drink vast quantities of Mountain Dew, while laughing every time the filmmaker throws in a random reference to the comic books, or worse yet they applaud every time one of the main mutants shows off their powers. Therefore in X-Men 3, when Wolverine kills some one with his claws, they high five one another and cheer.
The sad irony is that most of these rabid X-Men fans will forget about X-Men 3 as soon as the next big blockbuster movie comes out. I can't wait until Superman Returns comes out, to see how many geeks will applaud it and how many geeks will dismiss it. Where's Bizarro? Boo hiss!

MEL GIBSON LIED TO ME!

After seeing The DaVinci Code, I came to the horriblie realization that Mel Gibson lied to me. In The Passion of the Christ, Mel Gibson stated that Jesus Christ was the son of God, that he died on the cross for our sins and was resurrected. I remember after seeing The Passion, I decided I would devote more time to church and following the word of God. After seeing The DaVinci Code, I have come to the harsh reality that I have been living a lie. AND IT'S ALL MEL GIBSON'S FAULT!
I want my money back Mel Gibson! Hopefully, I can sell my DVD copy of The Passion of the Christ on e-bay, I'm sure there are a lot of ignorant Christians out there who will buy it any price. I like to thank Ron Howard, Tom Hanks, and Dan Brown for opening my eyes! Hopefully The DaVinci Code will inspire more disbelief amongst practicing Christians and turn them into hard core atheists.
I can't believe Christians allow themselves to be so easily brainwashed. I'm so glad I have the ability to think for myself! Unlike most Christians, I am not easily fooled by wild, unproven theories!

I like TV dinners!
I like TV dinners, I don't know why the get such a bad rep. Last night, I had a delicious Banqet "Original Chicken Meal" and it was damn tasty. I told my friends they should try it and they said, "TV dinners suck! They are more bland than a Ron Howard film." I told them that was a low blow, nothing and I mean NOTHING should ever be compared to Ron Howard. One night I told my girlfriend Sue Ann that I would make her dinner, so I popped a "Salisbury Steak" TV dinner in the microwave and brought it out to her on a plate. She stared at the TV dinner for about a minute and then looked at me like she was going to kill me. As she got up to walk out the door, she called me a "cheap son of a bitch." I have not heard from her since; I guess she doesn't like TV dinners!
I recently bought five Banquet TV dinners for five dollars at Wal-Mart. I was so happy that I called my parents to let them know about this great deal. They said, "That's nice son!" and hung up the phone. I'm hungry, I think I will have a "Chicken Nuggets" TV dinner. I love chicken nuggets, especially with Barbecue sauce.

I only see movies at the Oriental!

I hate Hollywood movies, they are mindless entertainment that give the audience everything it wants. I, unlike many film goers, love movies that make me THINK. I love a good challenge, which is why I only see movies at the Oriental. When I wait inline at the Oriental, I think to myself, "Gee, I am so much better than every one else." While most film goers waste their time watching dribble like Scary Movie 4, I am watching brilliant, thought provoking cinema like Elephant. Why can't people be more like me and think outside the box? Why must they give into trends? I don't give into trends, I am above that. I haven't been brainwashed by pop-culture like the rest of America. Last night, my friends and I saw Thank You For Smoking, afterwards we made our traditional trip to Node cafe, where we talked about the movie and drank coffee. We had a rather engaging conversation and the coffee was delicious. I can't wait to see what challenge the Oriental has in store for me next week. I hope it's another Gus Van Sant movie. That guy is awesome. He is highly revered by critics. In fact, next week in my film history class we are watching Psycho. I can't wait.

Where's the pop-culture references?

I was trying to watch this boring ass old comedy called Some Like It Hot and I kept waiting for hilarious pop-culture references to pop up. Alas, they did not! When I watch a comedy, I want as many pop-culture references as possible! That is why I love Family Guy and the Scary Movies, because they totally rip on pop-culture! There's nothing funnier than referencing other people's ideas and making a joke out of them! I remember when I saw the first Scary Movie, I laughed for like ten minutes after Marlon Wayans said, "I see dead people!" Because it was referencing The Sixth Sense and I got the joke, because I saw The Sixth Sense. Pop-cultures references are the backbone for all great comedies. Remember that scene in Shrek, in which Princess Fiano takes on Robin Hood and his Merry Men Matrix-style? That was hysterical. It was so clever! Who wants originality in comedies, when filmmakers can just mock scenes from other movies? There's so much comedy gold waiting to be mined, why even take the time to think up your own ideas? I sure hope there's a Scary Movie 5, so they can make fun of When a Stranger Calls, V For Vendetta, Harry Potter, and other upcoming films! It would be so awesome to see a Superman Returns parody thrown in the mix!

Hating George W. Bush = SEX

Yesterday, I was at an anti-Bush rally chanting such phrases like, "BUSH IS A NAZI" and "War is not my voice," when an extremely fine liberal chick asked me if I would like a cup of coffee. So we went to Starbucks and she went on a rant about how much she hated Bush. I nodded my head pretending to have interest, while staring at her breast, wondering what she looked like naked. Any ways, afterwards we went to her place and had crazy sex. It was awesome. Would she have slept with me had she known I was really a Bush loving conservative? NO! She thought because I hated Bush, I was different from most men, therefore trustworthy enough to have sex with. Pretending to hate Bush has gotten me laid countless of times in the past five years! It's amazing how these liberated chicks turn into putty as soon as you mention how wrong the war in Iraq is. Women love men with causes, even when they don't believe in them.

Crashing weddings isn't as fun as I thought it would be!

Last week, I watched Wedding Crashers with my buddies. Afterwards, we decided that we would crash a wedding one of these weekends. On Friday, we finally got our chance, unfortunately it wasn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be. For one thing, women just weren't responding to our advances. At the reception, I noticed an extremely fine woman dancing with her lady friends. I went in for the kill, but before I could do any killer dance moves, she walked away.
However, I put it behind me and decided to move onto another hottie. I spotted an extremely gorgeous girl sitting by herself at a table. I walked up to her and said, "What's up babe?" She smiled and told me she was feeling sad. I pretended to care and asked her, "Why?" She then went on a rant about how the groom was her ex-boyfriend and how she still had feelings for him. I tried to change the subject, but she just wouldn't let go. It was Bill this and Bill that. I told her I had to go to the bathroom, got up and ran away for dear life.
Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. I asked this cute girl if she wanted to dance. Much to my surprise she said yes. We got on the dance floor and I showed her my fancy moves. We got along great, I ask fo her number and she gave it to me. All seemed well, until I learned that she was only thirteen....and a boy at that! When I found out, I ran into the bathroom and vomited for half an hour!
All I can say is that Wedding Crashers lied! I will never trust a comedy again! NEVER! This isn't the first time a movie lied to me, after watching Animal House, I decided to go to college. I was expecting my college life would be filled with hilarious adventures, male bonding, and lots of hot naked women, instead I spent most of my time studying and sleeping. Real life totally sucks balls! I wish my life were like a movie!

A tribute to Breckin Meyer






I must thank Dave Faber for this post; he reminded me of the upcoming film Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties and gave the inspiration needed to write a tribute to Breckin Meyer.
If you do not know who Breckin Meyer is, then you should be banned from watching movies. Breckin Meyer is possibly the second greatest actor of all time next to Jim Varney. Breckin Meyer has appeared in countless movies in the past ten years, but his most famous role is that of Jon Arbuckle in the film adaptation of Garfield. Watch any scene in which Jon interacts with Garfield and it seems completely natural. Meyers' acting is so convincing that Garfield never seems like a CGI effect, but a real, breathing cat. There seems to be a genuine relationship between Jon and Garfield; only a great actor like Breckin Meyer could pull it off so convincingly. And the chemistry Meyers shares with the lovely Jennifer Love Hewitt is electrifying. When the two are onscreen parks literally fly. I don't know about you, but I would love to see more Breckin Meyer - Jennifer Love Hewitt films in the future. In fact, they have such chemistry that it wouldn't surprise me if they are secretly married in real life.
Hopefully, Meyer will be recognized for his brilliant work and be awarded Oscar for Best Actor in next year's Academy Award ceremony. Unfortunately, I don't think Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties will stand a chance of winning Best Picture, because it will up against the brilliant She's The Man and the heartwarming teen comedy Aquamarine. I don't know about you, but I'm already excited for next year's Oscar ceremony.

It's been two weeks since I've lasted posted on this blog and in two weeks time, absolutely nothing has happened. In fact, about the only exciting thing that happened to me was that I was abducted by aliens. But I'm sure you don't want to hear such a boring story. Alien abduction is an accepted FACT at this moment, it happens practically to every one. I remember my sister was abducted when she was five and I was so jealous that they abducted her and not me. In fact, most of my friends were abducted long before I was.. Alas. Alas, what was I to do? Last week, after I was abducted, I told my friends rather enthusiastically, "I'VE FINALLY BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!"
They all laughed and said, "What's the big deal? We've been abducted like 50 times. Do you think you're special?" I broke into tears. It used to be big news if some one was abducted by aliens, now no one seems to notice.

The Oscars!

I'm happy to report that I did not watch the Oscars, because the Oscars are friggin' lame. There was a time when the Oscars used to honor excellence in the cinema, now their goal is to honor films that didn't suck. In a matter of years, mediocre films will be nominated for Best Picture, wait this has all ready happened, how else do you explain A Beautiful Mind? Ha Ha! I hate awards ceremonies, there's nothing more annoying than over hyped, over paid celebrities patting each other on the back for a job well done. The Oscars should be put of their misery, but sadly it go on and on, long after I am dead and forgotten.Oh wait, I am forgotten. Who am I? God, I'm old. Where's my cane? I need my cane, I can't walk without. AHHHH!
The End! Color By Technicolor. Filmed in Panavision

IMDB top 250 is a fuckin' joke!

Have you ever visited IMDB? If you have, then you are aware of the IMDB top 250 films list. There are many good films in the list, yet many of them don't belong in the top 25o. This list is decided by the number of votes a certain film gets from the users, therefore because there are thousands of Star Wars geeks out there, the Star Wars films generally get a higher score then they deserve. The point is the list is biased because the users will only vote on films that they have seen; which means many great films have no representation because they are harder to see. You will notice that many of the films on the list are more contemporary, this is a fallacy because it is too early to decide whether or not these films will withstand the test of time. Here a few examples of the gross injustices that appear on the IMDB top 250.
- Shawshank Redemption is #2 on the list. How is it possible that a film so bland could be so high up on ANY list? It's hardly an original film. It's certainly not ground breaking, yet people seem to under the impression is a a masterpiece of cinema. All I can say that there are thousands of films that are far, far, far better than Shawshank Redemption, yet obviously many users on IMDB don't think so.
- Star Wars Episode III is ranked 235 on the list. Did these people actually watched Episode III? I admit I enjoyed it, but come on it was by no means a great movie. In fact, it is still under debate as to whether or not it was a good movie. A great film generally has interesting characters as well as a good storyline to boot, this has neither. It had potential to be great, but people should not mistake potential for greatness.
-Fight Club is 33 on this list, The Matrix is 34. I don't really like either of these two films, so I am biased, but I'm sure many people who do like these movies would agree they shouldn't be so high on this list. Both films have not aged too well in the past six years. The Matrix looks as dated as the Flash Gordon serials of the 40s. However, at least the Flash Gordon serials are fun too watch, where as The Matrix is a stupid summer flick trying to pose as an intelligent work of art. Fight Club is just nihilistic nonsense loved by leftist college intellects, who when they get a real job will more than likely turn into uptight conservatives.
- Sin City is #63. WHAT? I liked Sin City, it was a pretty enjoyable film, but it was also a pretty shallow film. It is essentially about ugly tough men and gorgeous, scantily clad woman who commit random acts of violence. I'm sure many people over analyzed the film, giving it a deeper meaning than it actually has. I don't think Sin City belongs in the top 1000 films, let alone the top 65.
There are many other undeserving films on the list, but if I were to write them all down, I would be on the computer for the entire week, bitching and moaning about how stupid the IMDB list is. Thank you for reading my post. I love some of you.

A FILM REVIEW!

Wow, I love romantic comedies. If you love romantic comedies too, then I highly recommend you rent 13 Going on 30, it is a sheer delight from beginning to end. It's the kind of film that you just can watch over and over, with out ever tiring of. I remember this one time I was watching 13 Going on 30, and this dude came in and said, "Why are you watching this flick? It's for chicks!" I replied,"Because it's a good movie!" Then he punch me in the stomach and told me to start watching guy films. I called him a bitch and continued watching 13 Going on 30.
I called up my girlfriend and I asked her if she wanted to come over, just so I could have an excuse to watch it again. She said she didn't want to watch 13 Going on 13, in fact she said shedespised the movie, because I watched it so much. I realized we could never work out as a couple, so I broke up with her; I cheered myself up by watching 13 Going on 30. It's not as good as My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but it's damn near close.
I give a grand total of four stars.
Next week I will review the much beloved classic: She's All That.

2006 will be a great year for movies!

2006 is looking to be the greatest movie year of ALL TIME! That's right, so far this year has brought us such wonderful pieces of cinema like When a Stranger Calls, The Pink Panther, Final Destination III, and other great works of art. Could this year possibly get any better? HELL YEAH!
There are two films in particular that I am dying to see: Aquamarine and She's The Man.
Aquamarine is about two teenage girls who discover a teenaged mermaid in their beach club's swimming cool. It stars Sara Paxton, who's brilliant turn in the much loved masterpiece Sleepover made her an over night sensation. I sense that come Oscar time next year, this film will be nominated for at least nine Academy Awards and is a definite shoe in for Best Original Screenplay. I would like to think it will win Best Picture, but it will face heavy competition with the upcoming, Shakespeare adaptation She's the Man.

She's the Man stars Amanda Bynes (the star of Nickolodeon's The Amanda Show and the WB's smash hit What I Like About You) and is adapted from the Shakespeare play Twelfth Night. This is not the first teen comedy to draw inspiration from Shakespeare, previous attempts include Ten Things I Hate About You and Get Over It, both are easily two of the best films made in the last ten years. Given this successful trend of adapting Shakespeare into a modern, teenage setting it is safe to say that She's the Man will be an undisputed classic, destined to be cherished by many generations of film fans around the world.
Well, that is all I have for now, I hope to see you at the movies.

MY 100th Post

This is truly a historic moment, this is my 100th post on this blog. I remember when I started this blog, most people (all two of them) told me I wouldn't last, that I was crazy for starting my own blog. Most people, including myself didn't think I would make it pasts 50 posts, but I prevailed. I truly am a king amongst men, or at least bloggers. I would like to celebrate this historical moment by drinking what ever beers are left in the refrigerator. I'm so awesome. Who knows maybe some gorgeous women will come across this blog, realize all I have accomplished and want to become the future Misses Bryan Goggins. NAH!

Today, I decided that instead of sitting on my ass, watching TV, I would go out and get some exercise.I put on my jogging pants and headed towards the door. When I got outside, I realized it was way too cold for jogging, so I went back in doors. I decided to go to the gym and lift some weights, but realized that I didn't have the muscles to lift weights. I thought I would exercise my intellect by reading a book, however I only got up to the third paragraph before I started to fall asleep. I then decided that I would watch an art film, that would surely exercise my intellect, however it was way too boring. I decided to watch Teen Wolf and analyze it, but I stopped analyzing it five minutes into the film, and focused all my energy on watching the movie and eating popcorn at the same time. In the end I wound up watching a stupid movie while sitting on a comfy chair. This was quite the eventful day.

Hollywood Actors - The Most Worthless People on the Planet

Is there anything more worthless on this planet than Hollywood actors? I think not. Have you ever watched a making of documentary and all the actors do is complain how long their hours are? They talk about how they are often on the set for 14 hours and hardly got any sleep. Of course, they are not being entirely honest, generally actors spend most of the long day WAITING, while the director and crew set up a shot. While the crew is working their asses off, the actor is in his trailer drinking coffee that one of their four assistants prepared for him, while their make up artist is working on his face. I hate actors. I hate when they bitch about the injustices in the world, while they are sitting on some cozy sofa and being lit to look beautiful. My favorite bunch are the quasi-Hollywood liberals who constantly criticize America, yet are unaware of the irony that only in America are they considered remotely important. Where else in the world could Jim Carrey make 20 million for making junk like Fun With Dick and Jane. Did George Segal make even 1/20 of that amount when he starred in the original? These self - important morons would never get paid ridiculous sums of money in any other part of the world. If anything Hollywood actors have benefitted greatly from captialism, no matter how horrible they might be. I find it ridiculous that people like Cameron Diaz, Paul Walker, Julia Roberts, Halle Berry, etc. make more money than people who actually work for a living. It just goes to show how overrated the movie going experience is.
A word to movie goers who complain about theatre prices: Movie tickets wouldn't cost so much, if stars didn't get paid ludrcious sums of money to appear in drek like Mission Impossible III. If you want to blame some one for high prices, blame your beloved actors and their demands for higher salaries. God knows Robin Williams earns his money when he plays the same spastic man child he played for 15 years.
What about the ones who perform their own stunts? Hey, if I'm shelling out crap loads of money, they better perform their own stunts and be willing to take risks. I hate actors.

Burger King kicks ass! I know this is a statement that many people will disagree with, however this is my blog and in my opinion Burger King kicks ass!
Here is my proof:
- When Lord of the Rings came out, Burger King came out with nifty Lord of the Rings glass goblets that could also light up. I got the Gandalf and the Arwen goblets. Who who can forget the awesome slogan, "They're not to behold, they're to be held." Sheer genius! I remember one time Kevin Neville and myself decided to eat some Burger King while watching Fellowship of the Ring and it made the movie ten times better!
- Whoppers. I don't even have to explain this comment, they are delicious. The Burger King on Bluemound has a special on Whoppers, two for three dollars.
- Star Wars action figures. During Episode III, you could get mini-Star Wars action figures ONLY at Burger King. It totally kicked ass!
- The Gilbert Burger. For those who don't remember, when Gilbert Brown was on the Packers, Burger King had the Gilbert Burger named after the man himself. I never had the burger, but if Gilbert Brown liked it, then it must have been good.
-A triple Whopper can last you a week. After eating it, you have no desire what so ever to eat or look at food, because you are so full.

OK, these are lame reasons, but I don't care. Burger King kicks ass!

I hate the movie going experience. Have you ever gone to a movie only to be constantly distracted by some sickly old man hacking up a lung? Or to be distracted by the chatter of stupid high school students, who are more interested in checking their overpriced cell phones than watching the film they paid $8.75 to see? What's even more annoying is when irresponsible parents drop their children off at the theatre and take forever in picking their children up. The children wait and wait, but the parents don't show, then the children decide they should be as loud and obnoxious as possible, so you constantly have to tell them to shut up. I've gone off topic. The only time I can enjoy a movie is when the theatre is empty, because then I don't have to worry about annoying distractions. Though, I admit I haven't actually seen a movie in months, because I don't have any desire to see films like Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Glory Road, King Kong and Chronicles of Narnia. In the case of the first two films, some one would actually have to pay me to see them. In the case of King Kong, I've seen the original version, therefore I do not need to see a three hour remake. As for Narnia, it looks better than King Kong, but that's not saying much.
Movies are shittier than ever! However on the bright side, at least there are no Jessica Simpson films in the works. Or are there?

Last night a ten man expedition went to see the movie Blood Rayne, only two of which made it out a live. At precisely 6:35 PM, the ten man team entered the unknown depths of the theatre. They all brought a week's rations of food and water, as well as change of clothes, sleeping bags and flashlights. At 6:55, the movie started. Employees reported hearing blood chilling screams coming from the screen that was showing Blood Rayne. At 7:15, four members of the expedition decided they could bear no more and committed suicide. They pulled out their pistols and shot themselves in head; blood splattered all over the seats. The rest of the team decided that this mission was too dangerous; Blood Rayne was way too deadly of a movie to see. They began their descent down the stairs; one of the members lost his footing and fell down the stairway, breaking his right foot in the process. He shouted to his fellow team members, "Go on with out me! Save yourselves!" The remaining five continued with the descent, when all of a sudden a crazed Blood Rayne fan sitting in the middle row grabbed two of them and asked why they were leaving the show. His gripped was so powerful, that he crushed both team members lung cavities, killing them instantaneously. He was quoted as saying, "Blood Rayne is the best movie ever!" Then he laughed maniacally for ten minutes and ate his large popcorn. The three remaining team members successfully descended the stairs and had reached the exit, when a large soda cup filled with Mountain Dew came hurling at them. Two of the members ducked, but the third was not so lucky, the large soda cup hit his face with such force that it broke his nose, caused him to lose balance and come crashing head first into the theatre wall, rendering him unconcious. The two remaining team members took no chances and bolted for the exit doors. The came out survivors, but no doubt will be haunted by the Blood Rayne massacre for the rest of their natural lives.

What's up? Yesterday, I want to the bowling and bowled a 140, was impressed by my score, until I saw the guy next to me bowl a 260. I was furious, that I started to tear up the bowling alley. I took my bottle of Blue Moon and smashed it on the floor, then I kicked a 16 pound bowling ball with my right foot, breaking three of my toes in the process. I then punched a ten year old boy in the face, only to have his father crack me over the head with a pool stick. All in all it was a pretty crappy night, but on the plus side, I got laid.........................no, I didn't . I was just trying to impress you.

I recently saw Chronicles of Narnia and it wasn't as bad ass as I thought it would be. From the previews I was expecting a kick ass film with lots of bloody battles scenes, cool special effects, and nonstop, heart pounding action, instead I got a film with four children, cute animals and other cutesy wutesy things throw in the mix. In short, it was extremely non-bad ass in it's presentation. I was hoping for another Lord of the Rings, instead I got a Harry Potter film with out the memorable, kick ass villians.

By the way, Peter Jackson's King Kong was AWESOME! I had my doubts when I heard Jackson was remaking that cheesy movie from the 70s, but after seeing it, I was impressed. Jack Black is hilarious as the crazy film director and the dude who played Gollum in LOTR plays Kong. This film is the epitomy of BAD ASS! The only thing I didn't like about the movie was the romance between Kong and the hot chick from The Ring, Nicole Kidman if I'm not mistaken. The loves scenes were boring and almost ruined the film's over all bad assedness.
I give it a 7/10. Unlike Narnia, which I give a 4/10.